Did your ex talk about their ex?

[Xidion]

Me and my exuBPD were together for 16 months. In the first 1-2 months... I heard a LOT of bad things about her ex. Even Personal things that she would laugh at him for. However... around the 4 month mark to the end of the relationship, she would randomly mention him in a positive light. Talk about things they did just her and him, or with a group of friends. She also HATED his new girlfriend. Would often talk about how she didn't think that she was pretty. She also had a very expensive mixer that he bought her. She never used it or ever even opened it. It was like she kept it as a prize. She would often mention how expensive it was. Is this weird or normal behaviour for a BPD? It makes me thing I'm being smeared to her new supply right now, but eventually she will start talking about me in a positive way.

[peiper]

You just wrote a lot of my story. When we first got together he was the worst, but over time he wasn't and I ended up with the job. Strange ducks they are.

[Xidion]

You just wrote a lot of my story. When we first got together he was the worst, but over time he wasn't and I ended up with the job. Strange ducks they are.

I ended up talking to her ex. I asked him if she was always depressed and impossible to keep happy. He said, "yep, that's her... I'm telling you man, she isn't worth it. she will do things behind your back" He said he texted her about 4-5 times while her and I were together. But he had moved on into a normal relationship. Told me to run away and be happy she is gone.

[Infern0]

Same exact drill here.  He was some sort of demon at the start but towards the end that became my role and he was somewhat forgiven. I wonder what lies and stuff were told about me. I also wonder how she explained "hanging out" with me again a few months later.  There were certainly some confused looks when I walked into her flat.

[Xidion]

Same exact drill here.  He was some sort of demon at the start but towards the end that became my role and he was somewhat forgiven. I wonder what lies and stuff were told about me. I also wonder how she explained "hanging out" with me again a few months later.  There were certainly some confused looks when I walked into her flat.

It seems like the whole cycle of painting black.  Once she paints the new supply black, the ex becomes white again. Did you recycle with your ex?

[Infern0]

Same exact drill here.  He was some sort of demon at the start but towards the end that became my role and he was somewhat forgiven. I wonder what lies and stuff were told about me. I also wonder how she explained "hanging out" with me again a few months later.  There were certainly some confused looks when I walked into her flat.

It seems like the whole cycle of painting black.  Once she paints the new supply black, the ex becomes white again. Did you recycle with your ex?

Semi recycle.  Became "friends" but that line was very blurry,  we slept together a couple of times and certainly were emotionally involved again, she was still with my replacement but I think she was trying to set me up as a replacement for my replacement.  Not really sure because after a few weeks of trying to figure out what the hell she wanted out of me I realised the situation was such a huge mess there was no way it was going to end well and did a runner.

[peiper]

Looking back it all makes sense. When she lived in her house she pointed out things her ex had done house wise. One was he had wired in surround sound in the living room. He did it by plastering the wires into the wall, which I thought was half assed . But now looking at all the little chores she wanted me to do I imagine he just wanted her off his butt. She actually came home from work with a list of things I needed to do to make her happy. Which at that point in the relationship I promptly blew off. I think they were tests to prove my love, or just a control thing.

[Xidion]

Looking back it all makes sense. When she lived in her house she pointed out things her ex had done house wise. One was he had wired in surround sound in the living room. He did it by plastering the wires into the wall, which I thought was half assed . But now looking at all the little chores she wanted me to do I imagine he just wanted her off his butt. She actually came home from work with a list of things I needed to do to make her happy. Which at that point in the relationship I promptly blew off. I think they were tests to prove my love, or just a control thing.

Probably both. Sometimes I think she mentioned the expensive mixer to see if it would prompt me into buying her things. Everytime  I bought her something she would say,  "I will pay you back". But she never did.

[peiper]

In the year and and a half with her she got thousands in jewelry from me. She acted as if it was no big deal. Ya know what I got?  A card and a drag racing magazine for my birthday and a whole lot of misery. It was always about her. She's BPD with a bunch of NPD

[Lolster]

Think mine did things the wrong way around. When I first met him he assured me he would never say a bad word about the ex who was his childs mother, that they'd just 'grown apart and had nothing in common except their child.' Having said that I did detect odd comments and I suspect it was more a case of wanting to keep me in the dark re what really happened. At the same time he took every opportunity to devalue my childs father, who he'd never actually met.

