Attempt at Closure

[H Hi]

Hello all,

I have been NC with my high function ex for 11 days now. Due to how it ended, an abusive email on her part, but wanted to be friends, I've decided to write her a letter saying goodbye and take care, and I'm going to go and deliver it in person this evening.

I feel I have to do this, so as to say goodbye and get closure for myself. I don't care about her reaction, if she will be with someone else, or if she contacts me after. It's just something I feel I have to do.

Anyone have any ideas on this? Good idea, bad idea?

I feel I wont rest until I do this.

[Earthbayne]

Post it here first. Whatever you want to say. Go for it.

Then let's see how you feel after.

[billypilgrim]

Here's how my attempt at closure went.  She sent me a nonsensical first e-mail 2 days after she abruptly left.  It didn't make any sense and felt like some sort of high school break up note.  I called her on it but told her I specifically did not want to go back and forth.  And I told her goodbye, since that seemed to be what she wanted.  5 days later, she sent another e-mail.  This time even more nonsensical but full of blame.  I was responsible for her leaving.  It was extremely hurtful because I believed her and I truly felt responsible.  That I had let her down.  

I know that it's all ridiculous now but is this letter so important to you that it's worth opening that door?   I know you say you don't care about her reaction but do you really?  

[guy4caligirl]

Is she seeing someone else ?

Is her mind made up ?

[H Hi]

i don't know if she is seeing someone else or her mind is made up.

All i know is that my mind is made up that i can't be with her and I need to say goodby in a way that is true to my values so that I start to get back who I am and my self worth.

If she is with someone else than so be it and she clearly has problems. Do they ever have their minds made up, it seems to me they never know what they want from one hour to the next.

[Deeno02]

Do what you feel you need to.However, I wouldnt do it. If you do though, I wouldnt give her any opening for a return visit. Remember why we are here... .

[OutOfEgypt]

If it is something you feel you need to do, then who are we to tell you if you should or shouldn't?

But as to your question... .is it a good idea?  Well, that really depends on what you want to accomplish and what you expect will happen.  If you expect it to be like in a movie, where you say what we want, tell her the truth, set things right, and that she will "have to" hear you, this time, maybe even be shocked, or maybe be comforted in a strange way, and leave you as you walk away into the sunset, then that is a fantasy.  You already know what it will do... .provoke more abuse.  Maybe not right away... .she may stew in it for a few days, but you know it will come.  Even if you are really "nice" about it, she will find the one thing you said that was wrong or "hurtful" to her, and she will capitalize on it.

 

In other words, if your goal is for her to finally "hear you out" in some way, then I don't think that is a good goal.  After all, one of the "beliefs that keep us stuck" on the article about surviving a BPD breakup (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality) is the belief that if we speak louder we will be heard.  What could be louder than a final, once-for-all, closing set of comments and sentiments that we hope will bring finality to this whole mess?  It won't, though.  And it really may be just one more way to prolong letting her go.  Could that possibly be part of your motivation?  You would feel too guilty to just drop her like a hot potato without some final words?  Again, given the kind of person we are dealing with, in my opinion that it is sort of a fool's errand.

She stated she "wants to be friends".  Of course she does.  They usually do... .so they can keep you in their pocket and pull you out on a rainy day, string you along, and pit you, in some kind of sick love triangle, against your replacement (that poor ass).  They always want to be the one who sets the rules of the relationship, always the one with the control, always the one getting their way and drawing all attention to themselves.  And then we finally stand up and say, "No, you aren't setting the rules anymore, I'm done," and they flip out.

However, if your goal is to state your feelings and the truth simply for your own sake, because they are true, and to stand in them, then go for it.  To me, that can be a worthy reason, but just know that there will be consequences and that it will keep the crazy-making dynamic alive for another day.

[guy4caligirl]

i don't know if she is seeing someone else or her mind is made up.

All i know is that my mind is made up that i can't be with her and I need to say goodby in a way that is true to my values so that I start to get back who I am and my self worth.

If she is with someone else than so be it and she clearly has problems. Do they ever have their minds made up, it seems to me they never know what they want from one hour to the next.

