XW putting pressure on me to break NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been three and a half months of complete NC with xw. My xw is now trying to get me to talk to her in person or on the phone.

She's tried to call me from unknown numbers, send texts and emails. I haven't responded to any attempt she's made although I wanted to so bad. She really triggered me.

The last email she wrote was full of projections. She said I needed to stop being angry and playing the victim. There is no way for her know how or what I'm feeling. I've been NC!

She went onto invalidate the feelings she claims I'm having by stating that by me being "angry and playing the victim" I was being "dishonest".

Dishonest? Funny, last I remember she was having an affair before she divorced me.

She claims that if we were to talk it would help settle things between us. Not sure what she means by that. What could she say that would settle things that couldn't be written in an email first? You know, something that could break the ice and open things up for honest discussion. She could start with a heart felt written apology.

I know that's what I would do if there was someone I cared about, who felt that they didn't want to speak with me because I hurt them. I would start by writing them and saying "I know I've hurt you and I would like to apologize for what I've done, etc."

That's how an emotionally mature person with good intentions would begin to heal a broken relationship. If you hurt someone you value then you would make a vulnerable move and open yourself up to them first. If they respond, you could possibly move forward with helping to heal their hurt feelings and mend the relationship.

[RisingSun]

It's been three and a half months of complete NC with xw. My xw is now trying to get me to talk to her in person or on the phone.

She's tried to call me from unknown numbers, send texts and emails. I haven't responded to any attempt she's made although I wanted to so bad. She really triggered me.

The last email she wrote was full of projections. She said I needed to stop being angry and playing the victim. There is no way for her know how or what I'm feeling. I've been NC!

She went onto invalidate the feelings she claims I'm having by stating that by me being "angry and playing the victim" I was being "dishonest".

Dishonest? Funny, last I remember she was having an affair before she divorced me.

She claims that if we were to talk it would help settle things between us. Not sure what she means by that. What could she say that would settle things that couldn't be written in an email first? You know, something that could break the ice and open things up for honest discussion. She could start with a heart felt written apology.

I know that's what I would do if there was someone I cared about, who felt that they didn't want to speak with me because I hurt them. I would start by writing them and saying "I know I've hurt you and I would like to apologize for what I've done, etc."

That's how an emotionally mature person with good intentions would begin to heal a broken relationship. If you hurt someone you value then you would make a vulnerable move and open yourself up to them first. If they respond, you could possibly move forward with helping to heal their hurt feelings and mend the relationship.

[freedom33]

Hey RisingSung.

That's some nerve! It is maddening isn't it? I went NC with my ex and told her to never contact me again. After a few days she sent me a text patronising me and accusing me of having anger problems after she almost drove me to desperation during a holiday weekend. And you know what? She is god damn right I have anger problems - when I am around her. That's why I removed myself from the source of my anger and now almost 2 months  later and keeping strict NC I feel great.

And also through my experience with her I have made good friends with my anger. Anger is not a bad feeling. We usually react to it but either complaining (i.e. projecting it - that's what my ex did) or explaining (minimising it - that's what I did for the most part). My motto is don't complain / don't explain. Anger is such a great feeling if we can connect to it and channel it in the right way. Anger is a call for action. It is a call for boundaries. It tells you that something is not good for you.

A lot of men are made to feel guilty if they are angry. We are made to think by the collective and the society at large that men shouldn't have feelings particularly anger and we should just stand there like a rock receiving punch after punch.

The apology letter is also one of my fantasies RisingSun. Maybe we have to write this to ourselves on their behalf to get some closure. Keep up the good 3 1/2 months of NC bro! By the way how are you feeling?

[RisingSun]

Hey RisingSung.

That's some nerve! It is maddening isn't it? I went NC with my ex and told her to never contact me again. After a few days she sent me a text patronising me and accusing me of having anger problems after she almost drove me to desperation during a holiday weekend. And you know what? She is god damn right I have anger problems - when I am around her. That's why I removed myself from the source of my anger and now almost 2 months  later and keeping strict NC I feel great.

And also through my experience with her I have made good friends with my anger. Anger is not a bad feeling. We usually react to it but either complaining (i.e. projecting it - that's what my ex did) or explaining (minimising it - that's what I did for the most part). My motto is don't complain / don't explain. Anger is such a great feeling if we can connect to it and channel it in the right way. Anger is a call for action. It is a call for boundaries. It tells you that something is not good for you.

A lot of men are made to feel guilty if they are angry. We are made to think by the collective and the society at large that men shouldn't have feelings particularly anger and we should just stand there like a rock receiving punch after punch.

The apology letter is also one of my fantasies RisingSun. Maybe we have to write this to ourselves on their behalf to get some closure. Keep up the good 3 1/2 months of NC bro! By the way how are you feeling?

Hey Freedom, Hope you're doing well.

Yes, I'm still angry as hell at times. It's all part of the process of healing. Anger can be used as a tool if it empowers us to move on with our lives. If it's channeled properly, anger can augment our progress forward into a new life. So yes, she's correct, I'm angry. But she is only speculating on my anger. She's not understanding how I'm using my anger.  I'm not projecting my anger onto her, therefore it's not binding me to her. My anger is propelling me further away from her.

