Reaching out a last time to bid goodbye?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Is it a bad thing to break NC only to say goodbye? I’m not doing it to reconcile/recycle with my exBPDgf. I know it might open a door for her to come back but only if I let that happen. Right now I’m at a point where I know exactly that any kind of relationship with her wouldn’t work out. No romantic relationship, no friendship and I don’t want to have her around. The thing why I want to say goodbye is because she is moving away soon (so there’ll be no chance for her to reconcile/recycle anyway). I still value her as a human being (because that’s what she is after all). I know she is mentally ill, I accepted that and I know that everything she did was because of that. I can’t and don’t want to be with her anymore – my life is much better now without her in it. Yet I want to say goodbye. Not for her, but for me. I’m not holding any grudges, I want to do it for myself. I always say goodbye, that’s what I do.

I don’t care if me saying goodbye gives her any attention or supply, some power. I don’t think and feel in these dimensions. I want to gently and caringly let her go. I want to do it for myself. I don’t care if she won’t even respond. It’s not about her anymore, it’s about me. And maybe I’m being a bit narcissistic and egoistic BUT I know I’m a decent human being and decent human beings say goodbye – even though I had been treated like dirt. I live by the golden rule. That’s what I am. I know she won’t see it as a decent thing to do but it’s not about her opinion anymore.

[misty_red]

Is it a bad thing to break NC only to say goodbye? I’m not doing it to reconcile/recycle with my exBPDgf. I know it might open a door for her to come back but only if I let that happen. Right now I’m at a point where I know exactly that any kind of relationship with her wouldn’t work out. No romantic relationship, no friendship and I don’t want to have her around. The thing why I want to say goodbye is because she is moving away soon (so there’ll be no chance for her to reconcile/recycle anyway). I still value her as a human being (because that’s what she is after all). I know she is mentally ill, I accepted that and I know that everything she did was because of that. I can’t and don’t want to be with her anymore – my life is much better now without her in it. Yet I want to say goodbye. Not for her, but for me. I’m not holding any grudges, I want to do it for myself. I always say goodbye, that’s what I do.

I don’t care if me saying goodbye gives her any attention or supply, some power. I don’t think and feel in these dimensions. I want to gently and caringly let her go. I want to do it for myself. I don’t care if she won’t even respond. It’s not about her anymore, it’s about me. And maybe I’m being a bit narcissistic and egoistic BUT I know I’m a decent human being and decent human beings say goodbye – even though I had been treated like dirt. I live by the golden rule. That’s what I am. I know she won’t see it as a decent thing to do but it’s not about her opinion anymore.

[myself]

You have many good reasons, especially that you would be doing it for yourself, so I'd say go ahead. NC isn't meant to keep ourselves inside a prison cell. It's to find personal freedom so we can really be ourselves. As much shame as there is with this for a pwBPD, it's also good for them to hear and know that there are people who care about them and respect them as individuals. I'm curious, what would your "Goodbye" message sound like? I also sent one. It both closed the door on the r/s and opened one towards my future. It acknowledged what had happened and how things would be different from then on. All with just a couple of sentences. A heavy kind of relief. Accepting the finality of the situation. It helped me move on.

[Mutt]

Yes, NC is not a black and white rule. She's a person. Go ahead and say goodbye.

[misty_red]

Thank you for your responses.

I want to write something like: "Taking this opportunity to bid goodbye now. I wish you all the best and that everything will turn out like you've planned. Even though the friendship didn't work out I will keep you in my memory. Take care! misty_red" I'm writing in another language so in English it might sound a bit weird?

[Caredverymuch]

Is it a bad thing to break NC only to say goodbye? I’m not doing it to reconcile/recycle with my exBPDgf. I know it might open a door for her to come back but only if I let that happen. Right now I’m at a point where I know exactly that any kind of relationship with her wouldn’t work out. No romantic relationship, no friendship and I don’t want to have her around. The thing why I want to say goodbye is because she is moving away soon (so there’ll be no chance for her to reconcile/recycle anyway). I still value her as a human being (because that’s what she is after all). I know she is mentally ill, I accepted that and I know that everything she did was because of that. I can’t and don’t want to be with her anymore – my life is much better now without her in it. Yet I want to say goodbye. Not for her, but for me. I’m not holding any grudges, I want to do it for myself. I always say goodbye, that’s what I do.

I don’t care if me saying goodbye gives her any attention or supply, some power. I don’t think and feel in these dimensions. I want to gently and caringly let her go. I want to do it for myself. I don’t care if she won’t even respond. It’s not about her anymore, it’s about me. And maybe I’m being a bit narcissistic and egoistic BUT I know I’m a decent human being and decent human beings say goodbye – even though I had been treated like dirt. I live by the golden rule. That’s what I am. I know she won’t see it as a decent thing to do but it’s not about her opinion anymore.

