What is NC like from my exBPDgf's Point of view?

[antonio1213]

I am just curious if it is affecting her the same way as it is me. Because I know that it probably isn't but I am curious how she views it. I have been NC since day 1 of the b/u. She initiated it, she didn't want to date me anymore. She has just barely contacted me since the b/u. And when she does it seems to be all about her feelings. She tells me how lonely, confused she is and how hard the break up on her. She does mention me though she says she still loves me, wants me in her life, and thinks about me all the time. But she has made no effort to try to see me at all. And hasn't contacted me in over a week. Obviously her actions don't match her words.

What is NC like to BPDs? She went from talking to me every single day all day to not talking at all. How do they deal with the severed connection? Does she not miss me? Or is she just saying that to keep me as a back up supply? Did our relationship really mean that little to her?

[Raybo48]

In my opinion and my own experience with my BPDx she doesn't think anything like me.  Sometimes you are on their radar and sometimes you aren't, it's really that simple.  If they have a current supply of attention then you are likely not on her radar at all and won't be until she needs something from  you.  Almost always without fail when they do break NC it's not about you, but about them.  I never once got a call from my BPDx asking me how I was doing and the conversation always started off with "I".

I've also come to the conclusion that they reference time much differently than we do.  So when days and weeks seem to drag and we feel every single minute they don't feel that way at all.  That's why it's so easy for them to let weeks and months roll by with NC and when they call you they act like they just talked to you yesterday.   My ex ignored me from November of 2013 to mid-March of 2014 and when she called asking for me to "help her" she had no reference of the time that elapsed or even thought what I was up to nearly 5 months later. 

[antonio1213]

In my opinion and my own experience with my BPDx she doesn't think anything like me.  Sometimes you are on their radar and sometimes you aren't, it's really that simple.  If they have a current supply of attention then you are likely not on her radar at all and won't be until she needs something from  you.  Almost always without fail when they do break NC it's not about you, but about them.  I never once got a call from my BPDx asking me how I was doing and the conversation always started off with "I".

I've also come to the conclusion that they reference time much differently than we do.  So when days and weeks seem to drag and we feel every single minute they don't feel that way at all.  That's why it's so easy for them to let weeks and months roll by with NC and when they call you they act like they just talked to you yesterday.   My ex ignored me from November of 2013 to mid-March of 2014 and when she called asking for me to "help her" she had no reference of the time that elapsed or even thought what I was up to nearly 5 months later. 

That definatly means I am nowhere on her radar. She has plenty of attention right now, guys all over her. And she is really extroverted and social so I am most definatly not on her radar at all.

So I guess it is as I feared, she will only check up on me when she needs something from me. It is all about her her her. the selfishness is overwhelming. Well I am almost definatly split to black. Does she ever reminisce on our relationship?

[Raybo48]

Define reminisce? 

I mean I know what the word means, but in my experience with my BPDx I'd never apply that word to her.    Pretty sure that word would encompass compassion, empathy, actual love, etc. Their emotions are fleeting and their lives are usually so chaotic and drama driven they rarely have time to reminisce about much.

I get what you are driving at. You want her to think about you, and you want to be validated.  I just don't think they are wired that way, they are too preoccupied about where the next rush of attention is going to come from and they just don't dwell on the past, which includes past relationships. 

[mitchell16]

what I found was mine would contact late at night. why? cause that when she was lonely and she had sleep troubles. During the day time and evening hours she had so many other sources that I wasnt on her mind. She had her friends which they where all so emeshed which other life it was crazy. I mean they are 50 and 60 year old people and call each other 5 to 6 times a day every day. They see each other every day. but at night she needed to know I still cared for her and I was still there for her so that when I would hear from her and it was almost alway at the 3 week mark after we had been split up and nc with each other. I figured that was when the new kinda wore off with my replacement and then she needed validation from me.

[Raybo48]

what I found was mine would contact late at night. why? cause that when she was lonely and she had sleep troubles. During the day time and evening hours she had so many other sources that I wasnt on her mind. She had her friends which they where all so emeshed which other life it was crazy. I mean they are 50 and 60 year old people and call each other 5 to 6 times a day every day. They see each other every day. but at night she needed to know I still cared for her and I was still there for her so that when I would hear from her and it was almost alway at the 3 week mark after we had been split up and nc with each other. I figured that was when the new kinda wore off with my replacement and then she needed validation from me.

Yep, this is exactly what she did to me too.  I agree 100% with you here.  My ex had horrible sleeping issues and would be up at all hours of the night all the time.  I wonder if that is a common theme with them. 

[Bak86]

Mine had sleeping problems too.

