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Author Topic: Did they really love us?  (Read 4644 times)
Harlygirl
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« on: December 02, 2014, 11:42:03 PM »

Did they really love us... .or did they just REALLY... .REALLY... .REALLY... .not want us to LEAVE THEM?
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peiper
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« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2014, 11:49:35 PM »

Years ago when I smoked I loved a new pack of fresh cigs. When I'd smoked them all the love for that pack was gone and I threw it away because I'd used what I wanted. That's the way I equate a pwBPD.
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terranova79
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« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2014, 12:08:46 AM »

I think BPDs are capable of loving someone but, at least in my experience with my uBPDw, they are so emotionally stunted and confused that those feelings of love can, during times of stress, disappear and be replaced by feeling of contempt and scorn.  Sure, this can happen with normal people too, but BPDs have much thinner skin and can be triggered by things that would never be much of a problem for a non.  And BPDs hold onto grudges for much longer.

So the short of it is that (based on my experiences), they might love you for a while, but it is likely to fail and never come back.
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neverloveagain
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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2014, 02:07:26 AM »

They love the thought of being in love and a perfect one at that. And we all know how that story ends.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2014, 10:23:26 AM »

I really have no clue anymore if she did or not. It is what it is... .:'(
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camuse
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« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2014, 10:40:23 AM »

I too have no idea. Gave up trying to work it out.

Does it matter anyway? It's just another label, a word - meaningless without the actions to back it up.

I don't care for future partners telling me they love me now. They can show me with kindness, empathy, understanding etc, but the word has lost meaning for me.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2014, 10:42:47 AM »

I think at the point in time when they say it, and look at you with the crazy eyes and are leaving you notes everywhere, i think they really do. Of course it's ridiculous to be "in love" with someone after a week or two but in their minds it's real when it's happening. The problem is that when devaluation begins they will believe they never loved you to begin with.
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« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2014, 10:56:27 AM »

I too have no idea. Gave up trying to work it out.

Does it matter anyway? It's just another label, a word - meaningless without the actions to back it up.

I don't care for future partners telling me they love me now. They can show me with kindness, empathy, understanding etc, but the word has lost meaning for me.

Im getting better, but I will tell you one thing, I dont trust any woman thats not in my immediate family. Oh, there have been a few expressing interest since Im back on the market, Ive steered clear. I can't.
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2014, 11:50:47 AM »

It's a strange sort of love.  Sort of like now you see me, and now you don't.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2014, 11:55:14 AM »

I suppose I qualify for this board, too, because I had a previous BPD partner in addition to my current BPD partner.  

With my previous partner - I did a lot of soul searching and concluded that she did have emotions for me, but not "love".  I really don't think she was capable of love as most of us understand it, not even for her own family or child.  It was almost like other people weren't even in the same universe as her.  She had a need for other people, and would care about them in their own way - but the "respect" component of love was not there.  I think for true love requires a level of respect and acceptance for people for who they are.  with her own son, it was like she didn't see him so much as an individual, but instead a part of her - like another limb.  I think she was in love with the idea of having a son, and having a boyfriend, but I think that is where it stopped.  

About my current partner - boy there are some days where I question whether she loves me.  She will be cold, cruel, and mean.  I think, "if she really loves me, why can't she stop that mean behavior towards me?"  But - I do feel and trust that she does love me beyond the level of need.  I've come to a point of acceptance and understanding that her mean behavior is coming from a different place.  that does not justify the bad behavior, but I also don't use the bad behavior as proof she doesn't also truly love me.  
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Xidion
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« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2014, 02:38:57 PM »

I still have a letter from my ex that she wrote me long ago. It says how I am everything she has always wanted. It also states that she wants a perfect relationship like a fairytale and how she wants to be a princess. She states that she knows it isn't reality, but that's what she wants. No one will ever live up to this expectation. They "loved" us in the idealization stage when all they saw were our good qualities (remember that they see all good and all bad, nothing in between). But once the honeymoon stage is over and the endorphins in their brain calm down, they start to see our flaws (which every human being has). That's when they start to detach. They are a never ending cycle of the honeymoon phase... that's all they want. They are constantly searching for a relationship that will stay that way forever.
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Perdita
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2014, 02:46:55 PM »

They "loved" us in the idealization stage when all they saw were our good qualities (remember that they see all good and all bad, nothing in between). But once the honeymoon stage is over and the endorphins in their brain calm down, they start to see our flaws (which every human being has).

