Tell you what... grind thru 90 more days

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm 19 days no contact. Today is the hardest... it's her birthday. I keep looking at her instagram and Facebook.  Stupid. I'm doing better so far though

[Xidion]

I'm 19 days no contact. Today is the hardest... it's her birthday. I keep looking at her instagram and Facebook.  Stupid. I'm doing better so far though

[itgirl]

Xidion -  Every time you visit her Facebook page, mention her name, think about texting her, etc, is wasted time.  No contact should also include no social media.

It is hard I know but once you stop doing it for a couple of days it feels very empowering.

[Aussie JJ]

ok... .

I'll chip in, I agree and disagree with you all here.  I'll share my experiences a bit and see what you all think and propose something else to do as a group while using the NC or LC tool.  

For me, I have LC with my exBPDgf.  Children make NC something that cant be done.  I had 4? LC attempts, each time I came back questioning her and was still attached, still looking for answers in her.  The thing that helped me was the realisation that Boris has posted above that NC or LC is a tool not a solution and the answers we have to find for ourselves in US.  It is something that we use to give ourselves the space to work on ourselves, to become de-meshed (if such a word exists).  

Step back, work on ourselves, figure out our own problems, do the 'hard work' or reflection necassary to understand ourselves and what we want / wanted out of this relationship and what we want going forward.  

For me, I decided at one stage, I recognise it still.  It didn't matter, all the lies, manipulations, abuse.  I played a part in it as well.  I was just as guilty as her in many respects.  I decided I could forgive, work through and process those events with her and have a happy healthy relationship.  So, I approached her, I tried one last time and I gave it everything.  I got some honesty form her, some insight was shown.  In the end it wasn't to be, I stopped with one thing that was said that made me just go, that is too much.  I understand the dynamic and I undersstand I can't say that that is acceptable.  

Relationships take two people to tango, I figured enough out about myself and looked hard enough to understand that I wasnt perfect either.  Placing all that blame on the other partner isnt healthy I had to look at myself first.  

My question, NC or LC is a tool, would you guys be interested in doing the workshops together as a group, talking about our own persepectives on the different topics and how we can see those behaviours we enabled, those behaviours we accepted and look at ourselves together to explore those issues.  

LC was a tool that gave me the space to go through the workshops and other activities and work on myself.  I encourage you to use this tool (NC or LC) however ask if anyone is interested in doing the workshops along the way as a group?

Throwing it out there... .


AJJ.  

[ucmeicu2]

Children make NC something that cant be done.  I had 4? LC attempts, each time I came back questioning her and was still attached, still looking for answers in her.  The thing that helped me was the realisation that Boris has posted above that NC or LC is a tool not a solution and the answers we have to find for ourselves in US.  It is something that we use to give ourselves the space to work on ourselves, to become de-meshed (if such a word exists).  

sure, i agree it's a tool not a solution.  yet i would not personally recommend LC unless someone absolutely HAD to remain in contact, like shared children, a job (and i'd probably be searching for a new one), etc.  kind of like how drinking is a symptom and when you quit it's not the solution... .yet it's pretty hard to heal from alcoholism if you keep drinking.   

 I encourage you to use this tool (NC or LC) however ask if anyone is interested in doing the workshops along the way as a group?

that sounds great.  i still struggle with aspects of the whole NC thing.  i still look on FB, for example. 

and i HATE it!  hate the way it makes me feel. 

but, like, i can't stop.   :'(      

icu

[NYMike]

6 Days today.This is the longest I have ever gone.No seeing her,no FB,no calling and no texting... .

[ucmeicu2]

6 Days today.This is the longest I have ever gone.No seeing her,no FB,no calling and no texting... .

good job, mike!   

icu

[downwhim]

73 DAYS TODAY!

[Lion Fire]

187 Days... .it get's better 

[NonAverageJoe]

After wasting over a month NC. I'm on day two. I'm committing to ninety days minimum no contact though it will be much easier now.

[pallavirajsinghani]

May I please join this thread even though my issue is not related to BPD?

I have a full schedule... two kids, husband self-employed in a lucrative business with demanding long hours, job, in laws, socializing, cooking cleaning ad nauseum. 

I eat for energy, not for hunger.  It's a miracle that for a person who survives on bags of cookies and eats chocolate like breathes air... .just to battle fatigue... .for this person to be a compact size 10.

