I am trying to make sense of some things. I guess the fog is lifting.
Be patient, this takes time and the fog is in layers... .
Questions are good - try to stay focused on the facts of the disorder rather than black/white thinking that many people find themselves doing when they get here too. This is a spectrum disorder.
When my dBPDexgf said to that she couldn't forgive me for x, y, and z. What she really meant was she couldn't forgive herself? Is that right?
without context, this is a guessing game that is going to leave you totally frustrated.
pwBPD have very intense feelings and these feelings sometimes become facts or reality for them. A key word to remember is their perception (not reality necessarily).
The example you give is projection. This is a maladaptive coping technique induced by shame often. However, that may or may not be what happened in your example, it could be a perceived abandonment fear that you are not privy to knowing.
Or when she said she didn't trust me not to cheat or to leave the relationship, was it that she could't trust herself.
Again, maybe this is a projection or maybe it was her very real abandonment fear triggered. Again, her actions & words are likely based on a perception, not necessarily reality, thus it is very difficult for you to know for sure what is going on... .what you know for sure is that your reality does not match hers and it is making you a bit nuts too ;-)
I just feel mixed up and I'm trying to make sense of things that she said. And how about the blame? But she would only blame me. She never took responsibility for anything. I was just wondering.
Taking responsibility is a trait that emotionally mature people have - many people that are not BPD are horrible at taking responsibility for the record.
With BPD, shame is intense - all or nothing - black/white thinking. So what you think is a simple apology, to a pwBPD that apology is like saying "I am all bad and horrible person".
pwBPD live with emotional chaos that you only are seeing a small part of - it is like an iceberg, a lot more is going on under the surface than you have any idea about.
Keep asking questions, refer to the facts when you get confused - the facts are pretty clear when we are able to take our own emotion out of it. For the record, by the time you actually understand all this - you will know more than most T's... .sad, but true. This disorder is still very much misunderstood.
Another tip, read up on DBT, by understanding the treatment, I was able to understand the disorder in much greater detail not to mention those skills are amazing for everyone.
Best,
SB