Very true.  3 months into our r/s he told me "I wish we could go back to when we didn't know that much about each other."  He was quite emotional when he said it. 

They always want what they can't have.  And no, I don't believe he ever really loved me.
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Indyan
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2014, 03:05:13 PM »

I really have no clue anymore if she did or not. It is what it is... .:'(

Same here  :'(

I just can't make sense of all this 
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Indyan
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2014, 03:06:47 PM »

I don't care for future partners telling me they love me now. They can show me with kindness, empathy, understanding etc, but the word has lost meaning for me.

Reading this made me cry.

I realized that's exactly how I feel today... .words are just soap bubbles.
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fred6
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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2014, 03:18:01 PM »

Pfft, I guess it's like she told me when she was breaking up with me. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". What the heck does that mean? You either love someone or you don't. If you ever hear that phrase from a woman, she's nutty as a fruitcake and/or probably cheating on you.
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fred6
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2014, 03:21:50 PM »

words are just soap bubbles.

My ex once told me that her and her son's father used to say "I love you" to each other. But it didn't mean anything, they were just words. Then she told me, "It's not like that with you".

Ummm, I beg to differ ma'am. I bet she's telling new supply "I love you" as we speak. Hahaha, ain't life grand?
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bunnyrabit
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2014, 03:49:14 PM »

Sure, just like a 3 year old can have a deep a meaningful love for someone... .They just say whatever they think will get them what they want at that moment. To me their behavior all makes sense when I think about how a toddler would go about handling a specific situation. They're just not able to really grasp the concept of empathy nor the fact that their behavior is hurtful to others. Just look at the devious things a toddler does to the love of his life, his mother... .We're just not bothered by it when it's an infant because we think: ah well, he just doesn't know any better yet... .but it's exactly the same dynamic going on with your BPD ex. BPD is a serious mental illness people, stop trying to compare their minds to a relatively normal functioning adult mind. Give it all a place, have compassion but have compassion for yourself too and move on. You wouldn't be be with a intellectually retarded person, so why be with an emotional retarded one?
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Indyan
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« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2014, 03:52:03 PM »

My ex once told me that her and her son's father used to say "I love you" to each other. But it didn't mean anything, they were just words. Then she told me, "It's not like that with you".

Ummm, I beg to differ ma'am. I bet she's telling new supply "I love you" as we speak. Hahaha, ain't life grand?

Oh yes. That reminds me of the whole fuss around saying "I love you" in the beginning of the r/s.

He was obsessed by the idea that I could say it just to hear "I love you too" in return.

It took quite a while for him to be able to say it, or to answer "I love you too" without wondering about stupid mind games.

So much that he kept on saying it even though he was rejecting me, treating me like ennemy no1 and telling horrible things about me to his family... .
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Trog
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« Reply #18 on: December 03, 2014, 03:57:51 PM »

I'd have to say no, I think when we were providing a stable life and doing what they wanted 24/7 and making the apologies even when they were to blame, accepting all the guilt and admitting every thing that happens is our fault, they act like they do, they may even think they do, but people that love other people do not behave as they do. It's not love, sorry.
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Trog
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« Reply #19 on: December 03, 2014, 04:05:36 PM »

.
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Indyan
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« Reply #20 on: December 03, 2014, 04:08:09 PM »

It's not love, sorry.

No, it's not.

But it's more complicated that this.

Their brain tells us that we are evil, their memory is affected.

But mainly, they believe that they're feeling miserable BECAUSE of us, and need to make us feel miserable in return.

Where I agree is that some people can be mentally ill and be kind people.

There should be NO excuse to nastiness.
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Trog
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« Reply #21 on: December 03, 2014, 04:12:11 PM »

It's not love, sorry.

No, it's not.

But it's more complicated that this.

Their brain tells us that we are evil, their memory is affected.

But mainly, they believe that they're feeling miserable BECAUSE of us, and need to make us feel miserable in return.

Where I agree is that some people can be mentally ill and be kind people.

There should be NO excuse to nastiness.

