Wondering what to expect next

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Quick re-cap.  I ended my marriage to my emotionally (and beginning to be physically) abusive uBPDexh in June after 1 recycle.  Once out of the house he went NC except for an email exchange in August when I found out that he had been lying to me between recycle and ending it and I called him on it.  It wasn't a pleasant exchange.  I have since tried to get my stuff back from him that he has of mine to no avail.  He has ignored any email regarding this.  He also owes me thousands of dollars in debt which he ignores.  I finally decided to give up getting my stuff back and bought new stuff to replace the old. 

He texts me last week: I still love you Pingo

I have an app blocking him and returns a text saying it wasn't delivered.

This week he emails me: Do you still feel the same way about us and our marriage as you did 5 months ago?

I ignore it and delete it.

What next?  Will he get the hint?  Or will this escalate?  Will he show up at my office?  Is NC the right way to deal with him?  I'm afraid because of his scary controlling, possessive nature that he won't let me just ignore him.  I also fear of retaliation.  He is NOT a pacifist!  He believes an eye for an eye (like so many of our exes here). 

Any advise or words of wisdom?

[Pingo]

Quick re-cap.  I ended my marriage to my emotionally (and beginning to be physically) abusive uBPDexh in June after 1 recycle.  Once out of the house he went NC except for an email exchange in August when I found out that he had been lying to me between recycle and ending it and I called him on it.  It wasn't a pleasant exchange.  I have since tried to get my stuff back from him that he has of mine to no avail.  He has ignored any email regarding this.  He also owes me thousands of dollars in debt which he ignores.  I finally decided to give up getting my stuff back and bought new stuff to replace the old. 

He texts me last week: I still love you Pingo

I have an app blocking him and returns a text saying it wasn't delivered.

This week he emails me: Do you still feel the same way about us and our marriage as you did 5 months ago?

I ignore it and delete it.

What next?  Will he get the hint?  Or will this escalate?  Will he show up at my office?  Is NC the right way to deal with him?  I'm afraid because of his scary controlling, possessive nature that he won't let me just ignore him.  I also fear of retaliation.  He is NOT a pacifist!  He believes an eye for an eye (like so many of our exes here). 

Any advise or words of wisdom?

[RisingSun]

Sorry to hear you're still dealing this after so many months. My xw was doing some of the same stuff early on. I would never respond to any attempt by her to engage me in conversations which weren't of a logistical nature. I had to muster up all the restraint I could not to respond to some of the outlandish stuff she threw at me. I'm so happy I didn't buckle under the pressure though.

If you respond to his attempts he will only see this as a sign that you're still invested in him. This will open things up for further dialogue. Obviously not something you want.

You don't woe him a response. Nor will a response do any good.

They will try everything they can come up with to get you to respond. Don't fall for any of it. If there's money he owes you, my suggestion is to let it go. Sounds like you've replace the things he has of yours, so let those go as well.

If by chance he offers you the money and your things back, you might want to respond that he can have them. This will bring closure to the issue. He'll most likely use this as bait at some point.

I had to cut my losses, which where great indeed. But at this point I feel it was well worth it.

After a few months of my xw's continual attempts at engagement and my silence, she stopped pestering me.

Best of luck     

[fromheeltoheal]

Sounds like the pendulum has swung the other was and he's now feeling abandoned, coupled with he hasn't found a new way to soothe his emotions.  There's also a thingy called an extinction burst, where a borderline notices that the relationship has fundamentally changed, no sht, you left, and the old tricks don't work anymore, so he will effectively panic and bombard you with communication attempts; sounds a little late for that, but who knows, everyone's different.  Plus, with the handy ability to reframe reality to fit his feelings, none of the crap that went down was all that bad and you may be a princess again in his head.  That will end on its own, mine quit after about 6 months, a borderline will finally accept the attachment is severed and run off in search of another shiny object.  Standard borderline here, apply as needed.

