I am never coming back Do they really meant it ?

[guy4caligirl]

Leave me alone, let me be ,don't contact me anymore, I don't want know anything about , I am very happy , it was the best decision when I left etc ,

Has anyone gone through  this and ,she did come back ?

[honeybadger]

No, they don't mean it. Their (unrealized) fear of abandonment is too great. I get that all the time – utter devaluation, then "don't leave me," in so many words.

It's sad when you realize how deep their fear is – and how they don't even realize what they are doing with their push-pull behaviors.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

feelings=facts.

so yes maybe in the moment this is how she felt.

in a day, a week, a month... who knows.

shes a grab bag of emotions. pick a number out of a hat of sorts.

if ive learned anything its that pwBPD are consistently inconsistent.

dont take it to heart.

[hope2727]

Mine appears to have meant it. he hasn't contacted me in 8 weeks and is splashing the replacement all over Facebook. I WISH he would call. I miss my best friend.

[embeddedstuck]

Not sure. My ex dumped me in similar fashion 6 months ago, only to return 2 months later, and say the exact opposite of those words. 2 months after that (few weeks ago), left in same fashion again with the same words as 6 months ago. Who knows. The more I try to think about it and figure it out, the more confused and hurt I become.

[Blimblam]

My first BPD ex I went through like 5+ recycles with her then one day it just ended and didn't hear from her for like 2 years. Then didn't hear from her for like 5 more. So there is a possibility.

There are a lot of stories on here about recycles.

[embeddedstuck]

My first BPD ex I went through like 5+ recycles with her then one day it just ended and didn't hear from her for like 2 years. Then didn't hear from her for like 5 more. So there is a possibility.

There are a lot of stories on here about recycles.

Curious, what was the time frame between these recycles?

Although I do know that on/off relationships have become pretty common these days, so it's not necessarily a BPD thing. =/

[Infern0]

Mine told me that she hated me, never wanted anything to do with me again and would never talk to me again, ever.

Two weeks later. ... ."why do you hate meeeeeeee I just don't understand please can we talk about this"

[.cup.car]

Nope, they never mean it.

She claimed she was a lesbian twice and that I was forcing her to go against her sexuality and cut contact and all that, and within 8-10 months she would contact me and apologize for "being stupid" and she'd recycle me again cause I was like 19 and had no idea What the heck was going on other than a pretty girl was obsessing over me and my buds told me to go for it.

After being painted black I was called several names, told there was "nothing" between us and that I was making up stories about "us" to make myself feel better (wat), and five days later at 6am she texts me saying "I hope you see someone and think of me" or saying she would have gone to a concert with me if she didn't drop $80 on weed.

Hadn't heard from her in a year, and the day, legit the DAY I moved away (and told like two people), somehow she decides that's the perfect time to dig up 15 month old internet posts and start arguing with me. And this was on Canada day weekend so there were about a million other things she could have been doing aside from starting drama with me. But no, the passive aggressive twitter posts and false accusations kept coming.

Their minds are generally aimed in the right direction - you both put forth the emotional investment needed in a relationship, but the order and process for a pwBPD in which to apply this investment is scrambled. Their internal "engine" starts mixing up cylinders and it leads to all sorts of bizarre situations.

[Lolster]

Well mine didn't say he was never coming back, he told me to never come back/contact him again.  He already knew I wouldn't contact him after what had transpired and the fact that it wasn't me who made contact after years.  It's a defence mechanism, helps them to think they left rather than being abandoned.  I'm pretty sure if I did contact him he would attempt to drag me right back on his merry-go-round.

[Dutched]

At that moment, YES   as Chasing_Ghost said  feelings = facts.

Their past behaviour predicts their future behaviour. So in a way very predictable.

I consider exw as a ‘people cutter’, she did it as teenager with her parents (nc for almost a decade), did it some yrs. ago in my case.

On this Board you see lot of stories (as in this topic) of exes contacting one within months, a year, but also after a 10-15 yrs.

Compare it with a 4 yr old. In anger they say ‘I never play with you again!’ Later, when they are past their shame/anger it is ‘shall we play?’, all forgotten, isn’t it?

In fact pwBPD never say goodbye, they can’t!

Exw left but refused to shake my hand twice as a goodbye, nor was able to wish me success with my future, nor was able to tell me she wanted to divorce. I once told her, 'yes, you are divorced… on paper'.

Until today, no goodbye, no wishing me success, but still wearing my earrings (despite in a "r/s" with a soother, a 15 yrs older retired grandpa).

Some yrs. ago in my local Group a psychiatrist said when pwBPD devalue you (part of the techniques to de personalize attacks/outbursts) to replace the ‘YOU’ with ‘I‘

So the ‘don’t contact me anymore’… translated ‘I contact you’ (when I need you)

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Dutched , you make a lot of sense .

