Forgiveness

[Depression = 72% of members]

She likely had conflicted feelings and felt disgusted. Much of the disorder is emotional immaturity. Do you mean it was that kind of tone?

Yeah, when she said, "I didn't ask you to forgive me". Her tone of voice and the look on her face was cold, remorseless, and disgusted. It was like an episode of the Twilight Zone or something... .

WOW! Our experiences are all so similar.

[Infared]

She likely had conflicted feelings and felt disgusted. Much of the disorder is emotional immaturity. Do you mean it was that kind of tone?

Yeah, when she said, "I didn't ask you to forgive me". Her tone of voice and the look on her face was cold, remorseless, and disgusted. It was like an episode of the Twilight Zone or something... .

WOW! Our experiences are all so similar.

[Mutt]

My religion says that forgiveness of others is mandatory. So that has to be my goal. I don't think I'm at that point though unfortunately. Maybe seeing this suffering kid today going through what my wife experienced/experiences? got me at least pointed in that direction.

Thank you AwakenedOne and thank you for sharing. This experience is your catalyst.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

I think the above is accurate.  For a very long time I couldn't understand "forgiveness" you hear it in the news all the time... .I forgive the murderer who killed my child... .I forgive the thief that stole from me... . I could never understand how or even why someone would forgive in situations like that.  Murder is wrong, stealing is wrong.  As someone said earlier I was confusing condoning with forgiving.

At 47 Years old I learned the meaning of forgiveness by giving it.

As a 16 year old I fell in love, this young man and I grew up together, continued our relationship through college (separate locations), continued our relationship into our mid 20's we were together almost 10 years.  He was the love of my life and the man I wanted to marry and expected to marry.

Then he cheated the one "unforgivable" thing he could do to me and he knew it. I kicked him out of my house and didn't see him again.  For at least a year I suffered a broken heart and stuffed all my feelings for him. Who wanted to hear about it?  Who would I tell because the love of my life was also my best friend.

This one event I believe changed the course of my life for 19 years.  About a year and 1/2 after our break up I met someone else in June, began dating in July and finally got engaged in August.  He was my rebound man and I married him simply because he asked, I was 26 and not getting any younger!  Turns out I married an alcoholic but I stayed in my marriage... .you guessed it I was a co-dependent enabler.

But the biggest part in my making all of these decisions was I had Zero self esteem I allowed the break up from that early relationship to crush my self esteem utterly & love? what's love? Can't trust love! I made a series of bad decisions that finally led to depression.

About 17 years into my marriage I started climbing back up the depression hole... .started doing some things for me, for my health and for my soul.  

One of many things I did was reach out to family & friends.  I had the contact information on that young man from so many years ago and I called him.  We talked about the usual things our jobs our families etc.  Then somewhere in this conversation he told me what I had meant to him all of those years ago, that he wouldn't be the man he was without me, that he had loved me.  I felt like the grinch who's heart grew 3 times that day.  His comments triggered a year long breakdown and breakthroughs.  I always knew that I loved him but I stuffed it and in letting the love out right on it's heels followed hurt, anger, grief and disappointment all things I wasn't even conscious of feeling.  

At this time I had a dream with him and I in it just hanging out talking about old times.  I woke up and knew that if I wanted to have any type of friendship with him I would need to forgive him for hurting me so long ago.  I honestly, truely from the bottom of my heart forgave him. I thought I was forgiving him for him but something I didn't expect happened.  In forgiving him I freed myself from all the pain I carried around for years.  In forgiving him I was finally no longer stuck in the past.  In forgiving him I reclaimed myself worth.  In forgiving him I came to understand the abandonment I felt.  In forgiving him I realized our break up wasn't my fault.

In 2009 I dropped enough baggage to fill a storage container!  

I finally left my marriage and that turned out to be the best thing for all of us my son, my ex and me.  My son who was living with an alcoholic dad and depressed mom was now living with a health happy mom who was modeling a healthy life.  My ex had his 3rd DUI following our divorce, lost his job, driver's license and his retirement (for lawyer and court fees).  He hit rock bottom (no co-dependent enabler there to "manage" him any more).  He finally understood he is an alcoholic and has been sober the last 3 years.  Now my son can also be proud of his dad too.

