A year later...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I left my wife with BPD a year ago and have done a lot to move forward. I recently bought a new place and moved in. I've also reconnected with friends and made a lot of new ones which I've become really close to. What I set out to do a year ago I've done and done really well IMO. I've gone on a handful of dates and enjoyed each one of them even though they didn't work out. I continued to be successful with the current program I am taking. Things overall have progressed.

Lately I've felt down a bit and have thought about my ex-wife. Just today I needed the marriage certificate from her for the lawyers. It had been over 5 months since the last time I saw her. It ended up going very well and we visited for a couple hours. She seems to be doing well (affair and suicide attempt a year ago). I had to fight the emotion at times with her and when I did leave, I thought about us being together. I felt more calm than I had in a long time. It's kind of scary.

I honestly feel like there is nothing I can do to get over this relationship. I was in another serious relationship prior and she was a great person. She left me and it was devastating but I got over it. This one with BPD, I left her and can't seem to move past it.

Does it ever end?

[Mase11]

I left my wife with BPD a year ago and have done a lot to move forward. I recently bought a new place and moved in. I've also reconnected with friends and made a lot of new ones which I've become really close to. What I set out to do a year ago I've done and done really well IMO. I've gone on a handful of dates and enjoyed each one of them even though they didn't work out. I continued to be successful with the current program I am taking. Things overall have progressed.

Lately I've felt down a bit and have thought about my ex-wife. Just today I needed the marriage certificate from her for the lawyers. It had been over 5 months since the last time I saw her. It ended up going very well and we visited for a couple hours. She seems to be doing well (affair and suicide attempt a year ago). I had to fight the emotion at times with her and when I did leave, I thought about us being together. I felt more calm than I had in a long time. It's kind of scary.

I honestly feel like there is nothing I can do to get over this relationship. I was in another serious relationship prior and she was a great person. She left me and it was devastating but I got over it. This one with BPD, I left her and can't seem to move past it.

Does it ever end?

[ajr5679]

I hope so.

[sl1978]

Is it wrong to get back with her if she's acknowledged the problem and is actively working on it? I know I've been given second chances before that I probably didn't deserve. I guess I'm asking this because I'm in a similar situation: affair, then she left, and NC for 6 weeks now. I'm not ready to give up on her if she needs help and asks for it. But maybe that's just me not wanting to let go... .

[Mase11]

I don't think it's wrong to go back. It was a pretty intense time in my life and everything has changed now, so I thought. A month ago, the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

For me, I will see if over the next while if the feelings get stronger or go away. I don't know anything else to do.

As for your situation, if you're not ready to let go then try and hold out for a bit longer. However, at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself and ask if you can deal with this over and over again. Is she getting help or at least open to the idea?

I've read a lot of how people struggle after leaving someone with BPD and now I know how true it is. For me it's the frustration of what she has to deal with on a daily basis and she's alone. People won't understand that so I keep it to myself. Plus she keeps holding out for the day I go back, usually it's the other way around.

[clydegriffith]

I used to go back and forth with my X and glad it ended for good. She would acknowledge her problem, cry and say she wants to work things out and i would fall for it. The thing is while she was saying all that, i don't think she could control herself. Remeber that. Saying something and actually being able to do it are two very different things.

[GuiltHaunted]

The funny thing is; when we had heated arguments I would sometimes spurt out "I already have a child!" (she desperately wanted children with me). Back then it was obviously meant as an insult, but in retrospect there was a lot of truth to it. Caring for her, guiding her, arguing with her, or keeping track of her next stupid decision was much like taking care of a child. Add to that she was 10 year younger than myself.

She was ripped out of my life, and it does indeed feels like she died. The worst part is, that with death there is no hope - but she is still out there somewhere. Kind of like on eternal coma/life-support.

Yes, I am sure it will NEVER end. But I have ACCEPTED that, and that removes the pressure that it HAS to end. It's ok that I will be sad about this for the rest of my life - because it was/is sad.

[Blimblam]

It took Carl Jung 5 years to get over her borderline ex but he lived a happy life afterwards. In literature regarding the alchemical process they say 5 to 7 years. I am fairly certain his take on the alchemical process is based off of him gettin over a rs with a pwBPD.

[letmeout]

It has been compared to loosing a child. Does a parent who loses a child ever "get over" that?

I understand that very well. Being married to my ex was just like having a third child. The problem was, our kids grew up but he didn't. He will always be a temper-tantrum throwing little kid who demands to get his way, or there is hell to pay.

I wish him well but I can't be around that type of behavior, it takes too much out of your soul.

[freedom33]

It took Carl Jung 5 years to get over her borderline ex but he lived a happy life afterwards. In literature regarding the alchemical process they say 5 to 7 years. I am fairly certain his take on the alchemical process is based off of him gettin over a rs with a pwBPD.