[HappyNihilist]

They mean what they say at the moment they say it. As others here have said, feelings=facts. Does that translate to them meaning it consistently? No. Their feelings and needs change.

The important thing to keep in mind is this: do YOU need that person in your life? Only you can answer that for yourself. But if it's a person who causes you pain and suffering, then you should really look deep within yourself and ask what benefit the relationship is providing you, and if there's a healthier way to fulfill that need.

So the ‘don’t contact me anymore’… translated ‘I contact you’ (when I need you)

This.

[Deeno02]

She said when shes done, shes done. Im holding her to it... .

[Mutt]

Leave me alone, let me be ,don't contact me anymore, I don't want know anything about , I am very happy , it was the best decision when I left etc ,

Has anyone gone through  this and ,she did come back ?

Oh yes.

She said when shes done, shes done. Im holding her to it... .

Never say never. Black and white statements. In these moments you're not idealized. The pendulum swings from idealization to devaluation. You're split black. Your exes have difficulties seeing the grey area with people. You are either "all good" or "all bad" That said, the pendulum swings back.

[Deeno02]

Leave me alone, let me be ,don't contact me anymore, I don't want know anything about , I am very happy , it was the best decision when I left etc ,

Has anyone gone through  this and ,she did come back ?

Oh yes.

She said when shes done, shes done. Im holding her to it... .

Never say never. Black and white statements. In these moments you're not idealized. The pendulum swings from idealization to devaluation. You're split black. Your exes have difficulties seeing the grey area with people. You are either "all good" or "all bad" That said, the pendulum swings back.

Perhaps so, Mutt. But its my choice. And my choice is no!

[lm911]

Leave me alone, let me be ,don't contact me anymore, I don't want know anything about , I am very happy , it was the best decision when I left etc ,

Has anyone gone through  this and ,she did come back ?

Same word were spoken to me. In this moment they meant it. It was about 6 months ago and so far she has not contacted me. But who knows 10 minutes or 10 days later what they thought? Time will show wherher she will contact you or no.

[fred6]

Never say never. Black and white statements. In these moments you're not idealized. The pendulum swings from idealization to devaluation. You're split black. Your exes have difficulties seeing the grey area with people. You are either "all good" or "all bad" That said, the pendulum swings back.

All good or all bad was my ex. I went to talk to her parents to say goodbye, I felt like part of the family .When I mentioned about her splitting from me and her long time friends, her stepmother said, "either she's your friend or she's not". Her parents and family seem to be enablers or either scared of her. She never told me that she's never coming back. Hell she didn't really say much of anything towards the end there. But then again, I haven't heard a peep out of her since I left. Her silence speaks volumes to me.

For as many red flags and traits that I see in hindsight, to me it doesn't even matter what's wrong with her, whether it be BPD or something else. All I know is that her behavior and the way it all went down wasn't normal.

[enlighten me]

My situations a bit different. I said I was moving out and we discussed this and agreed it would be good for us and we could work on the relationship without being under each others feet. Once I was gone the relationship was over. She kept on saying tgat she had to live the life of a single mum. I sought closure and asked where we stood. To this day even though she is with someone else she has never said we are over. We never had yhe big bust up with the I never want to see you again speach. I have contact with her as we have a son together but it is only to do with him.

In a way I think I am more confused by this behaviour. I ask myself does it mean she doesnt want to let go or does it mean I meant that little that It isnt neccessary to break up with as I didnt matter.

She also kept saying that when I decide its over I go and never look back. I wonder whether this is true as she talked about all her exs and a couple of them very lovingly. Maybe the guilt and shame is so great that she never recycles.

[bungenstein]

You never know, pray to god that if she does come back, you have learnt enough about the disorder and healed enough that you can turn her away, swiftly and without drama.

You have witnessed what happens in a relationship with a BPD, and the same thing has happened to everyone on this board. If they come back, be positive to disengage and make it clear that you are indifferent to them and do not care, then they will look for supply elsewhere.

There is no other outcome, if you recycle, it will all happen again, and your health will get even worse, this is a stone cold guarantee, the disorder dictates it and there is no way around it. Once you really get your head around the disorder you can predict their future behaviour more or less, whether she comes back has to do with if shes lost a source of supply and how likely she thinks you will give her supply.

One thing is certain and this is all that matters, if you are close to a person with BPD, you will be abused, it is an inevitability, if you let yourself become abused enough to become addicted to the abuse, you will ruin your life.

[mitchell16]

since our split in june mine has said after every text, voicemail or letter that if I dindt respond that she was moving on with her life and would never contact me again. of course until the next day or 3 days later or whatever. So i cant speak for all but mine has made that empty threat over and over to only keep on contacting me. But what she dont relaize is I hope she never contact me again in any form.

[fred6]

She also kept saying that when I decide its over I go and never look back. I wonder whether this is true as she talked about all her exs and a couple of them very lovingly. Maybe the guilt and shame is so great that she never recycles.

