Taking back my life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For so long I have let others affect how I ran my life.  My dad, my now ex-husband, other relationships, and random people that have had a stake in my daily existence.  I'm finally feeling ready to take control over my life and step up to do what is in my best interest.

I have been in therapy (for the millionth time) since around June of this year - dealing with a variety of ongoing issues that I felt plagued me.  What it seems to boil down to is that I was not always keeping what's in my best interest in mind.  I've come to find that cooperation does not mean letting go of what's in my best interest.  I often thought that by putting some of my needs/wants aside, that it made for a more cooperative situation.  Sometimes that's true, but in my case, there has been a dysfunctional factor involved that stems back to my childhood.

My therapist asked me recently, as I was discussing situations that have occurred in my life where I was a victim, 'what did they take away from you?'.  Oh, um, hmmm.  I couldn't answer her question, and I didn't ask her what the answer was, as I knew she wouldn't tell me 

I've been thinking about it since she asked me.  Some general answers were that they took my feeling of control over my life and my self-respect.  I knew I had to dig a little deeper than that, and I wasn't sure where she was going with the question.  She also seemed to ask me a lot of questions about my anger, and pointed out that I did not seem to allow myself to get angry.  Finally, putting all the pieces together I realized that there was a connection between suppressing my emotions and my feeling in control over my life and doing what is best for me.

There is so much talk out there about not making decisions based on emotion.  I think it's important to realize that emotion is an important aspect of making meaningful decisions.  As discussed in the Wise Mind workshop (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0;all), balancing emotion and logic is one of the ways to get through tougher decisions that we encounter in our lives.  What I was doing with my logic was suppressing the emotion in order to get by instead of truly acknowledging it and incorporating it into my decisions in a logical manner.

A recent example is something that I've been going through with my father.  He has major anger issues, and is the primary person in my life who I allowed to affect who I have become in regards to watching out for my best interest.  His anger did a number of things.  First, it intimidated me and scared the crap out of me.  It also made me feel like I was a bad person and had done something wrong.  It made me go into either freeze or flight mode, with an occasional fight response.  When I fought back, his anger got worse, and reinforced the thought that when I fight something or stick up for myself, it will cause a bad reaction.  I learned to give up and give in.  I no longer want that in my life.

This recent experience with my dad revolves around an art collection that I was left by my mother when she passed away.  The art was my step-fathers, who pre-deceased her.  He was an amazing artist, and I am honored to have his collection to continue his legacy.  When I moved almost 2 years ago, I moved to an apartment where I could not store all the art and didn't have the money to get it here or get a storage unit, so my dad took it.

At first, I was ok with that, thinking I would get it some day.  Well, as time went on, it became a bargaining piece between my dad and I, one that has recently gotten to the point of him demonstrating, once again, his control issues over.  He wanted to sell it all and take a good portion of the money for his troubles.  His recent proposal was that he take 60% and the remaining 40% get split between me, my sister and my step-sister.  That was unacceptable.  In addition to what I felt was an unfair percentage, he also used the words in an email to me of 'this is not negotiable!'.  What?  I got so angry.

What I did was develop a plan with my sister to take the art back.  Last night I sent my dad an email about my plan and his response to me that I just read this morning was that he was so upset that he couldn't think straight and it made him want to put the art out on the curb.  He proceeded to say things that implied he was going to withdraw from my life - all very manipulative tactics, IMO, which I kind of expected.  It's sad that this is my relationship with him.

I replied back saying that I am ready to step up and manage the art, and that I hoped that we could move forward and not let this affect our relationship negatively.  No response yet.

One of the key 'ah ha' moments for me was yesterday when I told my T what had been happening and what I wanted to do.  I told her about the comment that my dad said about there will be no negotiations, and that's when she asked me how I felt.  I said angry, and then related that anger to my seeming to be angry as I felt I was taking a victim status.  That's when she said - your anger is absolutely appropriate, and that I wasn't acting as a victim with my anger, but it was more that my dad was victimizing me and my anger was a good thing.  That's when I realized the connection between suppressing emotion and the lack of control that I have been feeling.