Fast forward 6yrs to a brief attempt at 'friendship' which was a recycle attempt, and he was calling her the worst mother in the world and bringing up every other ex he'd ever slept with and claiming that HE ended them all. Every time I commented on a negative comment he'd made about them he would try and flip it around to me having the wrong idea and what a lovely girl each of them were, but clearly not good enough for him, . He even told me one of them offered to pay him to continue having sex with her... .And yet he'd told me he just left and never contacted her again when she got another cat. So I wonder when they had the convo re paid sex if by his own admission he walked away without discussion.

And 6yrs later he was still ranting about my childs father, and having a hissy fit if I dared to mention any relationship in the 6yrs since I broke up with him. With hindsight I think he was allowed to discuss his as a way to make me realise just how lucky I was that he chose ME! Lol, 3 meets in and I left again, yuk!

[peiper]

Same exact drill here.  He was some sort of demon at the start but towards the end that became my role and he was somewhat forgiven. I wonder what lies and stuff were told about me. I also wonder how she explained "hanging out" with me again a few months later.  There were certainly some confused looks when I walked into her flat.

I really don't care what has been said or being said about me. The truth always comes out. She had me conned into thinking her ex was a jerk, I think he probably wasn't now. The new replacement will figure that out in time. Every ex she had was a jerk   .

[captainp]

Mine spoke poorly about all of her exes.  Huge red flag that I ignored.  I should have realized that I would eventually be painted with the same brush.  She described them all as horrible people, and honestly made me feel that no guy had ever treated her well in her life.  So of course, I tried really hard to be the guy that always treated her well -- but she was never satisfied with anything I did for her.  

Eventually she started blaming me for everything that went wrong in her life.  

Another huge red flag that I ignored:

She told me wildly inappropriate things about people she cared about on our second date.  For example, she told me that her 25-year-old brother was still a virgin, and kind of laughed about it.  I let that slide, but I really shouldn't have, because that was a huge indicator of her character.  

[peiper]

Mine spoke poorly about all of her exes.  Huge red flag that I ignored.  I should have realized that I would eventually be painted with the same brush.  She described them all as horrible people, and honestly made me feel that no guy had ever treated her well in her life.  So of course, I tried really hard to be the guy that always treated her well -- but she was never satisfied with anything I did for her.  

Eventually she started blaming me for everything that went wrong in her life.  

Another huge red flag that I ignored:

She told me wildly inappropriate things about people she cared about on our second date.  For example, she told me that her 25-year-old brother was still a virgin, and kind of laughed about it.  I let that slide, but I really shouldn't have, because that was a huge indicator of her character.  

All the dirty little secrets were to suck us in. All part of the disorder they have. Mine actually told me things about herself. Like after she had one baby out of wedlock she got pregnant again and had an abortion. Her reasoning according to her was she didn't think God would do that to her twice. Give me a break ! And she believed it. Always the victim.

[Earthbayne]

She would tell me that the majority of the men in her life would eventually walk away because she was a commitment-phobe. This is back when we just used to be co-workers and friends. At the time, I was like... .yeah, whatever.

As we got more romantically involved, all of a sudden she started talking about the guy she was seeing in a negative light. She needed to end things because it wasn't going to go anywhere. She told him about me. She painted him black and I was the new savior. 3-4 months later, she saw him again, at a time where we weren't doing so well.

In hindsight, all classic signs. At the time, I had NO idea what I was up against. I'm pretty sure, neither did any of the ex's.

[Ihope2]

Yes, I got all the gory details about all his exes, and whilst I didn't feel comfortable with this, I encouraged him and listened to him, as I somehow recall feeling that he needed to talk it all out!  And so I had to hear stuff I wished I had never heard.  Really bad stuff.