- Would not sleep at all

- Would sleep a lot(12 hours or more during the weekend)

- Sleepwalking

- Punching/kicking in sleep

- Screaming in sleep

- Nightmares

I almost feel bad for her 

[mitchell16]

mine did the same. I would lay awake at night and see her twitching, making fist, some terrible facial expression, I woudl often wonder what was going on in her mind while she was sleeping.

[Deeno02]

mine did the same. I would lay awake at night and see her twitching, making fist, some terrible facial expression, I woudl often wonder what was going on in her mind while she was sleeping.

Same, for the most part. She had disruptive sleep patterns. Always had to have a kid sleep with her when I wasnt there, plus she never had much of a schedule for her kids to go to sleep, even during school days. weird... .

[fred6]

Mine had sleeping problems too.

- Would not sleep at all

- Would sleep a lot(12 hours or more during the weekend)

- Sleepwalking

- Punching/kicking in sleep

- Screaming in sleep

- Nightmares

I almost feel bad for her 

Mine has sleep issues at night and sometimes can't go to sleep. She would also would sleep a lot on the weekends, but I don't know if that was because of her Zoloft. I have read that Zoloft makes a person sleep a lot more than usual. Also, she would twitch and suddenly jerk at night. It would wake me up sometimes. But then again, she told me that she was bad on meth a long time ago and I have read stories of that causing people to twitch and jerk in their sleep. Not sure how true that is though... .

[Raybo48]

Mine used to complain about me not wanting to "snuggle in bed in the morning" and I was like well if you didn't get up at 5:00am every single day and go outside and smoke and then never come back in the room maybe that would change?  

I personally think since her mind was racing in a thousand different directions all the time there was no way to get a natural, restful night sleep.   She also had major stomach issues that she finally admitted.  Again, not surprising with all the anxiety and angst inside them seemingly 24/7.  It's also not surprising they find coping mechanisms like drugs and alcohol to 'self-sooth' so to speak.  My ex is a horrible horrible alcoholic and she would intentionally drink so she could 'pass out' for the night.  

[parisian]

Mine had terrible sleep habits too .

Couldn't go to sleep until she had spend hours on the computer, in bed. Then would wake up around 4.30 in the morning and do same for another hour.

The only time she seemed to get decent sleep would be after drinking too much alcohol and passing out.

When I stayed at her place, she had a pet cat that would crawl all over us the bed. I wasn't used to animals in/on the bed but it was her pet, so there was not much I felt I could do or say.

So between her being awake on the computer and her pet, I suffered with very bad sleep - for the whole duration of our relationship.

When I asked her about her sleep habits, she said she'd always suffered from that since she was a teenager. Even when she stayed at my house she would be on the computer late.  At least she had the courtesy to turn the sounds off/down.

[Butterfly44]

Mine wouldn't sleep for days at a time & her acting out would get worse because of it. I would also get blamed for her lack of sleep. It was my fault because she was anxious, worrying, wondering what I was doing etc... .she had to have a body next to her (any body she once said). If I wasn't available she would go to the next source of "supply" for cuddles & comfort because she couldn't sleep without it. That was her excuse anyway. Seriously messed up if you ask me! It was like going out with a child who needed constant attention & comfort to even get through the night. She also had nightmares but she didn't care who was there as long as someone (anyone) was to help her sleep. She has her replacement now so I've no idea what she thinks, feels, cares about... .but I doubt very much it's me. She used to text me all through the night when she was alone & now she doesn't at all; not once since we broke up so I'm 100% sure she's in someone else's bed now. It's sad & hurtful how easily they move on to someone else.

[Raybo48]

Mine wouldn't sleep for days at a time & her acting out would get worse because of it. I would also get blamed for her lack of sleep. It was my fault because she was anxious, worrying, wondering what I was doing etc... .she had to have a body next to her (any body she once said). If I wasn't available she would go to the next source of "supply" for cuddles & comfort because she couldn't sleep without it. That was her excuse anyway. Seriously messed up if you ask me! It was like going out with a child who needed constant attention & comfort to even get through the night. She also had nightmares but she didn't care who was there as long as someone (anyone) was to help her sleep. She has her replacement now so I've no idea what she thinks, feels, cares about... .but I doubt very much it's me. She used to text me all through the night when she was alone & now she doesn't at all; not once since we broke up so I'm 100% sure she's in someone else's bed now. It's sad & hurtful how easily they move on to someone else.

