Reached out for closure... mistake?

[Cielo]

so, I've been going back and forth on whether to get closure or not.  Based on the support from the people on this site, I decided to do so.  Quick recap, my BPD exgf broke up with me immediately after our "amazing" trip and never gave me a reason, not one!  I was doing NC for a while, but it just kept nagging at me.  I was going to call her and decided against it because our last conversation amounted to zilch and she doesn't react well to pressure.  I figured an email gives her the time to gather her words and reply when she's able. 

Well, it's been 3 days and nothing from her.  We are part of the same group of friends (of which I am in a constant group text with her) and she is coming back in to town for the holidays.  We will see each for a party and she will be in my building staying with our mutual friend during that time as well.

If she doesn't reply, do I reach out again?  Do I say anything to her when I see her, like "why didn't you respond"?  Should I send a text saying "check your email"? 

[Fluff]

I was doing NC for a while, but it just kept nagging at me.

Really though, do you want closure for the sake of closure? Or, do you want her?

[Cielo]

I was doing NC for a while, but it just kept nagging at me.

Really though, do you want closure for the sake of closure? Or, do you want her?

At this point, I really want closure.  Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time, but I don't see how things could possibly workout in her current state.  But even with that said, I'm not able to turn the corner on her.  I am hoping she tells me something to get me to move forward.  The not knowing is eatting at me.

[Confusedandhurt]

Hey Cielo,

I can relate.  The good news is that she's been consistent in not responding.  The bad news is that you'll never likely get an answer.  The trauma inside them is such that they will never understand it themselves, unless they get serious help.  My exgf sent me a text telling me she needed to move on after a 4 year relationship.  What I learned later was that she jumped right into a new relationship to ensure she got the attention she craved.

Many here only got closure as they understood the disorder from friends here on this site.  They never got closure from their ex's.  That certainly was the case for me.  This is why so many encourage NC as the only way to go.  It's helped me, but it still hurts after being apart two years.

Spend time reading others' stories on this site.  They are a God send, and can eventually help you get the closure you seek.

Take care,

C&H

[evilpepsi]

I was doing NC for a while, but it just kept nagging at me.

Really though, do you want closure for the sake of closure? Or, do you want her?

At this point, I really want closure.  Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time, but I don't see how things could possibly workout in her current state.  But even with that said, I'm not able to turn the corner on her.  I am hoping she tells me something to get me to move forward.  The not knowing is eatting at me.

Why beat yourself up bro?  What she tells you today won't even be accurate tomorrow. This is my second rodeo of dating someone with BPD and there never really is any closure. You're going to have to create your own. That's the price that we have to pay for loving them... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cielo, It sounds like you are barking up the wrong tree, my friend.  If you hear anything from her, it will most likely be negative, so why do you want to put yourself through it?  LuckyJim

[billypilgrim]

I, like you, desperately wanted closure.  I didn't get an explanation at all on the day she left.  She didn't talk to me about anything that day aside from I'm leaving.  And she never even said that outright, she just shook her head and packed her stuff.  She eventually reached out via e-mail and all of it was non-sense.  It's like she had journaled each and every mistake I made during our 6 years together and gave it to me front and center while taking zero responsibility herself.  She made herself out to be faultless, almost as if she had done everything right and now she had to leave because she wasn't happy.  Reading that was excruciating as I took everything personally.  It's laughable now because looking back at it now, I see that it was all about her.  Just like our relationship.  I realized shortly thereafter that I had been replaced (in her mind anyway) by a mutual friend.  She has since moved to an ex boyfriend.  Rinse/repeat.  Nothing will change.

The pain sucks.  I'm still dealing with it.  But trust me, you don't want to go there.  What answer do you possibly think will come of it?  I still ask myself on days that I'm struggling, what do I really want to hear?  What explanation will actually be satisfying?  And most importantly, is she capable of providing that validation?  The answer is no.  Move on with life, you'll be much happier.  I'm sorry you share such a close nit group of friends but you'll find a way to manage.

[Rise]

At this point, I really want closure.  Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time, but I don't see how things could possibly workout in her current state.  But even with that said, I'm not able to turn the corner on her.  I am hoping she tells me something to get me to move forward.  The not knowing is eatting at me.

