Divorcing with two young kids -- do you regret it?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

I originally posted this topic in the "co-parenting" board but, on second thought, think it's more appropriate for this board.  Basically, I'd like to get feedback from those who have young kids and have divorced their BPD spouses to see--on the whole--what you think about your decision to get a divorce.  Are you glad that you did?  How long did it take for any feelings of guilt on your end to subside and for you to feel confident that you made the right decision?  Are the difficulties of single/co-parenting worth the absence of all the troubles that go along with having a BPD spouse?  Is the 50% loss in custodial time made up for the quality of time you have with your kids when you see them?  Are you happier overall?  Any other advice or words of wisdom for someone in my situation--someone who really loves his young kids and the idea of an intact family, but is currently being made miserable by his uBPDw?

My situation is this.  I'm in my mid-30's, have been with my uBPDw for 10 years, married for six, and have two kids under the age of three.  For years I thought my wife was just overly sensitive and emotional and just difficult but over the last year the manipulation, guilt tripping, and verbal abuse have escalated dramatically.  I learned about BPD earlier this year and am convinced my wife meets the criteria of a high functioning BPD.  I've been seeing a very good therapist for about 5 months now who specializes in BPD and--though she can't legally give an official diagnosis of someone she hasn't met--is basically convinced my wife has BPD.  My T has been emphatic in pointing out that my wife will not get better unless she seeks intensive therapy and, even with such treatment, I will have to live with the chaos of having a BPDw for the rest of my life unless I leave her.  My T has said that based on the stress she has seen me undergo, she thinks I could have serious health (i.e., stroke) and other issues unless I leave.  Family is very, very important to me and all I really want is for people to get along, but based on a number of recent events, my family (ie., my parents and siblings) has said they will have nothing more to do with my uBPDw and my wife has said she hates my family and wants nothing to do with them.  (She is furious that she learned they were mad at her for yelling at and even slapping my oldest son and that they thought I should file for divorce).  I love my kids more than anything and very often my wife is a great mother, but I often cringe at how harsh and demanding she is with my 2.5 year old for normal toddler things (not eating quickly, making a mess, etc.).  I know divorce would mean seeing my kids half as much, but then again I would be able to offer them the compassion and upbringing I think is appropriate, without being told I'm "spoiling" them.  If I had no kids, I'd be out of here in a heartbeat--but the idea of single parenting is honestly a new and scary concept for me.

Thank you very much for your feedback.  I really appreciate it.

[terranova79]

Hi everyone,

I originally posted this topic in the "co-parenting" board but, on second thought, think it's more appropriate for this board.  Basically, I'd like to get feedback from those who have young kids and have divorced their BPD spouses to see--on the whole--what you think about your decision to get a divorce.  Are you glad that you did?  How long did it take for any feelings of guilt on your end to subside and for you to feel confident that you made the right decision?  Are the difficulties of single/co-parenting worth the absence of all the troubles that go along with having a BPD spouse?  Is the 50% loss in custodial time made up for the quality of time you have with your kids when you see them?  Are you happier overall?  Any other advice or words of wisdom for someone in my situation--someone who really loves his young kids and the idea of an intact family, but is currently being made miserable by his uBPDw?

My situation is this.  I'm in my mid-30's, have been with my uBPDw for 10 years, married for six, and have two kids under the age of three.  For years I thought my wife was just overly sensitive and emotional and just difficult but over the last year the manipulation, guilt tripping, and verbal abuse have escalated dramatically.  I learned about BPD earlier this year and am convinced my wife meets the criteria of a high functioning BPD.  I've been seeing a very good therapist for about 5 months now who specializes in BPD and--though she can't legally give an official diagnosis of someone she hasn't met--is basically convinced my wife has BPD.  My T has been emphatic in pointing out that my wife will not get better unless she seeks intensive therapy and, even with such treatment, I will have to live with the chaos of having a BPDw for the rest of my life unless I leave her.  My T has said that based on the stress she has seen me undergo, she thinks I could have serious health (i.e., stroke) and other issues unless I leave.  Family is very, very important to me and all I really want is for people to get along, but based on a number of recent events, my family (ie., my parents and siblings) has said they will have nothing more to do with my uBPDw and my wife has said she hates my family and wants nothing to do with them.  (She is furious that she learned they were mad at her for yelling at and even slapping my oldest son and that they thought I should file for divorce).  I love my kids more than anything and very often my wife is a great mother, but I often cringe at how harsh and demanding she is with my 2.5 year old for normal toddler things (not eating quickly, making a mess, etc.).  I know divorce would mean seeing my kids half as much, but then again I would be able to offer them the compassion and upbringing I think is appropriate, without being told I'm "spoiling" them.  If I had no kids, I'd be out of here in a heartbeat--but the idea of single parenting is honestly a new and scary concept for me.

