Am I really wrong all the time?

[Sylvia76]

My uBP bf has been having a tough time recently because work has been slow, he's been spending a lot of money, and we recently moved. Unfortunately with all of the mounting stressors and extra free time he's been getting "stuck" and has become overly critical of everything I do and he's been lashing out I me in anger over trivial things.

For example: he berated me twice over the fact that HE hasn't organized his closet and I'm doing his laundry too quickly for him to put away.

Last night was the pits, though.

We came home from work and I made dinner like I do every night. By 8:15 we were ready to sit down and that's when he told me he wasn't hungry and didn't think he should force himself to eat. I agreed with that but started to tear up since this has happened more than once and I was exhausted (I get up at 04:30 for work every day).

Since he wasn't hungry and left the room I started cleaning up and wrongly threw his food in the trash. 10 minutes later her told me that if I left it out for him he might eat it later. At this point it was almost 9, he doesn't eat leftovers, and I just wanted to clean the kitchen and relax. Well, he's furious with me. He won't speak to me because what I did was "mean, spiteful, and vindictive" and I've now "shown him my true colors".

I'm floored. I apologized and explained I didn't think he would eat it but he's refusing to speak to or acknowledge me.

He had mentioned earlier in the day that he feels like he's a mess and making a lot of mistakes including in our relAtionship.

Is he lashing out so he doesn't feel badly about himself or did I really something horrible?

He also said that I took his not eating personally and was hurt... .laying all the blame at my feet.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bounty]

Wow, sounds like my situation, you just cant do anything right.  Don't let him tear you down and don't let him think you are going crazy.  I recently read in one of the posts that the silent treatment is a very cruel tactic BPD's use ... .it has to do with rejection.  Too bad he is having such a hard time but it is his life and he needs to figure it out. How nice of you to fix him dinner

[jedimaster]

No, you are not wrong all the time, and no, you did not "wrongly" throw his meal in the trash.  At least he makes some acknowledgment that he makes mistakes.  A lot of folks' pwBPD claim infallibility as their superpower.

The laundry one has a familiar ring to it.  Criticized for doing the laundry too quickly.  Yep.  If I ever write my autobiography, I plan to title it "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished".

[Sylvia76]

It's nice to know I'm not alone in thinking I didn't do something aggregious. I'm working so hard at not getting worn or torn down by his behavior but it's difficult because any perceived slight causes him to give me the silent treatment and make broad, rude statements that I think are to inflict pain on me and cause me to feel as badly about myself as he does about himself.

[enlighten me]

The hard thing to realise from within a relationship is that its not always you that they are upset about. Because they have such dificulty displaying their true emotions they release them as other emotions. Rather than show guilt for something they turn it into anger. Rather than admit that something trivial has annoyed them they pick holes in you and make you the bad guy even though what upset them had nothing to do with you. They have to vent but misdirect it and misrepresent what they truely feel.

[Sylvia76]

I do my best to understand that his reactions are out of his hands in a way but I'm getting a little nagging voice telling me that I deserve better. His most recent comment about how now he sees my true colors flipped a switch in me.  All the good things I do and sacrifices I make don't matter to him - all he sees are my mistakes.

[Cloudy Days]

This happens with someone with BPD, you are either black or white and if you are being painted black they are rethinking their entire relationship with you and act like they can just drop you in a second. It's a matter of them not being able to understand that these are temporary feelings and when they feel something it's magnified by like 10. So when you threw away his dinner, his feelings were hurt and he came back at you 10 fold because that tends to be how their feelings work. It's not a normal reaction and that is hard to understand.

I just have to say, What you are feeling is not unusual. No one really deserves to be yelled at like this or nit picked to death for doing what the other person could be doing themselves. He takes things out on you that he shouldn't. My husband has a pattern of not eating dinner after I have spent forever working on it. And sometimes he will even get upset if I eat without him, when he goes to sleep 10 minutes before dinner is done. I have learned not to take it personally, when he has a emotional upset feeling he doesn't always eat and this is not an unusual feeling for him. This disorder is not something you can predict. I suppose my best advice would be if you stay, to put his food in the fridge and if he doesn't eat it by the next day then throw it out. Their feelings change like the tide changes. It's crazy making behavior.

