She's threatening suicide

[Depression = 72% of members]

After a good weekend and a decent morning, she started badgering me at work via text message, regarding money.  I told her I had a busy day at work and needed to finish a report, and that we could discuss those issues later.  She then asked if she should call back regarding a nanny job that she turned down the other day, and I told her that the job is close, would be less stress, and the money would help us out.  A few hours later, she messaged me saying how she is too stressed and triggered to take that job, and she resents me pressuring her to take it.  I validated, then she apologized, and I thought things were fine.

A while later she started asking me about the mortgage.  She wanted to call the bank to see if she could re-negotiate.  She called, and they told her basically what they always told me - not an option.  I then explained to her that I wished we could save money there, but it's not an option and we need to look for other ways of earning more money.  Then it went downhill, with her starting the blame, how I don't earn enough, how my family doesn't care, the whole nine yards.  I told her that these were important issues for us to discuss when I got home, but at that moment I needed to concentrate on my job.  She continued to abuse, I ignored, she got madder, then said she was calling off the wedding, how this relationship was a dead end, how the wedding is all my idea, she doesn't want to get married, and then said "It's over".

I then told her that if that was the case, she needs to find another place to stay tonight.

I came home, she was packing her bags, and she was going to a hotel to kill herself.  I tired to get her to stay, to talk, and she was intent on leaving.  Just as she was out the door, her friend showed up, told her that being alone would be a bad choice, and got into the car with her.  Now they are gone.  She is still sending hurtful texts, threatening to kill herself, and I am mostly ignoring, hoping the friend takes her keys and makes sure she is safe.

I'm so scared. 

[maxsterling]

After a good weekend and a decent morning, she started badgering me at work via text message, regarding money.  I told her I had a busy day at work and needed to finish a report, and that we could discuss those issues later.  She then asked if she should call back regarding a nanny job that she turned down the other day, and I told her that the job is close, would be less stress, and the money would help us out.  A few hours later, she messaged me saying how she is too stressed and triggered to take that job, and she resents me pressuring her to take it.  I validated, then she apologized, and I thought things were fine.

A while later she started asking me about the mortgage.  She wanted to call the bank to see if she could re-negotiate.  She called, and they told her basically what they always told me - not an option.  I then explained to her that I wished we could save money there, but it's not an option and we need to look for other ways of earning more money.  Then it went downhill, with her starting the blame, how I don't earn enough, how my family doesn't care, the whole nine yards.  I told her that these were important issues for us to discuss when I got home, but at that moment I needed to concentrate on my job.  She continued to abuse, I ignored, she got madder, then said she was calling off the wedding, how this relationship was a dead end, how the wedding is all my idea, she doesn't want to get married, and then said "It's over".

I then told her that if that was the case, she needs to find another place to stay tonight.

I came home, she was packing her bags, and she was going to a hotel to kill herself.  I tired to get her to stay, to talk, and she was intent on leaving.  Just as she was out the door, her friend showed up, told her that being alone would be a bad choice, and got into the car with her.  Now they are gone.  She is still sending hurtful texts, threatening to kill herself, and I am mostly ignoring, hoping the friend takes her keys and makes sure she is safe.

I'm so scared. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

I am so sorry, Max.  Since the job loss she has really been spinning out of control.  Are you ok?

[nightmoves]

Max -

I am sorry you are in the middle of all this.

Nightmoves

[See Rainbows]

I understand how you're feeling Max. I'm sorry you're going through this. I am going through the same thing with my uBPDh. It's like you're on a emotional roller coaster from hell and you can't get off.  With me, my husband will say hurtful things, I feel because he doesn't want to focus on his own wrongdoings, and maybe to get more of my attention?   This continues until he pushes me away, then once that happens brings up suicide as a last ditch attempt to get me to come back and give him attention again. It really messes with your mind! Hang in there, she has her friend with her so she's not alone. Take some time to relax and know it won't always feel like this. And absolutely don't take any of it personal. Sending an "I love you" text may go along way with her too as it sounds like she's unable to voice that to you right now. It'll also make you feel better too if she starts responding more positively.