As for me taking the role of the victim, well I am a victim of abuse, that's for certain. But I'm surely trying my hardest to come out of this empowered.

My xw is taking NC as a slight against her, when it's not meant to punish her at all. It's meant for my protection and avoidance of further pain and trauma. I told her this many times before severing all ties. She never let that sink in or even bothered to contemplate what I meant by "for my own emotional safety I can not longer be in contact with you".

My xw just got word I was leaving on a month long trip to visit friends out of state. She's realizing her loss of control over me and she's freaking. Now that I've had distance, her actions are so clear to me as attempts to regain control. I no longer have to worry about breaking NC. She's reminding me with every email and text that it's never a good idea to engage with her. The harder she tries to cross my boundaries the firmer they become.

I'm feeling so much better now. Thaks for asking. After the three month mark, things really took a turn for the better. My life is moving forward in a big way. After getting the crazy b!tch out for good, things started to fall into place. Actually, looking back over the last eleven years (the length of my BPD relationship) my life has never run smoother as it is now. I have more energy, mental clarity, freedom of expression, a social life and the list goes on. I do still have difficult moments but I can now see the wonderful life I'm heading towards.

Peace brother

[Mutt]

Hi RisingSun,

You have a good grasp on healthy anger. You've been defending your boundaries pretty good from the sounds of it. Her escalation sounds like she might be headed for an extinction burst.

You're out of the fog, your mind is clearer. You feel better. You're seeing things for what the are. She's projecting her anger and waif behavior on you. As you said, she had the affair and it's her insecurities. She's testing your boundaries. The EB will fade. Keep defending your boundaries. Boundaries of steel with a PD  

[Caredverymuch]

Hey RisingSung.

That's some nerve! It is maddening isn't it? I went NC with my ex and told her to never contact me again. After a few days she sent me a text patronising me and accusing me of having anger problems after she almost drove me to desperation during a holiday weekend. And you know what? She is god damn right I have anger problems - when I am around her. That's why I removed myself from the source of my anger and now almost 2 months  later and keeping strict NC I feel great.

And also through my experience with her I have made good friends with my anger. Anger is not a bad feeling. We usually react to it but either complaining (i.e. projecting it - that's what my ex did) or explaining (minimising it - that's what I did for the most part). My motto is don't complain / don't explain. Anger is such a great feeling if we can connect to it and channel it in the right way. Anger is a call for action. It is a call for boundaries. It tells you that something is not good for you.

A lot of men are made to feel guilty if they are angry. We are made to think by the collective and the society at large that men shouldn't have feelings particularly anger and we should just stand there like a rock receiving punch after punch.

The apology letter is also one of my fantasies RisingSun. Maybe we have to write this to ourselves on their behalf to get some closure. Keep up the good 3 1/2 months of NC bro! By the way how are you feeling?

Hey Freedom, Hope you're doing well.

Yes, I'm still angry as hell at times. It's all part of the process of healing. Anger can be used as a tool if it empowers us to move on with our lives. If it's channeled properly, anger can augment our progress forward into a new life. So yes, she's correct, I'm angry. But she is only speculating on my anger. She's not understanding how I'm using my anger.  I'm not projecting my anger onto her, therefore it's not binding me to her. My anger is propelling me further away from her.

As for me taking the role of the victim, well I am a victim of abuse, that's for certain. But I'm surely trying my hardest to come out of this empowered.

My xw is taking NC as a slight against her, when it's not meant to punish her at all. It's meant for my protection and avoidance of further pain and trauma. I told her this many times before severing all ties. She never let that sink in or even bothered to contemplate what I meant by "for my own emotional safety I can not longer be in contact with you".

My xw just got word I was leaving on a month long trip to visit friends out of state. She's realizing her loss of control over me and she's freaking. Now that I've had distance, her actions are so clear to me as attempts to regain control. I no longer have to worry about breaking NC. She's reminding me with every email and text that it's never a good idea to engage with her. The harder she tries to cross my boundaries the firmer they become.

I'm feeling so much better now. Thaks for asking. After the three month mark, things really took a turn for the better. My life is moving forward in a big way. After getting the crazy b!tch out for good, things started to fall into place. Actually, looking back over the last eleven years (the length of my BPD relationship) my life has never run smoother as it is now. I have more energy, mental clarity, freedom of expression, a social life and the list goes on. I do still have difficult moments but I can now see the wonderful life I'm heading towards.

Peace brother

Hi RisingSun,

I am really impressed and sending you a   for maintaining your boundaries. I recall when you arrived here, reading your initial post, revealing your immense emotional pain. I think I can recall something you mentioned in that initial post bc it resonated so very much with my own experience.

You were just weeping so openly as your ex was telling you about her love for another, and she was unable to recognize or validate any degree of your anguish.  I felt, as I read your words, that I could actually see you weep, your description and your articulation of what was occurring in your heart was so astute.

