Confused about how to help my spouse now I have drawn boundaries

[Sproket]

Hi

I really believe we are given the information we need to take the best direction for ourselves and amazingly your website has popped up in my vision I think just at the most perfect time.  After years of struggling in my marriage and being very confused as to what was going on, in what ways I was to blame etc I have finally come to the acknowledgement that you can offer love and support to someone but you just can not help them if they do not want it.  In fact I think I was the worst person to try and help my spouse, it seemed to make things so much worse.  Especially in the last few years there has been a real cycle of a hope and then hopelessness.  At last I have had enough and I have tried to say what I need to heal with as much love and non judgement.  I have asked for a divorce and for some space to be left alone to build up enough strength to bring the kids and I through this.  I have always expected that it will get terribly messy from now on, especially as money has always been the biggest focus in my spouse's life.  Now coming across the bpdfamily.com website I am flabbergasted as to how relevant this is to the history of my marriage.  Not as evident in the early years but terribly obvious now.  My husband's mother had bipolar and he had a shocking early life with that, really left alone to cope with her with no support.  I thought my love would make up for any deficits there, but truth is this I am totally spent.  Now I have to walk away for my own sanity.  My husband is now saying he has no idea what is wrong with him emotionally and that he knows he needs help but just cant work out how to access this.  But what is my responsibility now.  I know if I go back to supporting him emotionally we will cycle back as we have numerous times before.  But to me this information is amazingly reflective of what we have gone through in a lot of ways.  So do I send him a link and say with kindness "why don't you just look at this"?  Or does that just place me back into co- dependence?

[Mutt]

Hi Sproket,



I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that things have worked out this way. It's frustrating and it feels hopeless when our SO has a difficult personality disorder. It's tough.

I understand you care for him and want to help him. It shows compassion. I would like to make you aware that it may worsen his symptoms. He may take offense if it's suggested that he's mentally ill, it is a part of his personality. If he's self aware and truly committed on working on himself he may get help.

You want a divorce and there's likely a reason why.

Are there any kids? Are you living together or in separate homes? How's your support network?

[Sproket]

Hi Mutt

It is confusing, he works away and just started coming back home less and less until I realized there were others.  I have been as understanding as I could have been and tried to make him come home.  When he is here he wants to be back with the family and is sorry, but at super lightening speed he reverts when he returns to work and wont let go of his "other" life (in Thailand where he had "met" several women).  He blames me for where he is at the moment, blaming financial pressures, me not be fun enough, dynamic enough etc etc.  I probably wouldn't of tried so hard if I didn't have two boys coming into the teenage years.  I thought if I could just get him to commit to coming home he could get his head together.  I have been asking for counselling for years.  When I read the traits of a NPD I cant believe I didn't see bits of this before.  It is not full on but it is there.  Life has not been very joyful the last 14 years but I hoped it would improve.  I see that I have been a big part of the problem, smoothing waters between him and my family or our friends.  He doesn't have a fantastic deep friends base and I thought that was a lot of the problem.  Now I see the only option is to divorce and make it official.  That at least helps me and the boys to get on with our lives, although I know it will be a huge shock for him.  i feel bad of course but think I have done him no favors by not standing up to what has been happening.  I have always felt that things will get very nasty if we got to this stage, because he has shows no empathy when in a stressed state, and that is frightening but I will have to wear this.  I have good support from family or friends who are relieved to see I have made a decision at last.  I am astounded to see this site and see how many people post on here and I think it will help to read other peoples stories to see I am not alone.  thank you for your reply.  It is interesting that each time I have gotten to a stage of being firm (but in a kind way) he does crumble and talk about how he doesnt know where he is with his head, he doesnt understand what is happening, he has a huge emotional void in his life that he cant fill and more recently how frightened he feels that he may have the same disease as his bipolar mother.  It is heart pulling but he also said that the things I say to him make him want to resist even more.  He feels they are accurate but he just doesn't want to hear them.  I think anyone can change given they have the desire to.  I guess it has taken this long for me to accept that he may not be strong enough, and that you cant love someone into it.  Thanks so much for listening.  My biggest lesson now is to learn how I have enabled him to stay this way for the last 24 years!  Even before this I can now see from Father onwards I have attracted Narcassistic type personalities.  Clearly I have some work on myself to do now.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Try not to worry about helping your spouse. Worry about helping yourself and your kids!

I know how difficult it is to feel like you are giving up on someone. I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and we have 4 kids together. He is a sex addict and knows that he has problems. He has gotten better at different points in our marriage it seems like he only does better long enough to lull me into a false sense of security. Once I relax, then he slips right back into the same old patterns. I have to let do of the idea that I will be able to find some kind of magical button to make it all better. On an intellectual level, I know that the only viable option is for me to leave. On an emotional level, I am having a difficult time accepting the reality of it all. Plus, I am scared sh**less over it all. I know I can't live like this for the rest of my life but I am also not quite sure how to get out of it without too much damage to the kids.

You will find lots of support here. It has been a real help for me. Without the support of these forums, it would be way too easy for me to fall back into burying my head in the sand or lying to myself.