If she dies what am I going to do?

[kharma]

well, my nmother is losing sight in one of her eyes.  Now, I dont necessarily take joy in knowing this but I do feel like kharma has a way of kicking someone in the ass. If you read my post history you can see that she is a very abusive mother, physically and emotionally. She never took care of her health, and had issues with her eyes for a while but never told anyone until it got so bad that she had to see an eye doctor

For awhile, she backed off of me and left me alone. The rages, and never ending nagging ceased. But now that she is getting closer to her eye surgery date, & she has been raising hell all the time. Constantly nagging, being mean, abusive, and all around a pain in the ass.  Complaining that I work too much, knowing full and well that if i were unemployed she'd be beating me up about it. But kharma is catching up with her.

Right now, I'm really confused and worried. My nmother has held me back so long--not allowing me to leave for college when I was 18, threatening me physically and being emotionally manipulative whenever I tried to gain independence in my younger years. She even beat me up when I was taking courses to get into nursing school.  And now, that Im getting older, over 25, she's getting sick, and where will that leave me? Im starting to get angry. She barely wants me to work the jobs i have now. she's such an evil person. If she dies on me, what am I going to do?

[clljhns]

Hi Kharma,

Right now, I'm really confused and worried.

I can hear your pain and confusion in your post. I know where you are coming from. It is so difficult to love someone with BPD, and yet we still do. I still love my mother, in spite of all the years of abuse and unhappiness. It was those brief moments of love that kept me going back. It took me years to understand that, while, it wasn't really love, it was all she had to offer. I think coming to that realization helped me to see her in a different light. I don't have contact with her, and haven't for years, but I still think of her and wish for a relationship that will never be.

Is there anyone else in the family who can offer help with your mother? From your statement, it sounds as if you feel alone and obligated to take care of her. Is there also a chance that you might feel guilty if you don't help her? There are many other options for her healthcare and assistance through this tough health transition. Is it possible to ask her healthcare providers for help?

If she dies on me, what am I going to do?

Tell me a little more about this statement. Are you getting help to deal with these feelings? Therapist or trusted friend?

Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated.

Peace and blessings. 

[kharma]

Hi Kharma,

Right now, I'm really confused and worried.

I can hear your pain and confusion in your post. I know where you are coming from. It is so difficult to love someone with BPD, and yet we still do. I still love my mother, in spite of all the years of abuse and unhappiness. It was those brief moments of love that kept me going back. It took me years to understand that, while, it wasn't really love, it was all she had to offer. I think coming to that realization helped me to see her in a different light. I don't have contact with her, and haven't for years, but I still think of her and wish for a relationship that will never be.

You articulated exactly how I feel. when I discovered that my mother was beginning to lose sight in one of her eyes, i was very concerned and scared. I dont want ANY human being to suffer. Even though she has been cruel to me, I still care. It's so weird

Is there anyone else in the family who can offer help with your mother? From your statement, it sounds as if you feel alone and obligated to take care of her. Is there also a chance that you might feel guilty if you don't help her? There are many other options for her healthcare and assistance through this tough health transition. Is it possible to ask her healthcare providers for help?

My father helps out a lot.(he also is a narc) but he has made it clear to me that if my mother were to ever die, he would not help me financially at all. he will not put me in a will to get the house or any assets if he dies and i will have to find a way for myself. he's pretty mean to me as well

If she dies on me, what am I going to do?

Tell me a little more about this statement. Are you getting help to deal with these feelings? Therapist or trusted friend?

Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated.

Peace and blessings.  

no, i dont have anyone to talk to about this. im really concerned. if she were to pass, i still dont  have enough money to live on my own yet.

I recently talked to NMom about going back to nursing school, and she gets REALLY angry and doesn't want me to go back. I dont understand. She's so selfish. I need to do this because if something happens to her I need a career to keep me afloat.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Kharma,

It sounds like you and me have the same mother and I guess we really do because BPD manifests so similarly in mothers.  I can really hear and feel your pain because my mother has been ill recently, too, and facing surgery and the stress of this is really exacerbating her BPD and she went on an awful tirade earlier tonight that still has me spinning.

But, listen, you say you're 25? Well, that's why I wanted to reach out to you.  I'm 45 and it wasn't until a few months ago that I learned about BPD and have begun my healing journey. But you - you have so much ahead of you.  I've gotten so much out of therapy and also attending Adult Children of Alcoholics because that program also deals with "children of dysfunction" and many people have borderline parents.

