Yearning is fairly constant

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

If it wasn't for the that damn 'yearning' feelign for my exBPD I'd actually be doing ok.  Does anyone have any suggestions how to help that go away?   I'm not in love with the word, but it best describes the feeling.

[Raybo48]

If it wasn't for the that damn 'yearning' feelign for my exBPD I'd actually be doing ok.  Does anyone have any suggestions how to help that go away?   I'm not in love with the word, but it best describes the feeling.

[Recooperating]

The answer to this sucks... .Time, give it time. Stay NC or LC. Find hobbies to distract your mind, work out, go for a walk, redecorate the house, do fun stuff with friends even if you dont feel like it, work on your own issues and be very patient. Read and try to understand the illness to figure out what has happened to you, but eventually... .The only thing that takes that feeling away is time... .Sucks doesnt it. I would so like to be the inventor of a pill or medicine for this. I'd get filthy rich and would use it myself too!

Sorry you are struggling... .We all know the feeling very well

[Raybo48]

The answer to this sucks... .Time, give it time. Stay NC or LC. Find hobbies to distract your mind, work out, go for a walk, redecorate the house, do fun stuff with friends even if you dont feel like it, work on your own issues and be very patient. Read and try to understand the illness to figure out what has happened to you, but eventually... .The only thing that takes that feeling away is time... .Sucks doesnt it. I would so like to be the inventor of a pill or medicine for this. I'd get filthy rich and would use it myself too!

Sorry you are struggling... .We all know the feeling very well

Thank you, all great advice and it's nice to know I'm not alone on this specific issue.   It's kind of embarrassing.

[Skip]

I'm very familiar with the BPD female and have had a relationship with two separate women with BPD.  The latest one (recovering alcoholic too) moved to AZ about a year ago.  We've been in touch on and off and she still claims she loves me.  She called me out of the blue two weeks ago and wanted me to "come get her".  Then she proceeded to tell me she was dating here and there, but was still in love with me.  So when I didn't jump and go get her she snapped.  A couple of weeks have gone by with NC and I texted her today to see how she was doing and the girl told me that I'm all talk and no action and I need to leave her alone or she will put a restraining order on me.    This is so BPD it's not even funny.  I'll be happy to go no contact again, but can anyone shed any light on the BPD mind a little bit more and explain how they can be in love one week and want to file a restraining order the next when I didn't even speak to the girl?   Psycho.

I see that you had a 3 year, long distance relationship that ended about a year ago.  You say she is a serious alcoholic and possible BPD.  She contacted you recently about getting back together, but you didn't agree with her terms and timing and she said "no deal".

Was she short on rent money?  Obviously there was some immediate need she wanted to fill.  What is it?

How do you really feel about her?  What do you want to happen?

[peiper]

Think of all the pain. I equate yearning her like I yearn for another vasectomy.

[Raybo48]

That's what I don't get Skip.  She's living with her parents out there right now and is working two jobs.  She's a dental hygienist and is working part time at as a waitress.  From what I know she has been fairly sober out there except for a very recent stumble, but when she lived in WI she was a horrible very active alcoholic. 

When she left for good in November of last year she didn't talk to me until Mid March of this year when I suddenly got a text from her that said "I need your help"  I was always good at helping her look for a job (she was losing them a lot because of her alcoholism)  on Craig's so that's the help she needed. It was a pretty straight forward request.  I started helping her (her part time job now is what I helped her find) and we began talking again.  Lots of projection came out of her during our initial conversations, but after about two months she wanted to move back here.  I was living with my cousin at the time so I was in-between homes and I told her I wouldn't have anything until July/August.   She took everything I said as rejection so we started arguing all over again like we were dating.  Weeks would go by with NC on both our parts and most of the summer passed until two weeks ago when she called me at 5:00am and left me a voicemail.  "I love you and miss you and think about you every day" "I messed up and drank again" etc, etc.

I called her about two hours later and I could tell she was still getting sober, but she demanded I drop everything, fly out to AZ and "come get her".  She also said about half way into the conversation she was on plenty of fish and had dated a few guys in the last few weeks.  None of that set well with me. Calling me half sober, dating other men, wanting/demanding I fly out and get her in front of her entire family and drive her back. It was totally impulse driven and not rational behavior.   As soon as I mentioned the guys she was dating she accused me of throwing it in her face, and as soon as she got a whiff of being shut down she said "I'm done loving you" and terminated the call.   We texted a bit that night and that's when she texted me a picture of some guy from the dating site she was about to date... Gotta tell you that really pissed me off, which i'm sure was her intent.       So I leave her alone for two weeks and this past Monday text her to ask how she is doing and I get "I asked you to come and get me, you did nothing, you show no F***** actions and if you bother me again I'm going to file a restraining order"...    That was our last contact.   

What I wanted if she was serious was a sober phone call asking me to come out and visit and talk about things like any rational adult would have.

I loved her, no question .   Do I have my own issues for loving someone like her, probably so no question.   It  doesn't make it any easier though.

[Raybo48]

Think of all the pain. I equate yearning her like I yearn for another vasectomy.

Well said!

[Deeno02]

I think about her all the time, then i think of all the bad ___, and im thankful she dumped me.

[Skip]

What I wanted if she was serious was a sober phone call asking me to come out and visit and talk about things like any rational adult would have.

I loved her, no question .   Do I have my own issues for loving someone like her, probably so no question.   It  doesn't make it any easier though.

She has a personality disorder and a drinking problem. This is normal behavior for that - shes not messing with you -   it's who she is.  She wants you to bail her out.

Your request is reasonable.  Coming out and visiting and talking about things out makes sense.  You are not in a position to rescue her - but maybe you can make plans.

So why the fight?  If you have a relationship with a person like this you need to know how to let an impulse pass and a small fight develop without fanning the flames... .extinction bursts is the technical term... .and emotional manipulation (read here).  It's possible to handle some level of emotional volatility.

Now how much volatility will there be?  And where is the line between enough and too much for you?

Is she psycho?  No.  But she is "special needs" for sure.  It will help to "Face the Facts" - this is the reality, its not her being mean or psycho - its her disability.

And outside of all the "their crazy" talk, it sounds like deep down you care for her and are hurt by her running off.  It will help to "Face this Fact" too.  This is not black and white at all - its very gray.

WiseMind in the art of balancing our emotional motivations and logical motivations.  When we have cognitive dissonance - conflicting thoughts we struggle until we resolve the conflict.  



https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Is she too broken to go forward?  Do you know?

That's what I don't get Skip.  

Does this help?

[Raybo48]

Thank you for the insight Skip, I've never had anyone break it down like that before for me.  Even if it's grey now I'm afraid to contact her with ther threatening a restraining order just last Monday.  There is no way to tell if she's being serious or is just hurt by being rejected.  I thought about sending her flowers, but that's still contact and I didnnt want her twist that around and accuse me of not adhering to her wishes and still try and get a restraining order even though I'm 1500 miles away.   

I guess at this point I'm destined to wait for her to contact me again, or not.