You need to focus on how to detach from his behavior, to know it isn't your fault he is acting like this, how to Validate his feelings and to understand that relationships with people who have BPD are very draining, no matter who you are.

[Sylvia76]

Thank you, cloudydays.

I work so hard at detaching from the behavior and I realize he will eventually come around.  I know that he can't necessarily control his reactions or see that his comments, behaviors, and attitudes are hurtful to me.

Sometimes he's so forceful with his opinions I really do question my reality and I take my own inventory a lot to evaluate my part in the situation.

Right now he thinks I'm all-around horrible because of that ONE situation and it cuts me to the quick to realize he can negate all the good I do with one small thing.

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I will certainly continue to do my best to not take his actions or comments personally (even though it's hard when I'm being railed against).

[Cloudy Days]

It really is hard to do, I have terrible days still. Honestly the only reason I have been able to stay with my husband is because he has committed himself to treatment. He is taking medications and going to therapy. Which has made things better but he still acts like a crazy person from time to time. He's still impulsive, he still has double standards, and he still nit picks things and blames everything on me on occasion. It never really gets easy. I still struggle some days to detach and to know that it is not about me. I do get my feelings hurt, I have told him he is heartless for saying some of the things he has said to me. But he usually apologizes and with treatment things have gotten better.

You don't have to stay with him, all you really have to do is follow your heart and try your best to be the best you, you can be. Make sure you have a hobby or time for yourself to do some things that you want to do. Personal time is very important for emotional health. Make sure you have a support system, someone you can talk to, a freind, a therapist, someone. You don't have to agree to his opinions, I know that they usually will paint you black if you disagree, don't but instead of disagreeing, just acknowledge what his opinion is. You don't have to agree or disagree, you know what you feel and he can't change that, just like you can't change how he feels. I think that was a turning point for me. To learn to let things be, because you will never be able to change how another person feels. They have a right to feel how they do and you have a right to feel how you do.

And lets be clear here, he can control his actions and comments and behaviors. He has learned you are safe to treat this way and there for does whatever he wants. When you get more courage to set boundaries, you can stop him from treating you this way. Because instead of taking it, you can tell him it's not acceptable to treat you that way and take a break from it. But you have to be ready for extinction bursts, and sometimes this is when things do end. Because when you stand up for yourself they tend to get louder, angrier and more destructive, that's why you have to be ready for it. But once the extinction burst is over, your boundary has been set and he would know what it is. None of it is easy, but you are in the right place here.

[Sylvia76]

We had a pretty pivotal week... .

He was in the middle of giving me the silent treatment (out of nowhere, as usual) again when I fell outside and cracked my head open.  I asked him to take me to the ER because I was bleeding from my head and lost consciousness for about 10 minutes.  He told me I was playing games and that he wasn't going to play them with me.

He then accused me of hurting myself to get attention from him!

I would never cause myself harm in any way, especially with my daughter in the home: it was an accident.

I had to call my mother to take me and required 6 stitches and had a concussion.

After we got home he AGAIN refused to speak to me so I laid it out there: I explained how hurt I was that he accused me of doing this to myself and how stressful it is to walk on eggshells around his moods.

I explained that I love him but it's not fair to me or my daughter that we are at the mercy of his moods and sit through dinners, sometimes days with nothing from him but stony silence.

I also explained that his refusal of help was a wake up call for me that he may not, in fact, love me the way I love him.

Now all he will do is tell me he feels numb and "feels nothing".

Do I let this pass?

I felt I had to express my feelings because this was an emergency situation and he had no empathy, no sympathy, and blamed me for taking the trash out.

I reinforced that I love him and that we need to work on this together but he seems incapable.

What is the best course of action from here?

[maxsterling]

Do I let this pass?

I felt I had to express my feelings because this was an emergency situation and he had no empathy, no sympathy, and blamed me for taking the trash out.

I reinforced that I love him and that we need to work on this together but he seems incapable.

What is the best course of action from here?

Wow.  That is a pivotal moment.  Big hugs to you, and I hope you are feeling better    

Regarding your questions above - I think that is something you need to answer for yourself.  Yes, passing the blame on to you for everything under the sun is a BPD trait.  But this incident crosses a new line, as you have already indicated.  I think it would be wise to take time to heal yourself, and think about what your limits are and what kind of things you would need to see to keep pushing for this r/s.  You are very hurt and concerned right now - as you should be.  I can tell you this much - there is no guarantee in the future that he will be any different than he is now, even if he does decide to work on himself.  Can you move forward knowing that the same incident could happen in the future?