You are realistically not going to get any sort of answer that makes you feel better from your ex (it's not impossible, but if she has BPD, it's not likely either). You've already reached out to her, and she chose not to respond. She isn't interested in talking to you about it. Even if you track her down and corner her, it's most likely going to make her feel bad and you're just going to get told how it was all your fault. Is that really going to make you feel better?

Cielo, one of the first lessons I learned on these boards is this: Closure comes from within you, not someone else. You've got to get okay with you. Realize that this wasn't your fault. It was all about her and her issues, not you. That's when closure comes.

[evilpepsi]

Mine begged me to marry her less than 24 hours before we split up and after the split, it was like a total stranger was standing in front of me.

I got to love her dude. Yeah, the memories hurt, but I still got to love her. I made my own closure.  That's about the only form of closure that you're going to get... .

[fred6]

We all want closure. And I think that most of us attempt to get it in our own way. I'll never get closure barring some kind of miracle recovery on her part. Actually, I don't really get any replies from her about anything. She avoids everything about me even though according to her, "I did nothing wrong to cause any of this". So, lets get this straight. I didn't cause any of this and she won't even talk to me. Makes sense right? Wrong. Even if she chose to sit down and talk to me, she probably doesn't know the answers to my questions. It's just a tangled mess of lies and bad decisions.

You have to decide what to do on your own, but I would (try to)forget about it. The sooner you give up hope on the relationship with her, the less closure is going to matter to you. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying. We're all in the same boat around here.

[seeking balance]

Cielo - I know this is all hard right now; confusing and crazy-making.



We all did get closure, it is over.  What we want is an explanation that we use to validate our own worth when this is all broken down.

The thing is, you don't need her to validate your worth - you just don't.

I don't know your story, but if she is BPD - you are asking her to do something that she likely is not capable of - take responsibility.  Trust me my friend, that is going to frustrate you even more.

Sure, go ahead and ask her again what happened and really listen to her... .no matter what she says, don't argue it - it is real for her.  If she doesn't answer again, well... .you do have an answer - she doesn't want to talk about it.

If she doesn't reply, do I reach out again?  Do I say anything to her when I see her, like "why didn't you respond"?  Should I send a text saying "check your email"? 

If you do this, can you see how it makes you look a bit desperate?  If someone treated your good friend the way she treated you (going MIA after an amazing trip) what would you tell your friend to do?

Peace,

SB

[camuse]

All I ever wanted was one word of closure - maybe just a tiny bit of acceptance that it wasn't entirely my fault, maybe just an apology. Even just a civil conversation about what had happened. 

All I got was anger, lies, abuse, blame, rewriting of history, more blame, and general nonsensical madness.

In the end I had to give up. It was like all the mad thoughts she had were placed on top of each other in her mind until they were all squashed together, making no sense any longer.


You are wasting your time. The only benefit I got was realising just how disordered her mind actually was. I got to see what a pathological liar she was, too. Did it do me any good though?

You cannot get closure here. You might as well try to get closure from a cat that has scratched you, asking it repeatedly to apologise as it stares blankly at your face. You can only get your closure by understanding the disorder, understanding what really happened, accepting and moving on.

[day2day]

Trying to get closure from a BPDexgf is like repeatedly putting a dollar bill into an empty soda machine.

[Cielo]

Confusedandhurt- I will continue to read your stories and try to soak up as much as I can to make peace with this situation, thank you

Evilpepsi- no idea why I keep beating myself up.  I haven't allowed myself to pass the blame to her yet, my focus is only on what I did wrong and I need to change that. 

LuckyJim & billypilgrim - I'm not totally sure that my ex is really BPD.  I was hoping that the response from her might give me so e additional feedback to give me a better clue.   The fact that she didn't respond, as sad as it is, could be the proof I was looking for. 

Rise - I keep repeating that to myself, but it isn't sinking in.  I will

Fred6- horrible feeling, I know. Our stories sound eerily similar. 