I feel that by acknowledging that I do have an emotional attachment to the art, and it's ok to be angry, that it has helped to motivate me to use my logic and develop a plan to take control over the art, which to me is a sort of microcosm of taking control of my life and doing what is in my best interest - understanding that having emotion is ok, and can be used as a productive motivator. 

I hope that this does not sever the relationship completely with my dad, and I feel that this will eventually pass and it will work out.  In the meantime, I feel empowered again.  This is a good thing. 

[Want2know]

For so long I have let others affect how I ran my life.  My dad, my now ex-husband, other relationships, and random people that have had a stake in my daily existence.  I'm finally feeling ready to take control over my life and step up to do what is in my best interest.

I have been in therapy (for the millionth time) since around June of this year - dealing with a variety of ongoing issues that I felt plagued me.  What it seems to boil down to is that I was not always keeping what's in my best interest in mind.  I've come to find that cooperation does not mean letting go of what's in my best interest.  I often thought that by putting some of my needs/wants aside, that it made for a more cooperative situation.  Sometimes that's true, but in my case, there has been a dysfunctional factor involved that stems back to my childhood.

My therapist asked me recently, as I was discussing situations that have occurred in my life where I was a victim, 'what did they take away from you?'.  Oh, um, hmmm.  I couldn't answer her question, and I didn't ask her what the answer was, as I knew she wouldn't tell me 

I've been thinking about it since she asked me.  Some general answers were that they took my feeling of control over my life and my self-respect.  I knew I had to dig a little deeper than that, and I wasn't sure where she was going with the question.  She also seemed to ask me a lot of questions about my anger, and pointed out that I did not seem to allow myself to get angry.  Finally, putting all the pieces together I realized that there was a connection between suppressing my emotions and my feeling in control over my life and doing what is best for me.

There is so much talk out there about not making decisions based on emotion.  I think it's important to realize that emotion is an important aspect of making meaningful decisions.  As discussed in the Wise Mind workshop (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0;all), balancing emotion and logic is one of the ways to get through tougher decisions that we encounter in our lives.  What I was doing with my logic was suppressing the emotion in order to get by instead of truly acknowledging it and incorporating it into my decisions in a logical manner.

A recent example is something that I've been going through with my father.  He has major anger issues, and is the primary person in my life who I allowed to affect who I have become in regards to watching out for my best interest.  His anger did a number of things.  First, it intimidated me and scared the crap out of me.  It also made me feel like I was a bad person and had done something wrong.  It made me go into either freeze or flight mode, with an occasional fight response.  When I fought back, his anger got worse, and reinforced the thought that when I fight something or stick up for myself, it will cause a bad reaction.  I learned to give up and give in.  I no longer want that in my life.

This recent experience with my dad revolves around an art collection that I was left by my mother when she passed away.  The art was my step-fathers, who pre-deceased her.  He was an amazing artist, and I am honored to have his collection to continue his legacy.  When I moved almost 2 years ago, I moved to an apartment where I could not store all the art and didn't have the money to get it here or get a storage unit, so my dad took it.

At first, I was ok with that, thinking I would get it some day.  Well, as time went on, it became a bargaining piece between my dad and I, one that has recently gotten to the point of him demonstrating, once again, his control issues over.  He wanted to sell it all and take a good portion of the money for his troubles.  His recent proposal was that he take 60% and the remaining 40% get split between me, my sister and my step-sister.  That was unacceptable.  In addition to what I felt was an unfair percentage, he also used the words in an email to me of 'this is not negotiable!'.  What?  I got so angry.

What I did was develop a plan with my sister to take the art back.  Last night I sent my dad an email about my plan and his response to me that I just read this morning was that he was so upset that he couldn't think straight and it made him want to put the art out on the curb.  He proceeded to say things that implied he was going to withdraw from my life - all very manipulative tactics, IMO, which I kind of expected.  It's sad that this is my relationship with him.

I replied back saying that I am ready to step up and manage the art, and that I hoped that we could move forward and not let this affect our relationship negatively.  No response yet.

