Men with BPD

[clydegriffith]

Could any of the women here that were involved with BPD men elaborate on their experiences?

My understanding is that women make up the vast majority of those with BPD and from my personal experience it's difficult to see a man getting away with common BPD behavior. Take the physical violence for example, had the roles been reversed with the BPDx and i done to her what she did to me i would have probably gone to jail. Then there is also the sympathy factor-There are always countless guys around with white knight syndrome just waiting for a chance to come to the rescue and the same can not be said the other way around. A female is much more likely to easily get pity from others than a guy.

[Swiggle]

When reading through the boards and I take notice of a female poster who talks about a male partner, I often wonder if they are more NP, HPD or ASPD than BPD.

[Caredverymuch]

Could any of the women here that were involved with BPD men elaborate on their experiences?

My understanding is that women make up the vast majority of those with BPD and from my personal experience it's difficult to see a man getting away with common BPD behavior. Take the physical violence for example, had the roles been reversed with the BPDx and i done to her what she did to me i would have probably gone to jail. Then there is also the sympathy factor-There are always countless guys around with white knight syndrome just waiting for a chance to come to the rescue and the same can not be said the other way around. A female is much more likely to easily get pity from others than a guy.

My ex was a waif BPD male. He fit the criteria fully. He never outwardly raged. Rather he raged inward w manipulations  including suicide threats.  I did see N traits after splitting began but he definitely was a borderline.

Its been said we dont hear of men having the disorder as often as women bc women are more apt to seek therapy.

[EaglesJuju]

Could any of the women here that were involved with BPD men elaborate on their experiences?

My understanding is that women make up the vast majority of those with BPD and from my personal experience it's difficult to see a man getting away with the things that a female BPD does. Take the physical violence for example, had the roles been reversed with the BPDx and i done to her what she did to me i would have probably gone to jail. Then there is also the sympathy factor-There are always countless guys around with white knight syndrome just waiting for a chance to come to the rescue and the same can not be said the other way around.

Many men are not diagnosed with BPD due, to gender bias/stereotypes.  The white knight syndrome is just another name for co-dependency.  I am co-dependent with helper/empathy/fixer traits.  PwBPD do not all act the same.  

As for my experience, I thought I could help/fix my bf.  He is a waif/victim type that internalizes his behavior the majority of the time. He very rarely externalized his aggression.  Mainly, he projects, disassociates, and avoids anything that triggers him.  Like many pwBPD, he is  clingy, needy, and desperate for constant validation. I know it is dysfunctional but, some of his "victim" type of behaviors tug on my heart strings.  I learned and still am learning, that love cannot fix mental illness.  

[Emelie Emelie]

There are plenty of women willing to be a white knight. Or rephrase that as caretaker. I know. I was/am one of them. The violence wasn't physical in my rs. He could restrain himself from crossing that line for the reasons you outline. The verbal violence was horrifically abusive.

[Blimblam]

When reading through the boards and I take notice of a female poster who talks about a male partner, I often wonder if they are more NP, HPD or ASPD than BPD.

Me too.  Although I often think this with makes posting about females too.

Anytime someone writes, " the most inconsiderate person. Never made any effort for me ever." I assume their ex is comorbid in some way.  

My brother is uaspd/BPD, and is very very different in many ways than my uBPD ex.  I have also known a girl that was npd/hpd/BPD and she was a real piece of work. One of the most selfish rude people I have ever met, was a friend of my ex.  The point is BPD is a wide spectrum and we all tend to project our own situation on to others.  

[EaglesJuju]

When reading through the boards and I take notice of a female poster who talks about a male partner, I often wonder if they are more NP, HPD or ASPD than BPD.

Me too.  Although I often think this with makes posting about females too.

Anytime someone writes, " the most inconsiderate person. Never made any effort for me ever." I assume their ex is comorbid in some way.  



The point is BPD is a wide spectrum and we all tend to project our own situation on to others.  

