What a weekend

[Yaffle]

It all started when I said I wanted to go and do some Christmas shopping on Saturday.

‘What do you need to get as I’ve done it all for you?’

‘I’d like to buy mum and dad something myself, and I’ve got to get your presents’

‘Why don’t you buy them online?’

‘I might do but I need some ideas first’

I could see she wasn’t happy but decided to go anyway.  I actually do like getting out and doing a bit of shopping for Christmas even though I normally hate shopping.

After doing some shopping I decided to pop for a drink and ran into a couple of friends, one of whom I’ve hardly seen for about 3 months.  So I text her saying ‘Is it ok if I pop for a drink with such and such?’  No reply so I stayed for a bit anyway.  All in all I was gone for around three hours.  Not like  I was out till the early hours or anything and I still helped get the kids to bed and bought us something to eat too.

Any way, all was relatively quiet until I nodded off in front of the TV.  I was woken when she came into the room shouting at me.  I don’t know how she does it but she’d got copies of my text messages on her phone.  There wasn’t really anything bad on there but my one friend texting me about the reception I got when I got home from playing golf the other week and a sarcastic comment saying that I was selfish going to play golf when she had to stay at home and look after the kids having had them all week while I was at work too.   It was enough to set her off big style.

Eventually I’d had enough and just said I was going for a walk for a bit.   She followed me down the road leaving the door open I presume and the kids in bed.  Not far away but that’s not the point. 

Anyway, when she went home and phoned me immediately saying that she’d collapsed and needed my help.  Now, she’s been suffering from dizziness for a while now, much of it genuine but it does seem worse under stress or she doesn’t want me to do something etc. It probably sounds awful but I just said ‘When you promise never to go through my phone again I’ll come and help.’  To start with she just pleaded with me to come home, then progressed onto just saying ‘I promise’ but refused to say ‘I promise not to go through your phone again.’  It took between 5 and 10 minutes before she actually said it.  Don’t know if she’ll honour it or not though.

When I got back, I’m pretty sure I heard a thump as she threw herself to the floor.  She was just lying motionless on the floor.  I helped her up and she seemed right as rain immediately!

Sunday morning she was just giving me the silent treatment but stayed in bed until I had to take the eldest out to a prior commitment.  Later on she was better and we had a nice evening but when our one son woke us in the night and she couldn’t get back to sleep it was because of all the things I’d been saying to my friends and that I was disgusting.  This morning she kept listing all the stuff she had to do today to the kids but within my earshot as she presumes I’ve told everyone she’s lazy.  I’ve never done that. 

Let’s see what tonight brings

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Sigh.

I'd be kinda disturbed about the text messages... .and try to research it to figure out how she might have done it and how to make sure she doesn't.

I've been updating my phone, and have found that with my iPhone, text messages (or at least iMessages) get synced through my Apple ID/iCloud and can make it onto my computer. Don't know anything about Google/Droid stuff.

As for the rest of it... .it sounds like you're aware of what she's doing, and are handling it about as well as can be managed.

The bit about "falling" sounds bad. If she pulls it again, tell her that you'll dial 9-1-1 and get the ER right there, just behind you. And follow through. If she's really hurt, they will take care of it. If she's playing games... .let her face the consequences of it. Hopefully she will back down before you have to call for them.

Being in the position where you have to guess if she's crying "wolf" or not is really icky.

[Yaffle]

Thanks for the reply.  I never thought of calling an ambulance but its something I'll bare in mind if it happens again.  I did call the police once when she stormed out threatening to jump off a bridge.  There's been hell to play a few times since after we had a letter from social services about the incident and also every time I say i'm going for  a walk to get away she threatens to phone the police even though I've never mentioned suicide or hurting myself.