I will always love that young man from my past both in spite of the things he's done and because of the things he's done.  I'm proud of my ex too for making changes and good choices.  What I'm most happy about is that I am free of them both and have a healed heart, a healed self image, healed capacity to trust, and the ability to love fully.

I have since met a lovely man that I'm crazy about, who is a partner to me, who is supportive, and caring.  I finally recognize and have the love I deserve.  Now if we could only do something about his uBPDxw  

Panda39, thank you for sharing. Your post moved me. This is truth.

Thank you.

[Vatz]

Somehow, I feel it would be presumptuous of me to "forgive." Everything she did, and *I* stayed around. No one had a gun to my head telling me to stay with her. So, I have nothing to forgive because I did nothing when she caused harm. Made my own bed, and slept in it for a while until she decided to leave. Now I have an empty bed, and years of bad memories peppered with really wonderful ones that leave me confused about the whole thing. Leave me in this point where I so desperately want her back, but know that it would be a terrible thing in an objective sense. My dreams of her tend to give me very painful insight into my memories of the relationship. Sure there were nice moments, but damn was there some sinister ___. Had I said "forget this" early on, who knows where I'd be. Irrelevant, is what it is.

BUT... .

I suppose for some people, forgiving their offender is important. Perhaps it's a way of letting go of what anger they hold on to the other person, it may help them move on with their lives. It may work better for the sort of people who don't direct their rage inward. Actually, I think I want to ask if anyone agrees (or disagrees) with this one. Thoughts?

[Turkish]

In the late 90s, after much conflict and soul searching, I gained the courage to forgive my mom for my childhood. She teared up, responded with a simple thank you. Shortly after, I movec 700 miles away, LC. It wasn't because of her that I moved, per se, having moved out of her house 8 years preciously, but due to a career move, which happened to coincide with me running from a woman who had some BPD traits, and with whom I had a close friendship that had lousy boundaries.

Just a few months ago, I my mom shared with me that one of her therapists 20 years ago gave her an unofficial dX of BPD. One would think that may have made me more empathetic, but my feelings were the opposite.

As disgusting as the cheating was by my uBPDx, and I take on some responsibility for emotionally abandonng her as she said (and she is right, regardless of her behaviors), I find her neglect and now half time "abandonement" of them desoicable. I confess that I am still stuck on this, despite the words of my T "accept her for who she is." Girlfriend first, mother second.

What I need to accept is that she is a person, who aside from the mirroring, who has different values than I do. How do I forgive that, by merely accepting it? Like AO said, my beliefs require that I forgive. I struggle with this, against my sense of justice. And deep down, with my mom also.

This is not a light thing to deal with for me.

[Aussie JJ]

This has been a hard topic for me.  I'm stuck a bit around forgiveness and everythign it entails.  I spent along time telling myself I had to forgive my ex and kept saying it was healthy for me to forgive her for being who she is and acting the way she does. 

I actually got sick of saying every time to myself constantly, I forgive you for XYZ.  Just little things constantly along the way.  It wasn't the one big thing or the 10 small things it was always having to forgive.  It was taking alot out of me constantly saying, its ok that she does this, she is like this.  This is ok, I shouldnt feel anger I should lower my expectations here and be happy with forgiveness. 

One of the books on radical acceptance I read had a great line in there basically saying to forgive is to give up a part of yourself every time that you have to say, I forgive you.  If you accept as opposed to forgive it is different. 

To accept that my exBPDgf is the way she is because of XYZ is sort or a bit more liberating, I am not implyign it is acceptable and lowering my expectations to an extent.  They sound the same however are very different to me on a personal level. 

I forgive you for hurting me constantly and continuing to try and hurt me.  I will let it keep hurting me but forgive you for it. 

I accept that you will continue to try and hurt me and have hurt me in the past.  I wont lower my standards and accept that you wont meet them. 

If I forgive constantly it is acknowledging it has had an affect and continues to do so.  To accept that it happened is to accept that it was in the past and I no longer have to give up part of me in forgiving her, I just accept she didnt meet my standards and will contiue to fall short of those I will hold myself to. 

I spent alot of personal time on this I would be interested on everyones views around it. 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

I still strugle with this on a daily basis actually in truth.  It is something that is very hard for me to keep going over. 

[Deeno02]

I still strugle with this on a daily basis actually in truth.  It is something that is very hard for me to keep going over. 

