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Author Topic: Journal: First 60 Days of Detaching  (Read 753 times)
rickdeckard
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« Reply #30 on: October 28, 2014, 11:28:42 PM »

Ah, ye olde iPhone auto-correct. I more than understand, I use a Windows phone =8^0 . You think the iPhone is bad... .wait till you try the Bill Gatesean version of Jedi mind reading... .

I couldn't agree with you more about validating ourselves through others. This is wrong thinking, a pattern I have had particular problems with in the past. Even my career choice was based on hoe good the title sounded to others. *sigh*

Let us not forget that "relationships" includes more than just romantic ones. The effects of the "people pleaser" mindset can bleed over into every aspect of life.

Compassion for that inner child starts with allowing yourself to admit he/she is deserving of the love not received.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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christoff522
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« Reply #31 on: October 29, 2014, 01:03:17 PM »

Ha guys, no plate is a term i use, and others of my DJ ilk - plate, a girl, you set and balance the plate, spin and keep spinning. Basically, when I first met my BPD girl I was lonely, kind of miserable, religiously obsessed and desperate for someone to understand me. I have to say I WAS codependent. I watched a pretty good explanation of co-dependency that I'm not allowed to link because its on youtube not on a Harvard or something medical website.  Anyway yeah, I went through the months of hell, the months of silent treatment and then the "I have a bf now but I'll try to 'involve' you in my life" rubbish. A few days ago I realised how pathetic this all was and cut all contact.

Anyway, the DJ way is to become a fully integrated self, to set boundaries, to realise that YOU are the prize not the girl. A date is about you weeding out the crazies, the disinterested and the flakes not about you selling yourself etc etc. A relationship should involve you with someone who likes you for you, not a 'soul mate' who ends up being your worst nightmare.

This is the concept of a plate, you spin many plates, you decide who you want, not settling for who will have you. You work constantly on yourself, increase health - mental and physical, your style yourself, you find and build your identity on what you love. You embrace passion and love in healthy ways, you learn to love yourself and don't seek out someone to fill the emptiness, but you compliment what you already have.

When I realised the other day exactly what I was doing to myself by remaining in contact, I realise my own failures, and I realised that I WAS DUMPED. It doesn't matter if she has a personality disorder, I WAS DUMPED. That being said, the game had to end. By hanging on to the BPD thing, I was actually pro-longing the agony, I was hanging on for resolution when I had to realise what she thought about me, she thought I was a loser, she was dangling a bit of bait so she had attention. Now thats been cut off - she's been dumped, and that's how she will feel. Its only been 4 days, and as of yet she expects me to crawl back. When she discovers I won't come back, that I've moved on, that I'm not the same guy I was... I hope she continues on with her pitiful life, knowing she lost the best thing she ever had.

What was it she posted on one of her statuses? "They don't know what they've lost til its too late hahaha"

Yup.

I expect some kind of explosion of contact at some point, but I'll just ignore it. I'm not angry, sad, upset, missing her... I just... .am.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #32 on: October 29, 2014, 02:40:51 PM »

Well it sounds like your in a good place for yourself christoff.

Yeah, it was a hard realization that once it got to a certain point in devaluing a pwBPD no longer respects you unless you treat them like crap.  That's the end of the game as their on out it's nothing but manipulation and trying to make you feel worthless.  There is no winning. There is only walking away.
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christoff522
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« Reply #33 on: October 29, 2014, 04:52:14 PM »

Well it sounds like your in a good place for yourself christoff.

Well as our discussion a week or two showed I had far too much false hope, I was living in a romanticised unreality. About 3 days ago I knew that there was nothing I could do to change things, I could ignore her, and she would ignore me. I could hassle her and she would tell me off and then continue ignoring me. I could be distant and she would ignore me. I could be clingy and she would ignore me. I was an inconvenience, I was a pest, I was annoying. I think what changed things was when she used the word "look" in a punitive way. "Look i'm tired, I've been treated to ice skating and now i'm babysitting". That was when the truth kicked in for me. I literally thought "what the heck am I doing". I realised that nothing I would do would change the circumstances, and that she was thoroughly unworthy of my devotion. There was no anger, slight apprehension, but I knew that it didn't matter what happened now... it was over.