My first 30 minutes without hitting the bag of chocolates in the fridge... .

I want to join in the 90 day club too.

No disrespect intended... .yes, I am as desperate to overcome this issue as you all are... .and I sense very strongly that it is now ingrained into my brain patterns.

We all have to unravel our old patterns and formulate new, healthier ones.

So, whether the obsessions/patterns/addictions are people, food or certain behaviors... .the challenges are similar.

Thank you for starting this thread... .and thank you for standing my me too.

I hereby stand by you and walk hand in hand on this 90 day path of recovery.  Each of us... .one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

God Bless.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi everyone

I think its been 135 days since exBP last contacted me, in the space of that time, he has (according to his Sister inlaw who filled me in against my willingness to know on the 23/12), managed to find another relationship and low and behold, a job, (after 6 years of unemployment and 4 of those with me).

His new job and himself are now apparently going well, he is on a Farm Stay 2 hours South of my home city, and he is with a female Psychiatrist, (  in a new relationship, apparently he has 'met his match' in her, since 'she keeps him in line'.

Prior to his contact with me several months back, he was living in his car still, in a Seaside city 20 minutes drive North of my home city, unemployed, with a Suspended Drivers License and parking fines building up that were being sent to his elderly parents, (his intention was that they feel sorry for him and pay them which they usually did).

It was his request in August that I keep phoning him each day, whereby I did for several days, and yea just listened to him droning out his opinions and negativity on our life, our split, my family, his family, his life, how tragic it was, how hard he was doing it, same old same old. At one point I foolishly suggested I drive over and bring him some food, but he turned it down, (I figured he might have been seeing someone else but wasn't being honest with me about that). And after a few days, I just stopped calling him.

After which he never contacted me again, although there were damages to things around my home, over the next few months, so I did wonder if he had followed me home one night from work, and was 'taking revenge' again like he used to frequently do.

I figured at least it wasn't my mind and heart any longer!

Although we have been separated since March this year, ExBP made several contact attempts I believe just to see if he

A) still had his hooks in me

B) if I was in another relationship

C) if he could use me for whatever he needed at that time, (validation, a listening ear via telephone, money... .)

Don't know why he bothered, because even though my heart is well and truly broken and I am still traumatised from the whole experience, I was never going back again, ever.

[JackBlacknBlue]

66 days NC.  While didn't break NC today, had a rough day - triggered by running across something that brought back a lot of anger. 

This too shall pass. 

[nowwhatz]

Split black made a suggestion that I think warrants its own thread. Here's his suggestion:

There is a saying what you resist persists. Goes along with Radical acceptance. You are lucky to be out. Seriously. Believe me it can get worse. NC is the only way to get past this agonizing withdrawal. Tell you what... .grind thru 90 more days. 90... .starting now. Swear on your own life or make some promise you will keep. And stick to it. 90... .seems to be the magic number in a lot of cases. NC means no facebook stalking, no drunk dialing, no texts... .she is dead to you. Act as if she died and because symbolically its the same difference. Pure, cold, NC... .go to a shrink, lock yourself in a basement but DO NOT CONTACT HER... .IF at the end of 90 sollid days... .you want to text and say... .Hi, hope all is well. Then do it. And then go back to your life. She will either text back or she wont but you will have put some exremely critical time and distance between you. Let her have her pathetic life. Shes bringing her dysfunctional self to whatever party shes into. You can not control what another person does. There is no trust here and never will be. So 90 DAYS. 

Thats what I did... .she contacted with bull___ when I thought Id never here from her again. I got all excited, texted back and then she let me have it between the eyes. Vicious attacks and gloating garbage. She just wanted to know if she still had a hook in me. And as a result I got my wish... .another 8 months of sex, lies, and nasty ego busting devaluation. I would save you from this destiny.  So you want her back? Go 90 days NC and if she doesn't contact you by then send that little text and see what happens... .   who knows... .maybe you will have moved on, worked on your own co-dependent demons and elevated your sense of worth and pride.

It is uncanny how so many have almost identical experiences. You sold me! Thank you sir. 89 days to go!

