Confronting an ex about your BPD suspicions

[divinehammer]

I have a feeling what folks might say about this, but I'm curious. I had a really baffling, hurtful, abrupt breakup this summer with someone who is now clearly BPD to me. Of course I played the part of the "helper" and pretty much acted as her secretary for 6 months, helping her through her chaos and disorganization, until one day she wore out her use for me.

But there were times late at night when she implied she'd always felt she needed therapy and never gone. She wanted someone to "get inside her head" and figure out what was wrong, why she was so erratic.

We haven't spoken since September, but knowing what I know now, I almost wish I could send her some articles about BPD. I don't know what my motivation is here. Mostly it's just the feeling that I don't want more men to be hurt by her, and I want to know she's able to self-improve. Why I still care about this, I do not know.

Has anyone had experience with this, or is it always 100% better to let the other person figure it out on their own?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey divinehammer, My view, in a nutshell, is that any diagnosis should be left to a professional as anything you say along these lines is likely to be poorly received.  Suggest you let others figure it out on their own as the chances that your Ex will make changes based on what you might relate at this point, subsequent to the b/u, are slim.  LuckyJim

[camuse]

It's a really bad idea, and almost certainly pointless.

I have never heard of someone being told they might have BPD and saying "oh really, thanks! I was wondering what the problem was and now I know!" or anything similar.

Instead, what always happens, due to the nature of the disorder, is they turn it back on you, and use it as a further stick to beat and manipulate you with.

It is simply to big a thing for such a person to accept, which is why very few ever even seek help never mind perservere with it.

I know why it feels tempting, and maybe you visualise her listening to reason and getting help, maybe even getting better? But that is not what will happen.

Remember they are basically toddlers. Would you try explaining quantum physics to a 3 year old? Logically, you should  be able to explain it to them right? But of course, a 3 year old isn't able to compute such information. Your ex has the emotional mind of a toddler, and will not be able to handle or process such information. Denial is an intrinsic part of the disorder.

Understand it for yourself, so you can move on. She is no longer your concern, and you cannot help anyway. She WILL go on to cause further devastation, that's how they roll and you cannot stop it any more than you can stop the changing of the tides.

You need to radically accept the sad, harsh reality and then focus on yourself.

[clydegriffith]

I actually bought it up to the BPDx during one of our many breakups and while she would acknowledge she had a problem to get my sympathy she would also say stuff like "i just lie to the therapists and everyone thinks im fine" (she had to undergo a court ordered psych eval). My theory is that deep down she knows she has a problem but is not at all serious about tyring to get help. She uses her million kids as somewhat of a shiled, taking on the role of hard luck mother and then of course is very confident in always being able to reel in guys to support her.

[divinehammer]

I am embarrassed to say this, but I will — part of the reason I want to write my ex a letter and list all the observations of her symptoms is so that she will have a 'lightbulb' moment and actually seek help so that no other man will endure what I have endured this year.

But another part of me also wants her to magically get better as a result, and look to me as someone who saved her.

Same pattern all over again 

[Waifed]

I am embarrassed to say this, but I will — part of the reason I want to write my ex a letter and list all the observations of her symptoms is so that she will have a 'lightbulb' moment and actually seek help so that no other man will endure what I have endured this year.

But another part of me also wants her to magically get better as a result, and look to me as someone who saved her.

Same pattern all over again 

Not gonna happen. She either knows she has a problem and doesn't care, knows she has a problem and doesn't want anyone to know or she doesn't think she has a problem. Whichever it is you are not going to get anywhere with her.

I tried to tell my ex I thought she was BPD and she called the cops on me. You are better off focusing on your life without her. You can't save her. Only she can do that and the odds of her doing so are not very high.

[fromheeltoheal]

But another part of me also wants her to magically get better as a result, and look to me as someone who saved her.

Yep, good awareness; you get to be the rescuer, the White Knight that you might has always wanted to be with her.  Plus, if she's the one with the mental illness, you get to be right, blameless, about what went down in the relationship and its demise.

Having acknowledged that, and knowing you won't get what you want, in fact it would probably make things worse, do you still see it as a possibility?

[divinehammer]

No. I mean, there's pretty much no way I could with a clean conscience send someone an email many months after a breakup saying, "PS, I think you have a personality disorder." That wouldn't reflect any better on me than it would her.

Hard not to turn these thoughts over and over in your head while you're recovering from a breakup, though... . 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hard not to turn these thoughts over and over in your head while you're recovering from a breakup, though... . 

Because we should be turning those thoughts over in our heads; that's processing, our brain making sense of the trauma we went through, and it WILL find a way.  The thought of busting her on the disorder is part of you taking your power back; enjoy it, just don't act on it, seems you agree.  Take care of you!

[Infared]

My ex never thought she had a problem. I begged her to go to therapy during her abrupt attachment to new supply and abandonment of me. I can't really call it a breakup. She did go to therapy and told lie after lie to the therapist and manipulated her T. There was no diagnosis that I know of.

I would never, ever talk to my ex... .but if I did, I would NOT bring that topic up. In her world, what ever problems there were in our relationship were ALL of my making. When you haven't done anything wrong, there is nothing to take a look at, is there?

I feel so damaged from the whole interaction that I would just never bring that topic up. She is in complete and total denial that there could possibly be anthing wrong with her. Anything.

[divinehammer]

Well, the thing is — since the beginning my ex would always allude to "dark times" in her past without much elaboration, followed by saying she'd probably always needed to see a therapist. "My brain is broken", "I don't know what's wrong with me", etc, but it was almost cute and whimsical the way she'd throw it out there. Then there would be days she spent alone and when I asked how she spent them, she'd say "sitting around marinating and mind___ing." She would never elaborate on what, exactly. But she said she wished a psychologist would tell her what was wrong with her. I recommended her one and sent her the phone number, but she didn't pursue it.

When we broke up the umpteenth time, I implied to her that what she was doing seemed to be a pattern, and had happened with previous relationships, and she didn't really deny it.

So that's why I've felt tempted to tell her, "Seek help, maybe it's a personality issue." Because it's not like she's in denial about it really. Not 100%.

[Left broken and confused]

I feel the same as you do. I wish I could tell mine also. He was diagnosed years ago but told me the doctor took him off the medication and said he was fine. I now know that's not possible. I will admit I want to tell mine with the hope that he will get the help he needs and we can live happily ever after. I do know this is probably not reality especially since I think I'm black right now and by the time I become white (if ever) I will be moved on or at least I hope