Making my own peace in the ending...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife told me she wanted out for the first time a couple days ago. [loong story on the staying board]

I'm starting to believe it.

I'm very clear about my limits of what I will accept from her. I've found a lot of peace and even some comfort in knowing where my values are, what I need, what I want.

In our conversations, she hasn't had this level of clarity. I honestly believe she is still confused (disordered?) at a fundamental level here. I say this because I *still* think if she gets this, I can forgive, and we can forge something amazing together.

Now I'm looking at advice I've given several times to other members on these boards:

Don't expect clean closure from a disordered person. If you want that kind of closure, you have to make it yourself.

As I'm considering division of our joint stuff (20+ year marriage, no kids), I'm finding all kinds of hurt to go through in it.

My wife and I were joined at the hip for many years... .and as we've changed things to be more individual, (like not sharing email or phones), it has always improved our r/s. Some more separation of our affairs will feel initially uncomfortable like those changes, but make us both happier, even if we reconcile.

I'm of two minds here:

1. I need to go forward. (Separately)

2. This hurt of separation is going to make it MUCH harder for me to accept her back later. I do still want to leave that door open for her to walk through.

To my mind, there is no external urgency to dividing our things up. Today we're living separately, 3000 miles apart. She's closer to much of our stuff stored with my parents. I'm living on the boat we called home together. On the side of the country she's on, we have no place to stay except as a guest at my parent's house (our usual home base for those seasons), or staying with friends. Our significant assets are (relatively) liquid, in bank or brokerage accounts. I've got zero expectations that she will try to grab them. Even if she does take them, I have support and options, so I do not even need to grab my half first.

The reason to divide everything up is just to move on with our lives separately.

I think I can allow a little time before I start that.

[Grey Kitty]

My wife told me she wanted out for the first time a couple days ago. [loong story on the staying board]

I'm starting to believe it.

I'm very clear about my limits of what I will accept from her. I've found a lot of peace and even some comfort in knowing where my values are, what I need, what I want.

In our conversations, she hasn't had this level of clarity. I honestly believe she is still confused (disordered?) at a fundamental level here. I say this because I *still* think if she gets this, I can forgive, and we can forge something amazing together.

Now I'm looking at advice I've given several times to other members on these boards:

Don't expect clean closure from a disordered person. If you want that kind of closure, you have to make it yourself.

As I'm considering division of our joint stuff (20+ year marriage, no kids), I'm finding all kinds of hurt to go through in it.

My wife and I were joined at the hip for many years... .and as we've changed things to be more individual, (like not sharing email or phones), it has always improved our r/s. Some more separation of our affairs will feel initially uncomfortable like those changes, but make us both happier, even if we reconcile.

I'm of two minds here:

1. I need to go forward. (Separately)

2. This hurt of separation is going to make it MUCH harder for me to accept her back later. I do still want to leave that door open for her to walk through.

To my mind, there is no external urgency to dividing our things up. Today we're living separately, 3000 miles apart. She's closer to much of our stuff stored with my parents. I'm living on the boat we called home together. On the side of the country she's on, we have no place to stay except as a guest at my parent's house (our usual home base for those seasons), or staying with friends. Our significant assets are (relatively) liquid, in bank or brokerage accounts. I've got zero expectations that she will try to grab them. Even if she does take them, I have support and options, so I do not even need to grab my half first.

The reason to divide everything up is just to move on with our lives separately.

I think I can allow a little time before I start that.

[Sandman1881]

I am in my second month out... .and strictly NC due to a OP I have against her for a nasty assault where she tried to suffocate me while sleeping. I believe as they are raging, they do have the power to kill.

The signs were there all along. And it seems I was realizing something major was off. Especially at the end of our 14 month long live-in relationship. If I would have stayed, I would eventually be going through what you are now. Be strong and honor you feelings.


I texted her this:

"I was in a depression. Since that time I've gotten much better.

What happend to you? When are to going to get better?  You took the 100 and lied to my face. Go ahead and laugh.