[maxsterling]

I talked to out T, who recommended sending her a message asking her to come home, and phrasing it like that.  I did, and that opened things up a bit.  And of course the whole thing is about how she is jealous of her irresponsible single mom friends who leach the system and their families to have children.  Dysfunctional poorly behaved children, while the moms are miserable.  Seems like nothing to be jealous of there.  And then I guess some fight with her dad? 

Part of me hopes she stays out for the night.  But this is one of those times where I need to just shelve my needs for awhile until I know she is safe.  Seems to be half the r/s.  After tonight, may take a long time for *me* to return to baseline. 

It's all BPD - she sits at home stewing about lack of money, wanting a child, jealous of her single mom friends, head racing, and racing more.  I try to suggest she look for part time work (as she promised me she would), and then it all becomes my fault that I am pushing her to work when she feels she can't.  Then it's my fault that I don't earn enough for us to have a child (Not true.  We would have to alter our lifestyle (no more 300$ makeup and cut back on eating out), but I know plenty of people who have families on my salary.  And if one or the other of us could get part time work or just a few hundred a month extra income for a year and finish paying off a few debts, we'd be fine.  She just can't see it that way.  Can't see first step needed to solve a problem.

[maxsterling]

well, she came back with a friend, seemed better.  But, the minutes the friend left, she wanted to talk about the same stuff again.  I did, but the minute she started with the blame again, I told her NO MORE, that we can talk tomorrow, that I needed to go to bed.  At that point she said she was going to a hotel to commit suicide, so I called 911.  I didn't know what else to do.  She sped away, the cops pulled her over, and now I don't know what h append but she is sending me a stream of angry text messages.

I thought the police would follow up with me?  I just didn't know what else to do... .

[vortex of confusion]

I thought the police would follow up with me?  I just didn't know what else to do... .

It depends on what happened. You may need to call the non-emergency number for your local police and see if you can find out what happened. Tell them the story and see if they can tell you whether or not she was taken to a hospital, jail, or let go. Depending on what she has said to them, you may not be able to find out much more than whether or not she is safe. IF they didn't pick her up, let them know about the angry texts. Let them know that you feel like she is a danger to herself. You may need to be persistent.

[maxsterling]

I thought the police would follow up with me?  I just didn't know what else to do... .

It depends on what happened. You may need to call the non-emergency number for your local police and see if you can find out what happened. Tell them the story and see if they can tell you whether or not she was taken to a hospital, jail, or let go. Depending on what she has said to them, you may not be able to find out much more than whether or not she is safe. IF they didn't pick her up, let them know about the angry texts. Let them know that you feel like she is a danger to herself. You may need to be persistent.

I did my best to let them know.  She then sent a barrage of messages blaming me for this and that and forcing her to sleep in a parking lot.  I then left, told her she could sleep at home, and I will get a hotel.  And that is where I am now.  I really need sleep.

[vortex of confusion]

I did my best to let them know.  She then sent a barrage of messages blaming me for this and that and forcing her to sleep in a parking lot.  I then left, told her she could sleep at home, and I will get a hotel.  And that is where I am now.  I really need sleep.

If you need to know that she is okay before you can sleep, ask the police to do a welfare check on her.

Sending you a great big hug   I hope you can get some sleep. Turn everything over to the police and then turn off your phone.

[Crumbling]

Hi, Max.

Your patience is incredible.  Your strength is encouraging.  Your are such a gift to this lady.  I pray that she recognizes that.  I hope you've gotten some sleep.  What a tough time you are in.

You were really smart to talk to her T.  You can validate your actions with her now - "I've done what the T said was best."  Good back up.  And I think you did the right thing in calling 911.  Someone did that to me a long time ago when I was convinced suicide was the only way out.  After I got over the shock and disgust that he called the police, (I wouldn't talk to him for a very long time after that) it made me realize how serious things had gotten.  I ended up in a hospital on suicide watch for a week or so.  It didn't make me want to live, but it sure made me stop wanting to die, because I did not want to go there again, and it made me appreciate being free.  I'm no expert in all of this, but in my opinion, you did the right thing.  And it was brave of you to do so.

