Forgiveness

[Samuel S.]

I had an appointment with my therapist today. We discussed in large part how to deal with forgiveness on my part when dealing with my BPDw. She was able to convince me that my BPDw has a different way of apologizing. She will probably never say "I am sorry"; however, when she prepares meals for us, when she asks about my day, these are ways that she is able to apologize. I said to my therapist that this is a good way to look at it, because I cannot expect my BPDw to say those powerful words.

I asked my therapist about if or when that my BPDw is verbally abusive. My therapist put her hand up, and she said to me that I tell her that I feel bad when she says those hurtful words and that she stops.

While the apologies by my BPDw sound good, telling my BPDw to stop is going to take a lot of nerve on my part to do. Yet, like my therapist said, if I don't say something, she will continue.

My therapist also asked me what forgiveness looks like, for which I explained not having to walk on eggshells, to be able to trust my BPDw again, and to be happier. While this is the ideal and while my BPDw has not been verbally abusive for the last 3 weeks or so, I don't want her to be verbally abusive, but even my therapist said that she is going to get in a rageful state.

Perhaps, these words by my therapist can be helpful for all of us when having to deal with a BPD.

[maxen]

hi Samuel S. those with BPD do have difficulty acknowledging their responsibility. it is painful on such a deep level to acknowledge error (as i discovered in my marriage). i think your therapist is right, these other gestures are a way of making things up to you. it is difficult to accept, it's not exactly validating to us, but you will have shown great heart if you can accept that these are the ways she can say "i'm sorry."

have you thought of how you'll speak to your wife? have you imagined the scene in your head?

[Samuel S.]

Maxen, thank you for your feedback. With the reflections and the journaling I have been doing, I realized that there was a pattern in my BPDw's way of thanking me. She learned this technique from her mother who was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Her mother has not apologized, either. Her mother gives gifts of food to her family, instead.

As for how to speak with her when she becomes verbally abusive, I will do my best to just say stop and raise my hand in front of me as a visual reminder to her to stop. I say I will do my best, because I have been deflated so much by her and so often. In fact, just the other day, I mentioned I needed to go in to take a written driver's test. I am a part-time teacher. She promptly said: "well, now you know what it means to take a test and possibly not pass." Then, this morning, I said I was taking the test today, and she said: "I know you will do well." These mixed messages obviously played a number on my head and my heart, because I missed passing it by one question. I missed four questions, and the limit is three out of eighteen. So, I am down right now. I have two more tries. It just is the thought of telling her the results with her either laughing at me or whatever else.

As for the test, I will take it again next Friday, and I will devote that much more time. I have enough pressure as it is to take the test, not alone to pass, not alone to deal with her reactions.

So, I just might have to say something to her, if she is verbally abusive. Otherwise, I will just go deeper into feeling that I am no good.

BTW, it is our anniversary on Monday. We were supposed to go out for lunch Sunday, but she is going out of town for four hours and is coming back to study. What is going to happen is based on her whim. She will justify staying here, because her food is healthier than the outside food. Also, BTW, I got her a comfort chair for her bed so that she can study here and at her motel where she stays. Whether she even gets me a card is even debatable!

Yeah, I am down right about now - a lot!

[Samuel S.]

So, how do I forgive this situation? My BPDw studies, works, and cooks most of the meals. I do everything around the house, teach part-time, and tutor part-time. I also write books. Her D18 is at a university about an hour away, and my BPDw brings food and drinks to her every other week. My BPDw does this out of love, of course. In the meantime, I do not demand or press anything of my BPDw, because she is too busy. Our anniversary is Monday. She is bringing food and drinks to her D18 Sunday. So, my BPDw thought so "to not hurt anyone's feelings around here" (namely, me), that we go out for a short dinner tonight, Saturday night. When she said this in a very derogatory way, I knew that she wants to go out out of obligation and not out of love. It's like having to do the laundry or preparing a meal and nothing else. Then, I suggested that we did not have to go out tonight, because she is having a busy weekend. Then, she said "you know me, I can do this." So, speaking about double, mixed messages! Like the tides, I tried to work with her, but never in an angry, frustrating way, but I was literally feeling very suffocated, not knowing what to do because of the chaos she has currently had brought. BTW, I got her a nice gift that she can use for studying in bed. So, forgiveness? Any thoughts?

[Samuel S.]

Some good news blemished with some disturbing news, but isn't that basically how it normally is? Our anniversary was today, although we both agreed that a couple of days ago, that we would go out to dinner after my BPDw got off work, and we did that. It was the first time in at least a couple of years that we had actually gone out on a date, because she has been so busy with work and with her studies. We also exchanged cards and gifts. So, all in all, it was a really nice Saturday evening.

Today, she wanted to study, and I did not take off from teaching, because we had celebrated our anniversary on Saturday evening. I returned from teaching this Monday evening, and she asked if I would like to go out to dinner with her to celebrate our anniversary. I mentioned about how we had already gone out, but I would be so inclined to go out with her. So, we had a nice dinner at another restaurant. Then, we walked around the shopping center for a half hour. While we were walking, we talked about how nice it has been to go out twice like this. She said it was because she was able to do a lot of her studies during the day while I was gone. Here's the kicker! I said I did not suggest going out for tonight before she suggested the idea, because I don't want to disturb her studies. She then said that if she would not have completed her work, she would not have suggested the idea. She would not be in the mood for going out. She would not be in a good mood for me. She would not be in a good mood for herself, and she would not want to go out with herself, either. Interesting!