You took the card this morning and tried to trip me. Who does things like that? Every time I get what seems like a break you turn on your other person and I'm tired of living on edge over this. Will you stop or I can book a place (any place) and survive one week at a time?

You should wake up yourself and see just how you do me.

This stops today."

This is what she sent back and now I know she was both being sarcastic and honest. The " need a better woman" part is so confusing for me because she was stating a fact and at the same time wanted me to reassure her that she was a good woman, even thought at this point she wasn't being very "good."

NOW IM A LIER ASWELL. YOU NEED A BETTER WIMAN

P.S. Most times it hurts even to read the entire posts of others. I feel my own pain burn through as I read and believe we truly can feel for, and relate directly because we do know how we were treated and it appears, for the most part, BPD's are the same. I'm new at this so please bare with me.

Wishing you hope and peace of mind and personal space.

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks for the good wishes. I wish you peace with what you are going through.

I've got different problems. Years back I stopped accepting abuse. A bit later, my wife stopped trying to give it to me. That stopped just as it started to get physical (a slap, a few times).

This (likely) ending is over her cheating and unwillingness to cut contact with the guy. Well, that is my reason to move on.

She's disordered enough to come up with a bunch of confused reasons. Sigh.

[Sandman1881]

Her replacement was ready to assume my role. So not only did I want to go, I had to and was tossed out yet again. I began to realize that not only did she not love me and in fact hates me,  and she wanted me to "leave", or just "disappear." I shake my head every day still. As I feel I'm making progress, my brain is still processing this an effort to make sense of the entire relationship - cradle to grave. And I know it's useless.

Trying to keep from being depressed, especially this time of year in the NE is quite challenging. The holidays and such. And I have no replacement for myself. Although I could use the internet to my dating advantage and quickly find a girl to pair up with. But I:

A. Know it's wrong to bring my troubles into someone else's life right now (even if she is healthy and normal - highly unlikely and if she is I may not like her)

B. Can't just be with a woman for the sake of having another by my side.

I want to discover and learn what a healthy relationship is all about and what its like to enjoy one. And will likely only meet someone at a time when I feel I've recovered from this and other damaging trauma. This one was by far the most deceiving and just plain rude and inconsiderate.

I know that if I keep picking like I've done to date, there will only be more misery in the cards for me.

Besides all of that, this type of magnetic bond is a bi&ch to break.

Be well. and take back your power. One step at a time.

[Mutt]

GreyKitty,

I'm getting the feeling that you may be looking at this with a sense of safety and trust. I think you may not see the real possibility that it could get out of control. What worries me is that she's saying that she wants out and there's another person. If per chance you're split black the playing field changes here. One of greater difficulty than you have faced with her before. I'm not saying this is a certainty but you have to be very careful. Line all of your ducks up.

Can you link us that thread here from Staying so we can get a little back-story?

[thatwasthat]

GreyKitty,

I'm getting the feeling that you may be looking at this with a sense of safety and trust. I think you may not see the real possibility that it could get out of control. What worries me is that she's saying that she wants out and there's another person. If per chance you're split black the playing field changes here. One of greater difficulty than you have faced with her before. I'm not saying this is a certainty but you have to be very careful. Line all of your ducks up.

Can you link us that thread here from Staying so we can get a little back-story?

I second that. Tread carefully.

I "trusted" her enough to not cut her out of our bank accounts when we took a break.

Although I knew she wasn't/isn't a gold digger (she even asked if she could use the card just for a $5 car wash)... .as soon as she met the replacement... .

well. I guess since she lied to him about her rs status and overall position in life she needed assets quickly to move across the country, have her car shipped there etc.

After I found out and confronted her she said: "I will pay you back as I can."

Not gonna happen, we both know that.

Not saying this WILL happen to you, but be careful.