Keep sharing Max, we are all sending you support and good intentions.

[maxsterling]

I got a few hours sleep.  I needed it, but was hoping for much more.  I'm thinking of taking a sick day from work.  I just feel weird now, wondering if I made the right decision, missing her, but also just glad for the peace and quiet, and extremely anxious that the peace will end and I will have to deal with this.  I don't feel safe with myself dealing with what I dealt with last night.  I don't know what I want or need right now other than a break. 

I'm sot sure what to do next.  I'm thinking of sending her a text message in a few hours and let her know that i won't be coming home between the hotel and work.  And then just go from there based on what her reaction is?  I wish the quiet of right now could last forever.

[Crumbling]

If you text her, (which I guess you may have done already),

Will you be able to work if she doesn't text back?

Will you be able to work if she does?

Quiet is where the still voice of reason lives.  Take what you need, Max.  Recognizing you need a break is enough.  Knowing what you can and cannot shoulder is also a good thing.  Her emotions have put her where she is, and you have done what you can to help her.

I'm glad to see you are thinking about your needs and not hers.

[maxsterling]

If you text her, (which I guess you may have done already),

Will you be able to work if she doesn't text back?

Will you be able to work if she does?

1) Not yet.  My anxiety is way too high.

2)  Don't know.  Not effectively if I do, though.

3)  Depends on what she says.  I wasn't able to work very well yesterday.

[Crumbling]

Have you eaten?  Are you looking after you?

[Crumbling]

If you text her, (which I guess you may have done already),

Will you be able to work if she doesn't text back?

Will you be able to work if she does?

1) Not yet.  My anxiety is way too high.

2)  Don't know.  Not effectively if I do, though.

3)  Depends on what she says.  I wasn't able to work very well yesterday.

So in other words, if you text her, her words will dictate your day.  Is that what is best for you?

I'm sure you want to know how she is, but if you don't know, you can keep a bit of distance from the situation. 

That being said, it would feel wrong for me if I didn't say something to her, after the night you both just had.  Could you text her your support and explanation then shut off the phone so you are not on pins and needles wondering what is going to happen next?

[maxsterling]

I told her I would not be home between the hotel and work, and that I hoped she was okay.  I didn't hear back for an hour, so I messaged her friend, who told me she was on the phone with her.  So she is okay.

[Crumbling]

Good, she's okay.  Now you know.

You've been through a lot.  Be good to yourself today, Max.

Hugs and best wishes, C. 

[Fatherwith2girls]

Hey, You sound EXACTLY like I did right after I got married. I've been married now 8 years and it has been rough. If I could go back I'd leave and be single for a while. It wasn't worth the emotional abuse, losing friends, dealing with drama and having family issues. We have 2 beautiful kids and they are a lot of what keeps us together for now. I think I'd be asking myself if I want to deal with this type of behavior for the long term.  My wife has only very recently slowed down the drama and started to look at her own behavior. It is more peaceful, but after a 10 year relationship I'm worn out.  I commend you on your dedication, but if you are like me it will wear thin to the point that you want your OWN life.

[Indyan]

I'm impressed with the way you enforce your boundaries.

Last July when BPD demanded in a rage that the kids and I go to sleep at a hotel.

The next day, he was still in a foul mood, so I decided to go to the police station to declare the abusive behaviour. A short while later, a patrol was sent to our house and the policemen told BPD he should leave "if he wasn't happy", not the kids and I.

He resented me a lot for this... .I know that we feel trapped between reinforcing our boundaries (or in your case, assuring her safety) and showing our love and trust... .I mean we feel like we're betraying them in a way.

But it's their extreme behaviour that's the cause of all this, it's not OUR fault.

