Am I being blamed unfairly?

[terranova79]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a horrible, perhaps ending phase of my marriage and am being blamed by my uBPDw for everything.  I am feeling incrediy guilty over things and wanted to get everyone's opinions to get a "reality check."

The long and the short of is this.  I've been with my uBPDw for about ten years.  She has been very difficult and divisive for the past few years, often trying to put me against my family.  This year, however, has been far far worse.  She has treated me like garbage for nearly the entire year.  Just as a few examples, she screamed at me and called me certifiably crazy/nuts when I suggested our 2 year old son might need a speech evaluation; she badgered me every day for a month to get me to cancel his appointment; when I tried to help her cope with prenatal depression she would call me a horrible husband and father; she yelled and raged at our 2 year old son when he did things normal for toddlers his age; as I would later filing out, she hit him 4-5 times (with an open hand, but a hit nonetheless); she vented to me multiple times that she wanted to "beat the ___ out of him" or "break his neck"; she yelled at me that I made her sick and was disgusted her because once I forgot to have our son pick up his toys. 

The final straw was when I took my son to visit my parents for a few days over Labor Day.  This was a huge trip for me because I hadn't been home in a long time and wanted my son to have a good time with my family.  My wife was dead set against the trip--saying garbage like I wouldn't protect him from mean comments from my family (just as I supposedly hadn't protected her from such comments).  Anyway, she eventually agreed that I could take him so long as they could facetime twice a day.  The first day went fine.  But on the second day, facetime wouldn't work because we all went to my parents' lake house and the Internet was too slow (they could talk on the phone, however).  My wife went ballistic over this--she called me like 40 times over the next two days, threatening to call the cops on me because I was supposedly depriving her of access to our son.  She even said she was filing for separation and would not let me have access to the kids.  She later took back that last statement but the damage was done.

A week or so later, I start seeing a lawyer to explore divorce options because I had had enough.  My uBPDw goes ballistic, and it gets even worse when she learns that my therapist and brother had called child protective services based on her treatment of my son.  I was at wits end, so I tell her that I wanted a divorce.  I move out for a few nights (but return every evening to see the kids).

Well, a few days later I back down and agree to try and make things work with my uBPDw.  We continue to go to therapy.  It's now been about 2.5 months and she constantly accuses me of ruining the marriage by seeing an attorney behind her back and because my brother and therapist reported her to CPS (without my knowledge).  She brings up this stuff 4-5 times a day and says I've ruined her life and our marriage.  Any time I try and say that I'm sorry for escalating things but that her actions were inexcusable and put me in a horrible position, she just goes ballistic.

So basically, my "sin" seems to be that after almost a year of horrible treatment and abuse, I snap and call an attorney and nearly end things.  I've apologized for escalating things but it does no good and in her mind her past actions are irrelevant.  Intellectually, I think she's being unfair and is manipulating me, but I sure do feel horribly guilty for escalating things.

We're my actions in calling the attorney really such a horrible thing?  Should I feel so guilty?  I was only trying to protect myself and my kids--I truly never wanted to hurt her.


Thank you all very much.

[hope2727]

In short no. 

[vortex of confusion]

You should not feel guilty and you should not feel bad for trying to protect yourself and your son. I find it admirable that you took steps to protect yourself and your son.

Sending you a great big hug! 

[boatman]

It sounds like she is the one that has been escalating things.

[terranova79]

It sounds like she is the one that has been escalating things.

Thanks.  She literally tells me every day that I've ruined her life.  I don't see how.  I never filed for divorce, though I was close.  Obviously that would be upsetting to most people, but I don't think its something that a non-BPD would harp on every day for such a long time.  She literally has brought it up multiple times a day now for more than two months.  My guess is that the almost-divorce massively triggered fears of abandonment for her and she is pretty clearly BPD.  And what's amazing is that she can't understand how her actions had anything to do with me snapping and seeing an attorney.

Also, she blames me for CPS being called on her even though (1) my brother and therapist were the ones to call, not me,, (2) they called because she ADMITTED to hitting our son, and (3) the CPS just told her to get some counseling and a few hours of babysitting and they never even opened a file on her.  So it's not like the CPS thing "ruined" her life.

Again, I know all of this would be hard for even a non-BPD to deal with, but not impossible.  I also know that if I were in her position and had done what she did, I would be on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness.  But somehow she makes me feel guilty.  Even if I did escalate things, I was pushed to the absolute brink and have been trying to de-escalate things for two months so we can work on our issues in a calmer way.  That is an absolute impossible thing to do with a BPD.  It is incredibly difficult for them to take responsibility for their actions.