One of the key 'ah ha' moments for me was yesterday when I told my T what had been happening and what I wanted to do.  I told her about the comment that my dad said about there will be no negotiations, and that's when she asked me how I felt.  I said angry, and then related that anger to my seeming to be angry as I felt I was taking a victim status.  That's when she said - your anger is absolutely appropriate, and that I wasn't acting as a victim with my anger, but it was more that my dad was victimizing me and my anger was a good thing.  That's when I realized the connection between suppressing emotion and the lack of control that I have been feeling.

I feel that by acknowledging that I do have an emotional attachment to the art, and it's ok to be angry, that it has helped to motivate me to use my logic and develop a plan to take control over the art, which to me is a sort of microcosm of taking control of my life and doing what is in my best interest - understanding that having emotion is ok, and can be used as a productive motivator. 

I hope that this does not sever the relationship completely with my dad, and I feel that this will eventually pass and it will work out.  In the meantime, I feel empowered again.  This is a good thing. 

[Grey Kitty]

This is a good thing. I'm on a similar journey. Just this month I've realized how I have been checking out and avoiding my feelings since at least elementary school.

In my case, what I do is give others the chance to make choices for me, instead of making my own choices. (For 20+ years it has been my wife I let choose things for me)

I was so tuned out of my own feelings that I didn't even know what I wanted. I'm only now starting to get a few ideas, and try things. It is empowering even to make a choice and later decide that I didn't like the result as well as I would have liked a different choice!

[Want2know]

I was so tuned out of my own feelings that I didn't even know what I wanted.

My therapist often will stop me in my tracks when I start using my logic to suppress my feelings or not explore them more to get down to the nitty gritty - I see that now. 

For example, yesterday, when I was reading the email that I wanted to send my dad, she stopped me to say that we can talk about anything I like, but that I was being very business-like with her and that I would make better use of my time with her if we were to talk about how I felt about it all.  It made me realize that I do this more often than I'm aware - even in therapy 

So, an interesting response from my dad to my email about not wanting this to affect our relationship... .he said:

"I don't have a lot of time right now but I didn't want to let this hang.

I'm way relieved to be out from under the art but I feel like [name of step-father] and his memory are more important to you (and your sister) than I am. I guess I wasn't and still am not such a good father although I really don't understand why. I'm also not sure you are making the right decision to spend so much of your time and money on this project."

Hmmm... .I shared it with my sister and her comment was that he was not being accountable for his behavior.  His self-deprecating comments were a way to deflect from his poor behavior and what he could have done differently, and instead placed it on us as if we were doing something wrong to make him feel that way.  I explained to her that we see this so much on this site - people not exploring their part in the dance and instead blaming others for how they feel.

We both agreed we'd rather deal with the self-deprecation instead of his anger - still some work to do.

I did reply to him by saying "There are things we both could have handled better.  We are where we are now, and all we can do is try to do what is 'right' going forward.  I'm ready for that, as it is very important to me to take back my life and have a good relationship with you."

After I sent it, I realized I was continuing a pattern with him.  When he would get angry and act out when I was living with him as a child, he would usually apologize afterwards in a self-deprecating manner.  I would always forgive him and we would be back to 'normal'.  I'm not sure what a better response would have been to him to break that pattern - any ideas out there in bpdfamily-land?   

It also made me realize a lot about my previous relationships and how I would let their bad behavior slide when they apologized over and over.  That's where it came from. 

[Grey Kitty]

Is the part about standing up for what you want (between the anger and the self-deprication) a change for you?

You can change even if he does the same things.

[Want2know]

Yes, it is more solid than I've ever been with him.  I realize that what I sent him by email is actually ok, and that it's more what I do next that is important.  That I continue on with my plan to get the art and continue to stand up for myself and not let his comments distract me from doing so.

I do want to approach his comment about not understanding why he isn't a good father more with him, but didn't feel that right now is the time.  I am going to see him at Christmas time (when I go to get the art), and I'd rather address it in person.

[Grey Kitty]

  As you said, your actions are good. It is a lot of work to get there, though.