I agree about the fact that they are inconsistent in everything they do , It's been 4 months since Her B/U

She does some strange things , it's like she doesn't want to get rid of me all the way hence she texted  back after 6 days of ST, last night to say happy thanksgiving , we kept all kinds of communication while she said "never will contact you again this is my last time I will never look back " , I will change my number she still have the same number .and she still does when she feels like it I can't I get a ST

And she said I am not dating No one and then go back and say I found a man I want to get married to .

It's all lies and acting and she says ,I am acting and I am not truthful .

I hope this helps you decide .

The letter will do you good I think you sound like a decent guy but Don't expect anything in return but a rage !

[CareTaker]

Anyone have any ideas on this? Good idea, bad idea?

Well, seeing that you asked the question and want an honest answer, then my personal point of view is: Bad Idea.

If your ex is anything like mine, then you just giving her more reason to unload on you. Because why, I did so much for her and the only way she can process me walking out on her is to blame me for everything that went wrong. Man, if I had to contact her in any way now, believe me, she already has her speech written. She even took the first guy that contacted her on a dating site, and within 2 weeks was back in love again.

I now know they don't have a soul. They go from person to person just looking for anyone to fulfil their demands. That emptiness they battle every day. They live this false life, the mask, the laughing and flirting but when they get home then they just their normal miserable self. That is why few people believe or understand a BPD. Simply because you have to be involved with these monsters to actually realize the extent of their pain and hurt.

My advice, walk away. Don't be friends. Who needs friends like this. Leave them to carry on their destructive paths. Just be thankful that is not you who is the one giving in to a relationship that you get nothing, but could loose everything.

[emancipated]

Hey friend

I guess what I would like to know is what is it ur attempting to accomplish from this closure. I know for myself and a lot of people on here have attempted closure and have gotten results that have left us more damaged. After I found out about my replacement after about a month when every attempt to reconcile was met.with more venom. I attempted to say OK... guess it's over let's.talk it out figure some things out and part amicably . it became about how he was better everyone in both of their families loves the other... She would marry him tomorrow if she could and all the while i was in shock that this was the woman I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know your story is different and it sounds like ur mind is made up which is great... my biggest caution to u is the more u attempt to contact they seem to find that x factor that will make u want them they will say and do what ever they can to elicit a reaction its been 4 months since we officially split and just over 5 when we separated and she still can get to.me... try and find the answers within urself because u won't get them.from her

[guy4caligirl]

Hey friend

I guess what I would like to know is what is it ur attempting to accomplish from this closure. I know for myself and a lot of people on here have attempted closure and have gotten results that have left us more damaged. After I found out about my replacement after about a month when every attempt to reconcile was met.with more venom. I attempted to say OK... guess it's over let's.talk it out figure some things out and part amicably . it became about how he was better everyone in both of their families loves the other... She would marry him tomorrow if she could and all the while i was in shock that this was the woman I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know your story is different and it sounds like ur mind is made up which is great... my biggest caution to u is the more u attempt to contact they seem to find that x factor that will make u want them they will say and do what ever they can to elicit a reaction its been 4 months since we officially split and just over 5 when we separated and she still can get to.me... try and find the answers within urself because u won't get them.from her

It's exactly like my case too , even the amount of time and the marriage . Just Amazing ,only if they see what we went through and can read all these posts what would do of course deny ! Looks like all of them went to the same school .

[Mutt]

Hello all,

I have been NC with my high function ex for 11 days now. Due to how it ended, an abusive email on her part, but wanted to be friends, I've decided to write her a letter saying goodbye and take care, and I'm going to go and deliver it in person this evening.

I feel I have to do this, so as to say goodbye and get closure for myself. I don't care about her reaction, if she will be with someone else, or if she contacts me after. It's just something I feel I have to do.

Anyone have any ideas on this? Good idea, bad idea?

I feel I wont rest until I do this.

Have you given her the letter?

These breakups are profoundly confusing and painful. I'm sorry.

Finding closure is difficult when your significant other has BPD. In a healthy adult relationship two persons will give each other closure. Many members didn't get closure from their ex partners. I'm truly sorry and I can relate with how difficult tho is to cope with.

I suggest giving yourself closure when you're ready. I hope that helps.

[Earthbayne]

I'll echo my own sentiment based on my experience within my own thread.

My message was short, to the point and to any non would have expressed complete and absolute closure, however, she didn't take it that way and completely flipped the script on the door shutting. To me, the door is closed... .to her, it's still wide open.

This is how it'll go for you too.