I used to think he was selfish and inconsiderate; narcissistic traits.  Instead of pulling out my DSM-V and "diagnosing" him, I realized something.  I cannot live up to some his unrealistic expectations, he could not live up to mine.  As a co-dependent, I expected him to give as much as I did (which was an unhealthy amount without boundaries). He was unable to do so and tried the best he could.  It was foolish of me to think that he could reciprocate in the same way. 

[Recooperating]

My male ex was diagnosed BPD, but had a lot of NPD traitd as well. He could rage, punch walls, bang his head on things, he was very agressive but took it out on the walls and furniture. Very scary. We did have 2 physicall fights, but it was a fight over the knife he tried (threathned) to kill himself with. His specialism were irrational accusations, sarcasm and controling me through expert manipulation.

We didnt live together, so I guess that was my benefit that kept him from physicall abuse. I know he and his ex wife were very physicall abusive towards one and other. Ofcourse he used to say it was all her fault and he was the victim.

He balanced a fine line between being in trouble with the law and getting away with it.

I guess men dont get the "BPD-stamp" that easily cause they just get called "as.hole" instead?

[Pingo]

A female is much more likely to easily get pity from others than a guy.

I'd have to disagree, my ex was very skilled at invoking pity.  He had a story that would stun and amaze people.  He had an acquired brain injury from 11 yrs ago and I won't go into how that happened but he lost a lot of memory at that time and took a long time to recoup.  He loves to tell people about it and see how shocked they are.  He uses it as his reason for everything!  Forgot to take the dog out to pee?  Brain injury.  Can't cope with life?  Brain injury.  Yet he was so very skilled and intelligent at so many practical things that it just didn't add up.  As I mentioned in another thread, I spent most of our r/s trying to just understand what the heck was going on.  He was a waif-queen (king) I suppose.  But I believe the waif part was all an act.  He got away with so much because of this.  And it fed into my caretaker needs. 

There was plenty of abuse in my r/s, most of it emotional.  He never called me names, it was all very subtle.  His favorite thing was the ST, sometimes for days, followed by a rage.  He was very physical in other ways, play fighting too rough, etc.  Often times I'd get hurt and he'd apologise but then do it again.  I always thought he was getting his aggression out in a way that he could get away with.  He did block my way when we were arguing and would throw my book across the room if I wasn't paying enough attention to him when he was mad.  Then he finally did put his hands on me, tried to toss my out of the bed.  This was the end for me. 

My ex isn't diagnosed BPD as far as I know but I do believe he is PPD as he fits all the criteria.  I do wonder now if he had been diagnosed and rather blamed everything on the brain injury as there was perhaps less shame with that.  The night I mentioned where he put his hands on me?  I told him he was psycho and nuts because he was raging after a 3 day ST and I flipped out.  He certainly did not like that and that's when he decided I should be tossed out of the bed.  He scared the crap out of me. 

[vortex of confusion]

There was plenty of abuse in my r/s, most of it emotional.  He never called me names, it was all very subtle. 

That is my experience too. I have always known that something wasn't right (aside from the sex addiction) but could never really put my finger on what it was. It wasn't until I found a book on emotional/verbal abuse that things started to make more sense. Mine is more the waif type. He is very withdrawn and reserved and things tend to come out in passive/aggressive ways rather than anything that is covert.

Mine doesn't do the silent treatment as much as he mopes. The moping and the pouting and throwing temper tantrums about silly stuff has been very difficult to sort out.

I think he is much more apt to get pity than me when it comes to a lot of things. I am way more outspoken than he is and I am way more aggressive. It is difficult to explain but he comes across as physically and emotionally weak. I don't think anybody would ever really believe that he has done some of the things that he has done. The quickest way to upset him is to try to hold him accountable for his behavior. He gets very upset when I try to point out anything that is wrong with him or our relationship or anything of that nature. As long as I act happy and don't bring up anything negative, all is well.