Excerpt
Yeah, it was a hard realization that once it got to a certain point in devaluing a pwBPD no longer respects you unless you treat them like crap.  That's the end of the game as their on out it's nothing but manipulation and trying to make you feel worthless.  There is no winning. There is only walking away.

This nails it exactly. One thing she said to me the other day was that she: "has nothing to lose anymore". Well the funny thing is, neither do I. Its amazing sometimes how a BPD can actually speak their truth which is also mine. The only loss I truly had was the day I met her... the day I lost my sanity. She lost me when she 'discarded' in April, she gave me up. She was NEVER mine. I never needed her, never had a spiritual connection to her. All these things are in fact fabrications of my own (at the time) weak psyche. I was crying out for belonging and connection, and I convinced myself that I had these things with her - I never did.

Like you say there is no winning, because the BPD always changes the rules. You think you're getting a grasp... you're discarded. You think you're getting her back... .she tells you she wants her ex back. She comes to see you at work, messages you after, you think she misses you and wants you back... .she has a new boyfriend. She calls you for help, you help her, think this is a connection... .the next day she shouts at you, tells you she doesn't want to speak anymore >> and so on and so forth forever and ever until you leave this nonsense.

I'm glad of the break from her. I know she'll reach out. But by the time she does I'll be even farther on the path to recovery.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2014, 05:02:09 PM »

Well it sounds like your in a good place for yourself christoff.

Well as our discussion a week or two showed I had far too much false hope, I was living in a romanticised unreality. About 3 days ago I knew that there was nothing I could do to change things, I could ignore her, and she would ignore me. I could hassle her and she would tell me off and then continue ignoring me. I could be distant and she would ignore me. I could be clingy and she would ignore me. I was an inconvenience, I was a pest, I was annoying. I think what changed things was when she used the word "look" in a punitive way. "Look i'm tired, I've been treated to ice skating and now i'm babysitting". That was when the truth kicked in for me. I literally thought "what the heck am I doing". I realised that nothing I would do would change the circumstances, and that she was thoroughly unworthy of my devotion. There was no anger, slight apprehension, but I knew that it didn't matter what happened now... it was over.

Excerpt
Yeah, it was a hard realization that once it got to a certain point in devaluing a pwBPD no longer respects you unless you treat them like crap.  That's the end of the game as their on out it's nothing but manipulation and trying to make you feel worthless.  There is no winning. There is only walking away.

This nails it exactly. One thing she said to me the other day was that she: "has nothing to lose anymore". Well the funny thing is, neither do I. Its amazing sometimes how a BPD can actually speak their truth which is also mine. The only loss I truly had was the day I met her... the day I lost my sanity. She lost me when she 'discarded' in April, she gave me up. She was NEVER mine. I never needed her, never had a spiritual connection to her. All these things are in fact fabrications of my own (at the time) weak psyche. I was crying out for belonging and connection, and I convinced myself that I had these things with her - I never did.

Like you say there is no winning, because the BPD always changes the rules. You think you're getting a grasp... you're discarded. You think you're getting her back... .she tells you she wants her ex back. She comes to see you at work, messages you after, you think she misses you and wants you back... .she has a new boyfriend. She calls you for help, you help her, think this is a connection... .the next day she shouts at you, tells you she doesn't want to speak anymore >> and so on and so forth forever and ever until you leave this nonsense.

I'm glad of the break from her. I know she'll reach out. But by the time she does I'll be even farther on the path to recovery.

Well said... .I hope to realize that myself someday
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« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2014, 05:31:58 PM »

I do think it is possible to one day be friends but that depends where we are in ourselves and if we have done the work to become whole and not have expectations of a long term commited romantic relationship with them. 

