mumbly, crumbly, grumbly crap

[Crumbling]

I'm being ' unished' for being nice to him again.

Last weekend, I spoiled him.  He was being so nice and so kind for the few weeks before and, I wanted to give back.  So I did.  In the moment, he was grateful.

Since then, I've gotten nothing but the cold shoulder, rejected sexually, one word answers to questions.  He avoids me like the plague.  He's constantly tired, feeling sick, sorry for himself in some way.

The first few days, all I felt was shame and guilt and dirty - taken advantage of.  I gave to him and he rejects me.  Its been like this for a long time, and these feelings have become familiar for me.

Once I got over these, I started to have hope, and I approached him again, with understanding and acceptance, and open arms.  But he rejected me, he was too tired, too spent.  That was a few days ago, and now my anger and hurt has left me hating him.

I feel like he takes advantage of me when he gets the chance, and then is repulsed my me because I am able to be 'manipulated'.  Am I thinking too much?  Is this just self-destructive learned behaviour?

No wonder so many in BPD relationships have affairs.  We've been lucky so far that this hasn't happened.  But, honestly, as time moves on and this pattern continues, the more it feels inevitable. 

Lord help us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Since then, I've gotten nothing but the cold shoulder, rejected sexually, one word answers to questions.  He avoids me like the plague.  He's constantly tired, feeling sick, sorry for himself in some way.

... .I started to have hope, and I approached him again, with understanding and acceptance, and open arms.  But he rejected me, he was too tired, too spent.  That was a few days ago, and now my anger and hurt has left me hating him.

It's so difficult to live with someone who is actively being cold and aloof. My BPDh accuses me of being distant because I spend a lot of time working on house projects, fixing things, taking care of animals. But the silent treatment and one word answers is definitely different--it's an active distance, rather than just being involved in doing things.

When he does that behavior I feel hurt and resourceless. I don't know how to bridge the distance and just trying to do so, I feel like a pest. So I just get involved in doing something useful (and then he thinks I'm the "distant" one.)

He also is "constantly tired, feeling sick, sorry for himself in some way." He's retired and has very few responsibilities around here because I do everything, other than his laundry, the monthly trip to the dump, mowing the lawn and paying the bills. All his waking time is spent watching TV, going online, listening to music--all fun, all the time. Yet he's constantly tired, is always in pain somewhere, spends much of the day lying down.

We both got a flu shot and hours later when I touched his arm, he flinched and told me how painful the injection site was. (I couldn't feel a thing on my arm.) I used to think he was this big drama queen, but now I wonder if he doesn't just feel pain more acutely than me.

[Lunira]

I could be wrong, but when my BPD mother did this, it often seemed tied to her feeling vulnerable in some way.  Like if you're extra nice, it only makes the BPD dread abandonment even more than they usually do (vulnerable), because a nice person is more of a loss than a mean or uncaring one?

I don't know... .it's hard for me to put this into words.

[formflier]

There could be many reasons for this... .it puts you in a tough spot.

You still need to be "nice"... .just don't be in your face.  If there is rejection of nice efforts... don't react... .just move along.

[waverider]

Do you find you are reacting and following his mood only to find you are out of sync and one step behind. That is, you still going up when he has started to come down, and viz versa?

[Crumbling]

Yep, Waverider.  That is exactly what happens.  It happens that way almost always.  It feels like there is only room for one of us to be happy at a time. 

I try not to blame him, but it's hard to have my own emotional needs left unmet because he doesn't have the capacity to accept acts of love.  He acts like he wants to be babied and coddled, and yet when he gets it, he gets upset.  And maybe it is an internal struggle he is dealing with, but it still comes out as rejection and resentment towards me.  It's easy to throw back the resentment at him.  Of that, I know I am guilty - at least this time.

