Abuse

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

While posting here at bpdfamily I have only touched on some of the physical abuse that occured during our "marriage". Not sure if this will help me cleanse or heal by sharing more now with others on the Leaving Board, but here goes with that goal in mind... .Another objective I have is to warn and advise others here on the Leaving Board that are struggling to detach from an ex after suffering physical or emotional abuse to stay away and find someone healthy instead to have a relationship with. Being alone is far better than that way of life. I feel there is someone out there for all of us though.

Below is an estimate of the physical injuries that occured during the various times in our marriage. The primary form of attack was being sucker punched/attacked when not looking, while asleep, during sicknesses, while hurt related to her or while hurt unrelated to her.

Estimated Totals:

1,400 Bruises = 7 per week over 4 years.

1,000 Cuts/Gash/Scratches = 5 per week over 4 years.

400 Sprain/Whip Lash/Deep Tissue Damages = 2 a week over 4 years.

* Estimate does not include several other injuries that I wish to not discuss at this point.

If anyone hits you ever. Even ONE time. LEAVE them... .they will NOT change and you can be injured or even killed. Tossed away as garbage eventually. Taking wedding vows doesn't mean you are signing a contract to be abused. I woke up. I divorced her.

[AwakenedOne]

While posting here at bpdfamily I have only touched on some of the physical abuse that occured during our "marriage". Not sure if this will help me cleanse or heal by sharing more now with others on the Leaving Board, but here goes with that goal in mind... .Another objective I have is to warn and advise others here on the Leaving Board that are struggling to detach from an ex after suffering physical or emotional abuse to stay away and find someone healthy instead to have a relationship with. Being alone is far better than that way of life. I feel there is someone out there for all of us though.

Below is an estimate of the physical injuries that occured during the various times in our marriage. The primary form of attack was being sucker punched/attacked when not looking, while asleep, during sicknesses, while hurt related to her or while hurt unrelated to her.

Estimated Totals:

1,400 Bruises = 7 per week over 4 years.

1,000 Cuts/Gash/Scratches = 5 per week over 4 years.

400 Sprain/Whip Lash/Deep Tissue Damages = 2 a week over 4 years.

* Estimate does not include several other injuries that I wish to not discuss at this point.

If anyone hits you ever. Even ONE time. LEAVE them... .they will NOT change and you can be injured or even killed. Tossed away as garbage eventually. Taking wedding vows doesn't mean you are signing a contract to be abused. I woke up. I divorced her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry man, that sounds horrendous.  My ex hit me in the face once, and it took everything I had to not beat the sht out of her.  Are you getting help to process all of that, specifically why you tolerated it?

[Mutt]

I agree with fromheeltoheal. That's horrendous AwakenedOne. Sound advice.

[AwakenedOne]

Sorry man, that sounds horrendous.  My ex hit me in the face once, and it took everything I had to not beat the sht out of her.  Are you getting help to process all of that, specifically why you tolerated it?

I have never got help or discussed her or it with anyone besides at this site. I have done a lot of processing on it all though bro. Internal and also with God. I am and will be ok. I feel God helped me out of this and to heal and onward onto a new healthy life. I got my dream job now that I have wanted all my life. It is so great. Thanks for the words.

[downwhim]

I am sure you are working on why you stayed but the fact you got out is great!

Most of us have been badly emotionally abused but I for one was always afraid that it would escalate to physical. My ex BPD was a former Marine, tall, well built and very intimidating. One night he demanded my ring back and when I told him no I just knew he was going to come over and beat the ... .out of me. I warned my neighbors on both sides if they saw his car to call 911. I was shaking, locked all the doors and windows, shut blinds and kept the phone by my bed. When he would rage at me I would always leave because my whole body would shut down. My stomach was in knots. Physically I was a wreck.

Thank God (as lonely as it may be) I am free of that abuse... .

[AwakenedOne]

I am sure you are working on why you stayed but the fact you got out is great!

Most of us have been badly emotionally abused but I for one was always afraid that it would escalate to physical. My ex BPD was a former Marine, tall, well built and very intimidating. One night he demanded my ring back and when I told him no I just knew he was going to come over and beat the ... .out of me. I warned my neighbors on both sides if they saw his car to call 911. I was shaking, locked all the doors and windows, shut blinds and kept the phone by my bed. When he would rage at me I would always leave because my whole body would shut down. My stomach was in knots. Physically I was a wreck.

Thank God (as lonely as it may be) I am free of that abuse... .

Thanks for the response Downwhim. I am glad you are away from the abuse as well. Yeah lonely is way better than being with them. It's only temporary anyway.