Who was that borderline?

[Blimblam]

It took Carl Jung 5 years to get over her borderline ex but he lived a happy life afterwards. In literature regarding the alchemical process they say 5 to 7 years. I am fairly certain his take on the alchemical process is based off of him gettin over a rs with a pwBPD.

Who was that borderline?

I believe her name was spielrien.  If i remember correctly she was a Russian countess who wS his patient who went on to become a psychoanalyst herself. She was triangulating him with Freud. They even made a film about it. Dangerous liaisons If I remember correctly. After she left he became a shut it and wrote the redbook. He had a schizotypAl breakdown and that's when he discovered the core of his theories that he went on to elaborate on the test if his life. The red book is essentially a gnostic text. Carl Jung became a gnostic. All his work after that point are putting gnostic ideas into a framework of psychology.

[Mase11]

Saying one thing and doing another. Thanks for that reminder, this is something you deal with while in a relationship with BPD so I'm unsure why I feel that she would be telling me the truth now. I only saw her for 2 hours, what can you know in that short of a time frame.

Maybe it is something that I have to accept. Maybe it is a loss that I will never get over completely (like others have mentioned). My mind likes to remember the good and not the bad which explains the current struggles. Time has passed, wounds have healed (somewhat), excuses start getting made and you either fight through it or go back and go along for the ride. Ugh.

[Blimblam]

Made their or some great posts on this thread that will remind you why you shouldn't be friends.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235111.0

Can you ever be friends? Maybe but you have to have gotten over her completely first. Which typically takes years... .Years. Even then you know were that path leads if you fall in love, you will keep falling all the way down the rabbit hole a place you probably promised yourself you would never go back to.

[DivorcedNon]

I started NC before divorce and 2.5 years later I see no other way. NC is the only way (no kids with her)! She tried to contact me several times but I know it is just for her selfish reasons. In the beginning of NC I thought about her constantly. After learning about her BPD I did not want her back but I fantasized about us living together again and being happy again! These days I rarely think about her. It is some kind of event that makes me think of her and BPD in general. In meditation they teach you not to fight your thoughts and emotions but rather to just observe them and let them go. This is what I try to do. Remember what they tell you about rip currents: Do not fight rip currents, swim along and when the rip currents weaken gently turn around and go back to the shore. It is scary and counter intuitive but it will save your life. You will end up in a different point on the shore. You do not want to go to the same point again.  The same is with BPD. You have to have a plan, stick to it and have faith that everything will be ok at the end. BPD took me away from "home". I am going back home! The mirrors are broken and it is only me. I am ok with that. We all will be ok!

[GuiltHaunted]

It does indeed sound like our stories are similar.

My current struggle is, that I keep thinking about how she is doing. Sometimes I ask myself if I would be better of calling her and just ask, to end the rumination. On the other hand I am not so sure it's a good idea. 

[freedom33]

It does indeed sound like our stories are similar.

My current struggle is, that I keep thinking about how she is doing. Sometimes I ask myself if I would be better of calling her and just ask, to end the rumination. On the other hand I am not so sure it's a good idea.  

I know the temptation. But the only way to end the rumination is to keep away and have strict NC. Out of curiosity I also read your story and noticed there are many similarities with mine. We have roughly the same age - Also met her while in a different country (still here 8 years now) and we worked together. At the beginning I didn't like her physically. Average looking, very plain, not particularly well dressed a bit cooky... .Just interesting to talk to.  I invited her out with some friends - I wasn't even fishing and jumped on my boat. Also difficult to say 'no'.  All her colleagues were idiots too and she had and still has a very close relationship with her dad whom in her mind is elevated to the position of God. She also tried to learn my native language and even used to try to talk to me sometimes in that language. She started reading about the political and economic situation in my home country and be even more engaged with what was happening there than I was. All of that stuff while cute started irritating me but couldn't pin point why. On paper everything was fine - Not just fine actually - This passionate girl is learning my own language she is getting involved in my own culture, becoming an activist about my home country issues - who could have ever dreamed this. I even felt guilty for feeling angry about her behaviour - not being appreciative of such gifts. But now that I am out of the FOG and can see more clearly, the thing is that she was slowly hijacking my identity and life. Coming back to the topic - 2 months NC here. Blocked her from everything and it's the only thing that has given me some peace during the last 1 1/2 year since I met her. Keep away guys. Mase11 - it does end. Time, NC and focusing on ourselves is the organic solution.

[Infern0]

It took me about 2 years to get over my queen.  I think the waif is gonna take longer.

[GuiltHaunted]

That is the good thing here, that our stories are so much alike, that it adds an element of predictability. If it wasn't for reading all the horror stories of other breaking NC, I would probably have done it as well. I am 10 months NC now (17 since breakup).

About Shari, yes mine fits her "waif and unsung heroes" description too.