Am I An Idiot?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My wife and I were in a happy relationship and married last year - Dec 4th at a destination with all our friends and family, it was fantastic.  She has always struggled with a diagnosis of "major anxiety disorder" and "major depressive disorder".  Due to self harm, over the course of our relationship she has been hospitalized 5 times and lately things had been really good.  My benefits at work are fantastic so we got her in to see a psychiatrist and psychologist, she sees her psychologist often and I often go to the appointments out of support and to engage in the process.  The psychiatrist mentioned awhile ago that she shows significant signs of BPD as well.

She had been hanging out with her friends who I know don't like me much more and more.  One day, we were going to a spa together on a special date day and instead she stayed at her friends place.  I was cool with it provided she came home so we could still go on a nice date.  She finally came home and told me she was leaving me.  She said it was obvious to her that our relationship had failed, she refused to get couples counselling, she said that I have always treated her poorly (even though I truly have been a supportive husband - her psychologist even told me so on many occasions).

She won't speak with me apart from 2 word text messages, and has moved in with her friends.  She is broke because she has changed jobs many times as well.  I want to love her and I feel like in the movie "the notebook" the husband helps his wife even though she doesn't remember him and I feel that since this is a mental illness, I would be a very poor husband to leave her (and it would go against me personal beliefs).  Am I an idiot for trying to make this work, or should I just give up?  I'm at my breaking point here people, I'm looking for any guidance or thoughts - no matter how harsh - I won't be offended.  I'm a very sad man, I really felt like our marriage was excellent until this happened.

[BankerOfDoom]

My wife and I were in a happy relationship and married last year - Dec 4th at a destination with all our friends and family, it was fantastic.  She has always struggled with a diagnosis of "major anxiety disorder" and "major depressive disorder".  Due to self harm, over the course of our relationship she has been hospitalized 5 times and lately things had been really good.  My benefits at work are fantastic so we got her in to see a psychiatrist and psychologist, she sees her psychologist often and I often go to the appointments out of support and to engage in the process.  The psychiatrist mentioned awhile ago that she shows significant signs of BPD as well.

She had been hanging out with her friends who I know don't like me much more and more.  One day, we were going to a spa together on a special date day and instead she stayed at her friends place.  I was cool with it provided she came home so we could still go on a nice date.  She finally came home and told me she was leaving me.  She said it was obvious to her that our relationship had failed, she refused to get couples counselling, she said that I have always treated her poorly (even though I truly have been a supportive husband - her psychologist even told me so on many occasions).

She won't speak with me apart from 2 word text messages, and has moved in with her friends.  She is broke because she has changed jobs many times as well.  I want to love her and I feel like in the movie "the notebook" the husband helps his wife even though she doesn't remember him and I feel that since this is a mental illness, I would be a very poor husband to leave her (and it would go against me personal beliefs).  Am I an idiot for trying to make this work, or should I just give up?  I'm at my breaking point here people, I'm looking for any guidance or thoughts - no matter how harsh - I won't be offended.  I'm a very sad man, I really felt like our marriage was excellent until this happened.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I truly believe the most important thing you can do right now is take care of you. See the psychologist, eat well, get your rest and all that stuff that seems so mundane and stupid at the moment.

As for your wife... .who knows. Give it some time and space. Talk to the psychologist who knows you both. They may have a better sense of what your chances are. I DO NOT think you are an idiot for feeling that way. However how we feel may have little to do with the outcome of our situations.

And yes I long for a notebook ending too. Its corny but somehow I still believe.

[Infern0]

Not an idiot at all.

I'm sorry you are going through this,  I take it you don't have much of an idea what happened to trigger this? It must be awfully confusing.

I also take it she's not talking at the moment?

My advice is offer to talk when she's ready and mean times take care of yourself.

