I am hoping that this relationship, or ending of it moreover ... .is the catalyst that I needed to take a hard look at myself, before I end up further down the line with much more invested (i.e: kids, equity, etc.)
That's the thing. It gets more difficult and complicated when you have equity and kids. A high-conflict personality or borderline personality disordered person is a nightmare in court. You can check the
legal and
co-parenting to see the potential conflict.
I read a lot of material and posts on the forums (it's all here) I read the article about co-dependency and it mentioned that often a parent is ill. My mother died from cancer when I was 8 and my father was absent, strict disciplinarian, would split me black, controlling, didn't show love and made the home feel like it was a prison. It was here I identified that I'm co-dependent. The idealization phase from my ex felt like a drug and it felt like she was giving me the attention I liked from my father and childhood.
I read as much as I could about borderline personality disorder to untangle this confusing experience I had in the last 7 years. I had a young family (SD3,S6,D8) and was forced to go into bankruptcy because my ex has me split black. She wouldn't allow access to the kids so I had to fight her in court where people with borderline personality disorder make it very difficult. It's hard to see your kids living with someone with a mental illness that aren't taking care of themselves and is being emotionally abusive to your kids. I had to get healthy and be their emotional safe zone, their rock. When you're split black, you are devalued and you absolutely cannot reason with your partner.
That said, by learning about BPD, it's two fold. I read until it finally sunk in. It's to depersonalize the behaviors and I can see negative behaviors clearly because I'm detached and I did the work. So when my wife sends me an email I can identify,
emotional blackmail, triangulation, dissociation etc and also understand that she's either in one of two subroles
Queen, Waif. So if she's in
Waif I don't rescue. She has not been diagnosed to my understanding and it's being able to identify when someone abuses you and is trying to get sympathy, it's
Waif-like behavior that I can protect myself from with boundaries. If she does X, I respond with Y.
I also had to detach and get out of the FOG to see the relationship in a different and healthier perspective.I
see the behaviors in the work-place. I see some narcissism and I see FOG from some people and I see a lot of
passive aggressive behaviors and triangulation. Having learned the psychoanalytical psychology with BPD I see the behaviors in real life. I can tell when someone projects or I'm triangulated etc If someone is displaying these types of negative behaviors, it's not someone that I want as an intimate partner or as a close acquaintance. I'm a good man with good qualities and deserve better. Boundaries in a simple explanation is to keep the good stuff in (me!) and the bad stuff out.
I owned that I'm codependent ( I'm not saying that all members are co-dependents, we all come from different family backgrounds and situations that led us to bpdfamily ) and I have controlling behaviors and sometimes it's difficult to self sooth. Soothing for me was trying to fix everything for everyone and now I do more self care and identify my triggers and self sooth. It's a work in progress and such is life. You never stop learning.
Owning it I think is the first step. Then acting on it Something I felt great shame in now is a source of strength when you admit your faults.
