First post: did I just experience a BPD partner?

[divinehammer]

Hi. I discovered bpdfamily while Googling around to better understand the devastating breakup I experienced this past summer. The traits I observed and the abrupt and almost nonsensical nature of the breakup made so little sense, I have felt like I've been on bad acid for the last 4-5 months. Digging deeper, I'm wondering if my girlfriend suffers from BPD.

To summarize:

Last November 2013, I was a 38 year old male who had been through a tough divorce. I had little optimism about women and hadn't dated in 2 years.

One night randomly at a bar, a cute 30 year woman with a Slavic accent struck up a conversation with me. Turns out she was Ukrainian, had moved to the US when she was 17, and was brand new to my town. We spent the weekend going around town, watching movies. We kissed and I felt attracted to someone in a way I hadn't felt since college. She was cool, low key, hilarious and intellectually curious. I couldn't believe my luck. It was like everything she did and said was intended to fit perfectly with me.

Throughout the winter, we spent every moment together. We hibernated, watched movies, cooked and had a lot of sex. Neither of us had ever had that exciting a sex life. She was extremely submissive and permissive. She always wanted to be spanked, something new to me, but I didn't know what else to feel other than excited and lucky.

We both felt dopey for months like it was relationship we'd wanted forever. It was almost a narcotic effect. She wore my clothes around the house. She smelled my clothes and wanted to take them home so she could sleep in them. We had our own little cute vocabulary. I spoiled her a lot and we mostly talked about her and her life and her job and various dramas. I also realized that talking about anything of real emotional nature made her uncomfortable, cynical or sarcastic. But we'd still made plans for our future.

By spring the Ukraine situation became worse and she fixated on that, as well as a very stressful job at the local hospital. She referenced previous relationships, which had all sounded chaotic and not very loving or emotionally deep. I realized she'd moved to 5 different cities in 5 years. Slowly I could tell she held onto a lot of extreme anxiety. Every day she seemed to blurt out a different plans and fantasies - let's move to Europe, let's move to NYC, I want to learn new languages, I want a new career, etc. Yet we didn't talk concretely about our future as much together. I picked up on a lot of immaturity and escapist behavior, but our physical attraction was extremely strong, plus we'd never had so much fun with a partner.

But I also noticed I was doing all the favors, fixing things for her, attending to her daily needs (my computer's broken, my phone's broken, i need help signing up for insurance, etc). I would bring her home-cooked meals at the hospital. But I also observed that she never verbally complimented me or really went out or her way to do anything for me. She was constantly late or changing plans.

By May we still seemed happy every time we hung out. But one night she called out of the blue and broke up with me. The reasons were very muddled. Her job, Ukraine situation, she "didn't see a future for us" all of a sudden, it was "just easier" for her to be alone. I was beside myself. I talked her back into getting together this summer and we hung out 1-2 times a week, had dates, had sex, seemed blissful together. But I knew it was tentative.

In July she broke up with me for about the 4th time and said she ultimately didn't know what she wanted in life and it wasn't fair to string me along. I sat on that information for a few weeks, initiated meeting up a couple times where we sort of seemed affectionate. But then she dropped contact. And making things much, much worse, one night I bumped into her at a bar with her legs in the lap of a total stranger, someone she'd apparently met the prior week randomly at a coffee shop. Just like she'd met me. I got this icy feeling, like I'd never really "known" her at all.

Since September, we have since been out of touch. I sent a final email that repressed anger and basically said, I understand, but I also think you are always on the run and you have run away from something very good, but I still loved you for exactly who you were. I never heard back. I had been "the first person she'd ever loved", she'd said, but now I feel like a minor passing character in her life.

Since then my morale has been extremely low. She is the type to turn cold and burn bridges, from what I gleaned from her previous relationships. I cannot fight for her. But I cannot get over the idea I lost something very important, however bad for me. And I'm feeling, at my age, it may never happen again. I cannot seem to talk myself into a more positive frame of mind.


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I would love any feedback on my experience. I'm very happy to find a forum for this.

[divinehammer]

And I guess I have another question. Now that I have observed this woman fits nearly every trait of BPD and was always implying to me she needed a shrink or "didn't know what was wrong with her" — should I talk to her about this? Is that ever healthy?

[camuse]

BPD or not, it's not what's important. Her actions are important.

She has almost all the traits of BPD, so she is not a stable person, not a suitable person for a relationship.

The question is, why do you feel so bad about it?

You say at 38 you feel like you cannot meet anyone else? That sounds very negative - did you think you couldn't do better than her, that you had to accept such abusive treatment and weren't worthy of more respect and consideration?