[Grey Kitty]

Links from staying:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235769.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236247.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236799.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236950.0;all

I stated there that a year and a half ago, my wife really hit a point where she was done projecting her internal self-hatred onto me and beating me up for it emotionally. I didn't even need my very solid abuse-protection boundary enforcement skills with her anymore. Despite her going through incredible grief, a very severe bout with depression (long recurring, which normally coincided with abusive behavior),  a bout with debilitating anxiety (new for her), and getting on anti-depressants, along with a medical emergency.

I'm not afraid of attempts to be abusive anymore. I can handle them. I don't even expect attempts.

Back when she was abusive, she didn't spy on me, she didn't take joint assets, and she didn't spread lies to hurt me among friends or family. She is mentally healthier now than she was then. So I'm not going to act on this sort of concerns.

That said, the last thing she told me was that she wants out. So I'm moving forward with my life, as if we will separate. There are many things I can do that will work for me whether we separate or reconcile. I'm focusing on them right now.

I think I will open a bank account only in my name. I'm going to change all of the passwords I use for personal accounts to something she doesn't know. etc.

I'm not going to do provocative moves like changing passwords to joint accounts, or moving money out of them. I trust her to negotiate separation with me. I choose to behave in a trustworthy way with her.

Telling my parents that I did not want her to have free access to our stuff at her house was provocative enough. She did see my parents, and gave the key to their house back.

[Sandman1881]

Listen to what they are saying and "LEAVE!"

Sorry. When that is what you hear, love or not, sooner or later you follow orders. Not what she wants. I know it. But it's what she can't help herself from saying and self-destructing.

I understand and have compassion and empathy, but if this is the case. they better come back down and see what they are doing isn't right. Or maybe it should be illegal to mentally and emotionally abuse another human being. I see my depression. They see this too. But they get away with ignoring it until something criminal happens and they get busted. That's my position and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I just don't know.

Healing... .TBC

[vortex of confusion]

 

No, I am not stalking you! 

I completely understand where you are at. I am in a similar situation. I can't and won't run but I will work towards dividing our lives until such a time that we can find a way for us to move apart. Maybe I am playing it too safe by being trustworthy but, to me, that seems like a better option that steamrolling things and being too aggressive. I have tested the waters a bit and I know that there will probably be a lot of push/pull when the time comes for us to part ways. I am hoping and praying that I can find a way to minimize the push/pull. We have 4 kids together so it is imperative for me to approach things as peacefully and as level headed as possible. I have no desire to hurt him.

Yes, I get angry and pi$$ed off and hurt and resentful and have feelings that sometimes scare me. At the end of the day, I just want peace. It isn't about loving him or not. It is about finding a peaceful way to exit in my own time and in my own way. This is about ME and what works for ME.

Oh, I have had one nagging thought about my slow and steady approach. I wonder if part of me is still assuming the role of protector. In my own way, I am trying to protect him for the sake of our girls. Is that codependent or naive or something else? I don't know but I do know that it is very important for me to try to take the high road whenever possible. I have done some things that I am not proud of and I really want to avoid that kind of thing moving forward.

But, I do have my own bank account and the wages from one of my jobs goes into that account for me to spend however I see fit. It took a long time for us to get into this position, I don't expect to be able to get out of it over night. 

I feel horrible for wanting to leave so bad because I know that no matter what he says or does he isn't going to go anywhere. He is like a lost little puppy half the time. He has shoved me once but hasn't gotten physical in a long time. He doesn't have full blown rages. He is more like a passive aggressive little child. While I don't like it, I can live with it long enough to figure out the best course of action.

[Grey Kitty]

Fortunately for me, the choice to leave or stay is one just about me and my wife.

I know that I could walk away from my marriage, only negotiating final division at divorce starting today if it was what I wanted. And not have an moral dilemmas about that. Children, and the responsibility to decide which path is best for them has to make things a LOT harder, and probably makes you feel more trapped in the situation.

I'm getting accounts set up to have some separate money from my wife ASAP. We're too tied together in too many ways, and that is going to change whether we split or reconcile.

I'm glad you already have your own independent account!