Ready to move on? Or want to hide under the covers?

[JRav59]

So, I ended my relationship with my ex BPD about 5 months ago. There was some slight contact at first, but I am so thankful that she is halfway around the world. She's been blocked from everything. No fear of drive bys.

Since then, she found an replacement, etc. Part of me is hurt. I saw a photo of them together (beaming, in love, etc) by accident and immediately wanted to throw up. I obviously didn't really matter to this person. Or how quickly she could just move on and not process anything. Obviously she is so well adjusted within herself that I was the problem (sarcasm). She is exhausting to her partners. I have reached out to a few exs from her past. They all knew the feeling I was talking about.

I have days where I really don't care. Where I am thankful that I was able to escape. That I am a good person worthy of the things I spent so much time giving to her. That I feel like I am ready to move forward. I still have work to do on myself, but she is no longer part of the equation.

Then I have days like today. That picture is burned in my brain. I feel awful and that I just don't matter. It really sucks.

Has anyone else had this? Days where everything is positive and moving forward and days where you just want to stay home and give into the pain?

[Confused?]

I feel the same way. I have days that go great then out of nowhere bam. I think about how much effort I put in only to get discarded like trash and everything was my fault. Of course I could have tried to defuse situations in arguing but I was so completely out of energy during our relationship. Every argument started with her disease and I was the one that paid for it. The fact that I loved her and stuck by her side and would have never left her is what keeps me moving forward. Knowing I did everything in my power for her and then just replaced like maybe this guy will do even more is where I truly see her for who she is. She is a user and yea it sucks to realize it after so long, but at least I realize it now. No one will ever mean anything to her. She will be alone forever. She uses relationships to get through life. That is truly sad.

[pieceofme]

i feel like it's one step forward, ten steps back.

yesterday i discovered who my replacement is. it made me feel physically ill. nine days ago he was trying to recycle and sleep with me and two short days later, he's IN LOVE with this new girl. i can't even process that. i'm definitely hiding under the covers today  :'(

[Deeno02]

Sorry for the repeat. I started a journal after the b/u. This was her birthday entry. I remained no contact.Im still sad.

My journal entry for today: Today is your birthday. Last year I gave you the blue Tiffany box for your new bracelet. I purchased flowers for the kids to give to you as your ex did nothing for them to celebrate your birthday. As I cried for us on the way to work I realized what I will miss. Now, I will miss being with you and the kids sharing in your day. I will miss being with you as we went out for dinner. I will miss making love to you. I will miss looking over at you for no reason other than loving you. I will miss holding your hand. I will miss you hanging on my arm, grabbing it tightly. Now its the new guys responsibility. He will be the taking you to dinner. He will be the one getting you a gift. He will be the one making love to you. I will be sitting alone in my thoughts of you, torturing myself as to what i did to deserve this and why you dont care. Why and how you moved on so quick. Sometimes the hardest part of love, other than having none, is to let someone you love, go. I blew it, as you constantly say. There was nothing in your eyes after my John Cusack moment in the gym. You said a bunch of things to me in the gym before insulting my daughter and walking off, I wont go into detail of it, but it mostly consisted of me not being with you enough as deemed necessary. Or communicate as much as possible. I tried to do the best I can and I probably could have made a better effort. Theres always room to improve in every aspect. But what about you? Did you try? Or was it all me.  I except full responsibility for this as you wont. Every bit of it. I destroy what I touch, I show no emotion, Im not capable of love, so you say. I didnt fight for you? A guy who was willing to marry a woman with 5  kids (1 Autistic), purchased a ring and was looking at houses big enough to handle 7 kids should have shown you some type of commitment. Of course you wouldnt have known about the proposal because I was going to do that today, your birthday. Maybe I didnt get emotional as I should. Don't ever doubt that I love you. Don't. I do. I would do or say anything for you. I'm working on this. I started by forgiving my ex wife. 3 years is long enough to harbor feelings like that. It's no good. It was a barrier. Working on my communication skills to. I know you don't care, just letting you know. But you'll never know because I will never be with you again, even if you try to recycle me. You couldnt have done any worse if you had shot me dead, as Im dead inside. I dont know how to recover, I dont even know if I want to. I hope this new guy can give you the happiness you deserve as I couldnt seem to provide it.