[Sylvia76]

I am trying to heal myself and take the time I need to figure out if this relationship is worth all the effort on my side.

I had pretty well gotten used to being my fault all the time but this is a new series of events where he has crawled inside himself after my injury.

He wont interact with me and insists he "needs to be alone".  I don't know how much more forgiving I can be when he turns things around to be about him and his pain and not the emotional damage he's causing to me.

I told him I love him and will be here when he's ready but I'm starting to feel like this is a one-sided relationship.

[jedimaster]

I am going to weigh in here.  I know this board is for "staying" and we are not supposed to tell people to run if that is not their choice.

I have recently figured out that my uBPDw has had BPD the entire 33+ years of our marriage.  We have had everything from wonderful, intimate times, to stay-up-all-night-yell-and-slam-the-doors screamfests. 

In all that time, neither of us has ever, EVER, failed to respond to a genuine emergency, no matter what else was going on.  We were in the middle of a huge falling-out when our son went into a coma while on a trip and we had to literally drop everything where it sat and fly across the country to be with him.

In my opinion (and it's just my opinion), if he will not take you to the ER in the situation you describe, it is not safe for you to stay there.  To me there is very little difference than if he had caused the injury himself. 

There was a local court case in the news here this week where a woman was convicted of negligent homicide because she knew her child had taken a possibly fatal dose of a drug and she waited 13 hours to call 911.  Failing to render assistance is the same under the law as causing injury. 

Again, just my opinion, but you should seriously ask yourself, "If I were bleeding to death, would I really trust him not to leave me to die and then call for help?"  If you can't emphatically, unequivocally answer "YES," then you need to take steps to protect yourself, I think.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with Jedimaster. If he can't be there for you in an emergency, why stay if you have the means to leave?

It sounds like you are taking time to analyze what you are getting out of this relationship and when you have a child who is exposed to this behavior, it is a very important question to ask yourself if there is anything worthwhile in this relationship that would counterbalance what you've recently experienced.

He's definitely shown his true colors, both in response to your accident as well as how he's currently responding which perhaps is blaming you for being injured so he doesn't have to feel shame for not taking care of you when you were hurt.

[Sylvia76]

That's pretty much where I am with this: if I can't count on him in an emergency, regardless of how badly he's feeling on the inside... .what hope do I have for a future with him?

I don't think the environment is safe for me or my daughter but we just signed a lease and moved.

I can live with family but I don't have a car (he as the mechanic has not fixed mine and it is unsafe to drive as well as uninspected).

I really wanted to make this work but his failure to render aid and his current sulking are making the situation intolerable.

I understand to a certain extend that he feels "empty" and "hollow" but I can't fix this for him especially when I'm the one in need of care.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm wondering if you could take a timeout and be with your family for a week or so, while you evaluate this relationship. It would be a way to set a boundary about unacceptable behavior, because currently it seems he has no consequences.

[Sylvia76]

I could probably stay with family for the weekend - one of them would pick me up, I'm sure.

Right now they're more concerned for my safety than anything else.

[ColdEthyl]

Man... .I remember being where you are. So very very sorry *hugs*

First of all, you have to take a step out of your own head for a moment, and try to look at this from the outside.

He is mentally ill. He doesn't do or say things to be hateful. The feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and all that comes with BPD is the catalyst for his behavior. Which means it's not you.

His BPD is currently unchecked, so unfortunately his coming to your aid while dysregulated might have had him thinking you were "tricking" him... .mostly because the thought of you being hurt/sick is scary and they can't do anything about it so it gets turned into anger. Almost all of the emotions come out as such for them.

There's a lot of tools to learn, a lot of materials that can help you not only understand this, but effectively communicate with him.

I think it's good that you are taking a step back and considering whether or not you want to continue the relationship. It's a difficult path and it's not for everyone. Good Luck sweety, you are not alone <3

We had a pretty pivotal week... .

He was in the middle of giving me the silent treatment (out of nowhere, as usual) again when I fell outside and cracked my head open.  I asked him to take me to the ER because I was bleeding from my head and lost consciousness for about 10 minutes.  He told me I was playing games and that he wasn't going to play them with me.