The thing is if I focus on that as a goal it keeps me stuck. Letting go is not easy.
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« Reply #36 on: October 29, 2014, 05:43:13 PM »

Everyone is on the right track... .first of all... .go and date your ass off. Get your mojo back... .Ive been doing that 1000 miles away fromh her. Next... .once you start this up... .you will get your own " supply " and as long as you do not hurt anyone and they know you intend to remain single for awhile, its all good. You will be surprised at just how many hotties out there dont want attachments or drama either... and when everyone is on the same playing field there can be no hurt feelings... .and if something changes, its a conversation.

Your BPD ex has no chance, no clue... .she will have a supply of exes and newbies in her bed like clockwork. Get your head out of her life. Get your own life back. Detach, and dont resist. What you resist persists. If she ever comes back... .it wont matter. YOU will NEVER have a normal relationship... .when you decide to get serious with someone again... .  loyalty, trust, companionship, integrity, honesty, empathy are traits you will WANT and you will have with a non. YOU will NEVER have this with a BPD or Npd girl or guy. Never ever ever. They just cant do it. Im not saying ALL of them... .just 99.999999 percent. Or it wouldn't be called a personality disorder, emotional dysfunction, etc etc ad nauseam. 

Be happy... .detach... .90 days... .be free... .never forget the feces they made you eat, then tell them that it tasted good. Never forget.
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« Reply #37 on: October 29, 2014, 05:54:07 PM »

"Be happy... .detach... .90 days... .be free... .never forget the feces they made you eat, then tell them that it tasted good. Never forget"

Split black this made me laugh! 

It is going to take a while before I can look back and see it as a whole, not all good or all bad. It is definately at times easy to excuse the good or the bad though!  I am about day 30 right now 60 more days. One day at a time.
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christoff522
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« Reply #38 on: October 30, 2014, 08:38:18 AM »

Split Black, Deeno, Blimblam, you guys rock!

I'm 4 days in and already she's reached out... she made a song on smule lyrics include:

Excerpt
It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

Excerpt
‘Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

and the funniest verse

Excerpt
So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

‘Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

How can one communicate with someone so up their own arse? Someone so wrapped up in her own reality that she thinks that me trying to talk to her is a 'sirens call' and me taking away her freedom. I called her selfish before and that assessment stands. I don't care if she's BPD or NPD or ASPD or whatever, she is still selfish. I simply cannot blame it on a disorder, she still knows right from wrong. If I say 'oh it's her BPD she can't help it', then how am I ever supposed to move on without feeling guilty? When she's callous, cruel and self-centred and deserves to be treated as such. When I think about the BPDx... I just think its pathetic. I've never been in this position before, I don't post those lyrics in anger, or in hatred... I just post them as an example of how twisted she is.

I agree with her, I need freedom, I have other things to fill my time, and in the valley of her heart - boy is it empty.
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Split black
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« Reply #39 on: October 30, 2014, 11:55:21 PM »

They must be held accountable for stupid relationship sabotaging   destroying things they do. Thats the problem why everyone has such an impossibly difficult time detaching from the addictive components of the relationship. We make up reasons and excuses for them... .give them chances... .but they just are not capable of it. They dont possess normal thinking... .they are in constant survival mode. They will always have back up and will walk away when u need them most. They use... .You are an object of use.  
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christoff522
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« Reply #40 on: October 31, 2014, 05:34:54 AM »

They must be held accountable for stupid relationship sabotaging   destroying things they do. Thats the problem why everyone has such an impossibly difficult time detaching from the addictive components of the relationship. We make up reasons and excuses for them... .give them chances... .but they just are not capable of it. They dont possess normal thinking... .they are in constant survival mode. They will always have back up and will walk away when u need them most. They use... .You are an object of use.  