I will never forgive her. Ever. Why should I forgive her for using me? For pushing off the cliff, For the hurtful things that shattered this once confident man? For the hurtful things she said about my children? For calling me unlovable? For calling me Non-emotional? For lying? For saying that Im incapable of love? I dont care if she's ill or not. For some reason, I love her. Not sure why the hell that is, but I do. But I'm done. I want her to be a memory and I want her to be someone else's albatross(she is). Im taking my revenge on her by living a good life for me and my kids and eventually a good woman, who knows how to have a healthy relationship. And revenge is a dish best served cold.

[Raybo48]

I still strugle with this on a daily basis actually in truth.  It is something that is very hard for me to keep going over.  

I will never forgive her. Ever. Why should I forgive her for using me? For pushing off the cliff, For the hurtful things that shattered this once confident man? For the hurtful things she said about my children? For calling me unlovable? For calling me Non-emotional? For lying? For saying that Im incapable of love? I dont care if she's ill or not. For some reason, I love her. Not sure why the hell that is, but I do. But I'm done. I want her to be a memory and I want her to be someone else's albatross(she is). Im taking my revenge on her by living a good life for me and my kids and eventually a good woman, who knows how to have a healthy relationship. And revenge is a dish best served cold.

Well said deeno.  It's amazing, I was called much of what you just described.  It doesn't take long to get angry when I think about it and yea,  you're right we still love these women.  That's the million dollar question, why?   I've read a lot about this disorder and have read what the moderators have said in this thread and in others.  Bottom line, disorder or not they know what they are saying, and I don't believe for one second that they are oblivious to the fact that they are hurting people with their tongue.  Call it projection, call it shame, call it raging, I really don't care what it's called, in my mind it was intentional most of the time.   So since we are not pbdx and if we did half of that crap we should be forgiven?  They don't get a free pass because of the disorder... not in my book.

[Aussie JJ]

See thats the thing,

I cant forgive for it.  I know she is just denying her pain etc and everythign else.  I have read and read and will continue to read im sure about it to an extent.  No amount of understanding will justify the actions, I hope that makes scense?

To forgive though.  To me that is me saying that on some level it was ok.  I cant continually say that its ok. 

To accept that she wont meet my standards, and to have my standards high.  That is to say, she just doesnt meet my standards, not her fault, I acep she wont meet those standards.  I dont have to lower those and say ok she can meet these standards. 

I cant explain it properly, I find it easier to accept that she wont meet those standards I had of her than to lower those standards and forgive her.  Its sort of demening to me to say I forgive her. 

I dont know, a very complex topic that I sure dont have my head around at times.  Either way anger isnt healthy for me I know that much so what is the answer.   


AJJ

[Mutt]

I still strugle with this on a daily basis actually in truth.  It is something that is very hard for me to keep going over.  

Hi Aussie JJ,

I understand it's hard and I think that's why it's a process. Healthy anger is a part of grieving the death of the relationship and unbridled anger is unhealthy. I agree Aussie JJ, anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

We're talking about very difficult circumstances. I'd like to share her affair as an example. I was angry because of her actions and his actions as well.

The writing was on the wall. The marriage was bad. I couldn't end the marriage because I'm a codependent enabler. She ended it for me. He keeps her busy and keeps her chaos away. I can focus on taking care of me and the kids. That's what's important in my life.

[Raybo48]

See thats the thing,

I cant forgive for it.  I know she is just denying her pain etc and everythign else.  I have read and read and will continue to read im sure about it to an extent.  No amount of understanding will justify the actions, I hope that makes scense?

To forgive though.  To me that is me saying that on some level it was ok.  I cant continually say that its ok. 

To accept that she wont meet my standards, and to have my standards high.  That is to say, she just doesnt meet my standards, not her fault, I acep she wont meet those standards.  I dont have to lower those and say ok she can meet these standards. 

I cant explain it properly, I find it easier to accept that she wont meet those standards I had of her than to lower those standards and forgive her.  Its sort of demening to me to say I forgive her. 

I dont know, a very complex topic that I sure dont have my head around at times.  Either way anger isnt healthy for me I know that much so what is the answer.   


AJJ

I have no doubt my ex is denying great pain, in fact I know she is.  