He then accused me of hurting myself to get attention from him!

I would never cause myself harm in any way, especially with my daughter in the home: it was an accident.

I had to call my mother to take me and required 6 stitches and had a concussion.

After we got home he AGAIN refused to speak to me so I laid it out there: I explained how hurt I was that he accused me of doing this to myself and how stressful it is to walk on eggshells around his moods.

I explained that I love him but it's not fair to me or my daughter that we are at the mercy of his moods and sit through dinners, sometimes days with nothing from him but stony silence.

I also explained that his refusal of help was a wake up call for me that he may not, in fact, love me the way I love him.

Now all he will do is tell me he feels numb and "feels nothing".

Do I let this pass?

I felt I had to express my feelings because this was an emergency situation and he had no empathy, no sympathy, and blamed me for taking the trash out.

I reinforced that I love him and that we need to work on this together but he seems incapable.

What is the best course of action from here?

[Sylvia76]

Thank you so much.

I am trying to see this as out of his control and that he can't modulate his emotions.  I know it's not a personal attack on me and that he doesn't mean what he says but I'm honestly scared that he couldn't render aid when it was needed and that he didn't believe I was hurt.

He actually refused to look at the blood gushing out of my head and told me to "stop playing games". I'm being as patient as I can with him but it's frightening that if he's not regulated and my daughter or I have an emergency we may not get the care we need.

I'm desperately trying to separate the man from the behavior but right now it's exceedingly difficult.

[ColdEthyl]

Yes it is, especially in that situation. That's why is very good for you to take some time out and really think about it. I'm not trying to talk you out of the relationship, I just know not everyone is able/willing to do what needs to be done in a pwBPD. And that's okay. It a choice for you and you alone to make, and the only right answer is the one that's right for you. Period.

Thank you so much.

I am trying to see this as out of his control and that he can't modulate his emotions.  I know it's not a personal attack on me and that he doesn't mean what he says but I'm honestly scared that he couldn't render aid when it was needed and that he didn't believe I was hurt.

He actually refused to look at the blood gushing out of my head and told me to "stop playing games". I'm being as patient as I can with him but it's frightening that if he's not regulated and my daughter or I have an emergency we may not get the care we need.

I'm desperately trying to separate the man from the behavior but right now it's exceedingly difficult.

[Sylvia76]

At the end of the day I have to do what's right for me and for my daughter.  I've been in my share of long term relationships (none like this) so I know what I need and expect out of a partner.

That's why I really have to think this through.  My responsibility is to myself and my daughter (she isn't his) and to ensure she has a positive future.

[Cat Familiar]

To imagine where he's coming from, he might feel a lot of shame and guilt for not helping you when you needed it and therefore is retreating into a place of numbness and disconnection.

Or he might have some other personality disorders in addition to BPD and possibly not have the capacity for empathy.

You've got some big decisions ahead for yourself and your daughter. I'm very sorry that he didn't have the capacity to help you, but it is good to be able to see things clearly and this might be a blessing in disguise.

How long have you been in this relationship?

[Sylvia76]

In our brief texting he did explain that he feels he let me down and that we can't possibly recover so I know he feels badly but at the same time he just keeps treating me worse and worse... .like he wants me to leave.

We've been dating 2 years and this is the worst to happen so far.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like he is giving you an opening to leave. What does your heart say? Do you want to go or is the relationship worth salvaging?

[Sylvia76]

I honestly don't know right now if it can be salvaged since he keeps slipping further and further down.

I actually spent Saturday night at my mother's house after he drank too much and started calling me names.

The next day he was fine (for awhile)... .then he took me to an appointment and while he was waiting for me he had so much to drink he couldn't drive home and he wouldn't let me, either, since we were in his favorite car.

So we both spent last night (not) sleeping in the car.

He is finally acknowledging that he has a problem and needs to see someone so he is going today but I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, and just fried from the whole experience.

[Cloudy Days]

He is finally acknowledging that he has a problem and needs to see someone so he is going today but I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, and just fried from the whole experience.

This is how I felt when my husband finally gave in and started getting treatment. We had a terrible night where he ended up in jail, most of the time you have to reach rock bottom before they are willing to get treatment and for some reason people with BPD have to hit rock bottom 4-5 times to actually start doing the actual work they need to be doing.

