Terrible Break-Up

[walksoftly]

After ten years my ex wife left me. Ive been separated now for almost 18 months and we share a child together.

I dont't know of she is BPD or not but everything points to the disorder.

She had a romantic relationship with another man while she was with me... it was serious and I was unaware. I felt like a fool.

She was violent towards me in the beginning; we would have a great night together and in the mornings she would elbow me in the ribs and start an incredible unprovoked verbal attack. As the years went by the violence escalated with her punching me in the face, kicking me, etc. Three times she did this in front of my young daughter.

She was bulimic and actively restricted food consumption in order to reach her desired weight-but the desired weight was never reached, it was never good enough.

Her childhood was terrible-her mother hated her and her father physically abused her.

God, the more I post here seeking from the group if she has in fact BPD the more I realize that she does have it.

Here's the deal:

near the end of the relationship I was tired of it all. I was burned out and had no more to give. I had pent up resentments. I had enough; so I suppose she felt as though I was leaving and she found a new source of supply. Wow, I was so suprised when I found out who it was- not the most eligible bachelor in town! She fell madly in love with him and she told me so - she was completely infatuated and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Funny thing though- she was so incredibly angry with me, she acted like I was nobody- after ten years! That part I dont understand.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey pwoods,



Welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry to hear about all of this for you.  I've been there.  I was married for almost 14 years, followed by one final recycle after the divorce.  I did everything to try to make it work and be the husband she wanted, but nothing was ever enough.  I endured affairs, lying, rage, tempter tantrums, blaming, isolation from friends and family members she decided she hated, having all family responsibilities dumped on me (kids, school, dishes, cooking, laundry, all while working full-time), etc.  It was awful, but I am soo happy to be out of that.

Why does she treat you like you are nobody, now?  Because she's painted you black.  That is how they operate.  If you were the one doing the leaving and rejecting, she would react far differently.  I was the one cheated on and walked out on over and over during our marriage, but when I finally got fed up and told her goodbye... .suddenly she would call me crying or try to lure me back in with everything from sex to being super-sweet.  And it worked, until she had me again.  Then she went back to being the same person.  I finally ended it after things went the same way, including more infidelity, and she threw her fits up until she found a new supply... .which was a whopping week or two.

As of now, we still have to communicate because we share children and things are much less drama-laden.  But it is still difficult to see my children have to deal with her immaturity and painful selfishness.

Have you read this article?  If not, I highly recommend it:

Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Also, one of my jobs, aside from welcoming you, is to help you find the best board to begin posting your story and finding support.  Please consider posting more about your story to the Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD board.

Welcome, pwoods.  It gets better.  You will find the clarity and peace you seek.

[walksoftly]

Thank-you out of egypt!

What an incredible ego blow- I think she was with this new guy a full year before she left me in a rage. How awful that they conspired against me while I paid the bills, helped with homework for my children, etc etc!  Who does this? No values, empathy, remorse.

[OutOfEgypt]

Ohhh... .I am sadly familiar with that.  I took care of the kids, paid the bills, cooked, worked, and did everything while she cheated on me and, while still keeping her lie alive, even made me feel terrible for sensing something was going on.  Her "gay friend" was "gay," and that's it... .I'm just a selfish, controlling, insecure jerk.  Right?   Riiiiiight.

Hard to be "enough" for someone who lives purely for their own desires and needs and obsessions and expects everyone else to, as well.

[DreamGirl]

Thank-you out of egypt!

What an incredible ego blow- I think she was with this new guy a full year before she left me in a rage. How awful that they conspired against me while I paid the bills, helped with homework for my children, etc etc!  Who does this? No values, empathy, remorse.

I wanted to add to OOE's welcome.  

Infidelity in a marriage is definitely one of the hardest experiences in this life to work through - anger, betrayal, more anger... .and a lot of hurt. At least that seems to be the ebb and flow I experienced.

How old is your kiddo? How is the co-parenting relationship going after 18 months?

[walksoftly]

Hi Dream Girl,

Well, Family Court was terrible. I fought a restraining order because it stated I was a danger to her and my daughter - The judge quashed it.- and I took her to court after that for violating a court order for denial of parenting time. She moved away with my daughter to another town where her new supply lives.

My daughter is nine and everytime she sees me(every other weekend) she states that she misses me and wants to see me more often. She told me she would notify her mom of this and the resnse I get from the mother is that I am manipulating her. My daughter is emotionally intelligent and continues to ask her mother to allow more time with me.

On a Sunday drive back to the drop off point (where the mother picks her up) I asked my daughter, Im pleased you arent so sad this time, you aren't crying and she responded, Im holding the tears inside Dad- Im thinking about the good times.

Oh my, heartbreaking- but I say to her- this is our reality right now and you and I have to be strong- we can do this together.