Seeking balance-  yes, it does sound desperate to re-address her if she doesn't respond.  My concern is now that when I see her in three weeks and she still hasn't responded yet, how do I address it... .avoid as if I didn't write anything?  That might be my only choice. 

Camuse & day2day- those are good analogies.  If she is BPD, then she is high functioning, and I was hoping for any idea of what she might have been thinking. 

Thank you all for your responses, they have helped me tremendously during one of my down days.  I'm new to this experience with pBPD and I wouldn't know what to do without everyone here.   Really amazing!

[day2day]

IF you see her again, my advice would be to keep it classy, but with an air of indifference.

[peiper]

Don't reach out again, it just makes you look needy. Your going to have to give yourself the closure.

[evilpepsi]

Don't worry about what you did wrong.  She will twist it to suit her version of reality bro. You can't win with this.

[Skip]

I don't think I did anything wrong within that time to cause her to change her feelings for me.

Ceilo,

You probably didn't didn't do anything wrong.

At two months, any little thing can sully a romance.  

Ever see the Jerry Seinfeld parody where he meets this beautiful girl, but then obsesses and drops because her hands are too big?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSL4cmFW_GU  He can't tell her.  She is can't imagine what went wrong.

The romantic weekend didn't work for her.  It may be for superficial reasons or it may be deep reasons or it may have nothing to do with you.  She may not be telling you because its embarrassing to say or even that she doesn't know for sure.

It might have been too much, too soon, on your end. She might like a little more "chase".

If it was too much, too soon, you are going to make it way worse by pushing for an answer on anything.

I'd step way back right now and let go. When you see her, be a great guy, no care in the world, past forgotten. I suspect she will be most receptive to that.

I know this is not a comfortable answer - and you're hurting - but when you look back a year from now you'll see why I'm saying this.

Meanwhile - hang with us.  We're family.  We'll get you through this.  

Skip

[Cielo]

I don't think I did anything wrong within that time to cause her to change her feelings for me.

Ceilo,

You probably didn't didn't do anything wrong.

At two months, any little thing can sully a romance.  

Ever see the Jerry Seinfeld parody where he meets this beautiful girl, but then obsesses and drops because her hands are too big?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSL4cmFW_GU  He can't tell her.  She is can't imagine what went wrong.

The romantic weekend didn't work for her.  It may be for superficial reasons or it may be deep reasons or it may have nothing to do with you.  She may not be telling you because its embarrassing to say or even that she doesn't know for sure.

It might have been too much, too soon, on your end. She might like a little more "chase".

If it was too much, too soon, you are going to make it way worse by pushing for an answer on anything.

I'd step way back right now and let go. When you see her, be a great guy, no care in the world, past forgotten. I suspect she will be most receptive to that.

I know this is not a comfortable answer - and you're hurting - but when you look back a year from now you'll see why I'm saying this.

Meanwhile - hang with us.  We're family.  We'll get you through this.  

Skip

Thanks Skip that is very helpful and very painful at the same time.  I thought I was following her lead.  She told me she was falling in love with me, talked about places where we could buy a house, and asked me to stay an extra day.  

I do have a gut wrenching feeling that I was too much too quick... .and also that there might have been something she was too embarrassed to say because she blamed it on herself.  It feels like we got propelled off a ramp and I am still flying through the air while she dropped straight to the floor.  

[Deeno02]

Do not waste anymore of your time. We all seem to want closure, Im no exception. Im not wasting my time on it. Chances are that even if I do, it will be all my fault anyway. Im not going to sit still for that. Move on and enjoy your life. Go to that party, treat her with indifference and have fun. BUT... .if you proceed with it, be prepared for the consequences that may occur... .

[Splitblack4good]

I was doing NC for a while, but it just kept nagging at me.

Really though, do you want closure for the sake of closure? Or, do you want her?

At this point, I really want closure.  Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time, but I don't see how things could possibly workout in her current state.  But even with that said, I'm not able to turn the corner on her.  I am hoping she tells me something to get me to move forward.  The not knowing is eatting at me.