Exactly, their actions must continue to have consequences - cause must lead to effect. In fact its the best thing for them, because maybe they'll realise "all these people keep leaving me, it must be something I'm doing" and eventually seek therapy. As victims of these people we know the gamut of various emotions we all cycle through, guilt, anxiety, anger, hatred, love, obsession, desperation, happiness, sadness, all these feelings make it difficult to detach, when the BPD cannot be held accountable for any of it we tend to internalize it (I know I did), I felt I was at fault, I was making her life harder, then I would become angry and put the shoe on the other foot, that she's making it hard for me too! I'm not 100% at fault in any of this,

I gave her so many chances I've lost count, chances to be my lover, my friend, even acquaintance and she sucked at all of them. BPD makes a person self-obsessed, they have this stupid idea that the universe revolves around them, that they're oh so important. They sit there every night ruminating, contemplating about how everyone is against them, then they get lonely dweebs to counsel them online or on the phone. Like I said before... pathetic. Object of use. I have ZERO pity for them, I did once, now... nah.
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Mutt
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« Reply #41 on: October 31, 2014, 11:45:08 AM »

I gave her so many chances I've lost count, chances to be my lover, my friend, even acquaintance and she sucked at all of them. BPD makes a person self-obsessed, they have this stupid idea that the universe revolves around them, that they're oh so important.

At the center of this disorder is abandonment trauma, abandonment depression, abandonment fears. A narcissistic injury; their core wound of abandonment. A pwBPD doesn't trust people in the fear of being abandoned, real or perceived. They lack an authentic self; a sense of self and have shame, self loathing. It's not that the universe revolves around them or their importance; they are reliving childhood wounds. I'm sorry christoff522 she caused you much pain after you gave her many chances. She's not self-obsessed, she's too scared to face her pain and dissociates from it.

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tim_tom
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« Reply #42 on: October 31, 2014, 12:10:25 PM »

At the center of this disorder is abandonment trauma, abandonment depression, abandonment fears. A narcissistic injury; their core wound of abandonment. A pwBPD doesn't trust people in the fear of being abandoned, real or perceived. They lack an authentic self; a sense of self and have shame, self loathing. It's not that the universe revolves around them or their importance; they are reliving childhood wounds. I'm sorry christoff522 she caused you much pain after you gave her many chances. She's not self-obsessed, she's too scared to face her pain and dissociates from it.

ehh... in practice they are pretty god darn self centered, pathologically so, id argue
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« Reply #43 on: October 31, 2014, 12:22:59 PM »

pathologically so, id argue

I agree tim_tom in practice, it helps to understand by learning about BPD to depersonalize and become indifferent.

I'd also like to add there's objectification behavior with their neediness when christoff522 articulates that everything revolves around a pwBPD. It hurts. It leaves little room for empathy and awareness of someone else's needs.

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« Reply #44 on: October 31, 2014, 12:38:19 PM »

pathologically so, id argue

I agree tim_tom in practice, it helps to understand by learning about BPD to depersonalize and become indifferent.

I'd also like to add there's objectification behavior with their neediness when christoff522 articulates that everything revolves around a pwBPD. It hurts. It leaves little room for empathy and awareness of someone else's needs.

What needs... .Mine were never met, while all hers were and then some, over and beyond. I treated her like a goddess until I wore myself out and the devaluation began. Then I couldnt do enough, wasnt allowed to do anything and couldnt do anything right. So very hurtful to the point that I still think Im the screwed up one.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #45 on: October 31, 2014, 12:54:37 PM »

I agree tim_tom in practice, it helps to understand by learning about BPD to depersonalize and become indifferent.

I'd also like to add there's objectification behavior with their neediness when christoff522 articulates that everything revolves around a pwBPD. It hurts. It leaves little room for empathy and awareness of someone else's needs.

Sure, but... again, in practice, these are terrible people to be in a relationship with. I can have empathy for their issues while at the same recognizing they do awful things to the people closest to them... it's not mutually exclusive... .

not to equivocate, as obviously there is no comparison, just making an extreme point...   someone who was sexually abused as a child who grows up to be a pedophile would be similar.  I can feel empathy that they went through that as a child, but find their behavior ultimately inexcusable at the same time

i agree learning about BPD is key to understanding a healthy adult relationship with this person just wasn't possible, but sharing common experiences of their behaviors helps as well... misery loves company
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« Reply #46 on: October 31, 2014, 01:16:25 PM »

What needs... .Mine were never met, while all hers were and then some, over and beyond. I treated her like a goddess until I wore myself out and the devaluation began. Then I couldnt do enough, wasnt allowed to do anything and couldnt do anything right. So very hurtful to the point that I still think Im the screwed up one.