This is a really hard topic to discuss because these people used us for their own personal/emotional gain for however long the rs lasted.  I  spent about 9% of my life getting used by my ex and I'm in the minority on this board when it comes to time spent with BPD partners.   That involves getting lied too, demeaned, systematically broken down mentally, cheated on, verbally abused, etc.   The only person I want to forgive out of this disaster is myself.  I want to grow as a person, find some self-worth in all of this and then sit down one day and tell myself it was OK... It was OK to fall in love with that person, it was OK to stay in the dysfunction for so long, and it was OK because I am a better person than what was painted by her over and over and over in order to make me feel like crap and make her feel good.    So the goal for me is to spend time and reflect and sit down one day and forgive Me   To forgive her? Why?  There is likely a 99.9% chance she will never ever change and she's horribly addicted to alcohol and if I sat here and told 1/4 of the stories that went on during her binges everyone would be in shock on what I dealt with.  I really do pity the future men in her life because she will systematically break them down to where they are a shell of their former self.  No, the only person that is worth really forgiving so I can move on is me.

[vortex of confusion]

This has been a hard topic for me.  I'm stuck a bit around forgiveness and everythign it entails.  I spent along time telling myself I had to forgive my ex and kept saying it was healthy for me to forgive her for being who she is and acting the way she does. 

I actually got sick of saying every time to myself constantly, I forgive you for XYZ.  Just little things constantly along the way.  It wasn't the one big thing or the 10 small things it was always having to forgive.  It was taking alot out of me constantly saying, its ok that she does this, she is like this.  This is ok, I shouldnt feel anger I should lower my expectations here and be happy with forgiveness. 

I too have struggled with the concept of forgiveness. During the summer, I kept beating myself up over the fact that I could not find it in me to forgive my husband. I felt like I needed to forgive him in order to stay with him. It was very agonizing for me. I spent one whole night researching information about forgiveness. In particular, I wanted permission to not forgive him.

I found this rather lengthy but very helpful article that says you can refuse to forgive but still be emotionally healthy and not violate religious values: www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199907/must-you-forgive

For me, not forgiving is a very subtle way of me regaining my power.

[Aussie JJ]

Well,

I am yet to finish with the court process and everything else.  I have a intervention order pending the courts and she just escalated it further with other issues that are a bit too specific to post.  Needless to say I'm at a bit of a crossroads myself.  I cant expect her to meet those standards of fair play and doing whats best for our son that I would expect from a normal person.  I have to hold myself to those standards however give her a free pass with forgiveness and maybe in some way forgiving to me will say that it is in some way acceptable for her to do that.  

If I accept that she wont meet those normal standards in regards to kids and what is best for them.  I am not saying in some way to myself that its ok to have lower standards.  Forgiveness to me is saying on some level its ok.  

I cant do that just yet.  


AJJ.  

[Aussie JJ]

The only person I want to forgive out of this disaster is myself.  

the goal for me is to spend time and reflect and sit down one day and forgive Me  

This is for me what forgiveness is about.  Not them, but ourselves.  This makes perfect sense to me. 

I can forgive myself for enabling etc.  I didnt understand. 

Forgiving her is a wasted effort, forgiveness implys growth or change on some level.  I accept that she wont anc cant do that.  She will be who she is for life. 



AJJ. 

[Mutt]

Hi Aussie JJ,

Forgiveness isn't giving her a free pass. That's condoning. I was in court as well and intend to use it again when and if circumstances arise. You're a good dad for being the voice for S. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is the opposite, it is strength.

[Raybo48]

The only person I want to forgive out of this disaster is myself.  

the goal for me is to spend time and reflect and sit down one day and forgive Me  

This is for me what forgiveness is about.  Not them, but ourselves.  This makes perfect sense to me. 

I can forgive myself for enabling etc.  I didnt understand. 

Forgiving her is a wasted effort, forgiveness implys growth or change on some level.  I accept that she wont anc cant do that.  She will be who she is for life. 



AJJ. 

I couldn't agree more AJJ.  

I'm not just guessing when it comes to my pbdx... There will be no growth/change/improvement on any level in her future.  She has said numerous times that therapy, AA, and anything of the sort is a "joke".  

She is stuck (a member said this last night) swirling the drain.  

Also, as much as I don't like thinking about her with other men, I know she will do to them what she did to me.   That's not worth forgiving either.

