Questions

[nvrgivup]

I've been on other boards:divorce, custody, co-parenting after the split and it has been a big help... .but as time is moving on and I'm still involved in this unbelieveable situation I am wondering how I can help myself when I fall into the dangerous thought processes of "I wasn't patient enough", "I shouldn't have gotten so angry... .that's what got me into this mess" etc.  I've been definitively told by two psych phd's that my husband is the one with the problem (narcissism and some type of childhood trauma that has triggered all kinds of strange behavior) and yet I beat myself up at times in my own mind because now I'm dealing with him alienating me from my son as well as contentious divorce tactics.  How do you help yourself to become strong in the knowledge that your partner has the major problem when his controlling behaviors seem to manipulate the immediate circumstance hugely in his favor? My situation is nowhere near over and nothing is happening to make it obvious to our children or his family that he is the one with the problem.

[Mutt]

Hi nvrgivup,



Divorcing a pwBPD is likely one of the most difficult things to go through. I'm sorry.

Maybe your H's family is scared of him? Maybe they bury their heads in the sand? They could be just as dysfunctional. What's the back story on him and his family?

[nvrgivup]

I believe there is a combination of burying heads in sand as well as dysfunctional family dynamics from day one.  My husband and his sister have always said... "we've parented our parents always", "we could never depend on our parents", "we raised ourselves".  When these things were said in conversation over the years I had no idea what it really meant in terms of the potential for emotional scarring that this type of upbringing could produce.  Most especially, my mother-in-law is a very controlling, negative, passive aggressive person and that's just touching the surface.  Of course now that I'm the scapegoat/target of his(BPDhusb) wrath I am questioning why I didn't see things sooner but we are currently separated after 21 years of marriage and 17-18 of those years were not a problem.  We truly got along well.  We started to majorly disagree about the care and upbringing of our son for various reasons and all went downhill from there.  I am being told by professional counselors that probably my son's age (he's now 17) has had something to do with triggering my husb in some way.  He protects our son from any consequences and has gone to the extreme in the recent past of turning a blind eye to drugs, alcohol, disregard for a state mandated driving curfew, etc.  He's decided that "I married a nut", meaning me, when I started speaking up louder and louder about these things and now is saying he's so sorry but there's no alternative but to divorce me for his sanity and the children's (we also have a 19yr old daughter who sees some of what's going on but does struggle with wanting to believe some of what her father is saying). So... .that's my story in a nutshell.

[Mutt]

Your H and his sister were parentified and it is common with children of parents w/BPD. You can read accounts on the Healing board.

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification

He protects our son from any consequences and has gone to the extreme in the recent past of turning a blind eye to drugs, alcohol, disregard for a state mandated driving curfew, etc.  

In the context of the disorder. Your H is overvaluing your son and not seeing the drugs, alcohol and disregard of state mandated curfews. A owBPD have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life. You are either undervalued or undervalued. This is a BPD behavior, splitting.

I have read accounts of members where the SO lived a normal life for many years and a life event triggered BPD. I'm sorry for what you have been put through.

[nvrgivup]

You've hit the nail on the head.  Thank-you. Thank-you also for the link.

[Mutt]

You've hit the nail on the head.  Thank-you. Thank-you also for the link.

You're welcome.

[going places]

I've been on other boards:divorce, custody, co-parenting after the split and it has been a big help... .but as time is moving on and I'm still involved in this unbelieveable situation I am wondering how I can help myself when I fall into the dangerous thought processes of "I wasn't patient enough", "I shouldn't have gotten so angry... .that's what got me into this mess" etc.

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Understand what has been 'done' to you to make you think this way.

You have been 'conditioned' to think and react this way. You need to re-wire your brain to think in a healthy way.

It's a process... .but it can be done!

I've been definitively told by two psych phd's that my husband is the one with the problem (narcissism and some type of childhood trauma that has triggered all kinds of strange behavior) and yet I beat myself up at times in my own mind because now I'm dealing with him alienating me from my son as well as contentious divorce tactics.

The sooner you put ALL your focus on YOU and your child and off of your ex... .the better you will be.

Do not focus on 'why he does what he does' focus on how you can become a healthy person; a strong healthy person for your son to see!

How do you help yourself to become strong in the knowledge that your partner has the major problem when his controlling behaviors seem to manipulate the immediate circumstance hugely in his favor? My situation is nowhere near over and nothing is happening to make it obvious to our children or his family that he is the one with the problem.

My ex does the same thing. His family thinks everything EVERYTHING is my fault. And that drove me to the brink of insanity, trying to prove that it was NOT ME... .

Finally I said: I don't care what they think. I MUST take care of me... .

And I let them go.

I simply don't care what they think.

IMHO, GOD sees. And HE knows the truth. And that's all that matters to me.

My kids (all adults now) can 'see' what their dad is doing. It took a while for him to 'drop his mask' and show his real self... .but he did... .and the kids see. I didn't have to (and didn't) say a word.

For your own sanity don't try to defend yourself (on petty things) or try to "make it make sense".

You will go insane.

Do everything in your power to stop focusing on him and his dysfunction; and spend all your energy on getting you healthy and providing your child with a healthy environment.

[nvrgivup]

Thank-you "Going places".  I hear you loud and clear. I'm aware of the gaslighting but still struggle with why he's doing it.  I am also very upset with his family's lack of support or acknowledgement that he's doing and saying crazy things.  I just recently read a term called "persuasive blaming" while reading about BPD and that is what he is doing. You are absolutely correct that I need to concentrate on me and stop all this rehashing, trying to convince others, etc. I will work on it moving forward.