Sure, but... again, in practice, these are terrible people to be in a relationship with. I can have empathy for their issues while at the same recognizing they do awful things to the people closest to them... it's not mutually exclusive... .

You ask a good question Deeno02. It is important to look at our behaviors in the relationship. We can ask ourselves why was I accepting the dysfunction of the disordered SO at the expense of my happiness?

I agree tim_tom that a relationship with a pwBPD is very difficult and takes a lot of effort. When we are looking after someone else's needs and sacrificing our own we can become enmeshed. It's not to say every member was enmeshed, some didn't function independently.

A couple can become enmeshed where they don't function independently - such as when one goes into the hospital.  The general thinking, tastes, decision making, happiness all become intertwined and dependent on the other persons feelings.  A little more independence in generally considered healthier in relationships.

Enmeshment on this site refers to the situation when the intertwinement is with a very unhealthy controlling person.  This usually has the effect of getting one partner to accept the dysfunction of the disordered person and having their values, happiness, etc., tied to the other persons self serving impulses.

Skippy

What is the Definition of Enmeshment?

It's also important if you are in NC to work through the lessons and take away what you owned in the relationship.

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christoff522
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« Reply #47 on: November 02, 2014, 06:39:43 PM »

Day 7 of new NC and I get this

"hey how'd your halloween go? Smiling (click to insert in post) xx"

I'm actually taken aback, I specifically told her that our friendship was over, I deleted her number, blocked her on facebook... .deleted her on instagram and so on and so forth...

then she messages!

Anyway, I won't reply, I can't deny that there is a slight temptation, but I've just deleted the text.

Onwards and upwards. I never expected her to reach out so soon!
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parisian
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« Reply #48 on: November 03, 2014, 04:00:20 AM »

I am at the 60 day NC point. It has almost killed me getting here. It was not until I read some of the stories on here and finally woke up realising what had just happened to me. I'd had a break-up and get back together earlier in the year, after unbelievable pain from that, and a letter in which she had said the kindest things she had never said to me before. The pain from that period and the current is not anything I've not experienced with any other relationship ever. Of course nothing changed when we were back together, and I was silly to think that it all would. In fact the first week we were back together, she made me wait at a restaurant by myself, while she finished her beer with her friends at another establishment. And then turned up half an hour drunk, and later screamed at me in public for I still can't remember what. I think it was some very minor difference in opinion.

It took the first two weeks of 'I'd like it if we could be friends', emails and facebook posts for me to finally get the guts up to say NC.

And after I put that in place, there was the sly effort to get me to contact her, after she put a semi valuable item of mine in my locked mailbox, and then asked to let her know I had got it 'safely'. Followed by 'And let me know when you'd like to see me'.

Well of course I got it safely. I now realise that was just an attempt at contact. I was torn. Do I 'be mature' and let her know I received it, or just ignore the contact. I chose the 'be mature' option, and emailed her.

And then a few days later, an 'accidental' email sent to all her friends also went to me for a social event. So of course, I had to be 'mature again' and remind her I had asked for no contact and would appreciate if she could respect that please.

She is high-functioning BPD, and sometimes could be very respectful and polite. So far, apart from the two indiscretions above, there seems to be compliance. Have any others experienced a good level of compliance with NC?

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« Reply #49 on: November 03, 2014, 04:23:05 AM »

I am at the 60 day NC point. It has almost killed me getting here. It was not until I read some of the stories on here and finally woke up realising what had just happened to me. I'd had a break-up and get back together earlier in the year, after unbelievable pain from that, and a letter in which she had said the kindest things she had never said to me before. The pain from that period and the current is not anything I've not experienced with any other relationship ever. Of course nothing changed when we were back together, and I was silly to think that it all would. In fact the first week we were back together, she made me wait at a restaurant by myself, while she finished her beer with her friends at another establishment. And then turned up half an hour drunk, and later screamed at me in public for I still can't remember what. I think it was some very minor difference in opinion.

It took the first two weeks of 'I'd like it if we could be friends', emails and facebook posts for me to finally get the guts up to say NC.

