Triggered

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Oh god.

You know,  I can't see a way through this I really can't.

So today I bumped into a mutual aquaintance of me and my waif. 

I don't want to talk about it much but I asked him about her and if he'd ever had any odd interaction with her and let's just say he told me some things that just showed me a whole other side to her that I just wish I didn't know about.

It's just never ending and now she's being nice to me but I can't do no contact and I'm just so depressed and it just doesn't seem to stop

[Infern0]

Oh god.

You know,  I can't see a way through this I really can't.

So today I bumped into a mutual aquaintance of me and my waif. 

I don't want to talk about it much but I asked him about her and if he'd ever had any odd interaction with her and let's just say he told me some things that just showed me a whole other side to her that I just wish I didn't know about.

It's just never ending and now she's being nice to me but I can't do no contact and I'm just so depressed and it just doesn't seem to stop

[Blimblam]

Inferno.

I cut out all mutual friends because it was triggering for me.

When you are ready and can no longer tolerate the pain you will end contact.

It gets better over time and the less contact you have.

I had an extremely hard time maintaining nc but I made it about she had to give me a real appology if I was to ever see her again. Guess what it ain't going to happen.

When the full picture is revealed it is almost unbearable to look at. I'm sorry.

[FoolishMan]

Oh god.

You know,  I can't see a way through this I really can't.

So today I bumped into a mutual aquaintance of me and my waif. 

I don't want to talk about it much but I asked him about her and if he'd ever had any odd interaction with her and let's just say he told me some things that just showed me a whole other side to her that I just wish I didn't know about.

It's just never ending and now she's being nice to me but I can't do no contact and I'm just so depressed and it just doesn't seem to stop

It was the same for me. I thought she was someone else. I've had the benefit of talking to members of one of her ex bfs family and she was horrible to him too. Although she made out to me it was other way around.

They are that horrible cold hearted b___ that you see after the r/s is done. That's them in the flesh, the reality.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but take care of yourself time will heal you it will and you will be glad it's over.

[Deeno02]

It is depressing. Anxiety and lack of sleep took its toll to the point of hair falling out. Stay strong. Im a month in B/U, 12 days NC and doing a tad better each day. You have to take care of you now.

[Infern0]

I just can't. ... I don't know what I'm going to do.

I wish I'd kept up the no contact but I didn't and now it's like,  she's telling me she needs me and stuff and she's opening up to me again.

I don't know what to do,  she just brings me so much pain over and over but then it's like I talk to her and it makes me feel good and it's like I forget who I'm dealing with and then something will happen and it just brings it all back.

And it's not the same as before.  I know she's not who I thought she was but it's like what can I do?  We are on friendly terms so I can't just go NC.

So I'm back on the merry go round and it's like I'm constantly paranoid,  because I know what's coming it's going to be pain again. I'm so messed up,  up and down up and down.

All I keep doing is going for walks,  just walking for hours down along the river.  I don't understand this,  I just wish for my old life back.  I don't want this head full of just corrupted confused nonsense and pain and just misery.  I want to be a stable person again.

Sorry this is just because I've triggered I'll probably be "alright" tomorrow haha.  Back to thinking it will all work out.

[Infern0]

I just can't seem to stabilize myself,  it's like I've just forgotten how to do it. I can't make my mind up on what to do its like being on a roller coaster.  It doesn't matter how adamant I get that I'm going to cut her off,  a few hours later I'm like no I can't do that.  Eugh.  Sorry for rambling

[Blimblam]

I just can't. ... I don't know what I'm going to do.

I wish I'd kept up the no contact but I didn't and now it's like,  she's telling me she needs me and stuff and she's opening up to me again.

I don't know what to do,  she just brings me so much pain over and over but then it's like I talk to her and it makes me feel good and it's like I forget who I'm dealing with and then something will happen and it just brings it all back.

And it's not the same as before.  I know she's not who I thought she was but it's like what can I do?  We are on friendly terms so I can't just go NC.