I think the theme that cuts us all pretty deep in these threads is how they can easily move on to someone else with absolutely no thought of it, no consideration for our feelings at all.  There is really no consolation in that for us, no closure.  It hurts, we have to deal with it, and probably time is the only think that we can count on that will help the pain fade.  I know Skip has emphasized in these posts to focus on ourselves, our own healing.  He does that because the energy wasted in trying to over analyzed our ex can be counter productive and keep us emotionally connected longer than is necessary.  At least that's my take on it.

We all know that the other person they are with right now will share the same fate someday and as much as I resent him for being with her (in my case) I can't blame him.  He was/is just as unsuspecting as I was and who really would want to wish the fate he's about to experience on a complete stranger? 

I feel your pain Butterfly and I'm sorry you are going through this, I really am.

[clydegriffith]

I am just curious if it is affecting her the same way as it is me. Because I know that it probably isn't but I am curious how she views it. I have been NC since day 1 of the b/u. She initiated it, she didn't want to date me anymore. She has just barely contacted me since the b/u. And when she does it seems to be all about her feelings. She tells me how lonely, confused she is and how hard the break up on her. She does mention me though she says she still loves me, wants me in her life, and thinks about me all the time. But she has made no effort to try to see me at all. And hasn't contacted me in over a week. Obviously her actions don't match her words.

What is NC like to BPDs? She went from talking to me every single day all day to not talking at all. How do they deal with the severed connection? Does she not miss me? Or is she just saying that to keep me as a back up supply? Did our relationship really mean that little to her?

In my opinion NC from the BPDs vantage point is contingent upon wether or not they have new supply. If they do that is the new exciting thing and you won't here from them anywhere near as much if they do not have supply. If they do not have new supply be 100% certain that they are seeking out just that regardless of what they tell you of missing you, etc etc.

[Deeno02]

Mine wouldn't sleep for days at a time & her acting out would get worse because of it. I would also get blamed for her lack of sleep. It was my fault because she was anxious, worrying, wondering what I was doing etc... .she had to have a body next to her (any body she once said). If I wasn't available she would go to the next source of "supply" for cuddles & comfort because she couldn't sleep without it. That was her excuse anyway. Seriously messed up if you ask me! It was like going out with a child who needed constant attention & comfort to even get through the night. She also had nightmares but she didn't care who was there as long as someone (anyone) was to help her sleep. She has her replacement now so I've no idea what she thinks, feels, cares about... .but I doubt very much it's me. She used to text me all through the night when she was alone & now she doesn't at all; not once since we broke up so I'm 100% sure she's in someone else's bed now. It's sad & hurtful how easily they move on to someone else.

I think the theme that cuts us all pretty deep in these threads is how they can easily move on to someone else with absolutely no thought of it, no consideration for our feelings at all.  There is really no consolation in that for us, no closure.  It hurts, we have to deal with it, and probably time is the only think that we can count on that will help the pain fade.  I know Skip has emphasized in these posts to focus on ourselves, our own healing.  He does that because the energy wasted in trying to over analyzed our ex can be counter productive and keep us emotionally connected longer than is necessary.  At least that's my take on it.

We all know that the other person they are with right now will share the same fate someday and as much as I resent him for being with her (in my case) I can't blame him.  He was/is just as unsuspecting as I was and who really would want to wish the fate he's about to experience on a complete stranger? 

I feel your pain Butterfly and I'm sorry you are going through this, I really am.

Well said Raybo!

[DangIthurts]

Mine wouldn't sleep for days at a time & her acting out would get worse because of it. I would also get blamed for her lack of sleep. It was my fault because she was anxious, worrying, wondering what I was doing etc... .she had to have a body next to her (any body she once said). If I wasn't available she would go to the next source of "supply" for cuddles & comfort because she couldn't sleep without it. That was her excuse anyway. Seriously messed up if you ask me! It was like going out with a child who needed constant attention & comfort to even get through the night. She also had nightmares but she didn't care who was there as long as someone (anyone) was to help her sleep. She has her replacement now so I've no idea what she thinks, feels, cares about... .but I doubt very much it's me. She used to text me all through the night when she was alone & now she doesn't at all; not once since we broke up so I'm 100% sure she's in someone else's bed now. It's sad & hurtful how easily they move on to someone else.

I think the theme that cuts us all pretty deep in these threads is how they can easily move on to someone else with absolutely no thought of it, no consideration for our feelings at all.  There is really no consolation in that for us, no closure.  It hurts, we have to deal with it, and probably time is the only think that we can count on that will help the pain fade.  I know Skip has emphasized in these posts to focus on ourselves, our own healing.  He does that because the energy wasted in trying to over analyzed our ex can be counter productive and keep us emotionally connected longer than is necessary.  At least that's my take on it.