And after I put that in place, there was the sly effort to get me to contact her, after she put a semi valuable item of mine in my locked mailbox, and then asked to let her know I had got it 'safely'. Followed by 'And let me know when you'd like to see me'.

Well of course I got it safely. I now realise that was just an attempt at contact. I was torn. Do I 'be mature' and let her know I received it, or just ignore the contact. I chose the 'be mature' option, and emailed her.

And then a few days later, an 'accidental' email sent to all her friends also went to me for a social event. So of course, I had to be 'mature again' and remind her I had asked for no contact and would appreciate if she could respect that please.

She is high-functioning BPD, and sometimes could be very respectful and polite. So far, apart from the two indiscretions above, there seems to be compliance. Have any others experienced a good level of compliance with NC?

NC is just that. NC. Maintain the willpower.  Dont cave in. Hang tough!
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« Reply #50 on: November 03, 2014, 08:35:44 AM »

I am at the 60 day NC point. It has almost killed me getting here. It was not until I read some of the stories on here and finally woke up realising what had just happened to me. I'd had a break-up and get back together earlier in the year, after unbelievable pain from that, and a letter in which she had said the kindest things she had never said to me before. The pain from that period and the current is not anything I've not experienced with any other relationship ever. Of course nothing changed when we were back together, and I was silly to think that it all would. In fact the first week we were back together, she made me wait at a restaurant by myself, while she finished her beer with her friends at another establishment. And then turned up half an hour drunk, and later screamed at me in public for I still can't remember what. I think it was some very minor difference in opinion.

It took the first two weeks of 'I'd like it if we could be friends', emails and facebook posts for me to finally get the guts up to say NC.

And after I put that in place, there was the sly effort to get me to contact her, after she put a semi valuable item of mine in my locked mailbox, and then asked to let her know I had got it 'safely'. Followed by 'And let me know when you'd like to see me'.

Well of course I got it safely. I now realise that was just an attempt at contact. I was torn. Do I 'be mature' and let her know I received it, or just ignore the contact. I chose the 'be mature' option, and emailed her.

And then a few days later, an 'accidental' email sent to all her friends also went to me for a social event. So of course, I had to be 'mature again' and remind her I had asked for no contact and would appreciate if she could respect that please.

She is high-functioning BPD, and sometimes could be very respectful and polite. So far, apart from the two indiscretions above, there seems to be compliance. Have any others experienced a good level of compliance with NC?

In a normal relationship with a normal woman, expect compliance in NC. However with a BPD you should not expect it. When I went NC I always expected my BPD to reach out, I know this because BPD is mainly based upon insecurity about abandonment, so if you're going to 'abandon' them then they're going to try to stop you from doing that. Until you're fully painted black, forgotten about, and moved on from a BPD will always try to contact you. Sometimes you leaving can make them 'want' you more, even lead to declarations of love. It can lead to all sorts of unusual and sometimes scary behaviour - including threats of homicide or suicide (usually they are just that however)

Don't expect compliance, just continue on. Trust me when I say that nobody here has had good levels of compliance.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #51 on: November 03, 2014, 08:43:19 AM »

Got a text from her 15 year old son last night. He asked me if I had returned the engagement ring yet. Told him that its really not his or his mothers concern what I did/do with the ring. Weird... .What the heck. Total anxiety level increase... .jeez.
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ziniztar
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
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« Reply #52 on: November 03, 2014, 09:17:33 AM »

I have to add that my dBPDxbf was the one to oppose the NC.

In all honesty my fear of abandonment is bigger (or shows in more acting out kind of ways) than his. I think I suffer from 20% what he suffers from and I already hate it.

His feelings of inferiority are much bigger and his biggest issue in therapy. It’s blocking his progress now as he is utterly convinced that anything he undertakes won’t lead to anything good.

I was the one that couldn’t stop texting – even after I pulled the plug out of the r/s. I kept sending daily messages about how bad I felt and how unsure I was about the decision.

After approx. 2 days of calmness he drunk dialed me, left me a VM of 5 minutes telling to stay away from him and that my life will be so much better without him in it.