Thank you very much for your feedback.  I really appreciate it.

[hope2727]

I can only tell you from the perspective of a kid. My mom left my dad (udBPD BP and who knows what else) at almost 40 years of marriage and many kids. I was SOO relieved. I hated the cold war and walking on egg shells. We fled on about 10 minutes notice to a shack in the woods and lived like pioneers for 2 years.

We learned to laugh and talk and have fun again. My dad could't stand for anyone to be having to much fun. We rode horses and make camp fires and played baseball and stayed up late reading aloud and walked in the forest and just breathed again. I am grateful every single day that she left him. She never regretted it. She told me she wished she had left him prior to having her last 2 kids (one of which is me ) . That she knew she had to leave years before she actually did.

So food for thought.

[vortex of confusion]

I definitely want to follow this thread as I have four kids (13 and under) and I am very much in the same boat as you Terranova. Having an in tact family is very important to me but I also cannot imagine myself spending the rest of my life with my husband. I want to leave but am trying to be very careful about how I approach everything as I want to create the least trauma for my kids as possible.

[Tibbles]

Hi

My story is married for 30yrs with two grown up kids. I stayed for the same reasons you gave. Family unit was everything to me. The kids were so pleased when I left. Things got really bad when the oldest hit the teenage years - wanting to distance himself from the family and the BPD kicked in and this became personal rejection. Life became a whole new type of hell for everyone. Both kids live with me. I never realised how damaged they had become by living in such a toxic environment. They both have panic and anxiety issues as a result. I wish so much I had had the strength to leave earlier, for their sake and mine. If I had left earlier I would be better off financially etc and they would have had a safe home to live in. I will always regret I didn't give them a safe home.

I left twice. First time very unprepared and came back. That did more damage to my youngest than anything. So my advice is if you are thinking of leaving - get prepared - financially, housing etc. A safe stable home is what your kids will need and that will take preparation. If you go you will be a basket case for awhile ( you will feel heaps better for it but as this board shows its not an easy journey) and you need to protect your kids from the fall out of that as much as you can. One nutty parent is enough.

The only plus I can think of out of all of it is that the three of us are very close, we banded together to survive. The kids have great personal strengths from the whole experience (as well as weaknesses) and I am very proud of both of them, to have turned out the way they have.

From my kids view - they can't believe I stayed so long, they are soo pleased to be free. They have chosen to cut all contact with their Dad. For me a part of me still struggles with leaving the family unit - it was the core of who I was. I think I will always cling to the dream I had for my marriage and family life. Its just that now I am coming to accept that that was a dream I had built in my head and was not based on the reality of the situation at all. Good luck

[going places]

I stayed.

I KNEW if I didn't, he would pick some trash queen; and I didn't want my kids around that.

Sure enough... .he was having an affair... .with the exact description of a woman. Trash queen. Ironic.

Anyway. Kids are grown now.

I spent my life and entire existence protecting them, guiding them, teaching them, and training them... .

In my opinion, if you are divorcing her because of her illness, then you should seek full custody of the children to protect them. Not leave them all alone with her. Right now, you are their only chance at normal.

Stand up for the children. They have no 'voice or say so' at their ages. You are their protector.

[clydegriffith]

While i was never married to the BPDx, we do have a 3 year old daughter and she has 3 other young kids (6,5 and a newborn) from two other guys. Things pretty much started going to hell just a few months after our daughter was born. I put up with so much because i wanted to make things work for my child and i always wanted to have a real family. In my case that turned out to be a big mistake because BPDx just kept pushing and pushing her behavior to more extreme levels knowing i would always take her back. I was falsely arrested numerous times, physicallly and mentally abused on a regular basis and cheated on with god knows how many people. I ended up breaking it off for good because the cheating was just so blatant and too much for me to handle but i'm kind of glad it got to that because if she hadn't been cheating like that i probably would have stayed and endured everything else and become a shell of a man.

Also, the situation with my daughter is a bit complicated as BPDx had to move back home, 7 hours away after b/u. As things go right now i see my daughter a couple of times a week via facetime when she is with her grandmother and i only physically get here for 3-4 days every couple of months. I've weighted the pros and cons of everything and while this is very difficult for me i believe it's what's best for the time being.