Hi Leelou. I've been wondering how things are going for you. I think
losthero made some very good points and asked you some good questions to help you focus on yourself.
letting go with love is so hard, but I can't get sucked in, it may harm her recovery.
This is so true. It is bitter sweet too because of course we want to help someone in pain. One of the things I tell myself when I want to step in and "help" someone is that I am in essence telling this person they are weak and powerless and that they can not handle things on their own. That helps me to keep my role and their role in the proper focus.
This next part does not necessarily apply to you or to a lot of people here, but it does for me when I look back on certain relationships I have had (so if this does not fit you, just leave it)---> I see my tendency to step in and fix (I am not talking about supporting or validating, but *fixing*) as being very arrogant and controlling. I know that is not exactly self-soothing talk there, but for me it does help when I am feeling so overwhelmed by an urge to step in, it means my urge has more to do with my needs than anything to help the other person. I've been both the fixer and the fixee before. I see the fixer in me as arrogant and when I have been in the fixee role, I have sometimes sensed that arrogance and resented it or I resent being robbed of the opportunity to do something on my own, using my own abilities and resources.
I mention the above to give a different perspective and to outline what helps me to stay detached and firm in my decision to let go. Again, this may not apply to you and it may not work for you. Leelou, regardless, you are doing the right thing for the both of you.