I feel like I am no longer able to be the 'strong' one, the one that keeps the emotions on track.  I'm tired of him having all sorts of excuses, and me not having any support or comfort.  In the past, when I distance myself, I gain confidence and strength to the point where I can reach out to connect with him again, only to be pushed away and resented for doing so, again.  I'm tired of the cycles.  Tired of beating a dead horse.  Tired of loosing.

We have yet to come to an understanding over this event.  We did a lot of talking over the weekend.  I shared how I was feeling, what it was like for me.  He listened.  He wanted to 'fix it' and do something for me.  But I said no.  This is what happens, he thinks he can smooth things over by reacting when he his threatened by my unhappiness, but by then, I'm already wounded.   He only wants to fix things because he doesn't want to be abandoned.  Well, I don't want to be hurt anymore.  I don't want to be punished for loving him anymore.  And the only way I can see this happening, is to stop loving him.

He 'can't' stop his behaviours, he has his BPD excuse.  He 'can't help it'.  Even tho I have emotional issues of my own (depression, lack of confidence, triggers from PTSD), they take a back seat to his, and what sort of person does that make me?  One that accepts hurt, heartache and disappointment in exchange for love.  It's so hard to take.  So hard to accept.   I don't like being that sort of person.  I tell myself I don't deserve this treatment, and yet I accept it. ?

Formflier - "Just move along" is good advice, and in reality, I guess that is all I can do, because it's the only way to survive.  Doesn't mean I like it.  Doesn't mean it helps really.  It just adds to the distance between us.  And I hate it.

Lunira, I never thought of the kindness triggering a stronger fear of abandonment, but that does make a lot of sense.  Thanks for the perspective.

And, Cat Familiar, you're comment also rings out as truth: that BPDs do feel things deeper than the rest of us.  Their pain really does runs deep, right to the core of who they are, I guess, which is why they 'can't' change.

Someday, my pain will be just as deep as his, though, if I keep subjecting myself to all this, will it not?  Unless I shelter myself, and make distance, and, well, stop loving him so much.

Being committed to a man that I am not 'allowed' to love sucks.  I don't wish it on my worst enemies.

Thanks for the support, advice and for listening.  Having a place to vent safely means a lot.

[4kidz]

I am going through a similar situation. And it sucks! UBPDw tells me she needs time. That I have neglected for  too long. ( if this was anywhere near true I would be man enough to admit it). Tells me I have only begun to feel the pain that she has endured for far too long. I have read and read about as much as I can about BPD, how to react, not react, validate etc... .I find myseld upset, even angry at her at times. That quickly turns into empathy towards her and her illness. So I am trying like heck to take the high road and continue to tell her how much i love her and miss her. I am doing alot of small yet nice things for her. It seems the more I say and show my love the further away she gets. Very dis- heartening!. I almost feel like the positive approach is tyrning into a negative experience. God is this crushing me... .

     Do I continue this or try distancing myself from her in a new effort to have my wife back?

[Cat Familiar]

I try not to blame him, but it's hard to have my own emotional needs left unmet because he doesn't have the capacity to accept acts of love... .I feel like I am no longer able to be the 'strong' one, the one that keeps the emotions on track.  I'm tired of him having all sorts of excuses, and me not having any support or comfort.  In the past, when I distance myself, I gain confidence and strength to the point where I can reach out to connect with him again, only to be pushed away and resented for doing so, again... .He only wants to fix things because he doesn't want to be abandoned.  Well, I don't want to be hurt anymore.  I don't want to be punished for loving him anymore.  And the only way I can see this happening, is to stop loving him.

He 'can't' stop his behaviours, he has his BPD excuse.  He 'can't help it'.  Even tho I have emotional issues of my own (depression, lack of confidence, triggers from PTSD), they take a back seat to his, and what sort of person does that make me?  One that accepts hurt, heartache and disappointment in exchange for love.  It's so hard to take.  So hard to accept.   I don't like being that sort of person.  I tell myself I don't deserve this treatment, and yet I accept it. ?