If you think you did anything wrong that you should fix, then fix it, otherwise removing him from your life is the best thing if you don't want to be with him.  You know him, and if you're scared for your physical safety you could get the courts and law enforcement involved; just the notice that you got a restraining order against him can send a very strong message, which he will respond to the way he does.  Also good to have as many people to confide in as possible and a plan in case something unexpected happens and you have to bail.  Vigilance now is prudent, and when he loses interest he will lose it all the way and be gone.  Take care of you!

[Pingo]

Thank you fromheeltoheal & RisingSun, I do hope that he does just go away.  I have no desire to respond.  I know that even a simple "no" to his question will open up a dialogue I do not wish to have.  I have given up the idea that I'll ever see the money or stuff.  I have made peace with that for my own mental health.  I'm just feeling perhaps paranoid, perhaps gut instinct that he could ramp this up if I keep ignoring him.  I have imagined he might stop by my office or something like that.  I've played this out in my head and if he does so I'll say very loudly "leave this office immediately" and then pick up the phone and dial 911.  He is afraid of the cops as he's the paranoid type and doesn't want them involved (he wouldn't want to risk losing his guns) so this would hopefully get rid of him... .or make him seek revenge, who knows.  If I feel threatened I will get a RO as that would be very effective I think. I am assuming his replacement has given him the boot and now he's lonely.  I have told his brother's wife what's going on so at least if anything happens people will know.  She's been very supportive to me.

[Pingo]

Aaaaand he's not done, apparently, just emailed me again:

"I will guess that you not answering means you feel the same way about me and us and our marriage...

I know I deserve you not answering me... .

I am sorry for not answering you and for being an ass... ."

Thank God I have my counselling appointment today! Gahhh!

[fromheeltoheal]

I know I deserve you not answering me... .

I am sorry for not answering you and for being an ass... ."

Does he really know, or is he just saying that and apologizing in an attempt to elicit sympathy and hopefully produce some guilt?

[Pingo]

I know I deserve you not answering me... .

I am sorry for not answering you and for being an ass... ."

Does he really know, or is he just saying that and apologizing in an attempt to elicit sympathy and hopefully produce some guilt?

Oh, he's full of crap!  I am way beyond falling for any of his BS!  Just wish he'd drop off a cliff or something, hate watching over my shoulder for the rest of my life!

[Infern0]

We nons often get paranoid in these situations and to be honest a lot of the times probably over think things.

If he's sending you the odd message here and there saying he still loves you etc I can almost guarantee that he's also putting the feelers out to other sources of supply too.

Case in point when my ex was trying to break nc with me and not getting any luck I then noticed that she'd become facebook friends with one of her other exes.

It's just a case of needing supply and they will find it elsewhere if not from you. 

Don't worry about escalation because it doesn't seem like he's at that stage, if it does happen that's what the police are for.

[Mutt]

Aaaaand he's not done, apparently, just emailed me again:

"I will guess that you not answering means you feel the same way about me and us and our marriage...

I know I deserve you not answering me... .

I am sorry for not answering you and for being an ass... ."

Thank God I have my counselling appointment today! Gahhh!

It's unfortunate Pingo and annoying. He doesn't understand boundaries and it's up to us to defend them. I used to get messages like this and I'd get triggered. It's emotional blackmail and you have Guilt and perhaps Obligation in FOG. Don't respond and he'll eventually get the picture. It's not to say he won't message from time to time. My ex knows I mean business and she'll try her guilt with the kids ( only topic I discuss and her only avenue with her emotional blackmail ) I know what's truth.

A goal can be to become indifferent. It takes time. It's emotional immaturity, that's all it is. It's frustrating for you nonetheless for now. If you create a goal, eventually you can de-personalize this stuff. It's such a difference from a year ago where I was emotionally attached to her toxicity in emails, now I don't think twice about her emotional immaturity and thankfully by sticking to my boundaries these messages are few and far between.