Like how the one ex would go off and sleep with other men and then same day come back to him.  What her sex drive was like, etc.

And then about his previous wife:  how she would irritate him so he would slip her a heavy sleeping tablet, telling her it was aspirin for her headache.  And she would wake up confused and not know why she slept for so long. 

I mean, this stuff was all very dysfunctional and BAD.  And I thought he would treat me any differently?  How long would it have been, before he would slip me some or other pill to knock me out so that he would be able to go off and do whatever he felt like?

Oh, and yes, towards the end of our relationship, he did start reminiscing about his   exes, especially the one that sounded like the craziest of the bunch.  How they would not have money, but what money they had they knew how to blow it to live life to the full and enjoy the moment fully and not worry about tomorrow.  Unlike me, as I always worry too much about tomorrow... .!

It's still such an eye opener for me when I reflect on the bizarre 12 months I spent with this man... .

[Deeno02]

Me and my exuBPD were together for 16 months. In the first 1-2 months... I heard a LOT of bad things about her ex. Even Personal things that she would laugh at him for. However... around the 4 month mark to the end of the relationship, she would randomly mention him in a positive light. Talk about things they did just her and him, or with a group of friends. She also HATED his new girlfriend. Would often talk about how she didn't think that she was pretty. She also had a very expensive mixer that he bought her. She never used it or ever even opened it. It was like she kept it as a prize. She would often mention how expensive it was. Is this weird or normal behaviour for a BPD? It makes me thing I'm being smeared to her new supply right now, but eventually she will start talking about me in a positive way.

Same here. I was the first guy after her separation /divorce so I heard it all. One flag that I ignored was the fact she was still stalking him on FB and Instagram. When I mentioned it to her and said that maybe it wasnt such a good idea (she would go bat ___ crazy over who he was with and where or what he was doing) she blew up on me saying that shes doing it to keep track of what hes spending and who he is with because of alimony issues and she didnt want the kids around bad people. Should have beat it then, but I actually went along with it. The funny part was that she accused me of not being over my ex-wife when she raged at me when she dumped me... ..

[harbour]

Mine talked a lot about his ex'es, but mostly in a dreamy, sentimental way. His love for his lost girlfriends never dies, he said. He would always love them (us). He had written songs about some of them, and he sometimes sang these songs for me. I didn't feel comfortable with that, but I didn't react to it. He also wrote a song about me. Women in general just captivated him from he was a little boy, he said, and they always will. He also told me that he was violent to most of them. They all left him. So did I.

[billypilgrim]

Yes, my story is very similar to what many have already mentioned.   Her ex was a loser at first then as time went by, he wasn't so bad.  She also mentioned that they were close to marriage but when she decided she wanted to marry me, she suddenly never was interested in marrying her ex.  Then after we were married, she actually sent him a note saying congrats to him on his own engagement.  Nuts.  Now I'm on the outs.  So I guess the next lucky guy is going to have to pass the kid test, that's the next logical step, right?

She also cheated on him (as she has done in all of her relationships) but she never really seemed remorseful for it, she actually blamed him.  She was lonely, he was distant so she cheated.  Pretty pathetic actually yet I bought into it. 

[Turkish]

Well over a year out, mine warned me that she was still not over her ex (this doesn't count a short term bf she wasn't in love with). When we started having trouble, she contacted him, and she shared some of the conversations, even texting back and forth in front of me, telling me how he looked at my myspace profile and said that he was better looking than me, and why was she with me. Keep in mind that he left her... .

This hurt me so much, but my boundaries were lousy, and I put up with it. It was only after S4 was born that I finally felt her detach from him (i.e., her fantasy idealization of him). I even found a note she wrote on our computer which indicated this. That I was "The One" whom she could be with and could finally trust and let go of her past. The true idealization of me only lasted for about a year (~year 3).

