My ex has devalued her replacement and is in trouble with the police

[bungenstein]

I've heard through friends of friends that their relationship is terrible and she is worse than ever, having had the police called on her multiple times for screaming and shouting, and now has a public disorder charge, and her ex housemate is looking to sue for her for avoiding rent.

Is it wrong that this makes me feel good?

So much of the pain and so much of the reason I stayed with her, was the image I conjured up in my mind of the person I wanted her to be.

My own mind has been my own worst enemy, I'm sure many of you can relate, imaging what I thought she could be, in a wonderful relationship, leaving me with huge trauma.

None of its true, and this news is so validating, it has freed a lot of this trauma for me, I'm pretty sure you will all get the same news if you are in the loop.

[Mutt]

I'd be sad to hear news like that. On the same token, I'd find peace that I'm not mixed up in this. I'm sorry to hear she's getting into trouble.

[FrenchConnection]

I understand what you are saying and feeling.  

I know i over projected my feelings onto mine as well.  Wanted her to be someone she simply was not.  I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and here's to a good end of the year for both of us!

[DangIthurts]

I'd personally take no pleasure in someone I once cared about spiraling like that.

[JohnLove]

Bungenstein asked if it was wrong to feel validated. It isn't. He is not taking pleasure. He feels "good" because her now experience validates his experience with her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is it wrong that this makes me feel good?

The desire for revenge is a normal response to abuse.  As you detach, you can also realize that the best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  And also, as you detach and the emotional energy dissipates, you may end up developing compassion for your ex; it's a tough road a borderline walks, continually painful, which is where all the behaviors come from.

So enjoy the buzz of her misfortune for now, as you slowly shift the focus from her to you.

Edit: I misread your post at first, and although the above still stands, yes, it does feel good when we discover the fantasy in our heads is just that, and a glaring dose of reality can make the thought that we're missing out and someone else is getting what we thought we had go away entirely, which alleviates a lot of the hurt.  And then there's the behaviors you experienced, which can leave scars of their own, which is where the desire for revenge might come from, or not.

[bungenstein]

Bungenstein asked if it was wrong to feel validated. It isn't. He is not taking pleasure. He feels "good" because her now experience validates his experience with her.

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

[enlighten me]

I am sorry to say it but I would feel good. It would prove to me that it wasnt me. Well not all me. If the new love of her life ends up discarded then it just confirms that she has a problem.

Yes I will feel sorry for her and my replacement.

[JohnLove]

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

You're welcome.

And if that isn't closure then I don't know what is. 

[bungenstein]

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

You're welcome.

And if that isn't closure then I don't know what is.  

Yep!

Also, to further expand on that point, I don't wish bad upon her, but I don't wish her to be in a wonderful relationship after she did her very best to ruin my life which has cost me dearly, and I am still picking up the pieces from her destruction, who would?

By the way, for anyone waiting for their ex's new relationship to fail, it took 11 months for me to get that news if you were wondering.

[DangIthurts]

Bungenstein asked if it was wrong to feel validated. It isn't. He is not taking pleasure. He feels "good" because her now experience validates his experience with her.

I mean he is normal so he's looking at it normally it appears to me most of these people have victim complexes to begin with so while bad things are in-deed happening to them I doubt very much if they're able to connect all those dots like NONBPDs are. So in the end its someone who is quiet capable at blame shifting simply in a  misshape for a day, month, year, however long her run in with law enforcement is.

This is why I'd get no joy, pleasure, enjoy what I felt moment from it... .They just aren't capable of connecting those dots to make it all make sense. SO in the end its just more hurt, more drama. etc.

But again thats just my take, Everyone deals with it all differently, some have had far worse and far better experiences and are at different stages of dealing with it.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

You're welcome.

And if that isn't closure then I don't know what is.  

Yep!

Also, to further expand on that point, I don't wish bad upon her, but I don't wish her to be in a wonderful relationship after she did her very best to ruin my life which has cost me dearly, and I am still picking up the pieces from her destruction, who would?

By the way, for anyone waiting for their ex's new relationship to fail, it took 11 months for me to get that news if you were wondering.

I feel the same. Also, I want her relationship to fail, because I know that poor sucker is going to be traumatized by her. I'm tired of seeing more victims in their path.

[DangIthurts]

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

You're welcome.

And if that isn't closure then I don't know what is.  

Yep!

Also, to further expand on that point, I don't wish bad upon her, but I don't wish her to be in a wonderful relationship after she did her very best to ruin my life which has cost me dearly, and I am still picking up the pieces from her destruction, who would?

By the way, for anyone waiting for their ex's new relationship to fail, it took 11 months for me to get that news if you were wondering.

I feel that way too... Mines had weeks, months, and a MULTI year relationship so I make no bones this guy could make it 10 plus years

[bungenstein]

Bungenstein asked if it was wrong to feel validated. It isn't. He is not taking pleasure. He feels "good" because her now experience validates his experience with her.