My ex talked badly about a few of her ex's. Most of the other ones, and there were lots, I don't even know anything about them because she never mentioned them. I guess out of sight, out of mind. But as far as I know, my ex doesn't recycle either. I know that she told me that she did with the 2 most "abusive" guys. But her words are, "I don't do the break up make up thing". So maybe she knows how badly she did me and that's why I'll never hear from her. It must suck to carry that shame around.

[fred6]

One thing is certain and this is all that matters, if you are close to a person with BPD, you will be abused, it is an inevitability, if you let yourself become abused enough to become addicted to the abuse, you will ruin your life.

I think for many of us, the fact that our ex is undiagnosed makes it hard to process everything. At least for me it does. Even though I know that I was done wrong by her and her actions were horrible. The fact that she is undiagnosed give me a good deal of uncertainty about everything and leaves me stuck sometimes. But like Mutt says, behaviors are behaviors and traits are traits.

[bungenstein]

One thing is certain and this is all that matters, if you are close to a person with BPD, you will be abused, it is an inevitability, if you let yourself become abused enough to become addicted to the abuse, you will ruin your life.

I think for many of us, the fact that our ex is undiagnosed makes it hard to process everything. At least for me it does. Even though I know that I was done wrong by her and her actions were horrible. The fact that she is undiagnosed give me a good deal of uncertainty about everything and leaves me stuck sometimes. But like Mutt says, behaviors are behaviors and traits are traits.

I understand completely, its taken me 11 months to come to a point of complete realisation of my exes illness, when you go into a relationship with these people unaware that anything like this could exist, well you know too well, it was the toughest time of my life, by a long way.

I think I've developed a very good understanding of her BPD/NPD, and I've discovered enough validating experiences after the breakup to back it all, recently devalution of the replacement, and public disturbances with the police involved.

It is a universal truth, abuse is their language, and you will be abused, everyone on this forum has, everyone, it is totally unavoidable, unless you avoid them completely, and there is no way around this, run, run, and run. 

[HostNoMore]

Burgenstein, it took me about a year to kind of process it very similar to your case.  I'm 3 years out now and in a great state and much stronger.

Now, as for returning,yes, they are very much known for doing it.  You would all be most lucky if yours were one of the ones that never do reengage.

Mine last tried to reengage me about a year ago using some withheld property as a pretext.  Many of my early posts refer to said property.  For me, the failure to return my stuff was very, very stressful on me though a known facet of the disorder.

Mine also tried to reengage an ex from 20 years in her past.  In fact, it explained the very first red flag from her that I rationalized away.  I know anything is possible with her so I'm always prepared for it from her.  My first goal upon learning of BPD was to begin to prepare for any reenagements to come.  I'm glad I did.  Honestly, had I not learned of BPD there is a good chance she would have kept playing me.  Getting prepared for them to come back should be very high on your list in the early months of the breakup.  No matter how you feel or what they will say, it is not about you.  It's about them as it always was, is and will be.

After about 6 months of concerted NC effort on my part, she began to leave me be.  I think she will leave me alone as I drew a very hard boundary with her though I can never assume it.  However, I do have 100% control(NO!) over the outcome of any attempts by her to reengage me.  Also, she is extremely attractive, very HF, and highly skilled so she has access to a seemingly infinite source of willing supply/fools.  I'm hoping that protects me from her trying to get back in my life.  I've felt like I've been immersed in raw sewage on every post breakup rengagement attempt from her

[fred6]

One thing is certain and this is all that matters, if you are close to a person with BPD, you will be abused, it is an inevitability, if you let yourself become abused enough to become addicted to the abuse, you will ruin your life.

I think for many of us, the fact that our ex is undiagnosed makes it hard to process everything. At least for me it does. Even though I know that I was done wrong by her and her actions were horrible. The fact that she is undiagnosed give me a good deal of uncertainty about everything and leaves me stuck sometimes. But like Mutt says, behaviors are behaviors and traits are traits.

I understand completely, its taken me 11 months to come to a point of complete realisation of my exes illness, when you go into a relationship with these people unaware that anything like this could exist, well you know too well, it was the toughest time of my life, by a long way.

I think I've developed a very good understanding of her BPD/NPD, and I've discovered enough validating experiences after the breakup to back it all, recently devalution of the replacement, and public disturbances with the police involved.

It is a universal truth, abuse is their language, and you will be abused, everyone on this forum has, everyone, it is totally unavoidable, unless you avoid them completely, and there is no way around this, run, run, and run. 

I completely understand. And while I know that I didn't do anything wrong aside from normal relationship stuff. Since she's undiagnosed, I still feel like it's my fault. I don't know why. It's just in my head for some reason.

Hell, I haven't had sex since early July. But the thought of anyone else doesn't work for me and choking the chickin gets old. It's like a sick catch 22. How long before you guys got intimate with a different woman? I want sex but the thought of it makes me sick. Is that normal?