Distant NC Seems to Work

[Depression = 72% of members]

Extremely strange few days, my sister is not drinking, perfectingly nice.  Really trying hard with counselling.  I want to rush to her and support her success but I know I can't.  Get lots of text messages and I do not reply.  If a major success, like if I had a normal sister, I reply.  Or to be honest if it was one of my friends sharing joy, I would reply.  know I am doing the right thing, she needs to do it on her own, letting go with love is so hard, but I can't get sucked in, it may harm her recovery.  I wish, I hope it continues. NC is the only way, my brain is much more healthy now without the drama.  But it is hard to stop being the "saviour".  Letting go, doing the right thing, giving space it's easy in theory, but you get the tug every so often.  How do you cope?

[Leelou]

Extremely strange few days, my sister is not drinking, perfectingly nice.  Really trying hard with counselling.  I want to rush to her and support her success but I know I can't.  Get lots of text messages and I do not reply.  If a major success, like if I had a normal sister, I reply.  Or to be honest if it was one of my friends sharing joy, I would reply.  know I am doing the right thing, she needs to do it on her own, letting go with love is so hard, but I can't get sucked in, it may harm her recovery.  I wish, I hope it continues. NC is the only way, my brain is much more healthy now without the drama.  But it is hard to stop being the "saviour".  Letting go, doing the right thing, giving space it's easy in theory, but you get the tug every so often.  How do you cope?

[losthero]

There is nothing wrong in taking a much needed time out to take care of your own mental health needs and reenergizing.   Your sister NEEDS you to let her do this on her own for awhile to see that can rely on herself.   You need to worry about yourself for a while.  What are your goals and hopes and dreams?  We tend to lose our own identities when we get sucked into a caregiver role for too long.   Its hard work to put the focus on you for awhile but you are so worth it.   Stay strong and wishing you peace.

[Harri]

Hi Leelou.  I've been wondering how things are going for you.  I think losthero made some very good points and asked you some good questions to help you focus on yourself.

letting go with love is so hard, but I can't get sucked in, it may harm her recovery.

This is so true.  It is bitter sweet too because of course we want to help someone in pain.  One of the things I tell myself when I want to step in and "help" someone is that I am in essence telling this person they are weak and powerless and that they can not handle things on their own.  That helps me to keep my role and their role in the proper focus.  

This next part does not necessarily apply to you or to a lot of people here, but it does for me when I look back on certain relationships I have had (so if this does not fit you, just leave it)--->  I see my tendency to step in and fix (I am not talking about supporting or validating, but *fixing*) as being very arrogant and controlling.  I know that is not exactly self-soothing talk there, but for me it does help when I am feeling so overwhelmed by an urge to step in, it means my urge has more to do with my needs than anything to help the other person.  I've been both the fixer and the fixee before.  I see the fixer in me as arrogant and when I have been in the fixee role, I have sometimes sensed that arrogance and resented it or I resent being robbed of the opportunity to do something on my own, using my own abilities and resources.

I mention the above to give a different perspective and to outline what helps me to stay detached and firm in my decision to let go.  Again, this may not apply to you and it may not work for you.  Leelou, regardless, you are doing the right thing for the both of you.  

 

[HappyChappy]

NC works well for me too. Hang in there LeeLou if it's working for you. Gets easier as time goes on. Just never forget you must look after your own health first, before you can help others. You asked how we cope - I just remember that my BPD mom & bro have never done anything for me, so I owe them nothing. So any attention they get is an act of charity, not an obligation ! All the best for your sis.  

[claudiaduffy]

Get lots of text messages and I do not reply... .but I can't get sucked in, it may harm her recovery. ... .giving space it's easy in theory, but you get the tug every so often.  How do you cope?

One of the ways I cope is by blocking my pwBPD's number and email, so that I can't see what they're sending me. It was difficult at first, because I wanted to know if/how the contact was being attempted, but it's brought me a ton of freedom. Just NOT KNOWING really helps me to get on with my healing.

[Leelou]

Just logged on after some time, my sister is taking (allegedly) the anti alcohol tablets.  I hope I hope!  Thank you for all your support.  Much love