Take care 

[formflier]

 

Max,

I think you were smart to involve the T.  Suicide threats are a big deal.  Professional level stuff.  Do you think you can get her in to see her T?

My gut says this needs to be addressed professionally... .so that you can tell her... .and your own conscience... .that you are doing the best you can... .by following the advice of professionals.

Thoughts?

[maxen]

hi max. how are you doing?

i agree with everyone, you did well by calling the T, and the police too. and this friend, who is she?

[KateCat]

I wonder if the therapist can use this particular crisis to help you and your fiancée develop a safety plan for any future events of the same type. (To plan out a mutually agreed protocol now, before the wedding, might be a powerful sign of mutual understanding between two people about to join their lives.)

Add my voice to those who feel you've handled the present events very well.

[maxsterling]

My gut says this needs to be addressed professionally... .so that you can tell her... .and your own conscience... .that you are doing the best you can... .by following the advice of professionals.

That's what I told her last night.  That once it gets to the level of suicide threats, I do not have the training to help her, and if she is making suicide threats I have no choice but to call for some help.  And considering she said she was going to leave the house and kill herself, and she was in the process of leaving the house - to me that means she wasn't just making a statement, she was either carrying out the first part of a plan, or trying to manipulate - very bad either way.  I don't regret calling the police - I didn't know what else to do.

She seems to be in a better mood now.  Wants to re-invite her dad to lunch.  To me that says she has re-evaluated her behavior.  I still don't want to talk about it tonight.  After last night, it's just too volatile, and I can't risk that happening again.

[maxsterling]

hi max. how are you doing?

i agree with everyone, you did well by calling the T, and the police too. and this friend, who is she?

The friend who was with her last night is an AA friend.  And the friend whom I chatted with this morning is a long time best friend who lives in another state, also from a 12-step program.  People who know her well and have a better understanding of how her mind works.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really glad you have a support system in place, max.

Her Therapist, 2 good friends, and her Dad (possibly?) to support the both of you.

Has she by any chance talked to her T today? Will she maybe do that tomorrow? I don't blame you for wanting tonight to be less volatile; you both need a break from the trauma of last night and earlier today, etc.

I agree that you had to call the police and her T, and I hope she gets to the place where she realizes this will need to be addressed with professionals. You have my prayers, for both of you... .

[maxsterling]

Thanks for the support, everyone.  I don't know if she talked to her T or not today.  I hope so - ultimately she needs that.  She has an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, and Thursday is group therapy, and Thursday night a friend comes from out of town to stay with us for awhile.  That will help.

the out of town friend I talked to this morning told me she was going to call the police last night, too, and that I did the right thing.  It helps to hear people tell me that I handled things okay. 

[maric]

Oh Max! My heart and thoughts go for you. I'm very sorry for all you have been through. Do you have a friend or someone from your family to stay with you too, so you can talk things over also? I think you might need some help, too... .  we're not that strong, sometimes.

I'm amazed by how great you have dealt with everything. Please take care of yourself.

[formflier]

 

Solid work Max!

Is the T that she has an appointment with tomorrow the same one that you talked to on the phone?

I would make sure that T has all the information that you have.

Hang tough dude... .you are showing what you are made of... .I'm proud of you.

[Grey Kitty]

   My heart goes out to you max, and your partner.

You are right to take the suicide threats seriously like you did, and involve professionals.

Hang in there and try to take care of yourself!

[maxsterling]

Well she came home last night from an AA meeting, and gave ma a big hug.  A good sign, and that immediately dropped my heart rate in half knowing I would likely not be dealing with the rage and suicide threats again.  My main focus now is on making sure she understands that what happened the other night is a very bad thing, and that she needs help, and that she needs to focus on getting help.  She's safe for now, now let the professionals deal with it.  She did call her IC yesterday, and our MC.  Those are good signs.  She did discuss the possibility of hospitalization with her IC, and apparently they decided that some kind of intensive OP would be better right now.