[Pingo]

It's unfortunate Pingo and annoying. He doesn't understand boundaries and it's up to us to defend them. I used to get messages like this and I'd get triggered. It's emotional blackmail and you have Guilt and perhaps Obligation in FOG. Don't respond and he'll eventually get the picture. It's not to say he won't message from time to time. My ex knows I mean business and she'll try her guilt with the kids ( only topic I discuss and her only avenue with her emotional blackmail ) I know what's truth.

A goal can be to become indifferent. It takes time. It's emotional immaturity, that's all it is. It's frustrating for you nonetheless for now. If you create a goal, eventually you can de-personalize this stuff. It's such a difference from a year ago where I was emotionally attached to her toxicity in emails, now I don't think twice about her emotional immaturity and thankfully by sticking to my boundaries these messages are few and far between.

What it triggers is fear.  And I'm having such a hard time with anxiety in general it just adds to the pile.  I'm really not coping with it very well.  I don't think I feel any guilt right now (although I have a lot since the BU) because it's hard to feel guilty when you feel like you might end up dead.  I spoke to my counsellor about it last night.  She suggested I could consider getting a peace bond and she also thought calling a battered women's shelter (even though I wasn't battered) would be helpful as they could give me ideas and there'd be a record of my concerns.  He's just so damn unstable, it's the unknown, not being able to control the outcome that is so difficult.  I can't imagine sharing kids on top of all this, my heart goes out to you Mutt and the others who have to raise children with these people. 

[Mutt]

I'm sorry Pingo   That must be scary. Wise advise with the peace bond. My advice don't give it a second thought. Call the shelter as it's important to have records. Parallel parenting works quite well with my situation.  It eliminates conflict. That way I can do my job as dad. I hope things improve and you feel better Pingo  

[Pingo]

Thank you, Mutt.  My counsellor pointed out how I survived through my rotten childhood: I was a rebel.  She asked me how that rebel in me could serve me now.  It is my new goal.  Become a rebel, don't take this lying down, don't become a shut-in because I'm too afraid of everything.  Got to find some fight in me, it's the rebel that got me out of my difficult marriage.  

[Mutt]

Thank you, Mutt.  My counsellor pointed out how I survived through my rotten childhood: I was a rebel.  She asked me how that rebel in me could serve me now.  It is my new goal.  Become a rebel, don't take this lying down, don't become a shut-in because I'm too afraid of everything.  Got to find some fight in me, it's the rebel that got me out of my difficult marriage.  

I can relate. You've got fight. Be a wise rebel  Channel the rebel in you to get this done. Rest on your laurels later.

[Pingo]

So quick update, he has emailed me a couple of more times, one from a different email as I guess he thought I had him blocked.  Then today two blocked text messages and when he couldn't get through that way he called my office and left a message (ten minutes before I was due to arrive).  Wishing me Happy Birthday!  I decided I couldn't keep ignoring him so sent him this email:

Let's get this straight because I'm only going to say it once.  I want no contact with you.  I want you to leave me alone.  If you contact me one more time I will go to the police (with this email stating that I want no contact) and get a restraining order.  Do not reply to this email.  Do not phone me on my cell.  Do not text me on my cell.  Do not show up in person.  Do not call my work number.  Zero contact. 

I am confidant he will not want to involve the police as he loves his guns too much and wouldn't jeopardise the chance they could be confiscated.  I've decided I'm not going to be afraid or paranoid of him anymore.  If he decides to seek revenge there's nothing I could do to stop him, he's a sharp shooter.  So I will live my life!  Not going to be a prisoner inside my own head any longer!

[fromheeltoheal]

So quick update, he has emailed me a couple of more times, one from a different email as I guess he thought I had him blocked.  Then today two blocked text messages and when he couldn't get through that way he called my office and left a message (ten minutes before I was due to arrive).  Wishing me Happy Birthday!  I decided I couldn't keep ignoring him so sent him this email:

Let's get this straight because I'm only going to say it once.  I want no contact with you.  I want you to leave me alone.  If you contact me one more time I will go to the police (with this email stating that I want no contact) and get a restraining order.  Do not reply to this email.  Do not phone me on my cell.  Do not text me on my cell.  Do not show up in person.  Do not call my work number.  Zero contact. 