I admire your altruism and values.  I am the same kind of person that way.  I tried to say goodbye to me ex for me, bc it felt right, for all the reasons you stated.  Unfortunately, it was not an experience that provided any closure at all.  Rather, an experience of being treated colder than ice and like an absolute stranger.  I hope far better for you.

[Mutt]

Your message comes from the heart misty_red. Caredverymuch has a point. It may not be received as intended and don't have high hopes. It may trigger feelings of shame and guilt and understand where it's subconsciously coming from. It could go either way. I hope that helps.

I like it, short to the point. I wish you the best, good-bye.

[Earthbayne]

If you can send the message without caring what the response may or may not be, go ahead.

But think about that long and hard.

[Caredverymuch]

If you can send the message without caring what the response may or may not be, go ahead.

But think about that long and hard.

I tend to agree here.  Bc even though you are in a better place as I was at that time, his reaction acted as a trigger for me and interrupted my healing. Not only did my ex treat me like an absolute and hated stranger, he refused to even speak to me as I maturely said what I wanted to say. Then he left me standing there. I recall feeling very regretful for approaching him and like absolute dirt on his heel. There is no part of me that feels he needed, valued, or even recalls my goodbye. He was far gone by then.

My T told me numerous times, closure will never be achieved by breaking NC. I had to achieve it on my own. 

Very not me but I learned that hard honest lesson that day.

[misty_red]

Caredverymuch: I'm sorry it didn't give you any closure!  I will be reaching out via message so I won't really see her. She'll be gone very soon anyway so I won't even notice her being cold to me anymore.

Mutt: Yes, it really does come from my heart. All I ever cared for was her finding some happiness in her life. I couldn't help her finding it and that's okay now. Maybe she'll find it on her own someday. You never know.

I'll keep your words in my mind. I will be fine if I won't get a response. I don't need one. It's not about her validation and/or how she might think/feel about me.

Earthbayne: Thank you for your advice. I will most definitely think about it again. I won't rush it.

I'll let you all know when I sent the message.

[Seriously?]

I kind of wish I had the opportunity to say goodbye. I think we are different in our strength levels. I don't feel strong enough to have a final goodbye right now.  Seeing him or talking to him or even sending him a message to which he doesn't reapond might trigger me. I am glad you are strong enough to do what you would if it were a normal relationship.

[Mutt]

I couldn't help her finding it and that's okay now. Maybe she'll find it on her own someday. You never know.

I agree. You never know if your ex will find happiness on her own. We can't fix the disorder and we're not above this disorder. It's someone you cared about. I wish the best for mine and that she finds a path that leads her to healing.

Who can predict what the future holds? We all have our own journeys.

[DangIthurts]

I couldn't help her finding it and that's okay now. Maybe she'll find it on her own someday. You never know.

I agree. You never know if your ex will find happiness on her own. We can't fix the disorder and we're not above this disorder. It's someone you cared about. I wish the best for mine and that she finds a path that leads her to healing.

Who can predict what the future holds? We all have our own journeys.

Yah the kid mine was talking to today whose a mutual friend that I was forced to see in my news feed... .I honestly would get some relief if she ended up with him as he won't look to use her or take advantage of her...

I wished mine the best, mentioned a few things she'd done for me that prior to her, I had no idea I'd like or want in my life (Like going to church). Thanked her. Told her she can do amazing things in this world, and that I saw it the day I met her, and that she was special to me, and I'm glad I met her, and developed the feelings I did for her... .

No response

[CareTaker]

I know my ex so well, that I will NOT send a final good bye email. Simply because I walked out, and now she will find this the ideal opportunity to say the worst things to me. There is nothing noble about these people, and if you do not do what they say or demand, you are the looser. No matter what.

I will not give her the pleasure of replying to my mail with all her insults. I know she already has compiled the mail, even if just in her mind. She is waiting for the opportunity to dig deeply into my character.

That is one wish I will not grant this toxic ex.

[misty_red]

I sent the message.

I know I won't get any response and I'm fine with that. I don't know what the message will do to her but I also don't want to think about it. I guess it can do anything to her because she creates her own reality. That's it. I'm done. I'll keep the rare nice memories of her in my mind. I needed to do it to cut the last chord. Now she's some blurred part of my past and there she'll remain.

The times I broke NC before it hurt a lot. But now it doesn't because it's no "breaking NC" as in misusing a tool. It's just saying goodbye. Saying goodbye how I would say goodbye to any human being else. I actually feel relieved 'cause now I don't need to worry about her trying to reconcile anymore. Even though if she'll try. I really need a long time to cut any chord with people, I rarely say goodbye to people because most of the time I try to hold on but when I'm done I'm done. When I say goodbye I mean it.