Quite, but I'm sick of making excuses for someone who mentally and physically abuses me well or not, who threatens my family and makes allegations. I'm past caring what is wrong with her or wondering why she does things, they're just not acceptable full stop. She believes because we got married that means I made a promise and am simply not allowed to leave, I have to stay in a marriage where I am told I am a Bleep every day, where my feelings are not taken into account for one second, where she spends like a moron and wastes any gain I can ever possbly make. Im sick of this particular BPD, she has no respect for me but manages perfectly well to be charming to everyone around. Its a choice to be an a&&hole IMO.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #22 on: December 03, 2014, 04:14:42 PM »

Away from the r/s now for almost 4 months, I feel she never did love me, I was just used by her to get her esteem back after being dumped by her husband and get back on her feet. Once that happened, I was done. And I hate her for that.
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Indyan
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« Reply #23 on: December 03, 2014, 04:21:49 PM »

Quite, but I'm sick of making excuses for someone who mentally and physically abuses me well or not, who threatens my family and makes allegations. I'm past caring what is wrong with her or wondering why she does things, they're just not acceptable full stop.

Do you have kids together?

Same here, and as my D10 (not his daughter) puts it: "There's a limit and he's gone far beyond this limit".
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Trog
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« Reply #24 on: December 03, 2014, 04:24:00 PM »

Quite, but I'm sick of making excuses for someone who mentally and physically abuses me well or not, who threatens my family and makes allegations. I'm past caring what is wrong with her or wondering why she does things, they're just not acceptable full stop.

Do you have kids together?

Same here, and as my D10 (not his daughter) puts it: "There's a limit and he's gone far beyond this limit".

No kids thank god.
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downwhim
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« Reply #25 on: December 03, 2014, 05:46:46 PM »

I would like to think that he truly loved me for those 8 years. I think he did as best he could but at times I view it as addiction. He would tell me everyday he loved me. But, words are cheap aren't they... .
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Deeno02
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« Reply #26 on: December 03, 2014, 05:57:50 PM »

I would like to think that he truly loved me for those 8 years. I think he did as best he could but at times I view it as addiction. He would tell me everyday he loved me. But, words are cheap aren't they... .

Yes they are...
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #27 on: December 03, 2014, 06:01:25 PM »

Excluding complete sociopaths, I think everyone's capable of feeling love. That doesn't mean that it's a healthy, mature, and/or lasting love. But they are humans, and they love in their way.

pwBPD are emotionally stunted; it follows that their concept of love is typically not the same as a healthy adult's. I'm fond of the 3-year-old child analogy, myself. It helps put a lot of their behavior into perspective. No, a 3-year-old is not capable of understanding or experiencing a healthy adult relationship, but they can certainly experience love. They love their parents -- except when they're being punished or denied by them. (Sound familiar?) They love people they literally just met ("You like Barbie? You're my best friend!". These feelings are very real to them. But it's not the same kind of love that emotionally mature adults feel.
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« Reply #28 on: December 03, 2014, 06:14:54 PM »

My ex loved me. But she associates love with fear so this triggered her fears of abandonment and engulfment which because of her deeply ingrained trust issues caused her to test me in ways that pushed me away like a self fulfilling prophesy.  Her love was based in her needs to satisfy her impulsive desires and as a parental figure to her abandoned child. Does a parent love their child? Does a child love their parent? 
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DangIthurts
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« Reply #29 on: December 03, 2014, 06:18:42 PM »

Excluding complete sociopaths, I think everyone's capable of feeling love. That doesn't mean that it's a healthy, mature, and/or lasting love. But they are humans, and they love in their way.

pwBPD are emotionally stunted; it follows that their concept of love is typically not the same as a healthy adult's. I'm fond of the 3-year-old child analogy, myself. It helps put a lot of their behavior into perspective. No, a 3-year-old is not capable of understanding or experiencing a healthy adult relationship, but they can certainly experience love. They love their parents -- except when they're being punished or denied by them. (Sound familiar?) They love people they literally just met ("You like Barbie? You're my best friend!". These feelings are very real to them. But it's not the same kind of love that emotionally mature adults feel.

Spot on. And thats the problem for most of us here, we are trying to logically view it as to what we know of love and tried to do for them as a definition or standard of  "love", which isn't the case or something they are capable of. Doesn't mean they love us or don't its just what it is Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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