Yes, Crumbling, I think you need to accept that he's not going to meet your emotional needs (at least for now). You both have developed patterns of behavior that are repetitive and unfruitful. Do you have friends who can support you emotionally? I share war stories with a friend whose husband is an alcoholic. I don't know if he's BPD, but we have a lot in common. Just knowing that she understands helps me so much. And recently I started doing individual counseling with the therapist that last year saw us both for marriage counseling. Having support of friends, a therapist, and sharing my stories here has made a world of difference.

One thing that has really helped me is utilizing the lessons. I'm not very good at validating yet, but not JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) has made a huge difference. We get along so much better now. I'm kind of resentful in that I have to do all the work, but the reality is that I'm seeing improvement in his behavior toward me. I'm sad that this relationship is not what I'd hoped it would be, but my therapist yesterday said that she's seen lots of relationships improve to the point where people rediscovered the love they had for each other in the first place. So I do believe in miracles, but I'm just taking it day by day. I've got a lot to learn and I've learned a lot posting here and reading the lessons and learning from others' experience.

I have the same experience sometimes of trying to show my husband how much I love him, only to have him question my motivation and reject my love, then later complain that I'm distant. It really is maddening. And he has the similar feel of abandonment, yet sometimes he seems like he is doing everything in his power to create just what he fears.

I've had to distance myself emotionally somewhat out of a sense of self-protection and my most recent lesson is to accept the notion of myself as "selfish" for being willing to protect myself, draw the line with boundaries and look out for my own interests. (My BPD mother manipulated me with the selfish word and I've spent my whole life trying to prove I'm not.) Now when my husband accuses me of this sort of thing because I'm not meeting his needs in the way he thinks I should, I tend to agree with him. "Yes, I'm selfish. Yes, I'm a narcissist. So what?" (I don't say this out loud, but it's tremendously freeing to accept that I might be seen that way, yet I love myself anyway, despite all my flaws.

I don't know if this helps, but I do know that plenty of us have been in your shoes. We try our best to love our partners, only to have our best efforts rejected and turned against us.    Please keep telling us your story.

[Cat Familiar]

I am going through a similar situation. And it sucks! UBPDw tells me she needs time. That I have neglected for  too long. ( if this was anywhere near true I would be man enough to admit it). Tells me I have only begun to feel the pain that she has endured for far too long. I have read and read about as much as I can about BPD, how to react, not react, validate etc... .I find myseld upset, even angry at her at times. That quickly turns into empathy towards her and her illness. So I am trying like heck to take the high road and continue to tell her how much i love her and miss her. I am doing alot of small yet nice things for her. It seems the more I say and show my love the further away she gets. Very dis- heartening!. I almost feel like the positive approach is tyrning into a negative experience. God is this crushing me... .

     :)o I continue this or try distancing myself from her in a new effort to have my wife back?

4kidz, you sound like a very compassionate man who is doing his best to support a dysfunctional partner.

The suggestion I have for you comes from my experience with horse training. "Make the wrong thing hard and the right thing easy."  This is a common saying in the horse world. And how it translates to actual behavior is that horses can do dangerous things and if we reinforce that by letting them get away with it, they will continue to do those behaviors and maybe even escalate them. However when they do the right thing, we reward them by giving them the response they want.

So in your wife's case, perhaps you've been rewarding the bad behavior (telling her how much you love her when she's being unkind to you). So perhaps only reward her when she's being nice and remove yourself when she's being difficult and unkind.

[4kidz]

thank you cat. I often find myself asking- why does this have to happen to me? For whatever reason it is what it is and I am determined to do everything I can to make this work. God willing I dont run out of gas... .

[Crumbling]

"Run out of gas"... .that's it... .I feel like I've run out of gas!

I also tend to agree with his accusations that I'm selfish.  I tell him I need to be, because no one else puts me first, and it's the only way I can feel like an equal in the relationship. 

