One minute I hate her, the next I want her back

[Xidion]

5 weeks today since my exBPD left me for someone else and has treated me like a monster ever since. Today is 6 days of no contact. It's the longest NC since the breakup. The last contact was her being very cruel to me. Seemed like she was trying her hardest to say hurtful things. My emotions are everywhere. One minute I hate her, the next I'm crying, the next I want her back, the next I want to contact her, then back to hate.  I wake up thinking about her. I go to the bathroom at work when I feel tears coming on. My focus is gone. I could really use some encouragement in mass amounts.

[Jmanster]

You and I are going through the same thing man. I always think about her too... .But what makes me love her less and slowly makes me think less of her is the fact that she has caused so much damage to me. MENTAL damage! I'm getting better now and I'm starting to get myself back, but I was on the verge of getting myself into a mental institution. "Why make one miserable, when you can make so many happy?" I only hear horror stories about these people and I lived one as well. Do yourself a favor, get a few therapist sessions and continue to post your progress on this page (that alone makes me feel so much better.) Take care of yourself

[Popcorn71]

Although you may find it difficult to believe, you will feel better one day.

I felt exactly as you do.  15 months after he dumped me for the replacement, I can honestly say I am happy.  I get bad days, but the worst day is never as bad as most of the days were at the end of my marriage to my xBPDh.

Give yourself time to get over this.  But do look forward to a better future, because that is what you will have.

[Caredverymuch]

5 weeks today since my exBPD left me for someone else and has treated me like a monster ever since. Today is 6 days of no contact. It's the longest NC since the breakup. The last contact was her being very cruel to me. Seemed like she was trying her hardest to say hurtful things. My emotions are everywhere. One minute I hate her, the next I'm crying, the next I want her back, the next I want to contact her, then back to hate.  I wake up thinking about her. I go to the bathroom at work when I feel tears coming on. My focus is gone. I could really use some encouragement in mass amounts.

Xidion, I understand how you feel having been there in every way you state.

In the immediate stages of the BU or NC, it's truly excruciating. The hardest on the emotions and the heart.  In many ways, you are still very much on the rollercoaster while being very human and feeling your real emotions in a situation that makes very little sense. It felt like the rug was pulled out from beneath me in the immediate days he left me and split me colder than cold.

I wanted him back as well. 

How are you feeling about the r/s overall? Are you hoping to re-engage or continue detaching?

Whatever you feel, know it's very real and okay to feel. 

[Targeted]

Me too but getting a handle on the reality of everything now after 5 months,

I still cry, feel angry, sad, used, hopeful, but not hopeless.

[peiper]

The healing reminds me of waves breaking on the beach, they come in then recede. It gets better. We've been in the worst type of relationship, they suck us in by their tricks of making us feel loved and idolized. Then once they have us they do a 180. It's not surprising we're left confused. Give yourself time.

[Targeted]

Peiper, that's what's working for me too, TIME,

Along with knowledge.

[parisian]

Hi Xidion, as everyone says, it will get better. I realise that doesn't help things this exact moment.

Try journalling? Just writing out all your emotions, thoughts, whatever comes into your head. Write and write and write it all out. Then write some more. It is a great way to show you are healing because over time you write less, and your feelings change, and you can look back over earlier stuff and notice how things have changed for you.

Try meditation - there are plenty on Youtube. It will help with the emotional stuff and anxiety - especially focusing on breathing and getting your head clear, if nothing else.

Hugs buddy. 

