My wife says I never talk...

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife's issue lately has been that she's doing all the talking, and I only respond by acknowledging what she's feeling. She wants to know what I'm feeling.

She hates that I can open up with a buddy from church, in my 12-step group, or to my therapist. I agree with her on this.

The problem with telling her what I'm feeling is the immediate and persistent invalidation of my feelings. (I'm a high validation type of guy, myself)

For example, she read a notebook I use (small pocket notebook for reminders) and brought up in marriage counseling all the notes I wrote to myself for my own therapy session. I've been pretty angry (that she'd misconstrue what I wrote and the inaccurate assumptions that went with it). So now there's criticism of me being angry. Which is frustrating.

So I'm at my wits end on what to do.

If I tell her I don't want to talk, I get more crap.

If I tell her how I feel, I get invalidation (which isn't helping me stay healthy).

If I try to talk about the criticism of my feelings (which I have a right to have, same as her), I'm a big baby, and she wasn't criticisng me, and emotional blackmail.

Is it simply thicker skin? Should I DEARMAN the request she let me have my feelings? Is there something else I'm missing?

I haven't tried DEARMAN. I can never remember it in the heat of the moment.

Thanks in advance.

[gomez_addams]

My wife's issue lately has been that she's doing all the talking, and I only respond by acknowledging what she's feeling. She wants to know what I'm feeling.

She hates that I can open up with a buddy from church, in my 12-step group, or to my therapist. I agree with her on this.

The problem with telling her what I'm feeling is the immediate and persistent invalidation of my feelings. (I'm a high validation type of guy, myself)

For example, she read a notebook I use (small pocket notebook for reminders) and brought up in marriage counseling all the notes I wrote to myself for my own therapy session. I've been pretty angry (that she'd misconstrue what I wrote and the inaccurate assumptions that went with it). So now there's criticism of me being angry. Which is frustrating.

So I'm at my wits end on what to do.

If I tell her I don't want to talk, I get more crap.

If I tell her how I feel, I get invalidation (which isn't helping me stay healthy).

If I try to talk about the criticism of my feelings (which I have a right to have, same as her), I'm a big baby, and she wasn't criticisng me, and emotional blackmail.

Is it simply thicker skin? Should I DEARMAN the request she let me have my feelings? Is there something else I'm missing?

I haven't tried DEARMAN. I can never remember it in the heat of the moment.

Thanks in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Deeno02]

While i wasnt in a 12 step or anything,  i could never express my true feelings or emotions other than for her benefit. I love you, great job, im so proud of you, im glad to have you,, were my 4 common ones. Barely recieved any of those in return. I couldnt be honest with her when she did something hurtful, or gave her treat me special or else rant, or the once a month come to jesus meeting where my deficiencies were pointed out. Id just clam up and agree, or give a half assed explanation on something i didnt do, or mostly her fault but took it as my bad. I had a few times over the year and a half i wanted to cut and run. Probably should of, but i didnt. Now im dumped, disgarded and feeling like my world has ended while her life goes on with her replacement for me, a college buddy who knew her from school, but doesnt really "know" her. I think they are on week 4 now. Yay me... .

[Rockylove]

I haven't tried DEARMAN. I can never remember it in the heat of the moment.

Don't be too hard on yourself... .I can't remember DEARMAN even on the good days!  

What I have learned from lessons is to lather, rinse, repeat.  Repetition has helped me form (good) habits.  I don't just use the tools with my husband, I've made them part of my life and it's helping me stay calmer in all kinds of situations.  

I'm not sure what will help in your situation, but try different tools until something strikes a chord and feels natural for you.  

Wishing you peaceful days ahead!

[Bair]

I get that too sometimes.  Usually there can be several things going on for me. It is part I am just being the introverted me thinking about something else. It is part me being numb--cause I feel less pain. It is part me avoiding conflict because I fear her reaction or just not having the emotional energy to deal with her. Any given day the mix can vary.

And it took awhile for me to accept that some times no matter what I did or didn't do… the outcome was not going to change.