what about the kids?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPDstbxh (high-functioning) painted me black. LC (only divorce mattes) right now. I'm very angry at him for moving on to a replacement after a r/s of six years (and married for 4 years). I've shown my kids (his step kids) how sad I've been, how hurt I am. They were also fed up with all the tension for the past six months, the ST towards me, the unreasonable demands.

He's not contacting my S19 and S18, but is contacting my D15. They went out for a motorcycle ride two weeks ago. He picked her up at a meeting point because I don't want to see him. She had a nice afternoon and got a pair of expensive sneakers out of him (bribery?). After the ride I realised (and told her) how much it hurt me knowing them doing fun stuff. I told her if he cannot respect me, ignores me and treats me like dirt, he does not deserve our respect either.

The divorce from their father was an amicable one, kids needs being first priority, not creating any loyalty conflict.

The divorce from pwBPD/NPD is different. I feel like I'm using my kids to get back at him. He left us, he's threatening to kick us out of the house, he's paying just enough alimony to pay the bills and hardly enough to eat (I have no income right now, quit my job to become a student, which he encouraged me to do, promising to pay for my tuition).

He contacted her again yesterday and she did not respond. I asked her why. She said that I did not want her to go out with him. They had an amazing r/s until the ___ hit the fan. She is disappointed in him, but she also liked their get-togethers. She has a lot of good memories, besides all the tension that she experienced and the bad stuff that she saw.

I'm concerned by my own behaviour. I am now creating a loyalty conflict. I'm not putting my kids needs in the first place. But then again, should I teach my D15 that it is okay for someone to treat their mother like dirt but still be a 'nice' guy to everyone else?

Big dilemma... .What's your take on this?

[Tiepje3]

My uBPDstbxh (high-functioning) painted me black. LC (only divorce mattes) right now. I'm very angry at him for moving on to a replacement after a r/s of six years (and married for 4 years). I've shown my kids (his step kids) how sad I've been, how hurt I am. They were also fed up with all the tension for the past six months, the ST towards me, the unreasonable demands.

He's not contacting my S19 and S18, but is contacting my D15. They went out for a motorcycle ride two weeks ago. He picked her up at a meeting point because I don't want to see him. She had a nice afternoon and got a pair of expensive sneakers out of him (bribery?). After the ride I realised (and told her) how much it hurt me knowing them doing fun stuff. I told her if he cannot respect me, ignores me and treats me like dirt, he does not deserve our respect either.

The divorce from their father was an amicable one, kids needs being first priority, not creating any loyalty conflict.

The divorce from pwBPD/NPD is different. I feel like I'm using my kids to get back at him. He left us, he's threatening to kick us out of the house, he's paying just enough alimony to pay the bills and hardly enough to eat (I have no income right now, quit my job to become a student, which he encouraged me to do, promising to pay for my tuition).

He contacted her again yesterday and she did not respond. I asked her why. She said that I did not want her to go out with him. They had an amazing r/s until the ___ hit the fan. She is disappointed in him, but she also liked their get-togethers. She has a lot of good memories, besides all the tension that she experienced and the bad stuff that she saw.

I'm concerned by my own behaviour. I am now creating a loyalty conflict. I'm not putting my kids needs in the first place. But then again, should I teach my D15 that it is okay for someone to treat their mother like dirt but still be a 'nice' guy to everyone else?

Big dilemma... .What's your take on this?

[Tiepje3]

... .Or maybe this post belongs on the divorce/custody board. Not sure... .