It is funny how these changes have been coming for me. I spent hours working on how to respond to a text message that came in from my wife overnight.

My "correct" response which was very different from my old patters was at most 20 words. I then proceeded to have a short exchange. I did do everything the way I want to do it, not the way I used to do it.

It 'should' have been less than five minutes of work to do it. Instead, I thought about it, posted here, even called a friend before I replied.

It takes a lot of effort and planning to actually do something different than what you've done before.

I do want to approach his comment about not understanding why he isn't a good father more with him, but didn't feel that right now is the time.  I am going to see him at Christmas time (when I go to get the art), and I'd rather address it in person.

Sounds like a better time to bring it up.

I don't know what mental illness or dysfunctions your father has... .If it is anything BPD-ish, bringing up a dysregulated remark later is a losing proposition as a rule. Dunno if this applies.

[Want2know]

It 'should' have been less than five minutes of work to do it. Instead, I thought about it, posted here, even called a friend before I replied.

It takes a lot of effort and planning to actually do something different than what you've done before.

One plus is that even though it took time to figure out how to respond, at least you are aware you need to do something differently and why.  I'm hoping it will become easier with practice for both of us. 

I do want to approach his comment about not understanding why he isn't a good father more with him, but didn't feel that right now is the time.  I am going to see him at Christmas time (when I go to get the art), and I'd rather address it in person.

Sounds like a better time to bring it up.

Yes, definitely.  In addition to bringing it up when the emotion has settled, I want to run it all by my therapist.  I think she will be helpful with getting me to a point where I have a better understanding and what to say - including how I really feel about it. 

I don't know what mental illness or dysfunctions your father has... .If it is anything BPD-ish, bringing up a dysregulated remark later is a losing proposition as a rule. Dunno if this applies.

I don't think he's BPD, more NPD than anything.  That is something my sister and I have discussed, that we lack trust in him as he seems to have demonstrated, over the course of our lives, that he is not always able to make decisions in our best interest, and that his emotion drives him into places that seem very self-oriented. 

[Grey Kitty]

It 'should' have been less than five minutes of work to do it. Instead, I thought about it, posted here, even called a friend before I replied.

It takes a lot of effort and planning to actually do something different than what you've done before.

One plus is that even though it took time to figure out how to respond, at least you are aware you need to do something differently and why.  I'm hoping it will become easier with practice for both of us. 

Indeed! It is a little frustrating how difficult it is to behave differently than I used to, and how much effort it takes. How much pre-planning before I show up for the event. How much I go back and analyze what I did when I get back to safety.

I'm trying to hold tight the feeling of excitement and achievement of acting DIFFERENTLY in the same old context for the first few times, and treat myself gently, instead of beating myself up because it is slow and difficult, and that I need to bounce things off friends, therapists, or this community before I am ready to act.

I trust it will become easier with practice, as you say. It did before--I've lots of practice with boundary enforcement on verbal/emotional abuse, and it is MUCH easier, almost automatic for me now.

[Want2know]

It is a little frustrating how difficult it is to behave differently than I used to, and how much effort it takes. How much pre-planning before I show up for the event. How much I go back and analyze what I did when I get back to safety.

Frustrating... .some of that.  For me it's more the anxiety surrounding whatever it is that was debilitating and lead me to other dysfunctional behavior (ie. drinking).  I feel some of that anxiety subsiding, which is a good sign. 

Some twists and turns with the art situation happening, but overall, I feel confident - there's the difference.  Confidence that I will figure it out and stay the course.  I have so much good support built around me now, having purged the toxic things in my life.  Moving forward!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Want2know,

Reading what happened between your father and you got me angry, too! I think it reminded me of a situation with my brother after my father died. Things have not been good between us since, and I am sad about it.

I think it's great that you chose to respond differently to your dad, even though he didn't like it. I know the feeling well, especially the backlash that comes when I don't play the "role" I have always played in the dynamic.