[downwhim]

On Saturday it will be 90 days. I cannot believe I have done this. Thanks for all your encouragement. It is truly the only way to heal from the gut wrenching pain. So hard at first but then you realize you need to start looking inward. Some pangs at times of that old heart twitter but with 90 more I hope he will be just a memory... .

[dobie]

Count me in 10 days NC so far .

[NYMike]

On Saturday it will be 90 days. I cannot believe I have done this. Thanks for all your encouragement. It is truly the only way to heal from the gut wrenching pain. So hard at first but then you realize you need to start looking inward. Some pangs at times of that old heart twitter but with 90 more I hope he will be just a memory... .

Great Job.I have that ''Gut Wrench Pain'' and hope it goes away soon.

[downwhim]

NYMike,

I am sorry you have that awful pain too. It goes away slowly with N/C. I think it took a few weeks. I just kept telling myself if we had contact it would be even more pain, he would be mean or discount my feelings and certainly had painted me black so why did I want to get back into the ring?

You are strong, you can do this. Give this gift to yourself because only you can make this work. N/C.   

[JRT]

I'm in... .105 days

[Recooperating]

Day 100 of NC today only thing is I did snoop the replacements FB page (not his ironically). So Im signing up for another 100 WITHOUT snooping starting today! I somehow have to fight the urge to wanna know what happening... .It's none of my god damn bussiness anymore anyway thank god.

19th of April will be NC 200. I should be a lot further in recovery!

[NYMike]

NYMike,

I am sorry you have that awful pain too. It goes away slowly with N/C. I think it took a few weeks. I just kept telling myself if we had contact it would be even more pain, he would be mean or discount my feelings and certainly had painted me black so why did I want to get back into the ring?

You are strong, you can do this. Give this gift to yourself because only you can make this work. N/C.   

Thank You.I have 30 days today.This has been so hard on me.I think for me this may take more time to go through the grief.I truly loved her but realize she is disordered and it may have been a ''fantasy'' I fell in love with.

Like you I am painted black and the worst man she ever dated... LMAO.That one hurts a lot because In reality I was the greatest man she ever had.

This is so confusing and gut wrenching.

[FrenchConnection]

I'm starting my 90 day NC since Jan 1.  Lets do this!

I encourage everyone to take this challenge.

[JRT]

NYMike,

I am sorry you have that awful pain too. It goes away slowly with N/C. I think it took a few weeks. I just kept telling myself if we had contact it would be even more pain, he would be mean or discount my feelings and certainly had painted me black so why did I want to get back into the ring?

You are strong, you can do this. Give this gift to yourself because only you can make this work. N/C.   

Thank You.I have 30 days today.This has been so hard on me.I think for me this may take more time to go through the grief.I truly loved her but realize she is disordered and it may have been a ''fantasy'' I fell in love with.

Like you I am painted black and the worst man she ever dated... LMAO.That one hurts a lot because In reality I was the greatest man she ever had.

This is so confusing and gut wrenching.

I hear ya'... .it was weird... .towards the end just before mine had split me and did a disappearing act, she was showering me with compliments. Not just from her own perspective, but telling me about how her family really liked me, her co-workers and friends. How she really liked this and that about me and how I was the best man she had ever been with to the extent that it made me a little bit uncomfortable (she never complimented me). It was almost almost like she was putting a balance sheet together in her mind and reviewing it like assets on an income statement!

[Splitblack4good]

I'm 4 days NC and I'm up for the 90 days by that point I'm hoping I wont want to contact her as we know NC is for us to heal and focus and think about ourselves however I do have a quistion ! A lot say that pwBPD think out of sight is out of mind so if they do not see us or hear from us when we go NC how come they don't sometimes forget about us ? And it encourages them to contact ? I'm staying NC with the strong intention of moving on but why do they chase us as soon as we do this rather than replying when you chase them and fight for them and when we give chase it enables them .

[JRT]

I'm 4 days NC and I'm up for the 90 days by that point I'm hoping I wont want to contact her as we know NC is for us to heal and focus and think about ourselves however I do have a quistion ! A lot say that pwBPD think out of sight is out of mind so if they do not see us or hear from us when we go NC how come they don't sometimes forget about us ? And it encourages them to contact ? I'm staying NC with the strong intention of moving on but why do they chase us as soon as we do this rather than replying when you chase them and fight for them and when we give chase it enables them .

I have the same question... .