She will most likely twist it or lie anyway tbh and put all the blame on you then you will feel even worse than you do now

[whythisgirl]

Hi Cielo! I'm going through the same thing right now with my exbfBPD. We ended it on Monday and he made wrongful accusation about me and said some really hurtful things. It was so bad that I changed my number. I reached out to him through email and received no response. Finally I gave in today and called him blocking my number and he was angry and verbally abusive. Wow that was a slap in my face. He acted as if I was a person who killed his murder, felt like I was speaking with the devil. Save yourself the despair, I wouldn't waste my time reaching back out to her if I were you... Im just hoping now that I don't bump into him at church on Sunday (although his religion is different from mine, he seem to adapt my church home as his... quite hilarious)... Goodluck with everything. I'm going through my depression state at this time but I need to get through to hurry up and get over this disrespectful individual. Its not healthy to put overselves though this.

[Splitblack4good]

I know it's hard me ex gf was proper nasty a few days after I ended it she was verbally menacing! But I could tell she was hurt I ended it beacause she was so angry at me for in here yes abandoning Her but we decided to have a break due to her withdrawing from me just turns out at that point I had so much frustration built up I lost it and said hurtfull things to her and broke her heart instantly! I felt so bad afterwards as they don't realise they are doing it to a degree that to a non is affencive then she was making me hurt and she knew if she hadnt started the argument it wouldnt of ended so all the blame went on me ! 12hours later she has a replacement and made no hesitation in hurting me more by plastering pics on FB of her all over him ! Since then ive stayed NC a week later she rang me and actually said sorry however made it clear to leave her alone and never contact her again and that's what I'm doin do I miss her yes like crazy am I hurting bloody right I am but I know it will ease with time.

[Splitblack4good]

Even though my ex is borderline they do hurt aswell but in a different way to us when my ex had calmed down abit and rang me I could hear in her voice she was hurting but at the same time put all blame on me its just who they are I know my ex is with another guy now and will not be thinking of me in the slightest she would of forgotten about me the second she put the phone down as her new fella is filling that void the moment something goes wrong in ther relationship I may get a text or call because she wil remember me then because I did sooth her pain in the past closure comes by itself buddy !

[Splitblack4good]

You need to concentrate on yourself now and stay active and before long the feelings and conffused mind will subside I was lucky my ex rang me really it was sort of good bye from both of us so I guess it was something and nice to hear her voice one last time I ended it with her because it isn't healthy and it would of ended at some point

[Splitblack4good]

Trying to get closure from a BPDexgf is like repeatedly putting a dollar bill into an empty soda machine.

Ha ha love it !

[Deeno02]

Even though my ex is borderline they do hurt aswell but in a different way to us when my ex had calmed down abit and rang me I could hear in her voice she was hurting but at the same time put all blame on me its just who they are I know my ex is with another guy now and will not be thinking of me in the slightest she would of forgotten about me the second she put the phone down as her new fella is filling that void the moment something goes wrong in ther relationship I may get a text or call because she wil remember me then because I did sooth her pain in the past closure comes by itself buddy !

I think that's my biggest fear is that she will eventually remember me. I was the first dude after her separation/divorce and I did treat her and her kids very well. I do have to see her as she coaches my son, so I'm avoiding it much as I can. Just not looking forward to it.

[Lion Fire]

I don't believe closure in the normal sense is possible with a BPDex. In my case, my ex just had to win, she had to justify her abominable actions by projecting her stuff all over me and amplifying my shortcomings. In other words, I had to take ALL the blame. I was told that I was "very very sick" and "must go into intensive therapy". She diagnosed me with BPD and being a sociopath. She instructed me to come back to her once I was healed.

Although I was dazed and confused at the time, I knew she was projecting and avoiding any responsibility. She was trying to force me into a confession  where I would admit my severe mental illness and take responsibility for ALL the destruction in our r/s. F**k that! I was not prepared to do this so retreated, cut her off and focused on my own healing. Once I had enough space from her, I got to see how very sick our r/s was and how much I didn't want to be involved in the madness... .In truth, we were both insane (for different reasons). I have been strict NC with her for 5 months, she stopped reaching out 3 months ago. Peace, balance and stability have returned... .

 

If you are serious about closure... .detach, grieve and just move on. Believe me, there are better partners out there 

Peace