As far as working through it I've been out of it for a year now. I was separated with NC from her for the whole year and just recently divorced. I'm lucky she didn't kill me really. I had to hide stuff in the house so I wouldn't be murdered. Like knives, scissors, barbells etc... .What a life and marriage that turned out to be. I have done a ton of work and found inner peace and more. I have a really positive attitude and take no cr*p now. After experiencing miserable negativity vibes daily in the marriage that is all replaced with positivity. I pursued my dream career for the last year with a ton of effort and finally got the job which is so great. I think that's my purpose. Nice to be around good people. No more abuse ever. I read a few months ago on a US government site that a fairly large amount of people in prison who have been convicted of violent crimes are BPD. I have only read a few stories here of members with similar violence that I experienced. Glad most don't go through this. I just use it all (the past) to make me stronger. I'm in a good mood today . I was fearful of her for a while but after seeing her in divorce court that is all gone. She now holds absolutely no power over me in any way at all.

[downwhim]

Glad you are out of the marriage and finally free to be your own person. My ex BPD never, ever thought he was abusive. My last email to him was find someone else to abuse... .I shouldn't have said that because no one should be abused! ever. He responded with haha, like he abused me. He said I have a short memory for all he did for me! It is only a matter of time before the replacement finds out what he is really like.

He just got on Zoloft when we broke up so maybe that is the SSRI he needs to calm him down. Anyone else experience their ex BPD on this? Does it help to diminish or stop all the rages.

[going places]

The abuse I endured was invisible... .insidious.

Because I will not speak to him on the phone or meet with him in person; and the only way I will communicate is via email... .his abusive ways, are clear to see.

I would have rather been beaten in the face. At least then people would KNOW he is a monster, and he could have been punished / court ordered to seek counseling.

My ex will NOT see a counselor / psych.

In his opinion, there is nothing wrong with him, he is perfectly fine.

It's the rest of the world that is stupid and out of order.

[downwhim]

I blocked him on email. He would get so abusive on there. Your right the scars are invisible but I feel them everyday. NC!  The way he beat me down verbally, the name calling, the diminishing way he treated me is daunting. I was so embarrassed that I told no one. I did not want to be alone so I guess taking his crap day after day, silent treatment, demanding ways, rages, black then white and back and forth. So exhausting and unnecessary. A time waster. I could have been with a NORMAL person for 8 years and moved forward in life instead of circling with each mood swing he had.  Trying to please him was impossible. I could never do enough or be good enough in his eyes. He hated it when men would look at me too. God, look out. He would rage at me like it was my fault. I bet your in love with him he would say... .so bizarre.

[Pingo]

If anyone hits you ever. Even ONE time. LEAVE them... .they will NOT change and you can be injured or even killed. Tossed away as garbage eventually. Taking wedding vows doesn't mean you are signing a contract to be abused. I woke up. I divorced her.

AwakenedOne, I'm so sorry for what you went through and I'm so glad you were able to get free of the abuse.  You are right in your advise, don't ever give them a second chance, they will not change, the abuse will happen again.  I would point out that often before there is an actual 'hit' there are other kinds of physical abuse such as blocking one's exit from a room or throwing things/breaking things, getting in one's face.  These are often the first sign that things will escalate to the point of actually being hit.  This is what I experienced and it did escalate and I ended it.  I'm glad to hear that she has no power over you now, this is what I'm working on.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi AwakenedOne

I'm gonna add my 2 cents if you don't mind, since your topic sums up my entire relationship in one word.

Met my now exBP early 2010, we were in our early 40s and friends at first.

I was employed as a Cleaning Supervisor, renting a home and had my 2 older children boarding with me in that rental.

BP at that stage had been unemployed almost 2 years, and said he was homeless and sleeping in his car, (the story told to me at that time sounded plausible, however I was cautious).

I offered BP a temporary free place to stay whilst he found work, (led to believe he would soon be in employment).

We became more than friends some time later, and once he 'had me', his behaviour rapidly began to change.

I was subjected to extreme verbal abuse, stalking, harassment, property damage, physical violence, death threats, sleep deprivation, attempts on my life, attempts on other peoples lives, financial abuse, sexual abuse, extreme accusations, harassment at my workplace, and public humiliations, which he also carried out at my workplace as well.

It was like living with the Spanish Inquisition on a daily basis![/b

During times of conflict he had initiated, he would eventually drive off (yay!) and disappear to either his parents, or a nearby city and sleep in his car at the beach, (this was what I was told later but who really knows where he went?) His pattern of conflict was exactly the same when he was staying with his parents too.

This horrible pattern went on for 2 years, until he had provoked physical conflict with my family, (my young adult children and their partners) once too often, and I was torn between my family and him.

He was always telling me to choose, and also trying to turn me against my own children too!

I wasn't allowed any friends, and those I had when I met him, he let me know immediately that 'he didn't approve', (in the most derogatory ways).

I was often given the impression that both me and the people I 'associated with' weren't good enough for the likes of him!

The friends I was hanging out with most when I met him were male, (ex work associates and long time friends), so one can imagine how he was about that!

He manipulated me with male guilt, and since I had been subjected to similar abuse from previous partners, about my 'status as a woman', I easily brought into his manipulations and guilt tactics.

After 2 years, and his last epic physical confrontations with my daughter and her partner at my home, I decided BP had to move out, he drove off in a huff, straight back to his parents, and vowed to never see me again.