[Climbmountains91]

I cant sympathise and empathise enough with how your feeling though lately i feel deep down I'm making some slowly but surely progress to detach. I hope how I'm feeling now will be permanent though i still need work on areas but i learnt (don't know if this is how everyones sees it) but the detaching thing comes in our own time even if it is slow. The first stage is admitting its all wrong and you want to get out of it, the first step is always the painfullest, you ruminate, you love you hate, you want to contact thinking theres still that chance, a little part hoping and preying for a recycle etc... But then in my experience overnight its clicked ive realised everything and towards him i feel empty, anger. I feel nothing towards him now but anger but thats the grief, the second phase is the grief stage and i never thought in a million years id get to this stage i thought id need a miracle, I've still got a long road ahead of me of detaching just to break that final chain but its all in my own time. I never believed people on here when they say it gets better now i think i am, i never thought id get this man off my mind or get to the point where i dont wanna hang out with him and now i "hopefully" have. I prey to god i have. I never want to go back to that first stage, life style change helped in some way. Meeting new people and that, starting at the gym, being with people that have normal human life styles other than like him sitting on his bum all day playing games, immature. Im even thinking about dating.

I hope im not talking out my bum here. Stay strong  

[peiper]

5 weeks today since my exBPD left me for someone else and has treated me like a monster ever since. Today is 6 days of no contact. It's the longest NC since the breakup. The last contact was her being very cruel to me. Seemed like she was trying her hardest to say hurtful things. My emotions are everywhere. One minute I hate her, the next I'm crying, the next I want her back, the next I want to contact her, then back to hate.  I wake up thinking about her. I go to the bathroom at work when I feel tears coming on. My focus is gone. I could really use some encouragement in mass amounts.

This is one of the reasons NC is good for us. It gives us a chance to step back and look at what really happened logically instead of emotionally. Hang in there

[Awesome Jim]

It's the sweet/sour cycle she has created that has you hooked. She's awesome when she's sweet and makes you feel guilty, like everything's your fault, when she's sour. It's like a drug but you have to want to kick the habit.

[Xidion]

You're right. Even when I caught her talking to another guy the first time, it was my fault because I didn't give her enough attention. I wasn't good enough to her, etc etc. Even though I was doing everything under the sun to "prove my love" I had brought her home flowers 2 days before she dumped me. I just don't get it... .

[peiper]

You're right. Even when I caught her talking to another guy the first time, it was my fault because I didn't give her enough attention. I wasn't good enough to her, etc etc. Even though I was doing everything under the sun to "prove my love" I had brought her home flowers 2 days before she dumped me. I just don't get it... .

It's always going to be you fault with her. It gives her a pass to react to her emotions and do what she wants to. The next guy will go through the same thing.

[Xidion]

You're right. Even when I caught her talking to another guy the first time, it was my fault because I didn't give her enough attention. I wasn't good enough to her, etc etc. Even though I was doing everything under the sun to "prove my love" I had brought her home flowers 2 days before she dumped me. I just don't get it... .

It's always going to be you fault with her. It gives her a pass to react to her emotions and do what she wants to. The next guy will go through the same thing.

I have a feeling I'll be getting texts from her in 6 months to a year. Hopefully by then I will have the courage to shun her.

[peiper]

You're right. Even when I caught her talking to another guy the first time, it was my fault because I didn't give her enough attention. I wasn't good enough to her, etc etc. Even though I was doing everything under the sun to "prove my love" I had brought her home flowers 2 days before she dumped me. I just don't get it... .

It's always going to be you fault with her. It gives her a pass to react to her emotions and do what she wants to. The next guy will go through the same thing.

I have a feeling I'll be getting texts from her in 6 months to a year. Hopefully by then I will have the courage to shun her.

You will be. It took about three months before I started getting bogus friend requests on Facebook then it escalated. And really it has nothing to do with courage. It has to do with unprograming and looking  at things logically. Give yourself time brother

[peiper]

You'll be amazed where you end up if you just give it time. I've really learned to look at actions rather than words.I don't look at someone's intentions, just their actions. Which I didn't last time. It did take a few months. You'll make it. Be easy on yourself.

[bruised]

Hi Xidion,

It WILL get better, as the others have said. Here are a few things that helped me get through the worst:

1. Remember that detachment is a process, not an event. You will have setbacks. Waves on the beach, as Peiper says.

2. Journalling is a great idea, as parisian said. It's very cathartic and it's great to be able to go back and see how much you've improved.