I know that fear that you're feeling - that fear of what you'll do if your mother passes.  I am in the same boat with an NPD stepfather who I'm not sure would take care of me the way my uBPDm does financially if she were to go first.   I know that fear - and it's awful.  It causes such horrible anxiety and depression.  Trust me, I completely understand what you're thinking and feeling right now.

That's why I just want to suggest - lightly - start making a list.  What do you need to get your own place?  What if you got a roommate?  How about saving money?  How long would it take to get first month's security and a few months rent saved up?  Take control of your finances.  If you're not sure how, please research women's organizations in your community because many of them offer classes on financial planning for free for women and there are also a ton of web resources for this.  Start to learn about money management.  Suze Orman's books are very helpful.  Start thinking about this and try to plan.  We live in the "fog" because of our BPDm's, so I know how hard this is, but if you can just start thinking about it then that thinking can lead to action. 

Even if you never move out and everything turns out fine with your mom - which will probably being the case - you are going to have a great sense of security and freedom if you have a few bucks in the bank and know that you could move out if you wanted to.  And, I want to tell you something that I learned a little too late so maybe it will help you.  Our uBPDm's are dealing with a serious mental illness - a disease - they are not their disease, but they have a debilitating disease.  This disease results in a lot of bullying, manipulations and sometimes even outright lying.  SO, you gotta do what you gotta do, and don't discount lying to your mom.  Think of it as a sin of omission.  You don't have to tell her everything you do and think - in fact, it's better if you don't.  For me, this means not telling my mother how much money I make and putting the extra in a bank account so that I can have the same sense of security that I'm advising you to build for yourself.  Take good care of yourself.  You deserve a good life.  You're not responsible for your mom's mental illness.

[kharma]

Hi Kharma,

It sounds like you and me have the same mother and I guess we really do because BPD manifests so similarly in mothers.  I can really hear and feel your pain because my mother has been ill recently, too, and facing surgery and the stress of this is really exacerbating her BPD and she went on an awful tirade earlier tonight that still has me spinning.

But, listen, you say you're 25? Well, that's why I wanted to reach out to you.  I'm 45 and it wasn't until a few months ago that I learned about BPD and have begun my healing journey. But you - you have so much ahead of you.  I've gotten so much out of therapy and also attending Adult Children of Alcoholics because that program also deals with "children of dysfunction" and many people have borderline parents.

I know that fear that you're feeling - that fear of what you'll do if your mother passes.  I am in the same boat with an NPD stepfather who I'm not sure would take care of me the way my uBPDm does financially if she were to go first.   I know that fear - and it's awful.  It causes such horrible anxiety and depression.  Trust me, I completely understand what you're thinking and feeling right now.

That's why I just want to suggest - lightly - start making a list.  What do you need to get your own place?  What if you got a roommate?  How about saving money?  How long would it take to get first month's security and a few months rent saved up?  Take control of your finances.  If you're not sure how, please research women's organizations in your community because many of them offer classes on financial planning for free for women and there are also a ton of web resources for this.  Start to learn about money management.  Suze Orman's books are very helpful.  Start thinking about this and try to plan.  We live in the "fog" because of our BPDm's, so I know how hard this is, but if you can just start thinking about it then that thinking can lead to action. 

Even if you never move out and everything turns out fine with your mom - which will probably being the case - you are going to have a great sense of security and freedom if you have a few bucks in the bank and know that you could move out if you wanted to.  And, I want to tell you something that I learned a little too late so maybe it will help you.  Our uBPDm's are dealing with a serious mental illness - a disease - they are not their disease, but they have a debilitating disease.  This disease results in a lot of bullying, manipulations and sometimes even outright lying.  SO, you gotta do what you gotta do, and don't discount lying to your mom.  Think of it as a sin of omission.  You don't have to tell her everything you do and think - in fact, it's better if you don't.  For me, this means not telling my mother how much money I make and putting the extra in a bank account so that I can have the same sense of security that I'm advising you to build for yourself.  Take good care of yourself.  You deserve a good life.  You're not responsible for your mom's mental illness.

