I just gave my ex the boots

[guy4caligirl]

Hi I have been her for almost a month I learned a lot , I have to tell you that they are not going to change , unless they want to .

She finally ask me to have work with me from a distance she called me yesterday and I said I can't talk I got company she goes your new girlfriend I said none of your business .

Come to find out she was pissed off but she is still playing games , finally I set  my boundaries I said you either come back or leave me the hell alone . I hope you guys will come to that point enough grieving it's about time to let go ... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear this. You have a long history and you must have mixed feelings.

What games is she playing?

[guy4caligirl]

Well she called like she said she will I have promise myself to validate her and we had a great conversation and yes she was bothered by thinking I have a girlfriend , I agreed to give her the job and she said she will meet me at the convention but different rooms , I asked her to really get some therapy going ,then she wanted a cash advance .

I refused and said this are my boundaries you  either come Back or no money enough is enough .

[Mutt]

What made you upset to break-up?

Were you both in couples therapy? Are you in therapy?

[guy4caligirl]

She gave me mixed feelings that she maybe maybe not in the future she would but she is not sure and wanted to go to the convention in January , I can't drag this any longer I am out of patience no I don't go to therapy I just feed of here but I suggested to her to get in one and I will be with her step by step , I don't want to keep enabling .refused to give her money looks to me she tricked me just for the money and I did not fall for it she got triggered because I said no .

Just ran out of gas .

She will turn around I felt the love and jealousy from her but I don't want to wait and think about her anymore if god's willing she will come if not hey !

I just don't want to do anymore effort and I feel empathy towards her and passion but she has to feel that she needs therapy I can say that I planted the seeds in her and I hope she will for her own sake .

I am not happy with outcome but my hands are tied .

[Mutt]

I can say that I planted the seeds in her

I understand feeling out of gas in a relationship. You feel emotionally exhausted and frustrated. BPD is a difficult disorder and it's frustrating when you don't know what you are dealing with. You know that it's BPD.

It's not really fair to ask your partner to go to therapy and you're not doing your own therapy. It telegraphs that you want her to change and you don't want to change.

The best piece of advice I have received in therapy:

"Change comes from you.

Change doesn't come from someone else."

She's mentally ill. You can't plant a seed in her head. She needs to want to have to do this for herself. If she doesn't, it's something that you'll have to accept.

BPD is a serious disorder. BPD is a part of her personality. Her reality is real to her. Just like your reality is to you.

^This took time for me to sink in^

Have you accepted that she is mentally ill?

You sound like you care about her. It doesn't sound like either of you crossed boundaries where the relationship can't be turned around.

You also have the choice of ending it. I sense ambivalence and many members here had break-up, make-up cycles before the r/s ended.

You can also sleep on it.

[guy4caligirl]

Of course I do and did accept she is ill more than I did in the last 5 years I never look at it that way I knew all along because after a year she told me she ha BPD , I have told her I am in a serious study about her illness and learned a lot about it in the last two months she was happy to know I did that for me and her  I am not looking to change her at all changes start with me and I am on that path I am more ready than ever to be back with her Mutt  2 months ago no I wasn't I learned a lot from this site ,I really am and I told her I will be with her every step of the way .

[Mutt]

Let's take this as an example.

She gave me mixed feelings that she maybe maybe not in the future she would but she is not sure and wanted to go to the convention in January , I can't drag this any longer

Feelings are facts to a pwBPD.

I said you either come back or leave me the hell alone .

Were you both feeling anger?

If you are telling her to leave you the hell alone it triggers rejection and abandonment. January is a couple of months away. Perhaps it's better to ask when both of you aren't upset with each other? If she's triggered, she won't go along with you in January because of what she feels at the moment. A non-disordered partner would likely feel this way as well too right?

Is it a matter that needs to be settled now? Can it wait? What if she doesn't go?

Can you give her a break?

[guy4caligirl]

She wanted the job I said yes , she wanted to go to the convention and be in two rooms I said ok but she said we will see about one room if we get along with long distance work and then throw the bomb and said I need this now please do it for me .

I never said leave me the hell alone I gave boundaries I will give you the money when you come back .

[guy4caligirl]

WE are back to silent treatment again .

[myself]

Of course I do and did accept she is ill more than I did in the last 5 years I never look at it that way I knew all along because after a year she told me she ha BPD , I have told her I am in a serious study about her illness and learned a lot about it in the last two months she was happy to know I did that for me and her  I am not looking to change her at all changes start with me and I am on that path I am more ready than ever to be back with her Mutt  2 months ago no I wasn't I learned a lot from this site ,I really am and I told her I will be with her every step of the way .

Am wondering how much effort she's put into working on herself to have less problems with her BPD since telling you she has it? There could have been real progress in all those years. Was there? If not, do you think continuing to believe she's going to change is doing you much good?

[guy4caligirl]

No she didn't do anything about but tale medicine that doesn't work .

Now do I think she is going to  change on her own No , but she said today she needs to get some kind of therapy but she is another state I can't be there for her to remind her , it's very hard to communicate with her after the split I want to get across her that I really care to help her but that silence that she gives me if I don't help her financially sucks .

I had set  boundaries today either you come back or am not going to help period .

[guy4caligirl]

We're back talking , and she offered her services to work for me but long distance , I agreed and now we are talking business no relation like she said , something is better than nothing right ? At least I can be in touch with her she has a  gay friend as my replacement I think , so I am happy with this after all we reopened conversation I did something today maybe she will put in the white I hope ,anyone had a similar situation to advise me or anyone ?

[Mutt]

maybe she will put in the white I hope

We're back talking

You're talking. If she ignored and wasn't talking to you, you'd be split black. So you're back to talking and on the leaving board. Your thread title says you gave her the boots.

she has a  gay friend as my replacement I think

What is your goal?

[guy4caligirl]

Hi mutt , she accepted  the long distance job , and we are talking I sent a few dollars she said thank god for you Wow !

I feel I need to stick with business only and I will , I Will validate her as much as possible , hoping she would start talking herself about us , I hope , she has a long history about her illness but she refused to get help she said she did it for a while and she will never get out of it but she has to live with it .

Do you think she want to recycle after she paint me white ?

[Mutt]

I understand. You want to help her out a bit. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves with relationship recycles. You say that you want to validate her which is good. I wouldn't recommend telling her that you're doing it, simply do it.

I would suggest that you work on how you communicate as it sounded like you were triggered.

Have you looked at this article?

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse - Staff Article

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you mutt I just did ... .

should I switch to the undecided board ?

[Mutt]

Thank you mutt I just did ... .

should I switch to the undecided board ?

You can participate in which board you choose. If you don't have a family member that is PD, you can read and not post in coping. Take advantage with advice from the staying members. That's why I moved your post here. Learn to trigger her and yourself less, smooth the edges of the r/s.

At the very least you have a business relationship together.

[guy4caligirl]

I understand. You want to help her out a bit. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves with relationship recycles. You say that you want to validate her which is good. I wouldn't recommend telling her that you're doing it, simply do it.

I would suggest that you work on how you communicate as it sounded like you were triggered.

Have you looked at this article?

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse - Staff Article

Yes I did I will read it again