I've done some research on the phone situation and there is sfotware you can buy that allows you to monitor peoples phones.  Its actually illegal here in the UK to use it without the phone owners permission.   She's denied that she's put anything on my phone but I'm not convinced.  In the past she's had messages on her phone that I deleted as soon as I sent them.  It's a horrible situation, feel like I've no privacy.  I'm even worried about coming on here after I looked on here on my phone.  I'm usually only on here at work where I know she can't trace what I'm up to   

[Grey Kitty]

I did call the police once when she stormed out threatening to jump off a bridge.  There's been hell to play a few times since after we had a letter from social services about the incident

You did the right thing there.

That she didn't like it is no surprise.

If it happens again, do the same.

also every time I say i'm going for  a walk to get away she threatens to phone the police even though I've never mentioned suicide or hurting myself.

That's somewhere between projection (Not wanting to face her own suicidal thoughts, and convincing herself that you have them instead, and then taking her own internal issue out on you as a way to cope with it) ... .and just being vindictively controlling.

It sounds like she REALLY doesn't like it when you go away from her.

I'd recommend that you tell her that you don't see any reason to involve the police, but she can make up her own mind, and call them if she thinks they are needed.

If she does call them, they will show up, find that you are out for a walk, feeling fine, not suicidal, and that she will again show the authorities how disordered she is. That's for her to find out!

Two more things I'd like to add. If she has any history of accusing you or other guys of being abusive, you may be at risk of a false accusation of domestic violence. That can be serious for you!

The second is a tip to ease her mind a little bit when you go away. pwBPD typically have a huge fear of abandonment. Going away triggers her. One thing you can do ease this is to be very clear about when you will return. Something like "I'm going for a walk, I'll be back in twenty minutes." or "I'm going to the store, I'll be back in two hours." You can do this either to get away from her attacking you verbally, or just because you want the walk.

*IF* you do this, be sure to do two things: First, be very specific about the time period. Words like "soon" are horrible, because you probably won't agree what "soon" means. Second, make SURE you are back ON TIME. It is even OK to leave again if you left to get away from verbal abuse and it resumes immediately! If you do this, you are teaching her that she can trust you this way, and it will ease the fear of abandonment on her part.

[Laurel76]

Hi,

I'm new here and haven't posted an intro yet.

I had the issue of my messages appearing on my husband's iphone about a year or so ago. It was somehow related to us having a shared Apple ID and using iMessage for text messaging. We both switched off using iMessage on our phones and that solved the problem. Not sure whether that is your issue. Hope it helps.

Cheers

Laurel76

[Yaffle]

Thanks for the advice.  Thankfully she's never offcially accused me of any abuse though she has mentioned it to my face a few times.  The 'worst' I've done is grab her arms to stop her pushing past me after she's thrown a plate at the wall and I didn't trust her to clear it up safely. 

If I just take a break while she rages then saying what time I'll be back isn't an issue.  I may have to change what I say when I'm out on leiure time though as I never put any pressure on her to be back at a specific time when she's out as I want her to relax and enjoy herself without having to clock watch.  I'd like to be able to do the same but guess that isn't going to happen.  I suppose I could say a later time than I intend just to make sure I am back in time but that won't go down too well either.   

[Grey Kitty]

The 'worst' I've done is grab her arms to stop her pushing past me after she's thrown a plate at the wall and I didn't trust her to clear it up safely. 

I'm glad that is the worst you have done. Your actions and intentions there sound very reasonable to me.

WARNING: Restraining someone physically does meet the legal definition of domestic violence in most jurisdictions. Please be careful, and try to avoid situations where you need to do that.

As for how long you go away / she goes away, and how it is handled... .

Whatever you do, don't expect parity or fairness on this issue. You don't have a deep core fear of abandonment like she does. If she goes off for a while, you don't get triggered. So let her go away as long as she wants to. (This helps her too, as she probably also has a fear of engulfment, and wouldn't take well to you wanting to know where she is at every minute!)

Be aware that she does have this fear, and is easily triggered. You can do things which will ease this a little, but ultimately, she has to find her own way of dealing with those fears.

You don't HAVE to always pander to this fear. Certainly don't pander to it at the cost of giving up your own freedom.

My suggestion is to be aware of it... .and look for simple things you can do which won't cost you much and reduce the drama in your relationship.