I am confidant he will not want to involve the police as he loves his guns too much and wouldn't jeopardise the chance they could be confiscated.  I've decided I'm not going to be afraid or paranoid of him anymore.  If he decides to seek revenge there's nothing I could do to stop him, he's a sharp shooter.  So I will live my life!  Not going to be a prisoner inside my own head any longer!

Good for you Pingo, I hear someone taking their power back.  And there's nothing ambiguous about that email, straight and to the point.  Bet you feel pretty good about now, yes?

[HappyNihilist]

  Pingo, I'm so sorry you've been struggling with fear and anxiety. I know that him contacting you like that has to be very painful and triggering. Your email to him was very strong, rational, and non-negotiable. It's clear who is in control here. You certainly are a force to be reckoned with.  

I sympathize with the fear and anxiety. My exbf was a possessive, controlling, angry, jealous, vengeful man, besides being big and very, very strong. I had some severe paranoid episodes right after the breakup, and random jolts of pure fear when something triggered me. The first couple of times he contacted me afterwards, I got so scared again -- even though what he said wasn't scary, just annoying and/or hurtful.

(He also, like your ex, is given to apologizing for being an ass, which is his preferred description of himself. Ah, my Prince Charming.   )

He hasn't done anything, though, to make me question my safety. Wherever that possessive, controlling, scary energy comes from inside, apparently it doesn't extend much past the relationship in front of him. He just puts out those "feelers" every now and then, then disappears into the ether again. Now, I consider him more of an eternal pain in my arse than anything to be feared.

None of this means that I don't still feel scared, or get triggered by something and go "back there." But it's gotten a lot better, and I can only imagine that it will continue to do so. This whole experience is teaching me a lot about myself, and reminding me of the strength I have within me, and forcing me to draw upon it.

I know you have that strength. I know it will get better for you. You've already shown so much strength and growth.  

So I will live my life!  Not going to be a prisoner inside my own head any longer!

[Pingo]

Thank you fromheeltoheal and Happy Nihilist for your kind words.  It's funny, once I finally took that final step the fear and anger I had been feeling turned to sadness.  Sad that I have to say these harsh words to a man I once loved so much.  I know there is no other way to deal with him but the guilt still tries to creep in.  Still hard to imagine how I could still feel sadness and guilt for the same man that I am afraid of.  He was such a Jekyll and Hyde person.  So great and then so awful.  Which made for such a tumultuous and confusing 4 yrs. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Sad that I have to say these harsh words to a man I once loved so much.  I know there is no other way to deal with him but the guilt still tries to creep in.

Yes.  If it was all bad we'd have no problem walking away right away and this site wouldn't be necessary.  But it wasn't all bad.  Something that may help with the guilt is to get selfish; selfishness gets a bad rap, and can be difficult for givers, but really we have to take care of ourselves first, or we have nothing to give.  And as we know, giving and giving to a borderline will suck us dry, and at some point we don't have a choice.  And if we're going to end up with someone to give to, who can reciprocate, we need to fill ourselves up first, part of which includes removing the energy drains.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

Let's get this straight because I'm only going to say it once.  I want no contact with you.  I want you to leave me alone.  If you contact me one more time I will go to the police (with this email stating that I want no contact) and get a restraining order.  Do not reply to this email.  Do not phone me on my cell.  Do not text me on my cell.  Do not show up in person.  Do not call my work number.  Zero contact. 

I like it Pingo. You're using your voice and your not going to take it. He calls again follow up and call the RCMP.

[Pingo]

Thanks Mutt, absolutely!  I'm not one to bluff!  Keeping records of all texts & emails too.