I don't have anyone I really confide in.  I have one friend who knows my hubby well, and she instinctively knows what I mean when I allow myself to vent, but I don't do it often.  I don't want her, or any of my friends to hate him.  And my twenty-something kids, of course, I just have to say "you know what he's like"  and they do.  It's likely hurting us, but I feel like I need to 'fake it until we make it'.  If word got out around the community that I'm unhappy in the relationship, things would change a lot.  People already know something is not perfect with us, but I don't want to invite any more negativity into our relationship.  Rumors fly fast in small towns.

Thanks for the encouragement, and the kind words.  I've buried myself in work this week, and today, I will soon start a fourteen hour day.  I'm tired and spent, but too busy to worry about any of this - for now.

blessings all, c.

[formflier]

 

I would suggest that the ideas about "faking it"... .are something to be evaluated to see if there is a better way.

There may be many times when even nons... "normal" people "fake it" to accommodate someone else's feelings or to help a r/s.  I believe that is actually healthy... .normal behavior.  For instance... I am angry about something... I go to another person to talk to them about it but realize that they just suffered a personal tragedy.  I have empathy and delay... .or forgive the "issue" without ever speaking to them.  Some would call that "faking"... .but I call that a normal healthy decision.

The thing is... .times like that are rare.  In r/s with pwBPD those times seem to be all to common where "it's not a good time".

The point of the tools and modifying our behavior... .and trying to "turn the temperature" down in the r/s is to give more opportunities where it would be a good time to discuss "our" (the nons) feelings openly, honestly and without "faking it".

Sometimes these discussions will contribute to them dysregulating... .(we have tools for that)... sometimes they will take it fine and we can hopefully use that to build momentum in a positive direction in the r/s.

Thoughts? 

[waverider]

Sometimes these discussions will contribute to them dysregulating... .(we have tools for that)... sometimes they will take it fine and we can hopefully use that to build momentum in a positive direction in the r/s.

Thoughts? 

As we progress with our interactions you can surprise yourself at times that what you thought would dysregulate them (as it always did) actually doesn't, assumptions can sometimes blind us to progress.

A lot of the reason to this is that previously it wasn't just their reaction to the potential trigger, but our own counter reaction to their reaction (which they were equally assuming was comming). It may only be subtle, but small changes can make a big difference to break the change.

Even if they do react we learn better ways of damage control. Using these methods we can have less trepidation about potentially starting trouble, which makes life a whole lot easier with less bottling up of emotions.

Consistency can teach you both new levels of reasonable assumptions. They may learn slower than you but it will rub off.

[Crumbling]

I am always honest with my husband.  Most of the time it does take me a long time to express my reaction to a situation.  For instance, it took me a whole week to confront him about this one event.  But I eventually make my position known in the relationship.  Sometimes I just need to sort out the emotions swarming inside me before I can express them.  And for me, a bit of a time out before a discussion allows me time to get strong enough to use my words and brain rather than letting the emotion control the discussion.

The 'faking' part comes into play with other people, outsiders.  I'm not good at admitting difficulty or needing help, and that's where I'd rather pretend that it's just a bump in the road with others than to get into all the details.

That being said, I broke down at work last night.  Too tired, too spent, too drained to take anything else, I lost it.  My co-workers understood, and gave me time to collect myself, but what an embarrassing scene.  I was more 'out of gas' than I realized, I guess.

Today needs to be for me.  Sleep, housework, a visit with a friend this afternoon.  Maybe a nice hot soak in the tub.  It's two weeks before Christmas, and you wouldn't know it in this house.  I've no gum-shun to do any of it. 

Christmas is a heavy time emotionally for us.  His mom died two weeks before Christmas, than his dad died a week after Christmas.  That was a long time ago, and years apart, but it remains a painful time just the same.  And of course that means a painful time for me too.  Our kids aren't coming home, and that just makes me want to forget it is even here. 