[Aussie JJ]

Hi Aussie JJ,

Forgiveness isn't giving her a free pass. That's condoning. I was in court as well and intend to use it again when and if circumstances arise. You're a good dad for being the voice for S. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is the opposite, it is strength.

I agree and disagree at the same time.  psychologicaly felexibility or something.  You are able to be flexible and change your thoughts not just black and white. 

I have to admit, I dont understand it yet, still working on this myself. 


AJJ. 

[vortex of confusion]

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is the opposite, it is strength.

One can be strong and still choose not to forgive. Choosing not to forgive is not about being weak. It is about being able to make a choice about what one feels is best for him/herself.

[Panda39]

My SO has not been able to forgive his uBPDxw and may never be able to... .it still remains to be seen.  But he has kids with her and still must have contact with her.  She continues her behaviors, continues to cause problems, and continues to be hurtful.  So I understand why he can't forgive he's still in it. 

I think there needs to be time, healing and distance before you can forgive, before you can see the person for what they are. The young man from my story is now a 52 year old man.  I was the longest relationship he has ever had. He is a seriel monogomist. His relationships tend to last 5 years or less. He is terrified of commitment.  Being his first relationship I had no history to reflect upon, I had no way of knowing this so I blamed myself for his leaving all those years ago.  Now I see him as a kind of tragic figure who is stuck in the never ending loop of relationships that never go anywhere.

In forgiving you never forget what that person did and the pain that person caused but it is a letting go of the the emotions tied to that pain... .The anger, the hurt, the sadness you let that go.

But like my SO I think many of you are still in it with your BPD person and you can't forgive because the pain is still coming or haven't had the time or emotional distance yet to forgive. This does not make you a bad person.  Even if you feel you should "Forgive" it takes time you can't force it.  But hopefully in the not so distant future you will be able to forgive because it is you that will ultimately benefit it can be very freeing.

[outside9x]

This is a tough one for me.  Usually, we forgive those, who at least acknowledges some blame or fault.

It's very hard, and I know it's a matter of their BPD, that they don't even see it or hide it and mask it, as they need to or else how esle can they move on. (which they do easily , until they hit a road block- no supply or get rejected)   I know my BPD blamed everyone, and I mean everyone, past lovers, husbands, and every family member (I saw that red flag, or flags and drove thru) for her being alone as she just gave and gave and they used her, or was so jealous of her beauty or brains, that they spread untrue rumors about her.  BUt how can everyone be wrong?

Anyway, that's the frustration on my part to totally forgive.  I can accept she doesn't and never will come clean , unless it's to her own advantage as wanting to come back and saying how she was a b___ and treated me etc, etc, but after awhile, especially if they get you back, they not only revert to their form, but deny again that anything was ever their fault, etc.

I do know the true meaning of forgiveness is to forgive regardless, but it's very hard, when you pour out everything you had, all you soul and your love, and they crushed it like that. Not even sseeing what they do .

I know I have a better time forgiving strangers that did me wrong of even peopel I know that did, then this.  I am trying, but its not forth coming.  I know they said, its the illness that they have that does this , but I know to they, (most) recognize what they did, but rather condemn the other then face themselves, so more get destroyed.

[nevertheless]

Yes forgiveness, my ex would ask me to forgive him all the time. We are both Christians and the bible talks about always forgiving. I can't count t the 100th of times he would ask and I would say of course I forgive you, only to sometime

S hours later do a mean or hurtful thing and ask again. I still think that forgiveness is important, he was more healing to me. Now that I finally went NC for now 2 months he texts me thank I need to ask him for forgiveness? What? I'm not the one that rages,breaks up once a week, I don't think he ever walked onto the house and had to try to guess why I'm in a bad mood.mmmmm I think he is the one that cheated while I was in the hospital. Oh well all I do now is now that he is gone I have more energy and have been so happy not worrisome that I'm saying the wrong thing more importantly blaming myself for his bad actions and moods.

[Mutt]

 I know they said, its the illness that they have that does this , but I know to they, (most) recognize what they did, but rather condemn the other then face themselves, so more get destroyed.

Hi outside9x,

It wasn't a matter of who is to blame or right or wrong. I forgave irregardless understanding that the other party isn't going to validate that I did. I understand the chaos and collateral damage. She also lacks impulse control and her behaviors are self-destructive. I chose to detach and stay out of her path.