That he wants me to be happy.

After that VM I responded to him, which lead him to say: “Sorry, shouldn’t have done that. I deleted your phone number.”

I now realize he’s blocked me on virtually every type of media there is. The only way to contact him would be leaving a VM (he’ll probably not listen to them) or stop by.

And he knows I’m not gonna do that.

I wonder though how long it’s going to take until he starts communication again. For now I think it won’t happen for at least a few months.

And then, right when you feel 100% happy about your new life again...

I know he has texted his ex when we starting dating. He’s blocking out all emotions right now and I guess that when time passes by, he’s able to allow them because they’re not as heavy anymore.

Oh well. So, in my case: NC has been opposed by my dBPDxbf. I wonder how long it takes and how I will react once he breaks it.

I am indeed a little stunned that it only took her 7 days to break it.

Keep on going!

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christoff522
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« Reply #53 on: November 03, 2014, 09:20:55 AM »

Got a text from her 15 year old son last night. He asked me if I had returned the engagement ring yet. Told him that its really not his or his mothers concern what I did/do with the ring. Weird... .What the heck. Total anxiety level increase... .jeez.

what the heck, why should you return a ring YOU paid for. From a difference here its obvious what's going on here. She's using him to get to you. Filled his head with junk and using him as a weapon. It's obvious that if you have that ring, you paid for it, its yours. Just keep going NC, add her son to NC now.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #54 on: November 03, 2014, 09:31:07 AM »

Got a text from her 15 year old son last night. He asked me if I had returned the engagement ring yet. Told him that its really not his or his mothers concern what I did/do with the ring. Weird... .What the heck. Total anxiety level increase... .jeez.

what the heck, why should you return a ring YOU paid for. From a difference here its obvious what's going on here. She's using him to get to you. Filled his head with junk and using him as a weapon. It's obvious that if you have that ring, you paid for it, its yours. Just keep going NC, add her son to NC now.

Yeah, unfortunately so. My son and him are friends and she coaches both our sons HS volleyball team as well. Amazing how this affects so many people. Jeez, maybe her new supply isnt working out. Only been 2 months since she dumped me. What a shame... .said no on ever.
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christoff522
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« Reply #55 on: November 03, 2014, 09:37:54 AM »

I have to add that my dBPDxbf was the one to oppose the NC.

In all honesty my fear of abandonment is bigger (or shows in more acting out kind of ways) than his. I think I suffer from 20% what he suffers from and I already hate it.

His feelings of inferiority are much bigger and his biggest issue in therapy. It’s blocking his progress now as he is utterly convinced that anything he undertakes won’t lead to anything good.

I was the one that couldn’t stop texting – even after I pulled the plug out of the r/s. I kept sending daily messages about how bad I felt and how unsure I was about the decision.

After approx. 2 days of calmness he drunk dialed me, left me a VM of 5 minutes telling to stay away from him and that my life will be so much better without him in it.

That he wants me to be happy.

Lol you confused me when you said 'oppose'. Oppose means to be against. Propose is the word you want Smiling (click to insert in post)

Anyway, we've all been there, When my BPD went NC the first time, I did exactly what you did, for like 3 days after I sent her a text everyday, emails the works. Totally a wreck (this was months ago now). Then I went silent for about 3 months then broke NC again. Then went silent again. Then she broke NC the day after my birthday. This typifies a relationship between a non and a BPD. Part of it is testing you to see how interested you are, another part of it is simply fear of intimacy and abandonment. They want you to go, and they don't want you to go. Don't worry, the BPD messed you about, played on your insecurities. Thats why you did that.

Excerpt
After that VM I responded to him, which lead him to say: “Sorry, shouldn’t have done that. I deleted your phone number.”

I now realize he’s blocked me on virtually every type of media there is. The only way to contact him would be leaving a VM (he’ll probably not listen to them) or stop by.

And he knows I’m not gonna do that.

I would suggest not predicting what he knows and doesn't know, most of what he does has no actual relation to us, it's all about them, their feelings, what they want etc they don't think of us like we think of them. imagine them as black holes with a big ecretion disk around them, their lives are that disk, swirling and whirling, and they are the hole. its constant turmoil, constant destruction and creation, all eventually leading into that big hole of nothingness.