If I suggest we celebrate with my family, he gets completely disjointed.  Like he is angry that I have an extended family and he doesn't.  I thought that he would someday accept my family as his own, but he doesn't.  He avoids them like the plague, even though my mom loves him like her own son.  If I insist we go, he lashes out for days, then the day of finds any excuse possible not to go.  I've given up trying over the years.  It has left him alone during the special times, sometimes, but I am tired of staying home so I can bathe in his unhappiness with him.  He didn't even come to my grandmother's funeral with me.  A grandmother I lived with for several years as a kid and was close to.

I guess I'm still mumbling and grumbling about stuff.  :| 

[formflier]

  I've no gum-shun to do any of it. 

Then... don't do it... .

The part that goes with it is that you need to realize you have made a choice... .this should be powerful for you.  You are in control.

Can you tell us more about what happened at work?  A little "blow by blow" would be helpful

[Crumbling]

Here's how it went down... .

ding.  "Hi, this is "me", how may I help you?"

"Ggggrrrrr!... .you sc&#wed up!... .GGGGRRRRRRR!... .  YOU RUINED MY LIFE!... .GGGRRRRRR!... .DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!... .GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR!... .ITS YOUR FAULT!... .GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR... .YOU F^#*ING B#%CH!"

I'm paraphrasing of course, except for the last three words, that's when I ripped myself out of that noose of a headset, threw it on the desk, turned to my boss and said, I cant do this, and stomped away, tears streaming down my face, just trembling from head to toe.

My co-workers gave me time, comforted me, assured me I did not need to take that abuse.  I even got a hug.  All I could do was apologize for not handling things better.  I still feel awful about how it made everyone else uncomfortable and ill at ease for the rest of our shift.  Thank God there was only a half hour of it left!

BPDh's response:  "That's too bad, dear.  Good night."

[formflier]

 

Who were you talking to?  What was the issue?

[Crumbling]

Sorry about being vague.  I assume everyone understands the 'ding' part means I'm at a call centre receiving in-bound calls.  The customer on the line, I was speaking to, was angry at the company I work for and was taking it out on me, and being verbally abusive.

Telling me I don't need to get into all the Christmas prep stuff made me sigh with great relief.  Sometimes it's easy to forget we have a choice.  Thanks for that, too.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm being 'punished' for being nice to him again.

Last weekend, I spoiled him.  He was being so nice and so kind for the few weeks before and, I wanted to give back.  So I did.  In the moment, he was grateful.

Since then, I've gotten nothing but the cold shoulder, rejected sexually, one word answers to questions.  He avoids me like the plague.  He's constantly tired, feeling sick, sorry for himself in some way.

I'm late to this thread and have some perspective to offer on the original topic: You are getting slammed by your husband's poor reaction to something I'll call an emotional law of physics. Here's the law:

You can be open to experience feelings, or you can shut down to avoid them. When you are open, you experience both good (pleasant) feelings AND bad (unpleasant) feelings. When you are closed, you do not experience either.

And here's how this law affected your husband:

What your husband did was open up when you were being very loving to him that weekend. (This is a good and natural thing!)

Inside his own head there is a TON of negative horrible crap that he's been trying to stuff for most of his life, plus the natural consequences of the crappy things he does when trying to stuff it!

So since he was opened up, he experienced this negative stuff too. And it was more than he could handle. No surprise there!

His reaction to this was to clamp down again... .and reach into his emotional toolbox of broken tools, and find something that still had a sharp edge and flail at you with it. Sadly, that is about all he knows.

One way to describe emotional growth as a human is the process of building your personal capacity to stay open with unpleasant feelings, in order to spend more time staying open.

[waverider]

I'm being 'punished' for being nice to him again.

Last weekend, I spoiled him.  He was being so nice and so kind for the few weeks before and, I wanted to give back.  So I did.  In the moment, he was grateful.

