I don't know how to change a very unhealthly situation...

[rosalilly]

Happy Sunday to all... .

I am a parent of four adult children that all have some issues.  Three of the four live in my home and only one, the youngest, contibutes finacially to the household.  My oldest daughter. 33, has been in a rollercoaster relationship/marrage for over ten years with the same man and they both coparent their two daughters 8 and 6.  Both parents have had drug issues in the past and as a couple, have never lived together in their own home.  They lived with me for the first six years and then moved to his parents home until their relationship became violent at which time they seperated and she and the girls moved back in with me.  Needless to say, this living situation is very unhealthy for all...   She has completely taken over...   I tried to set boundries and rules prior to her moving back in, however, she totally ignores them and becomes violent when I try to speak to her regarding anything from cleaning up after herself to contributing financially... .Why haven't I asked her to leave you ask? The answer is two fold... 1.  We live in a home which my mother left 2/3 to me and 1/3 to my children... so of course the answer I get when I tell her she must leave is... "I own this house too." 2. This home offers the children some semblance of normalcy.  As the years have prgressed , I've noticed she is becoming less and less capable of dealing with daily life... .She does work two part time jobs... However I suspect her money is going to some form of sustance abuse... I know for certain she is a daily pot smoker... .But I suspect, she is dobbling in other drugs based on her inability to sustain any consistency in daily living... ie... she rarely does laundry, she is not capable of spending more than a few hours with her children... .She is always leaving her children either with me or with her husband... which by the way, still lives with his parents... .Also on thanksgiving, she left the table and went to her room and returned stuggling to keep her eyes open and nodding off on the couch for the remainder of the evening... It was disturbing to the guests and to myself.  There is mental illness in the family... BPD, and suspect she has been stuggling with BPD and opts to self medicate...   She has always engagesd in risky behavior and has terrible mood swings. I must add that she is brilliant but unstable.  I don't know what to do anymore and I need help in sorting this out... .All suggestions are appreciated... .Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

 

Hi rosalilly,

I would like to welcome you. It's frustrating, stressful and emotionally exausted. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. You're trying to set boundaries with D33 with helping out financially and cleaning up and she is emotionally blackmailing you. You feel like you are walking on eggshells. It must be difficult to see her in this state and not effectively taking care of your grandkids. I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope. Many members share similar experiences and can offer you guidance and support through a difficult situation with a person with a difficult mental illness .

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[tristesse]

hi rosalilly

let me join MUTT in welcoming you to the parenting board.

Let me tell you how sorry I am that you are struggling with your daughter, but assure you that you are not alone.

I am in a very similar situation with my own adult BPD DD, she is 31 years old and has a 5 year old son and they reside in my. I have 3 adult children, but only the 1 with mental illness, and she has other issues to accompany her BPD. I live with her raging and periodic violence, mainly directed at me, but she will act out to anybody that crosses her.

Is you DD in any type of therapy? Is she seeking any professional help?

The substance abuse you mentioned is indicative of this illness, risky behavior in general is almost a pre-requisite for BPD.

The BPD person suffers so much inner turmoil, hundreds of thoughts and feelings rapid fire shooting through their brains, they get no break, and don't have the ability to regulate those feelings, so they either self medicate, as you have indicated with your DD, or they rage, or self harm etc. It's quite tragic, but if you love a BPD, you will suffer too.

There is hope, there is a chance that your DD can recover. If she gets the proper help, and can commit, she can get better. In the interim there are lessons and tools to help us parents cope and communicate. They are listed on the right side of this board.

Please keep us updated so we know how best to help you.