[outside9x]

Hi , She talked about him always in a bad light.  He was cheap, and screwed her out of money.  He was gay (he wasn't)

It is always about money , and in fact I heard from her and the last year I was with her, her daughter's dog passed away, which is sad.  I didn't know at the time, but she reveal to me just 3 weeks ago , she was in contact with him even though he lives 1000 miles away, and asked him for money because of the dog.  They were divorce for over 2 years when it happen, and that's not even his daughter, so I think that takes a lot of balls to ask for money, also , yet she was taking back when the last husband told her she cared more about the money then the dog.   I know the second husband, the one she asked was the third, most likely paid the money for the dog, since he helped his daughter 100% with school and the dog in the past.  I think she just wanted money!

It was always money with her.  But I was surprised she contacted him period because she always told me how much she hated him, despised him.  Never admitted to loving him which was odd to me.   MOney rules I guess.  

[FrenchConnection]

When i first started with my exBPDgf, she would talk about her last ex boyfriend quite a bit.  Always in a bad light.  I thought her relationship has been terminated with him for many months.  Apparently, things were still in shell-shock for him and he was having a hard time dealing with the loss of the relationship. 

Of course looking back on it all now i realize i was his replacement.  At the time i thought i was the one "true love of her life".  She talked about other ex's as well from time to time.  Mostly in negative tones but still with some glimpses of goodness.  At the end of our relationship i found out she was talking to one of those ex's again (not her last boyfriend).

[Lion Fire]

Yep! All her ex's were a "mistake". They all let her down.

She was quite sketchy with info. I spoke to her ex before me. Needless to say his side was vastly different from hers   His experience was very close to mine apart from him staying with her for a year, her chucking him out on the city streets at 4am and beating him up while he was sleeping, and posting in caps on his fb profile some really personal stuff and then changing his password! He was in intensive therapy for a full year after the relationship.

[Xidion]

Yep! All her ex's were a "mistake". They all let her down.

She was quite sketchy with info. I spoke to her ex before me. Needless to say his side was vastly different from hers   His experience was very close to mine apart from him staying with her for a year, her chucking him out on the city streets at 4am and beating him up while he was sleeping, and posting in caps on his fb profile some really personal stuff and then changing his password! He was in intensive therapy for a full year after the relationship.

It seems the same with all BPD scenario's. Fact is, everyone will let them down. They rely so much on others for their needs that it's impossible to keep them happy for any long duration of time. They aren't strong enough to look within themselves and fidn their own strength. Because all the lies within themself is hurt and sadness, so they stay away from that part of themselves.

[Turkish]

It seems the same with all BPD scenario's. Fact is, everyone will let them down. They rely so much on others for their needs that it's impossible to keep them happy for any long duration of time. They aren't strong enough to look within themselves and find their own strength. Because all the lies within themself is hurt and sadness, so they stay away from that part of themselves.

The couples' counselor I was abandoned to shared with me one thing that she said to him before she quit. He asked her point-blank, ":)o you trust men?" Her response was "No."

3.5 billion people, painted black. Including her own son. 

She loves our son, but I started to pick up on devaluing (male-bashing) comments when she was still living with us. He was 3.

[Xidion]

It seems the same with all BPD scenario's. Fact is, everyone will let them down. They rely so much on others for their needs that it's impossible to keep them happy for any long duration of time. They aren't strong enough to look within themselves and find their own strength. Because all the lies within themself is hurt and sadness, so they stay away from that part of themselves.

The couples' counselor I was abandoned to shared with me one thing that she said to him before she quit. He asked her point-blank, ":)o you trust men?" Her response was "No."

3.5 billion people, painted black. Including her own son. 

She loves our son, but I started to pick up on devaluing (male-bashing) comments when she was still living with us. He was 3.

This is a perfect example of how cruel they can be. amazing, isn't it? My ex texted me 4 nights ago just to tell me how much of an "upgrade" her new supply is.

[Turkish]

It seems the same with all BPD scenario's. Fact is, everyone will let them down. They rely so much on others for their needs that it's impossible to keep them happy for any long duration of time. They aren't strong enough to look within themselves and find their own strength. Because all the lies within themself is hurt and sadness, so they stay away from that part of themselves.

The couples' counselor I was abandoned to shared with me one thing that she said to him before she quit. He asked her point-blank, ":)o you trust men?" Her response was "No."

