decided to apply NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm trying to detach from an old friend.

The relationship between my former roommate and me is a bit different from the typical categories. We lived in the same dormitory in college for four years, after that we studied in the same graduate department for three years, then we live in the same city. She behaved like a BPD from the very beginning, although not until this summer did I hear of the word BPD. She never raged at me, never threatened to suicide in front of me. She did those to others and then came to me to seek comfort. She trusts me and seeks help from me whenever she is in a crisis. I never let her down. I will listen to her, accompany her, and host her until she recovers. Maybe we are like sisters? She keeps saying that I am her best friend.

I feel painful to stay with her unstable emotions and too frequent life crisis. I am possessed by her. I must be ready for her needs, otherwise I will be the cruelest person who abandon her in her most needy situation. During these ten years I feel confused, miserable, and helpless. I have no idea what is wrong with her or myself and why the friendship tortures. I keep those secrets and feel that nobody understands me. These years I can’t function well both in the job and in my life. The vampire sucked my blood from time to time, leaving me weak and alone in the world, not knowing who else I am except her best friend.

Two years ago I finally told my boyfriend about this painful friendship, after telling I felt angry at her and decided to leave her. I don’t have the courage to let her know that I will end the friendship. I am afraid she cannot understand my feelings. Since she will not understand, she will not let me go before she has punished me enough.

I tried to creep out from her. I didn't contact proactively. I denied the invitation to meet by making excuses such as “I am busy today”. If she visited, I shared my life as little as possible. I dumped the gifts she gave to me. I dumped the items which reminded me of her.

Reducing the contact did not work well. Each time after she visited me, I feel depressed for several days. The memory that she brought back drowned me. I have not recovered from the painful ten years long trauma.

Today I decide to apply no contact. I will dump all the stuff that relates to her. I will refuse to have a dinner if she comes to my office. Then I will have the space to heal myself and rebuild my life.

[claireNew]

I'm trying to detach from an old friend.

The relationship between my former roommate and me is a bit different from the typical categories. We lived in the same dormitory in college for four years, after that we studied in the same graduate department for three years, then we live in the same city. She behaved like a BPD from the very beginning, although not until this summer did I hear of the word BPD. She never raged at me, never threatened to suicide in front of me. She did those to others and then came to me to seek comfort. She trusts me and seeks help from me whenever she is in a crisis. I never let her down. I will listen to her, accompany her, and host her until she recovers. Maybe we are like sisters? She keeps saying that I am her best friend.

I feel painful to stay with her unstable emotions and too frequent life crisis. I am possessed by her. I must be ready for her needs, otherwise I will be the cruelest person who abandon her in her most needy situation. During these ten years I feel confused, miserable, and helpless. I have no idea what is wrong with her or myself and why the friendship tortures. I keep those secrets and feel that nobody understands me. These years I can’t function well both in the job and in my life. The vampire sucked my blood from time to time, leaving me weak and alone in the world, not knowing who else I am except her best friend.

Two years ago I finally told my boyfriend about this painful friendship, after telling I felt angry at her and decided to leave her. I don’t have the courage to let her know that I will end the friendship. I am afraid she cannot understand my feelings. Since she will not understand, she will not let me go before she has punished me enough.

I tried to creep out from her. I didn't contact proactively. I denied the invitation to meet by making excuses such as “I am busy today”. If she visited, I shared my life as little as possible. I dumped the gifts she gave to me. I dumped the items which reminded me of her.

Reducing the contact did not work well. Each time after she visited me, I feel depressed for several days. The memory that she brought back drowned me. I have not recovered from the painful ten years long trauma.

Today I decide to apply no contact. I will dump all the stuff that relates to her. I will refuse to have a dinner if she comes to my office. Then I will have the space to heal myself and rebuild my life.

[claireNew]

I felt angry last few days. I think I am in the stage of anger.

I can't help but envision that her exbf would call me to ask where she is, just like he had ever done before, then I can tell him I  will never get involved in their conflicts. I envision that one of our mutual friend will ask me about her, then I can tell him what is her true face.

I wish the history could happen again, then I will have the opportunity to change my reaction.

I can't change the past. I can express my anger, but don't do anything to revenge. It is OK to feel angry. Accept being angry. I can't keep angry for a long time. It will go.

[Mutt]

Maybe we are like sisters? She keeps saying that I am her best friend

If she's idealizing yes. Be prepared to hear something different when she devaluates.

I am possessed by her. I must be ready for her needs, otherwise I will be the cruelest person who abandon her in her most needy situation.

I'm sorry you feel like she has sucked the life out of you. I think that NC is a good idea to emotionally detach, in time, your persepective may change. We control our feelings and emotions, another person does not control that.

I don’t have the courage to let her know that I will end the friendship. I am afraid she cannot understand my feelings.

Perhaps you're being avoidant? You can communicate your boundary and you have a choice not to communicate your boundary and go no contact. I'm sorry you're struggling.

I feel depressed for several days. The memory that she brought back drowned me. I have not recovered from the painful ten years long trauma.

The first step is always the hardest. Attachment leads to suffering. Detachment leads to freedom.

I can't help but envision that her exbf would call me to ask where she is, just like he had ever done before, then I can tell him I  will never get involved in their conflicts. I envision that one of our mutual friend will ask me about her, then I can tell him what is her true face.

You're not obligated to justify, explain or defend.

I can't change the past. I can express my anger, but don't do anything to revenge. It is OK to feel angry. Accept being angry. I can't keep angry for a long time. It will go.

I agree.

Anger is a normal part of life

   Anger is an accurate signal of real problems in a person's life

   Angry actions are screened carefully; you needn't automatically get angry just because you could

   Anger is expressed in moderation so there is no loss of control

   The goal is to solve the problems, not just to express anger

   Anger is clearly stated in ways that others can understand

   Anger is temporary. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolve

Hang in there.


--Mutt

[claireNew]

Anger is a normal part of life

   Anger is an accurate signal of real problems in a person's life

   Angry actions are screened carefully; you needn't automatically get angry just because you could

   Anger is expressed in moderation so there is no loss of control

   The goal is to solve the problems, not just to express anger

   Anger is clearly stated in ways that others can understand

   Anger is temporary. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolve

--Mutt

Thank you, Mutt.

I was still imagining a scene where I was able to express my attitude to her. Your words about anger help me calm down.

[claireNew]

One month has passed.

I discarded some things which were given by her. I found out that we had a very deep relationship, because there are more things than I had thought. From time to time, I found a thing of her. I even used her old diary notebook. The things I discarded included: the fake flower, a cushion, a diary, a comb, and so on.

I found a piece of birthday card from her, and words were very heart-warming. I can't deny that at that time her blessing was sincere.

During the past month we only contacted once. On Twitter she said sorry for forgetting my birthday and I replied "it doesn't matter". We didn't talk any more.

Last year she left some luggage in my room. She said it would be temporary. Every day I see these luggage. Maybe I should call her to take them.

I will still blame her when I feel depressed.