More experience members will have better advice

[BankerOfDoom]

Wow, two responses so quickly - thanks

Her two friends that I know really dislike me (they are fairly immature and know that although I don't have issues with their lifestyle of smoking pot and drinking booze all day and night every day I don't feel it is the best thing for anyone to live lie that and so they dislike me).  I don't know what my wife's draw to them is - the two friends are lesbiens so its possible my wife is having an affair with them, although she has indicated that is not the case and I do believe her.

I just feel so powerless.  When I married, it was for the long term.  Sicker and poorer, etc.  She was so quick to leave me - she actually told me she was leaving over a text message - and then the next week we met for supper and held hands during supper, it was super nice.  She explained that she was experiencing some sort of "midlife crisis" even though she was mid-20s.  I didn't like the idea of her moving out but said if it was needed then she should do so.  We had a great date night.  Even were going to come back to our place and have sex but we ran out of time .  Then the next day she says that its obvious I haven't done enough to "fix" the problems I have (I'm not perfect but she can't really tell me what I need to fix about myself) and thus is still leaving me.

I think my heart break is so bad because of the confusion around everything, lack of communication and how it came out of no where.  Also she isn't okay with couples counselling so that makes it even harder.  Since this all happened her mom has gotten mad at her and stopped talking to her, her father has expressed major disappointment just because she is making some really stupid financial and life decisions right now.

[Targeted]

Yes

[oletimefeelin]

First off, you aren't an idiot.  It all sounds very familiar.  The out of nowhere break up, here failure to take any responsibility, etc.

My recommendation to you is to get the hell out of there.  :)o not pursue her at all right now.  If you go towards her, she will withdraw.  Attempt to live your life.  Go to therapy.  Read here and elsewhere on what you're up against.  If she comes back, you can evaluate things more objectively at that time.

[myself]

It's not being an idiot to care about your wife, wanting your marriage to work. Let her know you're there for her, backing it up when and if the time comes. Being realistic while you do, looking after yourself no matter what. It's her choice to dig a deeper hole or climb out of it. Disordered or not.

[fromheeltoheal]

First off, asking questions like 'am I an idiot' will not yield empowering answers; try maybe 'what's the right thing to do?' or 'how can I do what's best for both of us?'

Anyway, that aside, I'm sorry you're in that situation; it sounds like you really liked being married to her until the 'surprise' showed up, and it must be very painful right now.

I want to love her and I feel like in the movie "the notebook" the husband helps his wife even though she doesn't remember him and I feel that since this is a mental illness, I would be a very poor husband to leave her (and it would go against me personal beliefs).

In that movie the couple were very much in love, after the initial standard drama before they got married, and they had built a life together that spanned many decades.  He was a devoted husband and she didn't do anything malicious, she just got a disease that caused her to leave him against her will.  You could say there are similarities for you, although were there any traits of BPD that put you in pain prior to that?  I'm not questioning your commitment to your wife, although we need to take care of ourselves first, or we have nothing to give.  Apart from your sense of obligation, what else is motivating you?

[TheDude]

I would be a very poor husband to leave her (and it would go against me personal beliefs).

I imagine most everyone here had the 'personal belief' that they wanted to keep their commitment. Unfortunately, these situations require sacrifice of boundaries and stability and well-being. Eventually you'll have to decide when enough is enough. It's not about idiocy, it's about your own level of tolerance and self respect (and mental health). Let me ask you this - why is it you feel that you'd be leaving her when she's already left you? Fear. Obligation. Guilt. You're in the fog.

Others have already suggested taking care of yourself as far as emotional well-being, but I'll add another suggestion - talk to an attorney about what you may be faced with should divorce come into play. Know your options, and don't let the fog cloud your judgement to the point of finding yourself financially, as well as emotionally wiped out. Don't feel guilty for at least covering your bases... .

[nodiggity]

You are in a tough predicament.

If you go back you are giving the message you deserve to be treated with contempt.

If you don't your heart breaks. 

My advice is run as fast you can.

Unlikely though, I have been there and tried to fix it with everything I had.