How to move forward with my 3 children who are not his?

[bohemianchick]

My SO (35M) and I (42F) have been together for a year and a half. I had just gotten divorced and have 3 children. We met through mutual friends and the first five months long distance were wonderful.

There were some of my friends that told me to stay away from him because of his history but I’m the kind of person who takes it from the horse’s mouth. So you could say that the first six months were wonderful due to the headiness of a new relationship but tempered by his past. However, I thought that I would be “that woman to change his life around”.

When we first started dating, he did tell me that he had NPD. He was diagnosed by a therapist four years ago. I looked it up and was initially frightened, but after talking to him and seeing how “charming” he was and he told me he had been to therapy a few times, so I kind of thought he was “cured”. I had never had any experience with anyone (that I know of) that had this, or any kind of personality disorder, so I really didn’t know what I was in for. I was soon to find out.

He moved to my hometown after six months of a long distance relationship and that was when I started to see his “dark side” come out. The next six months were both heaven and hell. Heaven because he is everything I have wanted in a man, except for his temper. Hell because we are both strong spirited people with our own ideas and when we fought, we FOUGHT. We’d be up all night. He was very emotionally abusive, but not physically. But hell hath no fury like a man with NPD whose opinions are challenged. I now know that part of it was me. I was very defensive and I just couldn’t understand why someone, especially my SO, would be so mean to me and my children.

He moved in with me after almost a year. I wanted to save money and I thought things would get better. They didn’t, and I ended up kicking him out 4 months later. We broke up several times and many times, we threatened to pack up and leave. Finally, when I kicked him out, we spent 2 weeks apart. We talked and decided to try to work it out. He moved into another home with roommates about 20 minutes away

We had planned a road trip since January, and we took this trip in June. It was a month long trip with 5 kids. His two kids and my three kids. All are between ages 5-10. This trip was the BEST and the WORST trip. Children seem to be his biggest trigger, along with my “permissive” parenting skills. There was an incident during the 3rd week that I don’t really wish to discuss here, but it was my wake up call.

A few days later, we were at my parents house and I told them what happened. Of course, they were very concerned. Things were extremely tense, but the trip was over after a month. We ended up driving home (22 hours drive) and dropping off his kids on the way home. When we were about 2 hours away from home, we had another fight and cops were involved to settle the dispute. I ended up leaving him there at the gas station and driving back home with my kids. He took the bus home the next morning.

There is a lot that I am not saying here. A lot happened, but for the purposes of making this short, I am just giving a brief overview. It was very tough after that. He was very upset, as was I. However, a friend helped him turn around and he felt very regretful. I think that was his turning point. He wrote me apology letters. He even wrote me a 37 page letter confessing all his lies. He told all his friends what happened and told everyone that I was not the bad person.

After about a week, I came back and said if he went to therapy, I would try to see if we could work it out. He believes now that he has BPD with some NPD (as opposed to full NPD which is what he was diagnosed with before). I have read the book “Walking on Eggshells” and it is a fabulous book. I understand him so much better now. I now realize that my defensiveness triggered him. I need to change my words. It is very hard for me.


He will be taking an evaluation sometime next week to get re-diagnosed and then starting counseling sometime soon. So we’ll see where it goes. I guess my questions are:

1.) How do I support him without crossing my boundaries and falling into the “helping him” trap?

2.) Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t really want me, he just wants me to move on. He did try to break up with me, saying I would be better off with another guy. I really have no idea if I would.

3.) My friends are all scared of him now because of what happened. (I told them after we got back from the trip because we were still mad for a week). How to deal?

4.) My kids don’t like him anymore. My first daughter never did. How do I deal with this? I don’t know if ANY of the kids could forgive each other. During the month long road trip, a lot of nasty things were said - “sibling rivalry”. But my kids took a lot of it personally.

5.) My parents and my family. How do I deal with this?

6.) My ex husband is pissed at me “because I put the kids in danger”. How do I resolve? I guess I’m just wondering………... is there really any hope for this relationship? Or is it really doomed, and it really doesn’t matter if he goes to counseling or not? I do want to support him, but I am co-dependent and I am working on that. I am reading the book “Codependent No More”, and it is helping a lot.