What does this all teach you? How are you going to learn and grow now?

[divinehammer]

BPD or not, it's not what's important. Her actions are important.

Yes. But part of finding clarity for me is understanding it's a holistic set of behaviors that have been identified as BPD. It gives me closure to think that it wasn't something I did or could have avoided.

The question is, why do you feel so bad about it?

I got swept up in how enthusiastic she seemed about me a year ago. And it's kind of haunting me to think none of it was real.

You say at 38 you feel like you cannot meet anyone else? That sounds very negative - did you think you couldn't do better than her, that you had to accept such abusive treatment and weren't worthy of more respect and consideration?

It's more a matter of this (and previous relationships) have harmed my outlook and self-esteem, combined with the fact I don't meet many women anymore at my age, and the overall feeling is one of loneliness.

What does this all teach you? How are you going to learn and grow now?

Don't know yet. That's why I'm here to discuss it 

[Waifed]

Your story is eerily similar to mine.  I can't diagnose her but the symptoms are there for sure.  I can relate to almost everything you said and I too was floored towards the end of the relationship at her behavior.  Sadly we feel like we met our soul mates only to find that they had a totally different perspective on life.  Firstly, nothing you have done would have ultimately changed the outcome of the relationship short of maybe becoming a doormat and allowing her to come and go as she pleased.  In time you will see that red flags probably existed in her behavior that you could have picked up on and probably ignored.  It hurts so deeply when these relationships end and it is as though they move one without any regard for you or your feelings.  Unfortunately people like this do exist and there is really nothing we can do except pick up the pieces and move on.  It takes time to recover and if you are able I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist so that you can understand what you have gone through and how to prevent entering another toxic relationship.  You are only 38 years old.  You have lots of time to find a good partner, but you have to put yourself in the position to identify what is healthy and what is not.  There are a lot of articles on this site that are worth reading that will explain a ton about BPD behaviors and how we get involved and stay longer than we should.  I would recommend a book called "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody.  She also has a great book called "Facing Love Addiction".  The books might not apply totally to your personality but they do help you to identify some of the things that may get you into a relationship like this.  

Don't feel bad.  You are not the first person to get yourself into a relationship like this.  This board is full of them.  We are all here to help one another through this.  You will be OK, but it will take time to get your head clear.  Be patient, stay busy doing something that makes you happy and work on making yourself happy and improving your self esteem.  BTW, I'm 48 and was in a 3 year relationship that was so similar to yours.  I have not had contact with her in 14 months and I feel great now.  It took time though.  I hit rock bottom after the relationship and felt depressed, angry, and had lost all of my self esteem.  Its what they do to us.  It gets better, I promise! Good luck and feel free to contact me through PM if you would like.  You have come to a good place to start recovering from this.  

[divinehammer]

Thanks Waifed, it does help a lot to hear about similar experiences. I just cannot get over the extreme black/white contrast of how enamored of me she seemed a year ago, and honestly pretty much right up until the final day, and then as soon as she said, "I don't see a future for us" it was like she drifted into the atmosphere, cold, hard, disinterested.

It also strikes me as so strange to think of the men she's dated. What I know know of all of us, our interests, looks, personalities, etc, there's almost no pattern. It's like she'll take up a relationship with whoever crosses her path, build up their expectations, get in too deep, then bail.

I am still curious if any of you have spoken with an ex about their perceived BPD symptoms and how they reacted.

[Waifed]

Thanks Waifed, it does help a lot to hear about similar experiences. I just cannot get over the extreme black/white contrast of how enamored of me she seemed a year ago, and honestly pretty much right up until the final day, and then as soon as she said, "I don't see a future for us" it was like she drifted into the atmosphere, cold, hard, disinterested.

It also strikes me as so strange to think of the men she's dated. What I know know of all of us, our interests, looks, personalities, etc, there's almost no pattern. It's like she'll take up a relationship with whoever crosses her path, build up their expectations, get in too deep, then bail.

I am still curious if any of you have spoken with an ex about their perceived BPD symptoms and how they reacted.

It is very strange how they can cut ties and run.  It hurts because you feel like you really never mattered to them except as a need.  After 14 months following the relationship I can look at things more clearly and see that at first she thought she had found her soul mate.  Once she realized I wasn't perfect she stuck around since I was taking care of her needs, but I would imagine that she began looking for her next host. When I started questioning her behavior and seeing the red flags she started to fear that I was going to leave her and she became desperate to find someone else.  I caught her cheating and I was done.  I would guess that this pattern has and will continue the rest of her life.  There is nothing I can do to change her behavior.  She has to be the one to decide and even then she will never be able to meet my real needs.  Its always about them.  