Almost 2 weeks later, he was calling me up for a recycle, winning me over by commenting about his need for help, and promising to seek it at some point in the future, (I always brought that lie).

He wanted to do the long distance thing, so I foolishly agreed, and began traveling up to stay with him overnight several nights per week.

These were pretty inconvenient for me, since I had to get up so early for work the following morning, (4am!). And more often than not, BP would keep me awake with his 'acting out' so I would be exhausted, and trying to avoid serious conflict at the same time.

There were some pretty epic fails on my behalf. But when I did the right thing, and just decided to leave before it got worse, BP would become even more dangerous and abusive, this wasn't great in the middle of the night, especially when he would attempt to damage my car as well.

To begin with, in the long distance phase, BP was pretty well behaved, and about 20% of the time at that stage, my visits with him and his parents would be pleasant, I would occasionally be invited for dinner and sit down with them all.

As time wore on, the ever present dysfunction in his parents home increased in frequency, and he began to rage and accuse his parents of plotting against him, and being mean and selfish etc. All this, whilst he lived there for free!

His Mother had offered him a room inside the house, (cooler) but BP refused, and slept outside in a little shed-room next to the car-port.

This little room had no windows, and was pretty rough, and very hot in summer.

I heard a never ending diatribe on how tough he was doing it, and how his parents were mean for making that so for him, (yet they had offered him a room inside for goodness sake!).

His Mother did all the cooking, (most nights of the week) and occasionally did his washing for him too! Yeezus!

She also paid any outstanding bills/fines that arrived in the mail for her prodigal son, (and he took full advantage of this).

BP was often raging that his parents were 'starving him', yet if they offered him food, he would refuse it.

So as he stayed there, he got thinner and thinner, but my suspicion is that this wasn't necessarily because he wasn't eating. My suspicion was that he was abusing speed, or meth, and had been for a long time.

One of my suspicions is because he was always raving on about who he thought was on it, and making constant accusations about my daughter and anyone else, telling me his brother and wife were on it, and others too. God knows how often I heard these same repetitive stories, but it did send off a constant alarm, his obsession about who was 'using'.

If you look at the history, it almost stares you in the face.

At one point, BP was doing well in his career, (younger years), even staying more than 2 years in one job!

He also had properties he had sold, the last one in his late 30's, yet where did all the money go? He had nothing to show for it, apart from a few trips over to the East Coast, or driving around the country in his car, (none of which would burn through that much money!)

Around the late 90's he was in his last serious relationship before he met me, and she left him at the altar, allegedly trying to take off with all the wedding money he had saved.

The truth was, that he had become abusive to her, (1.5 years into the relationship) and she had to give him an ultimatum or call off the wedding for good. As for the money? Looking at his financial abuse of me? I doubt he owned all that wedding money, and I doubt he was telling the truth about her trying to steal it all.

He was living with her, in her apartment, and she was being partially supported by her parents, (millionaires), so I doubt he was fully supporting her financially at all.

Knowing his pattern with me, I can totally vouch for that.

As for now?

I have no idea where he is, and have been broken up since March this year, (with several attempted recycles from him via phone since, the last being in August).  Occasionally I run into his Sister In-law at my workplace, (a shopping centre) and this is difficult, she always fills me up on what BP is doing or not doing, also an associate of BP's brother works in one of the shops I go into every day. So there are constant reminders, but leaving my workplace isn't an option for me, so I stay.

Well, that's part of my story, sorry it was a bit long winded. I don't know what else to say, other than I am still affected, and still broken hearted despite knowing I am much better off away from him for good.

[Deeno02]

I cant imagine rasing a hand toward someone I love. Then again, I cant imagine the verbal, mental and emotional abuse toward someone I love either. Its just a bad illness, disease, disorder, whatever you want to call it. Never thought that at age 51, I would be calling myself a survivor of abuse. Get strong! We can beat this!

[going places]

I can't believe ALL THESE YEARS I 'covered' for my exh.

I never let anyone see the REAL him.

I can't believe it took 24 YEARS to see, what I was living with, was not 'a personality' or 'just the way he is'... .it was full blown abuse. I always thought abuse was black eyes and broken bones... .

I can't believe the toll it took on my mind.

I have been physically abused, and yeah, it sucked... .but I will tell you this; EVERYONE knew he was a POS because they saw the bruises. There's no hiding that.

Being mentally and emotionally tortured?

Well, exh is the Jedi Master of manipulation, and he walks around looking like the innocent victim; and makes me look like the 'unstable, hormonal, disturbed, etc' person.

Yeah, I would take a black eye over that crap any day.

[downwhim]

I realize now I was living in fear. Fear of the rage and when it was going to show up again. Pit in my stomach, walking on eggshells, listening to the terrible person I was for too long... the silent treatment, the disappearing acts.

Called a counselor and she said "what are you getting out of this relationship?"  You are being verbally and mentally abused. She shocked me into reality.

I too though abuse was physical. Now I wonder how long it takes to heal from the rants. No scars show but my heart is bruised.