3. While you're journalling, write yourself a "Sh1t List". Just a dot point list of the nasty things she has said or done to you. When you feel the need to reach out to her, read this list. It drags you back to reality.

4. Reading these boards is a big help.

5. Spend time with friends.

6. I don't do any social media. If you do, consider removing yourself from it- at least for a while.

All the best.

[Xidion]

During the relationship, I was soo blind to many things. I was wrapped up in trying to make her happy because I loved her... meanwhile I ignored all of her actions that should had made it clear what was going on. I forgave her on 2 occasions for emotionally cheating on me. Whether or not she physically cheated, I have no idea... but there is that possibility. When she was telling me it was over, she said "I still haven't forgiven for this and that". She also said "Look at all I've done to you", which was weird... .didn't expect that. The thing that threw me off the most is when she kissed me and told me she loved me right after telling me she "couldn't do this anymore"

[peiper]

During the relationship, I was soo blind to many things. I was wrapped up in trying to make her happy because I loved her... meanwhile I ignored all of her actions that should had made it clear what was going on. I forgave her on 2 occasions for emotionally cheating on me. Whether or not she physically cheated, I have no idea... but there is that possibility. When she was telling me it was over, she said "I still haven't forgiven for this and that". She also said "Look at all I've done to you", which was weird... .didn't expect that. The thing that threw me off the most is when she kissed me and told me she loved me right after telling me she "couldn't do this anymore"

Dude don't try to figure out crazy. It will only drive YOU crazy. Your a good guy maybe it's time to put this one to bed,

[Xidion]

During the relationship, I was soo blind to many things. I was wrapped up in trying to make her happy because I loved her... meanwhile I ignored all of her actions that should had made it clear what was going on. I forgave her on 2 occasions for emotionally cheating on me. Whether or not she physically cheated, I have no idea... but there is that possibility. When she was telling me it was over, she said "I still haven't forgiven for this and that". She also said "Look at all I've done to you", which was weird... .didn't expect that. The thing that threw me off the most is when she kissed me and told me she loved me right after telling me she "couldn't do this anymore"

Dude don't try to figure out crazy. It will only drive YOU crazy. Your a good guy maybe it's time to put this one to bed,

I know. I am driving myself crazy with it. It's almost an obsession at this point. I think I have some problems with myself I need to fix. (White Knight). I still feel the need to help her so that she doesn't live a miserable life. But I guess it's out of my hands now.

[peiper]

During the relationship, I was soo blind to many things. I was wrapped up in trying to make her happy because I loved her... meanwhile I ignored all of her actions that should had made it clear what was going on. I forgave her on 2 occasions for emotionally cheating on me. Whether or not she physically cheated, I have no idea... but there is that possibility. When she was telling me it was over, she said "I still haven't forgiven for this and that". She also said "Look at all I've done to you", which was weird... .didn't expect that. The thing that threw me off the most is when she kissed me and told me she loved me right after telling me she "couldn't do this anymore"

Dude don't try to figure out crazy. It will only drive YOU crazy. Your a good guy maybe it's time to put this one to bed,

I know. I am driving myself crazy with it. It's almost an obsession at this point. I think I have some problems with myself I need to fix. (White Knight). I still feel the need to help her so that she doesn't live a miserable life. But I guess it's out of my hands now.

There is something in your hands, you and your future.  There's lots of women out there and most of them don't have personality disorders

[Awesome Jim]

Journaling is a great suggested from bruised. I did a lot of that very early on. I don't really anymore but I think that's because I have accepted the fact that a romantic relationship is dangerous, impossible, and out of the question with my ex gf. But I remain friends with her I think because I feel sorry for her because she can't see that she is the direct cause of her own misery. I re-read stuff she has done and said to me when she's mad at me like right now and it really opens my eyes to how extreme she can be, how completely messed up she is beneath mask of competence, and reminds me we can never be romantically involved again - ever.