[Tater tot]

Could any of the women here that were involved with BPD men elaborate on their experiences?

My understanding is that women make up the vast majority of those with BPD and from my personal experience it's difficult to see a man getting away with common BPD behavior. Take the physical violence for example, had the roles been reversed with the BPDx and i done to her what she did to me i would have probably gone to jail. Then there is also the sympathy factor-There are always countless guys around with white knight syndrome just waiting for a chance to come to the rescue and the same can not be said the other way around. A female is much more likely to easily get pity from others than a guy.

BPD preys on those of us "rescuers" who feel like we can save someone from themselves, or the whole love conquers all type of thing. My ex fit all the classic pbd traits- love bombing in the beginning, self disclosure of really personal things immediately that tugged at my heart strings, being wronged by every past girlfriend and was great at mirroring me, my values and what I wanted in life. He would alternate between an "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" to making baiting statements about his lack of worth or shortcomings to get someone to compliment him or build him up. He also was exteremly aggressive, not towards me, but towards others. He usually felt that he was being slighted or disrespected in any number of situations and while I never witnessed any of his violence, he often talked about it and spoke openly about it as if it was no big deal. He had a child and the fact that he appeared to be a great dad overshadowed some of those other flags, and while I don't doubt that he loves his child, but I think he also uses her as a tool to tug at the heartstrings of women he is pursuing.

He openly stated he has a switch and can turn hot and cold on hobbies, love interests, etc. As someone in the comments said, maybe these men aren't diagnosed because they are often just referred to as A-holes.

[Pingo]

BPD preys on those of us "rescuers" who feel like we can save someone from themselves, or the whole love conquers all type of thing. My ex fit all the classic pbd traits- love bombing in the beginning, self disclosure of really personal things immediately that tugged at my heart strings, being wronged by every past girlfriend and was great at mirroring me, my values and what I wanted in life. He would alternate between an "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" to making baiting statements about his lack of worth or shortcomings to get someone to compliment him or build him up. He also was exteremly aggressive, not towards me, but towards others. He usually felt that he was being slighted or disrespected in any number of situations and while I never witnessed any of his violence, he often talked about it and spoke openly about it as if it was no big deal. He had a child and the fact that he appeared to be a great dad overshadowed some of those other flags, and while I don't doubt that he loves his child, but I think he also uses her as a tool to tug at the heartstrings of women he is pursuing.

He openly stated he has a switch and can turn hot and cold on hobbies, love interests, etc. As someone in the comments said, maybe these men aren't diagnosed because they are often just referred to as A-holes.

Yes, this is what I saw in my ex also, he was very proud to be so 'tough' and talked about all the fights he got into when he was young, everything was resolved with violence and he wasn't going to take anything from anyone... .then in the next moment he was the waif, helpless and 'victim', blaming everyone else for his life circumstances.  He loved guns and movies about guns.  He was always pushing my s10 to be more tough, less sensitive.  He couldn't handle that he couldn't control him (his stepson).  And he could never see the paradox of his 'victim' stance along with his 'take no prisoners' stance.

Mine also was very proud of his black and white thinking.  When I'd express how the gray areas are where growth can happen he just ignored me, saw me as a liberal and was always trying to get me to go to the 'dark' side.

[kbear7891]

My husband finally was diagnosed with BPD after they tried schizophrenia. His hallucinations and delusions seemed to come and go with the situation. Almost like he were faking to get my attention. Well turns out he was. What finally led to the diagnosis is my husband thought OD'ing was a way to get my attention. Trust me living with Bi-polar disorder myself I never attempted suicide to gain attention. He is in the hospital now, but will be coming home in a few days. I am going to my first al-anon meeting tonight because it is the closest thing I can find that will help me take care of me and not enable my children(which are already developing borderline traits) or my husband. We won't all work together if I try to do it all myself. Hopefully I find some encouragement and mentoring. Also here as well, being consistent is always my toughest row to hoe.