[Samuel S.]

For the most part, my BPDw has been civil, which is a major difference, but as we all know, BPDs can change very easily. Case and point are today. I had to take the DMV written test a 2nd time due to missing to pass it last week by 1 incorrect answer. Just before taking it, my BPDw called me during her lunch break. I told her I was at the DMV office. She began to laugh. Then, she said to breathe, mediate, and relax. These things I was going to do, but it was nice to hear that. What I didn't appreciate hearing was her laughter. Afterward, I texted her telling her I got 100% of the test, and she replied with "Good job". Yeah, it was nice for her to acknowledge my passing, but the double messages are too much with her laughter. It is important to me to drive.

[Mutt]

I'm happy to hear you passed   It's invalidating and hurtful when a partner laughs at us. It stings. I find a lot of behaviors from the person in my life that has BOD traits is from emotional immaturity. I learned to be indifferent to the emotional immature behaviors like taunting, laughing etc. It takes effort and work to get to indifference.

[Samuel S.]

Mutt, you talk about being indifferent to a BPD's emotional immaturity. If it works for you by taking effort and work to be that way, fine, and I respect you for being able to do that with your BPD. If you know some tools here on this website or elsewhere to learn that, please let me know.

In the meantime, a couple of things have been going on here. First, it was our anniversary almost a week ago. I gave her a comfort chair with a light for her bed so that she can study, because she likes to study in her bed for her classes. It is also portable so that she can take it to her hotel when she spends a night there. Guess what? She hasn't even taken it out of the box. It is a practical gift that she could use. She hasn't even tried it out to see how it would work. So, all I could do was to try to please her, but that obviously hasn't worked. If I were to only give her a card, it wouldn't look that I cared enough to get her something. She thanked me and kissed me, but there's been no mention about it since. Luckily, I have the receipt. So, maybe in a couple of weeks, if she doesn't even open it, I will ask her if she wants me to return it. BTW, she got me a movie gift card which I always appreciate, because I love going to the movies a lot. The only things she is interested in are her studies and working to pay some bills.

Today, I suggested that I go out of the house here so that she could have time with her D18, even though the both of them would be studying. They both thanked me. I left early, went out of town, went to a movie, and looked around for some smartphones. Today was a freeing day, if you will, and I needed that.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry about her not taking the gift Samuel S. There's not tools for indifference here. I came to indifference by learning about BPD. I still read. Depersonalizing the behaviors came because I came to understand the behaviors, motivations behind said behaviors. BPD is complex, even for me and I'm a smart guy. I read until it registered.

I also don't live with mine anymore. That may of helped. Another member said a goal can be to depersonalize when I arrived here. It took time, patience and a lot of reading for myself.

That same borderline emotional immaturity, I'm indifferent to high conflict personalities and emotionally immature individuals. Some people thrive on conflict and it is because of insecurities. It's benefits went beyond my ex partner. I hope that helps.

[Indyan]

I've finally understood that the way they try to be nice to us doesn't mean "I'm sorry".

Or rather, yeah, it means "I'm sorry for myself", "the situation doesn't make ME feel good".

Full stop.

No recognition whatsoever of our feelings, our suffering or needs. And no questionning about their own behaviour for sure.

I'm having a big illustration of this right now.

Months of nightmare but here he's back trying to buy our affection back with restaurants and little presents.

But a chocolate egg won't make me forget the nights I cried and worried about the future with my kids, his legal threats, the pressure on a financial level etc.

[Samuel S.]

Indyan, I am truly so very sorry for all of the hurt that your BPDh has caused you. Yeah, you're right. Restaurants and little presents don't erase the emotional torture he caused.

I have found out that while my BPDw prepares a majority of the meals and plays "nice nice", she continues to like to bring chaos at the same time. She has worked for a company for 25 years, and there's going to be a celebration for her and for others like herself. She can only bring 1 guest. She never told me about this. She told me today that she wasn't quite sure to take me or her D18. Yet, she asked her D18 who agreed to go before even possibly asking if I would like to go. There was no idea in her brain about possibly asking if she could pay for 2 guests. So, they are going out to a nice dinner to honor her. She didn't even apologize about this situation. Yet, if I were to do something like this to her, all hell would break loose. Also, if I were to be honored, I would definitely make it a point to invite the both of them. Yep, she is selfish and deceiving. Yep, your BPDh is selfish and deceiving.

[Indyan]

We have to ignore their little or big betrayals, and that's hard.

On my side, it started with "little" things, such as chosing to listen to his sister's advice on baby equipment over mine (and I'm already a mum). I got annoyed but chose to say nothing... .for a while. Then it got worse and worse "but my sister says... ." had become a habit almost. I had to say stop, he got angry of course.

Then it escalated to running away to his family. Then it was telling them all sorts of lies about me and about our r/s... .

Either we chose not to care (you can tell her that you'll enjoy your evening with a friend), or we say something. But saying something can get back to us like a boomerang, and that's what's happened to me many times.