Got the first message 5 days after I broke up.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure if I should answer him or not.

Today I sent him the tickets he gave my mother at her 85 birthday, for a ballet at Christmas. Now, my mother is not coming over for Christmas, now that I broke up with him (in a letter 5 days ago). He doesn't know that I sent him the tickets. He will receive them on Monday.

Now that he mentioned the tickets in his message, I thought I might let him know that I have sent them to him. I also still need to find out how he gets all his stuff home. It is too much to send by mail. I think it will be three big boxes.

I have read so often on this board to have NC, when it is over. But when I know that I am NOT going back, how could that be a problem to try and close it with him in a proper way, if it is possible?

His message:

"My darling harbour!

Thank you for your letter!

I will not answer your letter, but I will indeed answer myself to the letter... .

I have promised myself and everything I believe in not to answer You or contact You ever-ever in any way from now on.

With respect - and to leave You alone with all your thoughts and feelings; all your sorrow and disappointment, joy and anger and relief... .Like I myself feel and want...

I prepare myself for a quiet and joyful Advent, Christmas month, Christmas and New Year Eve - and wish You and your beloved ones the same... .

I can imagine how much sorrow (and many sad thoughts) it gives your dear mother that You don't want to be together with me any more; and we therefore are not going to spend Christmas together. I suggest that you invite your brother for the ballet and to spend Christmas with the two of you... .I know that he doesn't like Christmas - but he does love classical music , and the two of you... .

Yours in my heart."

[harbour]

I'm not sure if I should answer him or not.

Today I sent him the tickets he gave my mother at her 85 birthday, for a ballet at Christmas. Now, my mother is not coming over for Christmas, now that I broke up with him (in a letter 5 days ago). He doesn't know that I sent him the tickets. He will receive them on Monday.

Now that he mentioned the tickets in his message, I thought I might let him know that I have sent them to him. I also still need to find out how he gets all his stuff home. It is too much to send by mail. I think it will be three big boxes.

I have read so often on this board to have NC, when it is over. But when I know that I am NOT going back, how could that be a problem to try and close it with him in a proper way, if it is possible?

His message:

"My darling harbour!

Thank you for your letter!

I will not answer your letter, but I will indeed answer myself to the letter... .

I have promised myself and everything I believe in not to answer You or contact You ever-ever in any way from now on.

With respect - and to leave You alone with all your thoughts and feelings; all your sorrow and disappointment, joy and anger and relief... .Like I myself feel and want...

I prepare myself for a quiet and joyful Advent, Christmas month, Christmas and New Year Eve - and wish You and your beloved ones the same... .

I can imagine how much sorrow (and many sad thoughts) it gives your dear mother that You don't want to be together with me any more; and we therefore are not going to spend Christmas together. I suggest that you invite your brother for the ballet and to spend Christmas with the two of you... .I know that he doesn't like Christmas - but he does love classical music , and the two of you... .

Yours in my heart."

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I can imagine how much sorrow (and many sad thoughts) it gives your dear mother that You don't want to be together with me any more; and we therefore are not going to spend Christmas together.

So there you have it.  Not only does he say the split was your fault but also it is your fault for making your mother so sad.  He is not being nice to you or wooing you back.  NC to the BPD is what Kyrptonite is to superman.  It is the pre-condition to getting your life back to normality.  And it is IMHO the only effective defence against a BPD's toxic manipulations.

[Skip]

I broke up with my BPDbf 4 days ago after 8 months together. We had planned things for December, visits, concerts, agreed to spend Christmas together at my place, invited my old mother etc. And then I dropped the bomb. Sent him a letter telling him that it is over, and that I didn't feel safe telling him face to face, explaining how his rage scares me. There has been no recycling at all in this relationship. It was very unexpected, for me too. I just suddenly reached my limit, or realized (even though it was still great most of the time, and I love him) that the bad things would only escalate, and I would gradually lose myself, if I stayed, and it would be more and more difficult for me to get out of it.

It's certainly reasonable and appropriate to fill him in about the tickets and coordinate the return of his property.  How were you planning to do this?

[harbour]

Today I sent him the tickets. I enclosed a note asking him to send me a message about how he would like to get his stuff and when. He brought a lot of his stuff to my place.

Tonight he sent me a number of crazy messages. In his last message tonight he tells me that he is drunk. I broke up, but in his messages he acts as if he doesn't believe me. He is playing on my emotions. And my guilt. And my empathy. I can't take that he is trying so hard to control me, even after I broke up. It is over. He doesn't get it. 

[harbour]

It's certainly reasonable and appropriate to fill him in about the tickets and coordinate the return of his property.  How were you planning to do this?

Skip, that is what I am struggling with right now. I can't send it by mail. There is too much. Three big boxes. So I will have to communicate with my ex about it. In my letter I suggested him either that I bring it to S (a place nearby), and he could pick it up there at an appointed time. I can leave it there only for a few hours. Or - he could make somebody come and pick it up at my place. He sent me several messages tonight, ignoring everything. Also that I actually broke up with him. He was drunk. I will try to ask him again with a message. So what would you suggest I do if he keeps on ignoring the matter?

[Skip]

Give it some space.

As you said, tis was not expected, so it will take sometime for it all to sink in.

You offered to return his stuff.  Wait for him to respond.  Try not to be frustrated tat he is not fully acceppting this - it will take a few days.