I mean he is normal so he's looking at it normally it appears to me most of these people have victim complexes to begin with so while bad things are in-deed happening to them I doubt very much if they're able to connect all those dots like NONBPDs are. So in the end its someone who is quiet capable at blame shifting simply in a  misshape for a day, month, year, however long her run in with law enforcement is.

This is why I'd get no joy, pleasure, enjoy what I felt moment from it... .They just aren't capable of connecting those dots to make it all make sense. SO in the end its just more hurt, more drama. etc.

But again thats just my take, Everyone deals with it all differently, some have had far worse and far better experiences and are at different stages of dealing with it.

Well I don't really care what she feels about her situation, what was killing me was the fabrication of this wonderful girl I met at the start of our relationship, running off into the sunset with someone else.

Now this is real proof that its just my mind playing tricks on me, she isn't this wonderful girl, and her new relationship sounds horrendous, its very freeing.

[Hope0807]

Nope, not wrong, not even a little bit.  Your exact words could easily be my own.  It's a total coin toss for me - my ex will either continue his magic act, surround himself with enough of everything he needs (caretaking/rescuing souls) to continue the success and image I started for him…or he will land in a very similar situation to what you wrote here.  All I can do is take very, very good care of me and trust the order of the universe for the rest.

I am SO happy to read your post.  Seriously!

I've heard through friends of friends that their relationship is terrible and she is worse than ever, having had the police called on her multiple times for screaming and shouting, and now has a public disorder charge, and her ex housemate is looking to sue for her for avoiding rent.

Is it wrong that this makes me feel good?

So much of the pain and so much of the reason I stayed with her, was the image I conjured up in my mind of the person I wanted her to be.

My own mind has been my own worst enemy, I'm sure many of you can relate, imaging what I thought she could be, in a wonderful relationship, leaving me with huge trauma.

None of its true, and this news is so validating, it has freed a lot of this trauma for me, I'm pretty sure you will all get the same news if you are in the loop.

[bungenstein]

Nope, not wrong, not even a little bit.  Your exact words could easily be my own.  It's a total coin toss for me - my ex will either continue his magic act, surround himself with enough of everything he needs (caretaking/rescuing souls) to continue the success and image I started for him…or he will land in a very similar situation to what you wrote here.  All I can do is take very, very good care of me and trust the order of the universe for the rest.

I am SO happy to read your post.  Seriously!

I've heard through friends of friends that their relationship is terrible and she is worse than ever, having had the police called on her multiple times for screaming and shouting, and now has a public disorder charge, and her ex housemate is looking to sue for her for avoiding rent.

Is it wrong that this makes me feel good?

So much of the pain and so much of the reason I stayed with her, was the image I conjured up in my mind of the person I wanted her to be.

My own mind has been my own worst enemy, I'm sure many of you can relate, imaging what I thought she could be, in a wonderful relationship, leaving me with huge trauma.

None of its true, and this news is so validating, it has freed a lot of this trauma for me, I'm pretty sure you will all get the same news if you are in the loop.

I'm glad :D

Just remember, EVERY soul gets devalued, it in an INEVITABILITY.

[Dutched]

By the way, for anyone waiting for their ex's new relationship to fail, it took 11 months for me to get that news if you were wondering.

On this side not yet, although I experienced a same validation. Or may I say  Schadenfreude ?

As mentioned in another topic, the other day by accident I saw her and soother on a terrace. After 4 yrs. desperate hiding exw waved with ‘great confidence’ (strengthened because of her soother) while sitting on a terrace.

Exw begin 50 and a UK guy age 65 (a GREAT grandpa!), fled from the UK to mainland Europe after several yrs. moving around in a camper(!), fat as a Michelin puppet.

From a low social class (typical rebelling in early/mid 60ties, expressing it by ordinary tattoos, totally disgusting and contempt in those days).

A grandpa(!) who hooked a ‘next last soulmate’ with a house, comfort at cold nights and to be taken care of in his old days.

A soother totally not interested in exw as he even failed to pick up exw subtle and desperate signs when I asked some questions that where confrontational (intentionally I did, to see her and soothers reaction)

Many confirmations, better validations for me.

Exw is not happy, exw is not in love only attached to supply. There is no sparkling left in her eyes nor body language. 

For years in our r/s I predicted her THIS outcome, to be hooked by “just someone” 

Predicted her to end up in a total a affair down

Validation that lifted even for a time the pain I still feel caused by her destruction of my family in a blink of an eye.

Their Karma?  Our Schadenfreude?

[fred6]

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

You're welcome.

And if that isn't closure then I don't know what is.  

Yep!

Also, to further expand on that point, I don't wish bad upon her, but I don't wish her to be in a wonderful relationship after she did her very best to ruin my life which has cost me dearly, and I am still picking up the pieces from her destruction, who would?

By the way, for anyone waiting for their ex's new relationship to fail, it took 11 months for me to get that news if you were wondering.

11 months, good god that's a long time. But then again, I don't think that I'll ever know either way. In order to preserve her image she swept our situation so far under the rug. She's so far off the radar right now that I keep on thinking how "good" she's doing. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that she's keeping new supply a secret from everyone. I don't know what she tells everyone about our relationship, but I don't hold back when telling the story. I guess you could call what I have to say about it a smear campaign, but then again I haven't said anything that isn't the truth and I've been more than nice and accommodating to her. I just simply won't make excuses for her behavior.