So I'm back on the merry go round and it's like I'm constantly paranoid,  because I know what's coming it's going to be pain again. I'm so messed up,  up and down up and down.

All I keep doing is going for walks,  just walking for hours down along the river.  I don't understand this,  I just wish for my old life back.  I don't want this head full of just corrupted confused nonsense and pain and just misery.  I want to be a stable person again.

Sorry this is just because I've triggered I'll probably be "alright" tomorrow haha.  Back to thinking it will all work out.

This is good stuff right here.

It's a choice you have to make. Either way it will be a learning experience. Those what ifs and if onlys can haunt us and sometimes going back or contact is what it takes to get that point that enough is enough.

It takes what it takes I wish it was easier but it is what it is.

I'm sorry your in so much pain man. I know that yearning it follows no logic and is unrelenting in it's depraivity.

[Blimblam]

I just can't seem to stabilize myself,  it's like I've just forgotten how to do it. I can't make my mind up on what to do its like being on a roller coaster.  It doesn't matter how adamant I get that I'm going to cut her off,  a few hours later I'm like no I can't do that.  Eugh.  Sorry for rambling

No need to be sorry. I've been there I know that feeling.  You will get through this. You have made the choice to detache. It's not an easy choice and it's not a linear path.

[FoolishMan]

I just can't seem to stabilize myself,  it's like I've just forgotten how to do it. I can't make my mind up on what to do its like being on a roller coaster.  It doesn't matter how adamant I get that I'm going to cut her off,  a few hours later I'm like no I can't do that.  Eugh.  Sorry for rambling

I've been there and it is terrible. Is there anything g you can do to take your mind off it? Get away on a holiday somewhere nice? I feel for you as I've read your posts a lot and some days you are so strong then like this. It's a terrible place to be but the only and I mean only way out is NC. Take care.

[JB8888]

I promise you it gets better, but you need to make a choice to not look back and look forward down your own path toward peace and happiness. I had a check in session with my old therapist as I couldn't turn my head away from the past. I was attaching a story or trying to find logic in my pain. You're mourning, but feelings are transient as are your thoughts. In 3 hours, you may have an uplifting experience and feel fine. Pain and thoughts come like the sun comes up and goes down... .all you need to do is just let the feeling be the feeling, recognise it but don't try to attach a story to it. And it will pass.

You need to focus on yourself, and if you can make the choice to step away from an unhealthy situation that will never turn healthy. If that means going NC because that is what will help you, then go NC. It does help alot. I would recommend doing a meditation app. If you have a smartphone the Headspace app really helped me. 10 minutes a day to just breathe and pull my focus back to me. It's guided and the dude on it helps you slow down rumination, and if you do it to recognise your thoughts drifting, be okay with it, and pull it back to you and your breathing.

I'm 5 months into my BU and have worked hard to stay NC. She prods me weekly. I have my days of panic and missing her but I saw her this past weekend by chance. Nothing has changed. Her projected life is nothing like I imagined or I heard about... .she's in a tailspin and if anything it was a relief but at the same time very sad. But I can't help her... .I tried for 5 years and I know the routine. I just don't want to be on that rollercoaster again. It wasn't me or how any aspect of my life rolls... .and there's only one loser. Me. But not anymore. I've done the work and still am, and I'm getting better and stronger and have myself back.

This is just a moment in time, and as they say this too shall pass. But you need to feel what you feel and think what you think but don't take them as fact. Just let them roll over you. It will all make sense in time and this experience will lead you toward good things as this reminder will keep you away from unhealthy relationships.

Be good to yourself, hang with your friends and good solid people.

[irishmarmot]

You're going through the process of detachment so be easy on yourself.   Unfortunately getting out of a relationship with a pwBPD very painful.   It has been over 9 months of NC and I still think about her every day despite what she did to me.  It doesn't have the same impact as you are feeling right now and NC is not for everyone but it helped me immensely.