Hi family,
I feel very lost and low today and feel compelled to come here - I am not able to talk with this with immediate family just now.
Good! I am glad you are here talking... .it's the best thing... .get it out!
It is my exBPDbirthday today. I am angry at him today. Devastated and angry. A good friend of mine lost his battle to cancer last night. Only 39 years old. The same age as my ex almost. I'm angry that an all round good guy, loyal, caring man dies and my ex doesn't realise, appreciate or utilise the give of life and love that he has given to him on a plate.
Ex will never realize. So you have to STOP and move on.
Do not try to make sense of it. It will NEVER make sense and you will drive yourself to the brink of insanity.
You will never get a genuine apology, confession, nothing.
You have to stop. Realize YOU are still alive and YOU have great things to give to this world... .
And then do it.
Stay away from him. He is like a slow poison.
I am sick - we should have been together for me to make birthdays as lovely as I always have - but he wasn't able to believe in my love, or silence the demons in his head and empty chest - HE ruined everything that could and should have been - so why I am so sad and lost feeling?
I want to contact him and tell him how sad I feel. I won't. I know it will fall on compassionateless ears and an empty, self absorbed heart.
Write it on paper. Not on the computer or smart phone, but write it all down on paper.
Sit in a quiet room or closet, and tell God. Pour it all out to Him.
Do not... .DO NOT waste your time, breath or heart, telling ex.
He doesn't care.
He does not have the ability to care.
It sucks, it hurts, it's not fair... .but it is what it is.
YOU have to think of YOU and get YOU heathly... .so YOU can live!
But I feel cheated - I feel used, I feel abused, I feel angry, I feel scared - life is so short and I gave a chunk of mine to someone that never deserved it but initially fooled me into thinking he did, and then manipulated me into not leaving.
You were cheated.
You were used.
You were abused.
You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry... .just don't let a tiny root of bitterness grab hold of your heart. It will grow, and strangle the life out of you.
Forgive, and let go. Move on.
You got suckered. I got suckered. For 25 years. I lost 25 years... .no... .it took 25 year to learn this lesson.
I will look at those 25 years as 'lesson' time... .so that I never EVER repeat that mistake again.
To look inside of ME and see what do I need to get rid of, to be a better human being.
You got screwed. You got screwed big time. And he gets to walk away smelling like a rose without a care in the world... .
Or so it may seem.
My Faith in God, and His Word, tells me that the ex THINKS he got off 'scott clean'... .
But my God, counts my tears, and saves them.
And my God saw what he did to me.
And my God, my Abba... .He loves me, protects me, and HE and HE ALONE meets out punishment, justice, and vengence.
I just trust Him and His Word.
And I focus on getting ME healthy and ready for this world!
He never deserved me, but I kept on giving. Maybe I'm mad at myself. How did I get so easily fooled?
How do I move on from her, when all I want to do is lie down and cry? :'(
C14 x
BTDT
How could I be so stupid?
How did I not see the signs?
Just how far WAS my head jammed up my arce?
25 years of insidious, calculated abuse.
Rivers are not formed in a day. It starts with a trickle, that makes the groove in the earth, then the trickle becomes a small stream, then etc... .you get where I am going.
Rome wasn't built in a day, and abuse, when applied in tiny doses over time... .then next thing you know WHAMO you are not who you were 25 years ago... .
That's because the abusers goal is to manipulate you so badly, that they 'own' you.
Go see an abuse advocate in your area.
Learn about the abuse cycle, gaslighting, silent treatment, flip the script... .
Your jaw will hit the floor, when the abuse advocate can finish your sentences for you... .and you have only known her for 5 min.
Keep letting it out.
DO NOT hold it inside!