[bunnysc]

Deeno, thats really touching mate. I send you my strength even tho its just so little left in me. Keep strong, I feel you and I am in the same boat trying just to move on but as you say

I dont know how to recover, I dont even know if I want to.

 same here, I just don't know where to get my strength from... .I am so broked inside out.

[Tibbles]

I am going through that at the moment. I've been away from uBPDexh for about 18 months and it is time to move on. So now we have to do the house up for sale. So I am back in full contact, working 4hrs a day gardening in the family home I left 18 months ago. So while I am there I look at it as a job that must be done to move to a better future, I come home and just want to hide under the covers, feeling the pain of everything I have lost. The house and garden reflect the state of our relationship - a total mess and there is so much work to be done. I felt strong before I had to re-engage. Now I am just hanging in there and I guess I will just have to keep hanging in there. Good days when I don't have to go there - appreciate how far I have come and feel strong, and bad days when I do - seeing all that I have lost.

[Blimblam]

Jrav59

Yes,

It's been a lot of 2 steps foreward 1 step back for me. When I look at on a scale of months though the progress is clear. About a month ago I felt amazing this one day. Then not untill today have I felt that good again. It's like things will clear up and I will feel good then

Boom a new layer of crap to process. Or I will encounter a trigger that will set me off. It's all good though the healing process is not linear and is teaching me a lot about patience and letting go of expectations.

Even though you were triggered it seems you have made a lot of progress overall and  seem to have a decent sense of closure which is huge!  Like your at the I still have a hiccup here and there and out of the "will this ever end?" Phase. In 5 months you have come a long way i commend you!

[Deeno02]

I have no idea why I feel the way I do. I really dont. I cant put a finger on it. In my younger days if this kind of crap was pulled on me, I would have said, f**K you, later. Why is this so difficult? It pains me to say that Im a 50 year old man that was in an abusive relationship, but yet she's still controlling my thoughts and actions while I sit home all jacked up. She's out with the new guy and Im home, in suffering. Why?

[camuse]

Just let the feelings flow out until they are gone - and they will be gone in the end, as long as you don't contact her, accept contact or look at her social media.

It's not a linear process, some days are good some bad, but you won't feel like this forever. In fact, I suspect this time next year you will wonder why on earth you ever felt so bad

[purpleavocado]

Has anyone else had this? Days where everything is positive and moving forward and days where you just want to stay home and give into the pain?

Absolutely. My breakup was almost 18 months ago, and I will say that the days when I want to give into the pain have decreased substantially, but I still have more of them than I'd like. Just take it one day at a time. My therapist has recommended that I just 'notice and sit with it' when I feel that way instead of putting it out of my head. The harder I try to forget, the more my brain won't let me... .so I try to just remember, let my mind wander down that road as it needs to, and eventually it passes.

[JRav59]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your responses.  I am coming to realize I'm past a lot of things in the grieving/moving on process.

Sitting and wallowing about something that happened with someone who is just a sick person is no way to live my life. Especially since she has no capacity to understand what she did and how she affected me. She is out of my life. I don't need to wonder what happened because I think I always knew deep down she was a damaged soul. I am glad she is gone. Hearing about her life every once in a while just proves to me I WAS the better person and she was lucky to have me in her life. It only gets better from here.

Therapy/meditation/exercise/diet has been an immense help. It's about moving forward, cleaning out my own issues so I can recognize the signs of an unhealthy soul. I have the capacity to better my life and myself and in the end, that is most important to me. Its' not about being defined by a relationship. No one should ever have that power over you and if you get the feeling they do? Run! We get one life. Let's enjoy it and get the tools we need in order to flourish.

JRav

[Bak86]

I met someone this week and i actually got butterflies in my stomach. I haven't spend much time thinking about my ex. And all the thoughts i have are negative. It will get better with time.(4,5 months out) Life is GOOD  

[pieceofme]

I have no idea why I feel the way I do. I really dont. I cant put a finger on it. In my younger days if this kind of crap was pulled on me, I would have said, f**K you, later. Why is this so difficult? It pains me to say that Im a 50 year old man that was in an abusive relationship, but yet she's still controlling my thoughts and actions while I sit home all jacked up. She's out with the new guy and Im home, in suffering. Why?

my mother told me that i never tolerated so much bad behavior, or have given anyone as many chances as i did my ex. i have no idea why.

my ex has moved on and from all outward appearances is happy and having a great life. like you, i'm still very much struggling and suffering. it's not fair.