[Lion Fire]

I was a victim of her abuse, constant manipulation and dishonesty. By leaving her, not going back and maintaining NC, I moved away from the victim role to being someone in recovery.

The process of moving into a space of forgiveness has been gradual and undulating for me. Like Mutt, I'm at a place now where I certainly don't wish her well but at the same time I don't wish her ill. There was a time a while back where I was so angry and bitter I wished dreadful things on her. These hateful feelings kept me blocked and disturbed.

Forgiveness for me does not mean I condone how she treated me. Neither does it mean I will let her back into my life. Forgiveness is about acceptance and just letting go of her and the dreadful pain that brought me to my knees during our relationship and after we split. Forgiveness is about peace and freedom. Although I would like it, I do not need her to apologise for me to forgive her and move on forever.

Hopefully I will come to a place of dispassion one day soon when I can look at this dark period of my life as one of my greatest lessons.

[fred6]

Bottom line, disorder or not they know what they are saying, and I don't believe for one second that they are oblivious to the fact that they are hurting people with their tongue.  Call it projection, call it shame, call it raging, I really don't care what it's called, in my mind it was intentional most of the time.  

Me and my exgf were at her parents house to eat dinner one night and I overheard a conversation she had with her step mother. I didn't catch the first part of the conversation or how it started. But my ex was telling her step mother that when people pissed her off or hurt her feelings that she wanted to hurt them and make them suffer. She said that she knew it was wrong, but made it made her feel better to let her feelings out and make the person feel bad. Then the next thing I knew, they were laughing hysterically about it.

My ex knows what she does to people. She knows that it's wrong. She just won't or can't control it for some reason. I know that she has some kind of mental problem, but not sure to what extent. She goes to church and talks about putting god first in her life. Well, if that's the case she must also know that she has free will and makes the choice to hurt people. She cheated on me, lied to me, and treated me like I didn't exist. Almost like I did something to her instead of her doing what she did to me. And she's still doing it. So, as much as I want to forgive her. At this point, I don't think that I can forgive her and don't foresee it in the future without some sort of "real" apology and closure from her. Maybe I'll change my tune down the road, but right now I don't see it happening.

[Infared]

This thread is fantastic... .I see that we all are in different or similar places in our process.  We all come from our own personal histories and are all "in process".  I found a book online that really helped to put a voice to my feelings and kind of suss out where I am and what I am willing/capable of doing regarding the process of forgiving... .

"How Can I Forgive You" by Janis A. Spring.  She describes the process, the pitfalls and the stages of the process of dealing with perhaps a situation or person that shows no remorse or ability to take any part in the process.    I find that for me, in my part of the journey that I am on the page for total acceptance but not forgiveness... .but we are all different so our individual capabilities vary with our FOO, spirituality and damage.    I am getting a lot from this thread knowing that there are many of you who feel just like I do after the aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD. That in and of itself is supportive and healing for me.  I get comfort out of knowing that many of you are going through the same struggles as I am... and also that there is no "right" answer to the process. It is definitely a personal journey for each of us. Thank you everyone for sharing from the heart!

[Panda39]

Lion Fire,

I really like what you've said here.

Forgiveness for me does not mean I condone how she treated me. Neither does it mean I will let her back into my life. Forgiveness is about acceptance and just letting go of her and the dreadful pain that brought me to my knees during our relationship and after we split. Forgiveness is about peace and freedom. Although I would like it, I do not need her to apologise for me to forgive her and move on forever.

Hopefully I will come to a place of dispassion one day soon when I can look at this dark period of my life as one of my greatest lessons.

Lion Fire the way I see it you are on the path.    It is about healing, growing, acceptance, and moving forward.  In many ways it isn't even about our ex's,  it's about us and processing all of the feelings we carry from these relationships... .grieving... .then letting go.  Maybe Forgiveness should be the "6th step" of the grieving process when grieving a broken relationship.

[MammaMia]

Forgiving someone who has hurt you does not mean that no boundaries are necessary.  Quite the contrary.

When you are able to forgive and move on, you must have boundaries that cannot be crossed for your own protection.

Who said you need to verbalize your forgiveness to them?  It is NOT meant to make them believe you are condoning bad behavior, nor is it meant to make them feel better.