But I just don’t know if I have the guts to be that strong woman that he needs and I have to explain everything to everyone. I do worry about what people think. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I just need some words of advice. I do know that we both love each other, but is love enough?

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[Mono No Aware]

Hi Bohemianchick, welcome to the forum.

Here on the Staying & Improving board we are all pretty much dedicated to keeping relationships going that may be doomed to various degrees. We are not in the same place as the Undecided board, we have made our decisions to stay for better or worse.

That said, I'm reading between your lines with the mention of cops being called. Domestic Violence is a serious matter, one that many consider to be over the line and beyond the limits of salvageable relationship... .especially if any kids are in danger of witnessing it or worst case getting hurt. Love on your end is not enough to overcome that and you need to accept that and move on.

But supposing that issue is permanently fixed, then you have practical questions that we in Staying are all too familiar with. Some do not have answers, but make more questions.

1.) How do I support him without crossing my boundaries and falling into the “helping him” trap?

Helping/supporting him in what way?

With his issues: you CANNOT fix his personality disorders, you can only not make it worse.

With free food & rent: that's enabling, a big no-no - stop the codependency.

2.) Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t really want me, he just wants me to move on. He did try to break up with me, saying I would be better off with another guy. I really have no idea if I would.

I get this about once a week from my undiagnosed BPD wife. It's standard BPD practice. The Person With Borderline Personality Disorder (pwBPD) fears abandonment so much that a close relationship sets off their alarms and forces them to sabotage the relationship (r/s) to prevent the hurt they fear. Keep in mind none of this is done with logical thinking, it's all emotional responses and they are not aware of it at all.

Read up on ":)on't JADE" - Don't Justify, Attack, Defend, Engage this sort of conversation.

3.) My friends are all scared of him now because of what happened. (I told them after we got back from the trip because we were still mad for a week). How to deal?

If you are going to Stay & Improve you badly need a strong support network of friends and family - because the average pwBPD's emotional support ranges from absolute zero down to toxic and corrosive. You need to keep those friendships going and be a good friend to them in their life burdens too. The wheel of karma crushes those who desert good friends.

4.) My kids don’t like him anymore. My first daughter never did. How do I deal with this?

Back to my initial comment about DV. This man may not be right for your family at all.

I don’t know if ANY of the kids could forgive each other. During the month long road trip, a lot of nasty things were said - “sibling rivalry”. But my kids took a lot of it personally.

That may take some family counseling, and perhaps modify your "permissive parenting" to make some new rules about being respectful to family members or face punishments. I take away videogame time from my 4th grader when he's mean to the toddler.

5.) My parents and my family. How do I deal with this?

See my response to #3 above. When I called a top-secret family meeting and laid out my discovery of my wife's BPD they pledged support and silence which I treasure greatly.

6.) My ex husband is pissed at me “because I put the kids in danger”. How do I resolve?

If he has a valid point... .the mental and physical safety of the kids is not negotiable.

I guess I’m just wondering………... is there really any hope for this relationship? Or is it really doomed, and it really doesn’t matter if he goes to counseling or not?

Doomed it may be.

Counseling is very important, but it is a generic term. Run a search on this board and you'll find a wide range of experience from good (psychologist who treats BPD helping people overcome it and lead normal lives) to bad (unskilled counselor ignorant of BPD making it worse).

I do want to support him, but I am co-dependent and I am working on that. I am reading the book “Codependent No More”, and it is helping a lot.

Aha! Kick that freeloader out.

But I just don’t know if I have the guts to be that strong woman that he needs and I have to explain everything to everyone. I do worry about what people think. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I just need some words of advice. I do know that we both love each other, but is love enough?

Listen girl he does NOT need "a strong woman", he needs to get the correct therapy to help him learn to manage his out-of-control emotional trainwreck. As I said above, you cannot fix him.

All you can do is to take care of yourself and your children, and read the Lessons

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

and practice the difficult arts of Validation, Don't JADE, SET-UP, DEARMAN, Boundaries, etc.

Good luck Bohemian Girl.