Since then, I've gotten nothing but the cold shoulder, rejected sexually, one word answers to questions.  He avoids me like the plague.  He's constantly tired, feeling sick, sorry for himself in some way.

I'm late to this thread and have some perspective to offer on the original topic: You are getting slammed by your husband's poor reaction to something I'll call an emotional law of physics. Here's the law:

You can be open to experience feelings, or you can shut down to avoid them. When you are open, you experience both good (pleasant) feelings AND bad (unpleasant) feelings. When you are closed, you do not experience either.

And here's how this law affected your husband:

What your husband did was open up when you were being very loving to him that weekend. (This is a good and natural thing!)

Inside his own head there is a TON of negative horrible crap that he's been trying to stuff for most of his life, plus the natural consequences of the crappy things he does when trying to stuff it!

So since he was opened up, he experienced this negative stuff too. And it was more than he could handle. No surprise there!

His reaction to this was to clamp down again... .and reach into his emotional toolbox of broken tools, and find something that still had a sharp edge and flail at you with it. Sadly, that is about all he knows.

One way to describe emotional growth as a human is the process of building your personal capacity to stay open with unpleasant feelings, in order to spend more time staying open.

Interesting concept. Defensive shutters down and you get nothing, defensive shutters up and you get whatever comes with little regulation.

[Grey Kitty]

You can be open to experience feelings, or you can shut down to avoid them. When you are open, you experience both good (pleasant) feelings AND bad (unpleasant) feelings. When you are closed, you do not experience either.

One way to describe emotional growth as a human is the process of building your personal capacity to stay open with unpleasant feelings, in order to spend more time staying open.

Interesting concept. Defensive shutters down and you get nothing, defensive shutters up and you get whatever comes with little regulation.

Providing your own regulation is the hard part!

I can see the result when I open or shut the door to my heart/feelings. That doesn't mean I know where the doorknob is, or have much control over when I open or close it.

A Buddhist meditation teacher shared this 'law' with me. She said that we practice mindfulness meditation to build our capacity to experience feelings, without getting caught up in them. That process of 'getting caught up' starts with getting attached to either wanting a good feeling to continue or wanting a bad feeling to go away... .Usually this happens before you notice it, and have already reacted. Then react to the reaction. A few more reactions down the chain, you are in full-blown dysregulation, if it goes that far! For a pwBPD this happens all too often.

The practice of noticing before you react is a powerful one. And the earlier in the chain you catch it, the more powerful and effective.

[waverider]

Watch and note your own emotions rather than driving them (over the cliff half the time  )

[Crumbling]

That's all well and good to help understand my BPDh, and everything you have said makes perfect sense.  But where does that leave me?  You're telling me, he can either feel nothing, or feel a mix of bad/good only - either way I never get to experience a 'good time' with him without the negativity.

If happiness is the goal, then there is no reason to try any longer.  It's an impossible goal.

Now I'm scared.

[formflier]

You're telling me, he can either feel nothing, or feel a mix of bad/good only - either way I never get to experience a 'good time' with him without the negativity.

If happiness is the goal, then there is no reason to try any longer.  It's an impossible goal.

Now I'm scared.

Hmmm... .I'm not seeing this.  Can you help connect some dots for me?

I think the key is good time "with him"... .

the best way to get to a place to do that... .is to be able to have a good time "without him"... .not in a permanent senese... .but in the sense that your happiness or sadness if not dependent on his moods.

On the off chance that I'm way off the mark her... .I'll hush and let you come back and explain more about why you think happiness is an impossible goal.

[123Phoebe]

If happiness is the goal, then there is no reason to try any longer.  It's an impossible goal.

Now I'm scared.