We all know that the other person they are with right now will share the same fate someday and as much as I resent him for being with her (in my case) I can't blame him.  He was/is just as unsuspecting as I was and who really would want to wish the fate he's about to experience on a complete stranger? 

I feel your pain Butterfly and I'm sorry you are going through this, I really am.

Pretty much, and just like Op's post, mine has an unlimited supply of attention, even added her twitter to her instagram so people could find her on that where our "engaged" used to be... .

I remember the week before our final blowup thats lead to NC, I saw pictures of her out and happy on her brothers fb n it pissed me off so much that we couldn't spend time together to get back to fixing this, and I said you look damn happy out having fun. She goes ask him and mom I complained the whole time... .

Basically any hints on social media that their lives are wonderful and happy, just like we come and go in their minds and maybe they miss us a day, hour, minute, its all just feelings at that specific time... .

Mine would make snide comments "oh go date a model, go date someone way prettier thats all your fb friends are anyways pretty girls" and I kept having to say "I don't care about that" even now, if kate uptons outside I might talk to her now to feel better but I still deeply care about someone who for all intensive purposes from this point on I'll be a thought when she's a BMW, or thought when she sees the rare car I got her around her neck of the woods... .Other than that with the vast supply of attention she has at her disposal, I have no reason to see her contacting me (granted she did after first two days of NC trying to fix it which i was shocked, but she's since not tried, so next Sunday will be 3 weeks of NC with me contacting her once).

Sad but guys/girls as someone whose had greedy (non BPD) girls try to drag relationships out and flirt daily and keep you apart of their lives with no intention of ever getting back with you... .Healing will be much more rapid if they never contact you... .We all have ___ty days, I was out driving a supercar last night (I apologize if it sounds like I'm gloating... .I'm not, its my way of coping ) and after the initial greatness wore off I was back missing her, so we'll all be stuck in that for awhile, some longer than others... .But I honestly think as much as we hope to get contact we are the lucky ones.

[cleverusername]

Mine had terrible sleep habits too .

Same here, I wonder if this is common with pwBPD.

When I first started talking to my ex (2 years before we actually started dating) she was going through sleep studies at a hospital and I remember it being a huge issue for her and still is to a lesser degree. When we were dating if I wasn't in her bed with her when she slept she'd have this ratty (pretty gross really) old stuffed bear she'd cuddle. She's 23... .

[Raybo48]

My contact has been nothing but negative, unproductive, and threatening from my BPDxgf the last month or so.  She also tends to contact when she is drinking and then claims she doesn't remember contacting.  I question her "black out" excuse every single time when she drinks, but that's another topic for another time.

At the moment she's getting endless supply from FB, and Plenty of Fish, and her little dates.  I serve no useful purpose to her at the moment and will consider myself lucky if I never hear from her again.  As some members have pointed out though being painted black can only last for so long so the recycle attempts could just be a matter of time especially if they run into a dry spell on supply.  

My ex offers me nothing, and I've come to realize as much as I thought I knew her I knew nothing about her in the end.  I should have used her treatment of her ex boyfriends as a gauge, but I stupidly thought that couldn't happen to me, I'm somehow different.  They tend to vilify their ex's to make you seem different, and special and I've come to realize that too.

NC from my BPDxgf point of view is business as usual, which has been going on long before I met her.    

[Raybo48]

Mine had terrible sleep habits too .

Same here, I wonder if this is common with pwBPD.

When I first started talking to my ex (2 years before we actually started dating) she was going through sleep studies at a hospital and I remember it being a huge issue for her and still is to a lesser degree. When we were dating if I wasn't in her bed with her when she slept she'd have this ratty (pretty gross really) old stuffed bear she'd cuddle. She's 23... .

Mine sleeps with an old jacket, you know those cheap ones you'd get if you smoked 1000 packs of cigarettes?  She has to have that in bed with her every-single-night and she's 43 years old.  She has major trouble falling asleep every night and it's very rare if she doesn't wake up by 4:00AM daily.  One would have to think that with all the turmoil going on in their head it just doesn't shut off so they can get some decent sleep.  I bet their brain is always spinning 100 miles an hour...  

[DangIthurts]

Mine had terrible sleep habits too .

Same here, I wonder if this is common with pwBPD.

When I first started talking to my ex (2 years before we actually started dating) she was going through sleep studies at a hospital and I remember it being a huge issue for her and still is to a lesser degree. When we were dating if I wasn't in her bed with her when she slept she'd have this ratty (pretty gross really) old stuffed bear she'd cuddle. She's 23... .

Mines same age. She had a pillow that was very very old. Never without it. I think attacked her ex when he ripped it.