Unrelated to the treatment thing, one night I was trying to get out of bed and the blanket wrapped around my leg causing me to hit hard on the wood floor. the light was on. My husband was right there and I almost started crying I hurt my knee pretty bad, but I made it clear I was hurt when I did it. It took me a couple of minutes to get up and try and walk and eventually he said, what is wrong with you? I said did you not just see me hit the floor like a ton of bricks. He told me he thought I was joking with him. I certainly thought he would have worried about me at least a little. I would have if it were him. It's hurtful to not be acknowledged when you truly want it most.

[maxsterling]

for some reason people with BPD have to hit rock bottom 4-5 times to actually start doing the actual work they need to be doing.

4-5 times?    I think it prudent to add at least a 1 to each of those numbers, more like 14-15 times   One of the saddest things for me to witness - she knows she is spiraling down, she knows she is making the same mistakes again, she knows she has issues, yet can't stop herself from bad behaviors.  I've been with her just under two years, and I have seen the "rock bottom" 4-5 times in that span.  And she says the two decades prior to meeting me was worse .

[Cloudy Days]

I suppose the severity of rock bottom differs. I can certainly see how you got 14-15 times... . My husband has seemed to be at rock bottom more times than I can count but he has truly hit Rock bottom 4 times since I have known him in my 10 years. One ending in a hospital stay, one with a suicide attempt, and two others ending in jail. I think they learn a new lesson on each one, but it doesn't always stay with them. It's exhausting to say the least. Of course I know he has hit Rock bottom before he met me, I just wasn't there to witness it or to encourage him to get treatment.

[janey62]

I really feel for you Sylvia, and can relate because I'm in a similar situation.  My pwBPD has been up and down more and more often and has hit rock bottom lots of times.  His thing is to leave, go get drunk, send me vile text messages and then fall asleep in a doorway or alley.  He sometimes staggers home and sleeps in the spare room.

Most of the time he's not been actually living with me because we've had months of being apart.

Recently though he's gradually been moving in with me again.  His dysregulation is frequent but I've been trying to manage my own reactions, distance myself while being supportive and follow the advice - with mixed results.  He's at least, in the two and a half years we've been together, realised his illness and asked for help and treatment.

However tonight, having spent the weekend moving some of his stuff in, slowly so as not to upset him too much, he lost it with me when I got in from work because of some small slight he felt this morning.  He became aggressive, something he's not done before, raging in my face in a threatening way and throwing things around.  I left with my dogs in a panic and when I got back he'd gone, but smashed a picture leaving glass everywhere.  I was truly frightened of him for the first time and feel so terrible now.

Think he just crossed the line... .even though I do try to understand his illness and make allowances, this is awful. 

So I'm at that crossroads too.  Its hard and painful and I'm exhausted. 

Wish I could be more help, but as you can see, all I can do is identify with you... . 

Janey

[ColdEthyl]

I really feel for you Sylvia, and can relate because I'm in a similar situation.  My pwBPD has been up and down more and more often and has hit rock bottom lots of times.  His thing is to leave, go get drunk, send me vile text messages and then fall asleep in a doorway or alley.  He sometimes staggers home and sleeps in the spare room.

Most of the time he's not been actually living with me because we've had months of being apart.

Recently though he's gradually been moving in with me again.  His dysregulation is frequent but I've been trying to manage my own reactions, distance myself while being supportive and follow the advice - with mixed results.  He's at least, in the two and a half years we've been together, realised his illness and asked for help and treatment.

However tonight, having spent the weekend moving some of his stuff in, slowly so as not to upset him too much, he lost it with me when I got in from work because of some small slight he felt this morning.  He became aggressive, something he's not done before, raging in my face in a threatening way and throwing things around.  I left with my dogs in a panic and when I got back he'd gone, but smashed a picture leaving glass everywhere.  I was truly frightened of him for the first time and feel so terrible now.

Think he just crossed the line... .even though I do try to understand his illness and make allowances, this is awful. 

So I'm at that crossroads too.  Its hard and painful and I'm exhausted. 

Wish I could be more help, but as you can see, all I can do is identify with you... . 

Janey

Sadly this is how far they can go down the rabbit hole... .or further.