I have not spoken to my ex about her symptoms.  I was told by a psychiatrist that I went to see two weeks after we broke up that she was likely BPD.  I sent her a text offering to pay for her to see a therapist about it and she reacted by calling the police on me.  It is pointless to call them out on this.  The only positive is that she knows that I am on to her so she will probably never contact me again.  I am no longer of any use to her.  That's OK because she was never really any use to me either.

[Shell shock]

It is quite similar in intensity to my relationship and the abrupt end to it. I didn't pick up on her behavior as BPD until I discussed the specifics with my therapist. I'm sorry for your loss, but relationships with BPDs, while insanely and wonderfully intense, only decay not grow. Like you, I felt near the last 1/3 of the relationship, I was putting in 90% if the work to sustain it. It's brutal because you pour your heart and soul into the relationship only to look at an empty bed at night.

All I can say is that good friends, family, a therapist, and most importantly time are the salves that heal the heart. I'm in my mid 40s and had similar feelings that I may have missed my "one opportunity ". But I'm blessed that I didn't waste more years in what would become a dead end.

Good luck, and use this forum to bridge those lonley times. Heed the advice of NC despite the extreme difficulty of it.

[camuse]

Thanks Waifed, it does help a lot to hear about similar experiences. I just cannot get over the extreme black/white contrast of how enamored of me she seemed a year ago, and honestly pretty much right up until the final day, and then as soon as she said, "I don't see a future for us" it was like she drifted into the atmosphere, cold, hard, disinterested.

It also strikes me as so strange to think of the men she's dated. What I know know of all of us, our interests, looks, personalities, etc, there's almost no pattern. It's like she'll take up a relationship with whoever crosses her path, build up their expectations, get in too deep, then bail.

I am still curious if any of you have spoken with an ex about their perceived BPD symptoms and how they reacted.

Sounds like you could benefit from a few hours reading here!

Sounds like you were idealised, handed your self worth over to her, then had it trashed.

Sounds like you were a shiny toy for her yo use for a while to supply her emotional needs, who was discarded when finished with.

Sounds like she doesn't mind who supplies her needs, anyone will do.

Some here have spoken as you suggest, it is never ever received well.


If you read around here, you will find many very similar stories to yours - the pattern is almost always very similar. You will learn that it had nothing to do with you, that it wasn't real, that it was always hopeless, and that you contributed in some way. It will take a long while for this to fully sink in, that you meant nothing to her, but were merely an object to be squeezed dry until empty and then thrown away.

BPD is a disorder triggered by intimacy. Once attachments get to close, they are discarded. It's creepy and fascinating, and will probably take a while for you to accept that what you thought it was, was not at all what it actually was. But once accepted, you can ask yourself how you ended up there, and what that teaches about yourself - and then you can really grow as a person, in a major way.


One word of warning - people with BPD tend to lie a lot, cheat, and usually return at some point. Probably many things you think about her, are not actually true - these people lie instinctively, and they lie all the time. Be ready for her return.

[divinehammer]

I appreciate it, you guys.

One thing I doubt is that she'll ever contact me again. It was a bizarre situation in which she was breaking my heart, admitted she had no reason for it, and then completely blew me off when I'd try to contact her afterward to see her, to get closure, etc, eventually treating me as though the whole thing had never happened. I could tell she was bridge-burner from the way she'd described previous relationships too, but I guess I thought it'd never happen to me because she'd said we were "different" compared to previous relationships. Guess not. 

[tim_tom]

I appreciate it, you guys.

One thing I doubt is that she'll ever contact me again. It was a bizarre situation in which she was breaking my heart, admitted she had no reason for it, and then completely blew me off when I'd try to contact her afterward to see her, to get closure, etc, eventually treating me as though the whole thing had never happened. I could tell she was bridge-burner from the way she'd described previous relationships too, but I guess I thought it'd never happen to me because she'd said we were "different" compared to previous relationships. Guess not. 

Yes, well that is the trick. Mine was living with someone when we met,

we had an emotional affair, she didn't even tell me about him until we already had feelings

she wanted and pushed for a physical one, i refused and insisted we wait until they split up).

She said she was never a cheater but she'd never experienced anything like her love for me, that i was different.

Yeah right...

Fast forward 1.5yrs, and I'm in the old boyfriends shoes.

fwiw, you're story reminds me so much of mine, and I'm fairly well convinced mine has BPD