I've been on other boards:divorce, custody, co-parenting after the split and it has been a big help... .but as time is moving on and I'm still involved in this unbelieveable situation I am wondering how I can help myself when I fall into the dangerous thought processes of "I wasn't patient enough", "I shouldn't have gotten so angry... .that's what got me into this mess" etc.
www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/Understand what has been 'done' to you to make you think this way.
You have been 'conditioned' to think and react this way. You need to re-wire your brain to think in a healthy way.
It's a process... .but it can be done!
I've been definitively told by two psych phd's that my husband is the one with the problem (narcissism and some type of childhood trauma that has triggered all kinds of strange behavior) and yet I beat myself up at times in my own mind because now I'm dealing with him alienating me from my son as well as contentious divorce tactics.
The sooner you put ALL your focus on YOU and your child and off of your ex... .the better you will be.
Do not focus on 'why he does what he does' focus on how you can become a healthy person; a strong healthy person for your son to see!
How do you help yourself to become strong in the knowledge that your partner has the major problem when his controlling behaviors seem to manipulate the immediate circumstance hugely in his favor? My situation is nowhere near over and nothing is happening to make it obvious to our children or his family that he is the one with the problem.
My ex does the same thing. His family thinks everything EVERYTHING is my fault. And that drove me to the brink of insanity, trying to prove that it was NOT ME... .
Finally I said: I don't care what they think. I MUST take care of me... .
And I let them go.
I simply don't care what they think.
IMHO, GOD sees. And HE knows the truth. And that's all that matters to me.
My kids (all adults now) can 'see' what their dad is doing. It took a while for him to 'drop his mask' and show his real self... .but he did... .and the kids see. I didn't have to (and didn't) say a word.
For your own sanity don't try to defend yourself (on petty things) or try to "make it make sense".
You will go insane.
Do everything in your power to stop focusing on him and his dysfunction; and spend all your energy on getting you healthy and providing your child with a healthy environment.