Huh?  Happiness comes from within, Crumbling   

I used to feel so upset when I'd be all excited about something and my guy would make some grumbling negative remark about it-- raining on my parade.  But wait a minute!  My parade isn't his, it's all mine and I choose to feel excited about it, yay!  He can feel whatever he feels.  His feelings aren't mine and if I change my feelings or behavior to suit his mood, then what does that mean?  For me, it meant that I wasn't being true to who I am, with respect for him.  I appreciate and respect that he feels differently, I might even tell him that  While, my parade stays sunny and dry

[jedimaster]

Huh?  Happiness comes from within, Crumbling   

I used to feel so upset when I'd be all excited about something and my guy would make some grumbling negative remark about it-- raining on my parade.  But wait a minute!  My parade isn't his, it's all mine and I choose to feel excited about it, yay!  He can feel whatever he feels.  His feelings aren't mine and if I change my feelings or behavior to suit his mood, then what does that mean?  For me, it meant that I wasn't being true to who I am, with respect for him.  I appreciate and respect that he feels differently, I might even tell him that  While, my parade stays sunny and dry

Boy was that ever a hard lesson to learn and harder to put into practice, but I am ever so glad I did!  I am finally getting the hang of being happy of my own choice, not depending on hers.  It's perfectly OK for me to have a wonderful day while she is having a miserable one, as long as I know I'm not the cause of her misery.  I try to neither rub it in her face nor allow her mood to rub off on me.  I just go on being me, enjoying what I do and doing what I enjoy.  It is a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years--I feel like a new person sometimes.  Don't get me wrong; I want to have good times with my wife, the way we used to.  But I no longer allow that to be the barometer of my happiness.  The things I most look forward to in the week now are the things that are for me.  If I get to also have some good time with my wife that is a bonus as far as I'm concerned, but if not, I'm still OK and there's always next week.

Find your happy place and go there often

[Cat Familiar]

I am finally getting the hang of being happy of my own choice, not depending on hers.  It's perfectly OK for me to have a wonderful day while she is having a miserable one, as long as I know I'm not the cause of her misery.  I try to neither rub it in her face nor allow her mood to rub off on me.  I just go on being me, enjoying what I do and doing what I enjoy.  It is a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years--I feel like a new person sometimes.  Don't get me wrong; I want to have good times with my wife, the way we used to.  But I no longer allow that to be the barometer of my happiness.  The things I most look forward to in the week now are the things that are for me.  If I get to also have some good time with my wife that is a bonus as far as I'm concerned, but if not, I'm still OK and there's always next week.

Find your happy place and go there often

This I can do and do do, but what do you do when they're jealous of your happiness?

[123Phoebe]

I am finally getting the hang of being happy of my own choice, not depending on hers.  It's perfectly OK for me to have a wonderful day while she is having a miserable one, as long as I know I'm not the cause of her misery.  I try to neither rub it in her face nor allow her mood to rub off on me.  I just go on being me, enjoying what I do and doing what I enjoy.  It is a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years--I feel like a new person sometimes.  Don't get me wrong; I want to have good times with my wife, the way we used to.  But I no longer allow that to be the barometer of my happiness.  The things I most look forward to in the week now are the things that are for me.  If I get to also have some good time with my wife that is a bonus as far as I'm concerned, but if not, I'm still OK and there's always next week.

Find your happy place and go there often

This I can do and do do, but what do you do when they're jealous of your happiness?

Nothing   I don't do anything.  I'm naturally a happy person. 

Can you give an example of what you mean by being jealous of your happiness?

[formflier]

  It's perfectly OK for me to have a wonderful day while she is having a miserable one

 

Everyone should take this to heart... .

This doesn't mean "abandoning" your partner to misery... .but... make some efforts to help... if it works... .keep going... build momentum and help them out of their funk.

If it doesn't work... don't get stuck in a bad day with them.

[formflier]

[ but what do you do when they're jealous of your happiness?

Validate that feeling for them... .don't try to convince them they shouldn't feel that way.

Then move along...

However... .I'm with 123Phoebe... .I would like a bit more of an explanation about what actually happens when he is jealous... how does that play out?