This same thing happened to me. I wept into my hands and tears that I did not even know I had, streamed like an ocean through my hands and literally to my toes, as I endured the same. My heart, my hands, and the floor Soaked in tears.  Perhaps why I was astounded reading the very same here and could understand.

I would not wish that on anyone.

Keep moving your life forward in big ways and so very happy for your mental clarity, and for the wonderful life you are visualizing. Out of the fog. 

[RisingSun]

Hi RisingSun,

You have a good grasp on healthy anger. You've been defending your boundaries pretty good from the sounds of it. Her escalation sounds like she might be headed for an extinction burst.

You're out of the fog, your mind is clearer. You feel better. You're seeing things for what the are. She's projecting her anger and waif behavior on you. As you said, she had the affair and it's her insecurities. She's testing your boundaries. The EB will fade. Keep defending your boundaries. Boundaries of steel with a PD  

Hey Mutt,

Thanks for the support. At this point in time, each day that goes by and each challenge she provides me with, only strengthens my resolve to remain NC. There was a certain point I crossed over into a place where I could manage the emotional pain. At that point, I found my inner strength. Once I was able to tap into this strength, the anger came rushing in like a storm.

I then learned to channel this anger and put it to work on rebuilding my life. Two therapy sessions a week, some creative closure rituals and a lot of journaling helped with this.

My xw has been telling mutual friends that I'm not doing my inner work and that's why I won't speak to her. As you can see, the truth is the flip side of that. I've never been so stedfast in my resolve to face my issues head on. My life for the last three and a half months has been all about inner work. It's what the situation called for and I pulled myself up and forced myself out of the wreckage and back into life. 

Could you explain what an "extinction burst" is? I've never heard of that term. It sounds like something I should watch out for. I feel things are starting to come to a head with her. I'm glad I'll be 1000 miles away, without cell or internet by Monday.

Be well Mutt 

[RisingSun]

Hi RisingSun,

I am really impressed and sending you a   for maintaining your boundaries. I recall when you arrived here, reading your initial post, revealing your immense emotional pain. I think I can recall something you mentioned in that initial post bc it resonated so very much with my own experience.

You were just weeping so openly as your ex was telling you about her love for another, and she was unable to recognize or validate any degree of your anguish.  I felt, as I read your words, that I could actually see you weep, your description and your articulation of what was occurring in your heart was so astute.

This same thing happened to me. I wept into my hands and tears that I did not even know I had, streamed like an ocean through my hands and literally to my toes, as I endured the same. My heart, my hands, and the floor Soaked in tears.  Perhaps why I was astounded reading the very same here and could understand.

I would not wish that on anyone.

Keep moving your life forward in big ways and so very happy for your mental clarity, and for the wonderful life you are visualizing. Out of the fog. 

Hey Caredverymuch,

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but as you know, it will make you into a stronger person if you're willing to walk through the fire. Which seems like you are. So glad to have friends here who are treading the path to healing and Self discovery.

I'll never forget that night when I cried until I had no tears left. That was my breaking point but was also the undoing of an emotional knot I had carried for years. It changed me in the most positive of ways. For the longest time my emotions were frozen. I was in a place of being stuck between fight or flight. My therapist explained this to me as my means of copping with her abuse. It was my bodies way of protecting me, but in this state I couldn't get in touch with my feelings. When my xw would rage at me I would shut down inside. I was numb to the core.

The trauma she put me through during the last two months of our marriage cracked me open emotionally. This brought me to my knees and almost put me in the hospital. The first month I couldn't get out of bed, eat or sleep. It was one wave after another of stored up emotions, left over from 11 years of abuse, crashing over me day and night.   

Thank god that's over. Like you said, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But after it was over, I felt renewed. I'm now feeling softness in my heart. This softness is something I protect with strong boundaries. It's a very delicate balance I hold to remain in this state of openness. I know that a lot of the anger I'm feeling toward my xw is just a protection measure to keep my inner child safe. When I'm grounded in this new openness then I'm sure the anger will subside. Until then, I'm going to ride it like a wave into a better life free of abuse.

I'm thankful we have one another to facilitate our journey to recovery and beyond.

I just remembered a conversation I had the other night. A friend asked me, when the divorce was final, what I was going to do to celebrate. I told her that the rest of my life was going to be a

celebration, because I was finally free of abuse. Now that's a reason to celebrate!

[Mutt]

I'm real happy to hear you're doing good RisingSun. 

An extinction burst is when we stop reinforcing a behavior and our partners behavior gets worse before it gets better.

When I commited to low contact and didn't respond to projections, emotionally immature attacks in emails, her emails  became more frantic and desperate. I saw her acting out at an exchange with the kids during her one of her extinction burst and rage. I simply didn't react and quickly went on my way.

It was scary at the time but it gets better after the EB passes. In my case she was sending email bombs. I have read accounts with members on the boards with partners incessantly calling, texting and suicide threats - a major meltdown. It's basically when we don't give into the habitual responses.

I kept re-enforcing my boundaries through her attacks and eventually it petered out. Here's more information:

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts