Feel dead inside

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

[Deeno02]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

Listen man i know the place that youre in because it is a stage all of us have been through when faced with healing with a BPD. Im really sorry youre going through this my heart really goes out to you.

But look at it this way yes you get therapy and that is one of the most amazing opportunities you can have in this life! Its an excellent tool to help aid in the process of fixing the broken and piecing it back together to become whole as we were created to divinely be. Youll learn to truly be able to keep a functioning relationship unlike her who sabotages everyone she has and will ever have... leaving her perpetually as lonely and empty as she tries to avoid to be by using an external source to fix an internal problem. The two reasons for this are simple she doesnt know self love or achieve happiness because both of those come from within after we learn to become one in ourselves.

You have the opportunity to not only have healthy relationships... but get this... they wont be such a big deal or focus anymore due to unlocking the two points i stated within. Relationships will be an extra added pursuit to not have to achieve but instead enhance the happiness youre already finding in you!

[Deeno02]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

Listen man i know the place that youre in because it is a stage all of us have been through when faced with healing with a BPD. Im really sorry youre going through this my heart really goes out to you.

But look at it this way yes you get therapy and that is one of the most amazing opportunities you can have in this life! Its an excellent tool to help aid in the process of fixing the broken and piecing it back together to become whole as we were created to divinely be. Youll learn to truly be able to keep a functioning relationship unlike her who sabotages everyone she has and will ever have... leaving her perpetually as lonely and empty as she tries to avoid to be by using an external source to fix an internal problem. The two reasons for this are simple she doesnt know self love or achieve happiness because both of those come from within after we learn to become one in ourselves.

You have the opportunity to not only have healthy relationships... but get this... they wont be such a big deal or focus anymore due to unlocking the two points i stated within. Relationships will be an extra added pursuit to not have to achieve but instead enhance the happiness youre already finding in you!

Thanks CG. Deep down I know this, but cant accept it. I dont know why I cant accept it. Im trying to come to terms with not existing in her life, how 16 months of plans, dreams just came and went. How the impact we had on each others children, gone. How I was replaced in days and she moves along in a new relationship like I didnt even exist and Im picking up the pieces. Im not perfect but I loved her with all that I was capable of loving her with, and its gone. I think of all the bad times now that Im removed from the r/s, how I was gradually shut out of her life, how I was not included much in her life, how she had know interest in mine. I see it all now, but Im hung up on the fact that I meant nothing at all to her. I was a rebound and once things started looking up for her again, confidence regained, Im finally put to pasture. I dont know. Just makes me so damn cold.

[peiper]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

Listen man i know the place that youre in because it is a stage all of us have been through when faced with healing with a BPD. Im really sorry youre going through this my heart really goes out to you.

But look at it this way yes you get therapy and that is one of the most amazing opportunities you can have in this life! Its an excellent tool to help aid in the process of fixing the broken and piecing it back together to become whole as we were created to divinely be. Youll learn to truly be able to keep a functioning relationship unlike her who sabotages everyone she has and will ever have... leaving her perpetually as lonely and empty as she tries to avoid to be by using an external source to fix an internal problem. The two reasons for this are simple she doesnt know self love or achieve happiness because both of those come from within after we learn to become one in ourselves.

You have the opportunity to not only have healthy relationships... but get this... they wont be such a big deal or focus anymore due to unlocking the two points i stated within. Relationships will be an extra added pursuit to not have to achieve but instead enhance the happiness youre already finding in you!

Spot on !

[going places]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

Feel dead? Yes

Are dead? No way. As long as you have breath in your lungs... .you have a chance!

Depressed? Yes. What you have described is depression.

Find something, one thing, that you love... .and start there.

((IE: I love the weather in the south. SO I started looking for a new home, in the south... .etc.))

She is not right. The devil just wants you to THINK she was right to keep you depressed.

You are in the thick of the hard part... .there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train. I promise!

Just keep moving. Don't stop. Keep moving forward.

[Artisan]

Yes, that is how I have felt for most of the last year.

Give yourself time and do what you used to love doing that you enjoyed, even if not feeling like it or feeling anything from it.

It'll come back.

[clydegriffith]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

Don't worry dude. Just keep your head up and keep going to therapy. There will be other women but you can't get them unless you go out there and get them!  What you had wasn't real. What you think was love is what she does to every guy she suckers in. The sooner you realize that the better. 

It took her moving 8 hours away and almost a year for me to truly heal but i'm back to being me. The way i was before i met her but now have this huge life lesson that i will forever carry and that's not a bad thing. Two years of hell is better than a lifetime of it.   

[Deeno02]

I just feel so damn dead inside. No love for anything or anyone. Just numb. Uncaring, unfeeling... dead. Not sure why. Just am. This r/s killed me. She gets to have someone again, I get nothing. Just therapy. That's it. No one to love or be loved by. Nothing. Unwanted, unloved, not needed, unlovable, not capable to love anymore. Nothing. She was right.

Don't worry dude. Just keep your head up and keep going to therapy. There will be other women but you can't get them unless you go out there and get them!  What you had wasn't real. What you think was love is what she does to every guy she suckers in. The sooner you realize that the better. 

It took her moving 8 hours away and almost a year for me to truly heal but i'm back to being me. The way i was before i met her but now have this huge life lesson that i will forever carry and that's not a bad thing. Two years of hell is better than a lifetime of it.   

I fear the recycling. I was the first after her separation/divorce, ex husband issues and death of her mother. Afraid that when crap goes bad, I'll be the target. Unfortunately she coaches my sons volleyball team and her son and mine are friends. Doing my best to remain nc, but live in fear she will return.

[Artisan]

Move.

Get your son out of her sphere of influence, it will only be trouble. She will smear you to him, and triangulate with him, just to F' with you.

Don't fear recycling if you are committed to not going back ; b/c you won't recycle.

[Caredverymuch]

Move.

Get your son out of her sphere of influence, it will only be trouble. She will smear you to him, and triangulate with him, just to F' with you.

Don't fear recycling if you are committed to not going back ; b/c you won't recycle.

I back this up.  It will be trouble.  Try to remove yourself and your son.  Please know the family here on this board is supporting detachment and self protection to regain emotional health and healing.  We learn from each others experience and support.

I had children in the mix as well w my expBPD, very similar to your situation.  I cannot outline specifics to protect identity, but it was an unavoidable issue in which I could in no way avoid bc of my children. Now, retrospectively, I would have put all my efforts in removing my children and my exposure to him. It would have protected me. And my children immensely.

I was in the very same place as you are in trying to understand. Missing. Lack of closure. Incredible confusion. Incredible heartache.  Devastated.

I was hurting so much during my re-exposure to him via my childrens' activity. I could have written your very words at the time. Why I so understand how you feel, as do so very many here Deeno.

I did nothing to prepare, bc I had no knowledge of BPD at the time or what was to come. How could I prepare?  I was just heartbroken at the very real loss of someone I cared a great deal for. All my effort,at that time, was on trying to calm my heartache, my overwhelming grief, and trying to just get through the day until it was time to lay my head down at night.

Mourning very deeply.

So when I had to show up at the same place as my ex bc of my children, he shared a great deal of pride in the triangulation dynamic with is partner. No shame what so ever in being larger than life in front of me and my children. By either of them.

Here I was crying on my end, like you,  preparing my heart to be strong for a bit.  To prepare to see the person I very much loved who abandoned me and to remain strong for my children. To just be there.

A MASSIVE distortion campaign was carried out by both of them about me to all around the situation. To all. Many bought it. The distortion of my entire character. Which was a projection of exactly what my ex did to me. I was alienated and talked about and dropped and avoided.

This was a massive, orchestrated proximal attack. Over time. This was like a boot kick to my face and an open sieved pour of rock salt into my bleeding heart. I still cannot believe the juxtaposition in how I was preparing my heart to see him while this was my prepared wake.

I was in such of place of trauma from my ex abandoning me that I could not even process all of this. I was beyond numb at the time. Not sleeping, crying, not eating etc. A part of me thought that the opportunity to be in close proximity might bring some degree of recognition of my very real emotions of missing him. Of much involving family and children. An act of caring and maturity. Ownership. Something to heal.

Not reality.

The only effort on his part was as the Detached Protector mode and to illicit a distortion campaign which was harsh, constant, and incredibly hurtful to me as well as to my children.

[Deeno02]

Move.

Get your son out of her sphere of influence, it will only be trouble. She will smear you to him, and triangulate with him, just to F' with you.

Don't fear recycling if you are committed to not going back ; b/c you won't recycle.

Thanks folks. I cant move. Thats out of the question.  However, my involvement will be minimal due to the fact that i plan to arrive while the game is going, her attension pointed elsewhere,  and having my ex wife handle the after game stuff while i leave. My son drives, so i dont have to pick him up. As far as a smear campaign?  Not worried there either. I am me. I havent changed one bit since last season. As far as what she tells them? She shouldnt say a thing, unless she wants to be fired from school for being unprofessional. Shes not a teacher, shes contract. She CAN be let go. I plan zero contact with her. None. Final note. I still have months to go before that season begins, and when it does, she is going to see a whole new me. 7 weeks now since b/u and 25 days n/c and havent seen or heard from her. Still in honeymoon phase with bald guy college buddy replacement, so pretty safe so far. Except shes been walking her dog past my house, according to my neighbors. I think im switching to anger phase and its refreshing.

I back this up.  It will be trouble.  Try to remove yourself and your son.  Please know the family here on this board is supporting detachment and self protection to regain emotional health and healing.  We learn from each others experience and support.

I had children in the mix as well w my expBPD, very similar to your situation.  I cannot outline specifics to protect identity, but it was an unavoidable issue in which I could in no way avoid bc of my children. Now, retrospectively, I would have put all my efforts in removing my children and my exposure to him. It would have protected me. And my children immensely.

I was in the very same place as you are in trying to understand. Missing. Lack of closure. Incredible confusion. Incredible heartache.  Devastated.

I was hurting so much during my re-exposure to him via my childrens' activity. I could have written your very words at the time. Why I so understand how you feel, as do so very many here Deeno.

I did nothing to prepare, bc I had no knowledge of BPD at the time or what was to come. How could I prepare?  I was just heartbroken at the very real loss of someone I cared a great deal for. All my effort,at that time, was on trying to calm my heartache, my overwhelming grief, and trying to just get through the day until it was time to lay my head down at night.

Mourning very deeply.

So when I had to show up at the same place as my ex bc of my children, he shared a great deal of pride in the triangulation dynamic with is partner. No shame what so ever in being larger than life in front of me and my children. By either of them.

Here I was crying on my end, like you,  preparing my heart to be strong for a bit.  To prepare to see the person I very much loved who abandoned me and to remain strong for my children. To just be there.

A MASSIVE distortion campaign was carried out by both of them about me to all around the situation. To all. Many bought it. The distortion of my entire character. Which was a projection of exactly what my ex did to me. I was alienated and talked about and dropped and avoided.

This was a massive, orchestrated proximal attack. Over time. This was like a boot kick to my face and an open sieved pour of rock salt into my bleeding heart. I still cannot believe the juxtaposition in how I was preparing my heart to see him while this was my prepared wake.

I was in such of place of trauma from my ex abandoning me that I could not even process all of this. I was beyond numb at the time. Not sleeping, crying, not eating etc. A part of me thought that the opportunity to be in close proximity might bring some degree of recognition of my very real emotions of missing him. Of much involving family and children. An act of caring and maturity. Ownership. Something to heal.

Not reality.

The only effort on his part was as the Detached Protector mode and to illicit a distortion campaign which was harsh, constant, and incredibly hurtful to me as well as to my children.

[myself]

What does your therapist say about your feelings and how to handle them? This would be great stuff to talk about with a T. I understand your nervousness at seeing your ex but there's nothing to fear as far as being recycled. You don't have to do it. Don't even have to talk with her, if she ever approaches. As you said, that's still down the road a ways, and you should be stronger and better able to deal with whatever comes up by them. Make it a goal, follow through, and be proud, not fearful. You can do it!