3.5 billion people, painted black. Including her own son. 

She loves our son, but I started to pick up on devaluing (male-bashing) comments when she was still living with us. He was 3.

This is a perfect example of how cruel they can be. amazing, isn't it? My ex texted me 4 nights ago just to tell me how much of an "upgrade" her new supply is.

I'm sorry to hear that, Xidion. Mine wasn't that cruel, but she engaged in a not-so-subtle smear campaign on FB against me. Everyone knew whom she was talking about. She was still living with me for months. I blocked her soon after. When she was free, she made sure to paint the new guy (Homewrecker) as being so great as he did x,y,z for her, and that she was so in love. Someone slipped up and told me what she was posting. I re-iterated that I didn't want to know anything and for mutual "friends" (actually, friends of mine she never cleared from her friends list) to not tell me anything. I don't ask, they don't tell.

[Lion Fire]

Turkish, likewise, my NC has gone as far as telling mutual friends that I want nothing to do with her. This includes messages she passes on . Absolutely everything. So far it's been effective and respected by all mutual friends. I'm protecting myself without reservations from her. She will not get near me.

[DangIthurts]

Yes. Mine would at first have nothing to good to say, but after the honeymoon phase "you're just like Ex" "I can't deal with another" then slowly I'd notice nice comments not like overtly nice, but just non-negative comments and when I'd be like HUH? She'd get defensive about it actually sticking up for him. I think I called the guy a loser one time and she said he wasn't. So yes as I got deeper in the black he wasn't favorable by any means but as much as I was trying it hurt because you're like I may be a lot of things but I'm not all those bad things she said about him .

She recently was set off by something someone put up about me on a social media site and in-front of 3000+ people who could see it "maybe he'll be famous one day", "he's not the one for me, good luck getting a girlfriend again", "I'm done whatever bye", "tries to buy love" <- which was the most absurd comment ever because you'd think if I was purchasing love I'd find someone who'd be nice to me but thats I'm sure how she justifies the INSANE level of gifts she got.

Much like Turkish I'm better off knowing NOTHING, but she seems to think I wanna know EVERYTHING. I only told people to let me know if she's getting physically abused. Then I'll deal with it.  I'm sure there is a big smear campaign against me, but I think lots of people know better not that I was perfect.

[HappyNihilist]

Mine talked a lot about his ex'es, but mostly in a dreamy, sentimental way. His love for his lost girlfriends never dies, he said. He would always love them (us). He had written songs about some of them, and he sometimes sang these songs for me. I didn't feel comfortable with that, but I didn't react to it. He also wrote a song about me. Women in general just captivated him from he was a little boy, he said, and they always will. He also told me that he was violent to most of them. They all left him. So did I.

The bolded parts are just like my exbf. He talked a lot about his ex-girlfriends and ex-wives, especially one who was obviously very special to him. (He compared me to her a lot.) Mostly it was in a sentimental way; sometimes just recounting stories, usually positive or neutral. He had some animosity towards his first ex-wife, but other than that he wasn't often negative about his exes. He did show me nude pictures of his "special" ex, which was a bit awkward.

He had the same sort of outlook on women, too. He was just fascinated by women, loved women, thought women were these fantastical, magical creatures... .whom he also wanted to break, control, and abuse.

The worst part of it, looking back, were all the comparisons -- direct and indirect, good and bad and indifferent. Two years of that really did something to my psyche.

[parisian]

Mine was quite guarded about all her previous relationships.

When I asked if she was still friends with any of them, she said it was a mix of friendships and no-ways. Although I never really saw any example of the friendships that she said existed.

She never articulated what had happened in any of them re why they didn't work or who called it off.

She dropped a few negative comments about her last ex, but then she dropped negative comments about just about everything. Her comments weren't scathing - just observations about things like 'she was disorganised'. That was all.

She never told me she had BPD, but there were lots of hints and obivous signs. I guess knowing what I know now, the BPD was probably the cause of all the previous break-ups which would explain her hesitation in talking about it.