Excerpt
I wonder though how long it’s going to take until he starts communication again. For now I think it won’t happen for at least a few months.

You can never know, if you leave it for a while, on any note... at some point they will communicate, usually over holidays, birthdays etc. If you have a life connection then it'll be sooner.

Excerpt
And then, right when you feel 100% happy about your new life again...

I know he has texted his ex when we starting dating. He’s blocking out all emotions right now and I guess that when time passes by, he’s able to allow them because they’re not as heavy anymore.

Very true, things get intense, as time passes the emotions fade for them, every detail becomes apparent. My friend who has BPD, whenever we would recount past life experiences he would remember every detail, sometimes with frightening clarity. My memories are more a jumble and I couldn't really remember the little details, I could remember that we had fun, basically the emotions of it, and a few images. But he remembered EVERYTHING except the emotions.

Excerpt
Oh well. So, in my case: NC has been opposed by my dBPDxbf. I wonder how long it takes and how I will react once he breaks it.

I am indeed a little stunned that it only took her 7 days to break it.

Keep on going!

My experience of it being broken by them is excitement, fluttering in my stomach, and fear over whether or not I will relent and reply. If he does message you and you reply, don't feel too bad, do not kick yourself. It takes time to get over this, but one day you will naturally detach yourself from it.

I think it only took 7 days because I've been just like you, texting and texting and then suddenly i tell her that our friendship is pointless and that i hope that she "lives long and prospers" aha and I don't text for a week, she freaks out. She demoted our relationship to friendship, kept me on a leash as far from her as possible, how would anyone react? The only time she even saw me was when she was drunk off her face, crying rape, and then wants to hump my brains out?

No thanks.

Keep in mind the bad times, they always outweigh the good times.
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christoff522
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Posts: 397


« Reply #56 on: November 03, 2014, 09:39:18 AM »

Got a text from her 15 year old son last night. He asked me if I had returned the engagement ring yet. Told him that its really not his or his mothers concern what I did/do with the ring. Weird... .What the heck. Total anxiety level increase... .jeez.

what the heck, why should you return a ring YOU paid for. From a difference here its obvious what's going on here. She's using him to get to you. Filled his head with junk and using him as a weapon. It's obvious that if you have that ring, you paid for it, its yours. Just keep going NC, add her son to NC now.

Yeah, unfortunately so. My son and him are friends and she coaches both our sons HS volleyball team as well. Amazing how this affects so many people. Jeez, maybe her new supply isnt working out. Only been 2 months since she dumped me. What a shame... .said no on ever.

Thats what it is... .drama for her. Continue to keep your distance, it will at some point reach some equilibrium
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christoff522
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Posts: 397


« Reply #57 on: November 03, 2014, 05:01:27 PM »

Another day, another text.

Not even words from her this time, simply:

Excerpt
? 0_0 x

This is harder than yesterday, simply because I can't seem to comprehend why she doesn't just scroll up on her messages and see what I said 1 week and 1 day ago, also because I've reached the point of no return.

I can predict the next message which will come in 1 or 2 days, something along the lines of "fine, if you don't want to talk to me I give up"

Then comes actual NC, however, I know I can't actually back down now - it will only lead to an argument, and her going NC on me. So either way I have to stay no contact... .Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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christoff522
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« Reply #58 on: November 04, 2014, 05:47:33 PM »

Once again I get a message.

Excerpt
Probably ignoring me x

One message a day. Not zero, not two, not three, always one.

If it was a tirade of messages, I would understand, or an attempt at a phone call. But it's just like at some point in a day, she gets bored for a moment, thinks about how I'm ignoring her, sends a text then carries on with her day.

It's so disappointing. I just wish she would either stay away, or show some investment instead of flitting between the two.

This drives me up the wall, hence no contact.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #59 on: November 05, 2014, 10:12:19 AM »

The problem you will have is when the day comes that she doesn't text, you will feel bad.

Better to block so you just don't know either way
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