I feel that by acknowledging that I do have an emotional attachment to the art, and it's ok to be angry, that it has helped to motivate me to use my logic and develop a plan to take control over the art, which to me is a sort of microcosm of taking control of my life and doing what is in my best interest - understanding that having emotion is ok, and can be used as a productive motivator. 

One thing that struck me here is the notion of "control." I might have chosen the word "responsibility," for example. What are your thoughts/feelings around control vs. responsibility?

I hope that this does not sever the relationship completely with my dad, and I feel that this will eventually pass and it will work out.  In the meantime, I feel empowered again.  This is a good thing. 

This is so understandable, wanting to maintain a connection to your dad, even when things spiral into unhealthy patterns. It's a great opportunity to change.  I am in a holding pattern with my brother at this point, ready to let go of the issue, but not willing to engage–not just yet. I'm hopeful about the future, though.

Congrats on taking your life back, W2k. These are huge steps toward more peace and happiness.

heartandwhole 

[Want2know]

I feel that by acknowledging that I do have an emotional attachment to the art, and it's ok to be angry, that it has helped to motivate me to use my logic and develop a plan to take control over the art, which to me is a sort of microcosm of taking control of my life and doing what is in my best interest - understanding that having emotion is ok, and can be used as a productive motivator. 

One thing that struck me here is the notion of "control." I might have chosen the word "responsibility," for example. What are your thoughts/feelings around control vs. responsibility?

My thoughts... .I looked up both words in the dictionary and see that control is defined as to have the power over something.  Responsibility is a duty or task that you are required or expected to do.  It is about both.  The power to make happen and follow through on what I feel obligated to do in regards to the memory of my step-father, his legacy, and my mother, her bequest to me, and to myself and my sisters regarding any income that the art may generate.

Which comes first, though, I think is what you are getting at.  Do I want the power over my dad being that he has had so much power over my life, or is my motivation to secure my step-fathers legacy, the driver of taking control?

My feelings... .initially that anger was about control.  His statement of there being no negotiating what is my inheritance generated an enormous amount of emotion surrounding control - his control over what is mine.  As I engaged my anger I had to work through why I was angry, and came to a peace over knowing the right thing to do. 

I did give him the option to manage some of the art that I did not feel attached to, and he withdrew completely - saying he felt like putting the art out on the curb and that he would make sure it was at a place that I didn't have to see him when I came to get it.  It reminded me of what my mom had told me a while ago about the custody battle my parents had over my sister and I when they were going through their divorce.  She told me that, at some point in the negotiation, my dad threatened to 'disappear' from our lives completely if my mother did not give him custody of us.  She relinquished, and we lived with my dad - something that seemed to cause my mother considerable guilt when she realized the situation that she left us in with my dad, his anger, his dysfunctional relationships - basically, a lack of a stable, healthy living environment to grow up in.  It's what he knows to do, how he responds when feeling threatened or lack of control - fight or flight.  He usually comes around and becomes more cooperative, but his initial responses are very emotionally immature.

Very interesting experience and connections that I am making now on so many levels.

His latest communication was more civil and cooperative, with the ending statement typical:

"I have to say again that I think you are making a considerable mistake doing this with the art and that you should give it some more serious thought. You would be much better off if you devoted this time to getting the education you need to earn a better living.

But whatever you do, I love you too."

I have a degree and a good job with a lot of work experience that can provide a job to make more money.  I've been the money making route before, and it was probably one of the reasons my marriage went downhill - I put too much energy into my job instead of my relationship.  I do not want a job like that again.  I live a pretty good life.  Would I like to have more money?  Sure.  Am I willing to compromise my personal life for it now?  No.  I'd rather try my hand at selling the art as a side 'job'.  I see his comment as somewhat fatherly and also possibly going back to his comment of feeling like I care more for my step-father than him.  Oy vey!  It is what it is.

I am in a holding pattern with my brother at this point, ready to let go of the issue, but not willing to engage–not just yet. I'm hopeful about the future, though.

Hopeful is good.  Somewhere through all of this I have been able to remain hopeful.  Not knowing the details, my guess is you will have to be the 'bigger person'.  Stay true to yourself HnW - much love to you!