Currently I have been saving every penny, from my two jobs. But right now, I'm not sure if I should give nursing school a second shot or just save up and move out for good? I do call center type of work and these type of jobs are very metrics based, what if I get let go and have a hard time supporting myself ? The idea scares me

[jmanvo2015]

Kharma,

I can't really answer that question for you because it wouldn't be right for me to do so since I don't fully understand your situation and probably you are more asking yourself than me, right?  What I would ask you though is how bad is it with your mom? Is it tolerable?  Can you put tools in place to make it more tolerable, as I am doing, such as this board, books about BPD so you can understand and respond or not respond better to her behavior, support groups, a therapist, meditation, yoga, etc?  Good job on saving every penny - that is very smart of you! I have learned on these boards that some people need to go "NC" - no contact - with their BPD relative in order to heal.  Others don't need to do that.  I am not sure if I had ever had the courage to go NC with my uBPDm if I might not have some of the problems I now have. I just know in my heart that I could never do that. I always think about the 50 percent of my mom that is good - the part of her that is not the disease of BPD - and I know I would miss that part of her.

Healing is a process and one I'm going through myself.  It seems there are a lot of ups and downs.  Is it possible for you to go to nursing school while you still live with your mom and not fully divulge that you're going for it so that you don't spark her BPD?  Is there any way to kind of do it on the sly or minimize it so she doesn't perceive it as a threat to your dependence on her?

[clljhns]

Hi kharma,

I don't know if you have looked into scholarships and financial aid for school. There are many scholarships available. Your financial aid office at the university should be able to give you this information. You might also look into a work study program on the campus at the university. I did a work study program and was able to make a little money while I attended college. Are you currently living at home? Would it be possible to look into campus housing as part of a scholarship?

Also, there should be counseling services available on campus. Usually these services are free to students.

Hang in there! We are all rooting for you! Keep us updated.

Peace and blessings. 

[Rbrdkyst4]

Hi Kharma!

the thought of being independent from such horrible abuse is EXCEPTIONALLY scary. I know the feeling. The advice from everyone here is so good that I can only contribute the following:

1) a therapist told me to repeat the following when I felt overwhelmed or panicky or distressed during my move towards independence is "I'm okay. Everything is fine. Everything will work out"

2) memorize the following, it's the "Litany Against Fear" by Frank Herbert, the writer of the Dune books

I must not fear

Fear is the mindkiller

Fear is the little death that leads to total obliteration

I will face my fear

I will permit it to pass over me and through me

And when the fear has gone I will turn the inner eye to see its path

Where the fear has gone there is nothing

Only I remain

These help me retain my confidence in myself and encourage me to press on. Talking to people about this is incredibly helpful too. I hope this little bit helps you in some way. You CAN do nursing, and I'm sure you will be a great nurse.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi kharma

I feel for you and the scary place you feel in right now.

The others have made some very very good suggestions.

It's realistic to plan for the future. Being financially dependent is one way of being codependent and often narcissistic parents use it for a hook. It IS scary to change but it gets easier faster. i have stopped taking money from my mother just this year and I am amazed to see the change in her attitude. That alone can help strengthen you.

As far as decisions about your nursing course, clljhns asks a good question -  is there a guidance counsellor at the institution you can talk to? Whilst obviously the nursing course is important, so is your financial stability.

I would also wonder if you are worrying about that aspect in order to not look to closely at the other aspects of your r/ship with your mother? If you have been codependent (and I have until this year) it is amazing how much your own identity can be wrapped up in theirs and your fear of their dying is much much more enhanced than if you have a separateness and an independence of spirit.

I used to feel that if my mother died I wouldn't survive it. i see that this is because a part of me would die - perhaps the biggest part of me.

I would encourage you to look over the material on codependence and  what healthy r/ships are. You would be surprised who might be willing to help you if you weren't accepting help form your mother!

here are the links:

Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Article 15: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Ziggiddy

[kharma]

Things are not getting any better for me.  :'(

mom's health is not getting any better. also mom, dad, and sister all routinely gang up on me.  typical mob mentality. dad gets aggressive with his anger towards me when they are around. there's no one to defend me. i have no one who loves me. my dad has tarnished my reputation with my half-brothers, aunts, uncles, etc. even next door neighboors. my sister's husband also partakes in this by ostracizing me.   typical smear campaign. the plumber stopped by a few weeks ago and dad was bad mouthing me to the plumber.   its to the point that i feel like i need to flee my city. i had a nervous breakdown today cause there is no one on my side. i know everyone is telling me to save up and move out but i am scared and dont know if i can manage on my own.

[clljhns]

kharma,

So sorry to hear about these recent events. Do you have a friend that you can turn to? Someone that you can stay with until you can get on your feet? Have you looked into campus housing and financial aid? I know that you are under so much stress, that you probably aren't even thinking about these things. I know what it feels like to be stuck, and unable to move forward. Maybe you can start with a small step, like talking with a friend. Perhaps, if you speak to one of your half-brothers, they can offer some help.

Wishing you peace and blessings. Hang in there!