I don't really like the show, but I was flipping through the channels early this morning and watched Dr.Phil for about 30 minutes and couldn't help but think that if we went on that show that she would look like a horrible person.

[Dutched]

Yes thankyou, this is what I meant, I don't wish pain upon her, I just wish my pain to dissipate, and this news helps destroy any fairy tales I had of her and has proven to me that I actually did my very best, and I have nothing to regret.

You're welcome.

And if that isn't closure then I don't know what is. 

Yep!

Also, to further expand on that point, I don't wish bad upon her, but I don't wish her to be in a wonderful relationship after she did her very best to ruin my life which has cost me dearly, and I am still picking up the pieces from her destruction, who would?

By the way, for anyone waiting for their ex's new relationship to fail, it took 11 months for me to get that news if you were wondering.

11 months, good god that's a long time. But then again, I don't think that I'll ever know either way. In order to preserve her image she swept our situation so far under the rug. She's so far off the radar right now that I keep on thinking how "good" she's doing. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that she's keeping new supply a secret from everyone. I don't know what she tells everyone about our relationship, but I don't hold back when telling the story. I guess you could call what I have to say about it a smear campaign, but then again I haven't said anything that isn't the truth and I've been more than nice and accommodating to her. I just simply won't make excuses for her behavior.

Let me tell you for sure(!) she is not doing ‘good’. Evidence is all over this Board. Evidence I experienced, posted above

It is how pwBPD ‘develop’ with age. They destroy relationships up until the point no supply is left. Then settle for someone who just crossed their path (even as ‘my’exw 10-20 yrs older) regardless their social background.

Telling the truth.

Exw used to be the social face of the family in this small village. Very active and highly appreciated. I took the high road despite rumours about me. Neighbours right and opposite the street not greeting me suddenly… living here for almost 30 yrs. Now years later, suddenly a ‘hello’ from an opposite neighbour. Sorry too late for me.

Having the dignity not to talk about ‘family matters’ is understandable, it is the way we should behave, not lower us to the level of others. I was brought up that way, tried to live by it. But, d a m n  in this case and where I have to live in this  village it is difficult.

Anyway, like you meanwhile I told some people the truth and didn’t make any excuses at all. Even ‘lifting’ exw up by saying that the wonderful woman they know I also know for 30+ yrs, but the ways her parents were once dumped, my family was dumped in an uncontrollable outburst. For which behaviour exw willingly rejected any Psychiatric help as described. 

Then I finish my short story by: ‘You know me, know what I did, judged me, but you don’t know my story’  

[Hope0807]

When is someone going to install a "LIKE" button on this site?  "LIKE" so much of what so many had to say in this thread.  Thanks!

[WhatTheFrank]

5 months after we broke up, and I was still obsessed facebooking/googling, I saw the lovey/dovey pictures then came across and the wedding registry website for the two of them.  A month later, I searched and the wedding registry website was deleted, and he was missing from her facebook.

I thought I would feel good.  I did not.  I realized he, and any other gentlemen, were the buffer between me detaching and moving on.

Yes it was validating that she flamed out with the replacement so fast, but instead of wondering about her or him, it made me wonder about myself that made me stay for the 2 and a half years and he only 6 months.  With T and introspection, I've found these answers, and hope not to repeat my mistakes.  There is the easy way and the right way.  The right way is not always the easy way.  Stay strong

[Hope0807]

When I think of how much I want some kind of karma to kick it, I also realize what you wrote here will probably be the case:  If I see others give him less time than the years I did, I will undoubtedly kick myself even more, knowing THEY figured the mess out sooner than I did…and the shame will cycle back.  I guess the best is just to move forward.

5 months after we broke up, and I was still obsessed facebooking/googling, I saw the lovey/dovey pictures then came across and the wedding registry website for the two of them.  A month later, I searched and the wedding registry website was deleted, and he was missing from her facebook.

I thought I would feel good.  I did not.  I realized he, and any other gentlemen, were the buffer between me detaching and moving on.

Yes it was validating that she flamed out with the replacement so fast, but instead of wondering about her or him, it made me wonder about myself that made me stay for the 2 and a half years and he only 6 months.  With T and introspection, I've found these answers, and hope not to repeat my mistakes.  There is the easy way and the right way.  The right way is not always the easy way.  Stay strong

[downwhim]

I remember got my first rage attack from him after 9 months. All was peachy before that. Trips, sex, dancing, happy hours, lots of time together. It hit me like a ton of bricks. 8 years later I am still as you say picking up the pieces and feel like crap. He is with replacement now and doing well. So, I do understand what your saying. You don't wish him bad it is just after ALL the pain you have put up with and the future destroyed your wondering how could he live such a plush life right now?

Today I felt anger. Not only at him but at myself for allowing so much time to pass and staying in an abusive relationship. Yuck... .:'(