To forgive them in your heart will make YOU feel better.

It is the emotional disconnect.  A positive way to get past a destructive relationship by accepting the illness, forgiving the illness, admitting it is over, and then making the choice to walk away.  

[Deeno02]

Forgiving someone who has hurt you does not mean that no boundaries are necessary.  Quite the contrary.

When you are able to forgive and move on, you must have boundaries that cannot be crossed for your own protection.

Who said you need to verbalize your forgiveness to them?  It is NOT meant to make them believe you are condoning bad behavior, nor is it meant to make them feel better.

To forgive them in your heart will make YOU feel better.

It is the emotional disconnect.  A positive way to get past a destructive relationship by accepting the illness, forgiving the illness, admitting it is over, and then making the choice to walk away.  

She walked away. Not me. When she walked away, she chose to torch me and my kids on her way out. I know shes ill. I know shes wired differently. No excuse for her to say ___ about my kids. Im fair game for her weirdness and idiotic, made up crap, but my kids loved her and in her mentally unhinged rage, she crossed the line, and for that, i will not forgive her. Ever. This is what will keep me from EVER reconnecting with her and her chaos.

[AwakenedOne]

I have thought about forgiveness most of this day after reading and commenting in this thread yesterday with a bit of stress actually. I again am trying to have some type of compassion and empathy for her although she treated me like an animal.

I am now recently divorced from her and as I spoke to a friend here lately I estimate that I am 95% detached. I am proud of my detachment and the self respect to stay away from a person who I once truly loved with all my heart.

Being highly detached from her is a comfortable state that I like. The dark cloud that rained feces is not over my city anymore. Yeah, she hurt herself. But yeah she physically hurt me also.  I'll have forgiveness one day though. It's going to probably be a one minute ceremony ritual to God and not thought of again or seldom. I guess the stress comes in at -> "If I forgive her shouldn't I have to eat lunch with her sometime and say hello if she initiates it or shouldn't I have to help jump start her vehicle or some other stuff if she grows a heart and decides to calls me?" I feel I was saved from being permanently disabled or even murdered by her. I can't see myself sharing one word with her ever. So that creates a stressfull thing with me of how to forgive. I am going to simply it. I will know what is best for me and not push this issue. Sometimes I think she is an evil snake. Sometimes I think she is a troubled soul. I'm not sure there is ever an answer to this. Maybe she's both. Who cares really though at this point. Despite her stealing all the money, taking the car, causing me to get fired, forcing me to drop out of school at a critical career moment and leaving me injured with no further future inquiry of did I recover from that injury... .I now have my dream job with the minimal education requirements for it because of my intense determination since being trashed. I don't want to even think about her really. I want to stay in Detachment City.

[Deeno02]

I have thought about forgiveness most of this day after reading and commenting in this thread yesterday with a bit of stress actually. I again am trying to have some type of compassion and empathy for her although she treated me like an animal.

I am now recently divorced from her and as I spoke to a friend here lately I estimate that I am 95% detached. I am proud of my detachment and the self respect to stay away from a person who I once truly loved with all my heart.

Being highly detached from her is a comfortable state that I like. The dark cloud that rained feces is not over my city anymore. Yeah, she hurt herself. But yeah she physically hurt me also.  I'll have forgiveness one day though. It's going to probably be a one minute ceremony ritual to God and not thought of again or seldom. I guess the stress comes in at -> "If I forgive her shouldn't I have to eat lunch with her sometime and say hello if she initiates it or shouldn't I have to help jump start her vehicle or some other stuff if she grows a heart and decides to calls me?" I feel I was saved from being permanently disabled or even murdered by her. I can't see myself sharing one word with her ever. So that creates a stressfull thing with me of how to forgive. I am going to simply it. I will know what is best for me and not push this issue. Sometimes I think she is an evil snake. Sometimes I think she is a troubled soul. I'm not sure there is ever an answer to this. Maybe she's both. Who cares really though at this point. Despite her stealing all the money, taking the car, causing me to get fired, forcing me to drop out of school at a critical career moment and leaving me injured with no further future inquiry of did I recover from that injury... .I now how my dream job with the minimal education requirements for it because of my intense determination since being trashed. I don't want to even think about her really. I want to stay in Detachment City.

How did you detach?